with

Mike Bellah

It trivializes our losses to just not think about them.

Part of me would like to keep my children always young and dependent on me, but the first I cannot do, and the second I dare not do.

I gained a beautiful and self-confident young lady who can make her own way in the world. 

I also gained a new adult friend.

 Sometimes it takes letting go of things to save them. Yet letting go is one of the most difficult jobs we face in midlife. These are years when we must physically and emotionally turn loose of some of our dearest possessions . . .

• like a child going off to college or entering marriage. 
• like a job or career to which we cannot return. 
• like a loved one lost to death or divorce. 
• or like a physical ability lost with age.

Sometimes friends respond to our losses with well-meaning but unhelpful advice. "Cheer up," they say; "it could be worse." Or "just don't think about it." But it trivializes our losses to just not think about them. My wife and my tears were an expression of the love we felt for our first-born. We needed to shed them. Grief is an important first-step in letting go.

Along with letting yourself grieve, it helps to realize that the alternative to letting go is not to keep what your are afraid of losing. Holding on will not restore your loss; it will only hurt both you and others.

 Part of me would like to keep my children always young and dependent on me, but the first I cannot do, and the second I dare not do. My daughter needed a self-confidence that only could come with her independence. To deny her this ultimately would hurt both of us.

It helps me to grieve and to know there is no good alternative to letting go, and it helps to know there is also reward in such sacrifice. For letting go leads not only to loss but gain.

 Recently I had dinner with my daughter, now a graduate student in the far-away college town she calls home. She ordered; she paid; and I experienced a whole new sensation.

 While I lost my little girl who lived at home and always depended on her daddy, I gained a beautiful and self-confident young lady who can make her own way in the world.

 I also gained a new adult friend.

 Similarly, lost jobs, abilities and friends invariably lead to the discovery of new ones--that is, if you let go, physically and emotionally. For holding on too tightly to things already lost will not bring them back. Rather, it only will blind you to new gifts and pleasures yet unnoticed. 

 Do you need to let go? Do it. Then look around. You may be staring at some of life's best gifts yet.
Read my own midlife story.