Surviving the Midlife Crisis

Check out my own midlife survival story.

Surviving the Midlife Crisis

Not all experts believe there is such a thing as a midlife crisis. "For most people, middle age is not a crisis but a challenge and a relief," writes David Chiraboga in "Midlife Myths." However, most writers seem to agree more with Jim Conway who says, "Escaping the midlife development crisis is probably as likely as the child escaping adolescence."

Author Gail Sheehy adds a warning: "Some people appear to go through calm, uneventful midlife transitions. But by the time they are in their 50s, when some life accident inevitably brings home the mortality issue, it throws them into a deeper, darker, crisis."

How do you recognize a midlife crisis? What are its symptoms? According to "New York Times" Editorial Page Editor Howell Raines, "it typically begins with mild twinges of dread, disappointment and restlessness that tiptoe in on little cat feet. Then in some cases, the cat feet turn to elephant feet."

Yet if you or your spouse is in the middle of such a crisis, you don't care about whether experts believe it exists, and you certainly don't need to know how it feels (you hear the sound of the elephant feet on a daily basis). What you want is to know how to survive it. I have three suggestions.

Don't give way.

Middlifers in crisis are often overwhelmed with fear. Everything they once relied on--both physical and emotional resources--seems ready to collapse. The tendency is to panic, to give way to the onslaught of anxiety. If these words describe your feelings, relax. What you are experiencing is both normal and temporary. Not only will you see a brighter day; you will emerge a better person.

Don't give in.

With panic often come thoughts of escape. Midlifers sometimes try to flee their problems through things such as extramarital affairs, or to hide from them, maybe behind a bottle of alcohol. But these stop-gap measures, while providing temporary relief, will eventually cause much grief. It's like taking anti-inflammation drugs for appendicitis. It stops the pain for now, but will hurt much more in the long run.

Change, however, is different than escape. You should feel free to make changes at midlife. These changes are part of what will bring you successfully through the crisis. Just be sure to change in ways consistent with your values.

Don't give up.

Finally, midlifers in crisis describe themselves as trapped in a dark tunnel with no light at the end. Why keep crawling toward the end if, one, we aren't sure in which direction the end lies; and, two, we don't know if there will be light there when we arrive?"

This is where faith comes in. At midlife, we must decide what we believe in and struggle toward it even when our progress seems negligible. Like astronauts circling the back side of the moon, we trust the principles that began our journey to complete it, even when our destination is hidden. And like the same astronauts, we will see our sun again, quite possibly in a richness and splendor unnoticed in former days.

I'm not saying all this is easy; it isn't. But it is our hope, and it's hope that eventually will see us through the midlife crisis.