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Midlife Crisis Forum

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Forum:The Midlife Crisis

So what are your thoughts on issues pertaining to the midlife crisis?Talk to me; talk to each other, or just talk. I look forward to hearingfrom you.
 

Midlife Crisis Forum by Year
April-December 1997 January-December 1998 January-December1999 January-December 2000 January-December 2001
Midlife Crisis Forum 2000
January-March April-May June-August September-October November-December

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April-May 2000


April 6, 2000

I stay in a relationship far too long 25 years of an abusive marriage. I am finding it very hard to pick up the pieces even though i have been divorced for some time.

MH

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I am 50, and  my wife is 44. We are coming up on our 2yr anniversary of being separated. Unlike most of the stories where the husband is having a mlc, I feel she is the one. I could take any letter in here and change he or him, to she or her! After 22yrs of marriage (good times and bad, like everyone)! She woke up one morning, after saying goodnight and I love you the previous night, and told me "she didn't love me anymore... hasn't for the past couple of yrs... and can't make herself love me.... It wasn't any one thing, just all the little things over the years.She said "I don't want to talk about it, and it was my fault, I had over 20yrs to get her to love me"...........We were losing our house through foreclosure, IRS all over us, Loosing our bus. of18 yrs......( We had said we'll start over and stick together one month prior!)We had a son 20 and a daughter 17.It seems she tried to justify everything bad was good because "God would want herto be happy!"........... This evidently meant going to bars dating within 2 weeks, etc.,just like everything the wives are stating... My family who went to church every Sunday, said grace before each meal, had a beautiful caring wife, mother, brother, sister, home, family dog, memories of littleleague, soccer, gymnastics, dance, honor students, straight A report cards, camping, holidays, prayers at bed time, La Mause(sp) classes for birth, 
birthday parties and on ...and on for 22 yrs, was reduced in 2 months to a boy without his sister or mother.... a girl without her father or brother.... a man without his wife or daughter.... And it was everyone else's fault but hers. The large extended family's
on both sides don't communicate anymore, and everyone feels uncomfortable aroundus although trying to support us through this crisis..... I don't know what the wordlove means to each of us anymore!..... The kids think it's memories, as do I! To her, maybe someone at work for the past year or a letter on the Internet fromsomeone she never met that might have many skeletons and problems he hasn'tsent in an e-mail........ Maybe she confuses love with lust, crush, new excitement,or fantasizing being 21 again................ She says she is happy with her new life, andwill never come back. It's changed from "just separated to an eventual divorce."... Meanwhile, I wait and hope, (which also is wrong according to he new set of values and principals)......... Her divorced, drug taking, cheating friends at work support her new lifestyle both financially and socially. ......... What is love and what is the whole picture? .......... Can people look for things to love in their spouse instead of things
to justify their fantasies?....... Everyone's different and changing constantly, hopefully together!

Wishing and praying....:-)

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My husband and I have been married for 10 yrs. It has been hard raising 4 kids,ages 25, 24,21,20.  He had 2 girls and I had 2 boys. Finally they are grown and doing good.We have 1 girl still living part-time at home. Our life is starting to be good.Now we can be close but he starting going out with his male friend who is a rounder andstarted going to girlie clubs. I guess that 
something was going on  sex was non-existen unless he went to these clubs. I had no problem going out with the guys butit became a habit and I caught him in a lie when he was out of town. He came home the otherday and told me he did'nt love me and wants to leave but let him stay until hecould find a place.Of course I cried and was was very upset and  he was so cold. Of course I couldn't sleep and stayed up all night and he told me he was sorry but he hasnot been happy in a while. So  we finally went to sleep and then the next morning he says he can't stand to hurt me and he'll stay  and try to work it out.  I'm so confused and he has call to see how I am but still no affection and does not say I love u., no emotional affection a peck on the lips but out the door. I've told him I need hugging, kissing and  holding. Since then nothing seemed to change he wants us to go off the weekend and go fishing. I  believe he may be trying but I am scared and I have no one to talk too. In our conversation I keep remembering that he said if I don't leave now I know I  will  leave later but I'll  try. I'm so mixed up and confused and financially everything is in my name and I would lose  everything. What can I do and Iam  scared  to force the issue.  Can  someone help me ???????? 

DI

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Dear CH, This is the first time I have checked this page in a long time. I honestly don't know what to say anymore, except I
wish you the best.  Since my husband left I have tried to get on with my life.  EVERYTHING has changed, and it is so
difficult.  I hate most of my life without him.  I don't see the same people or do the same things.  It is like I lived a dream for 26 years, it didn't exist.  I am still very close to his family, but feel I can't see them anymore.  Even my brothers still see him all the time, so I have stayed away from them.  I always wanted to marry someone who would get along with them.  Well, they did and still do.  I was very close to my brothers and have a hard time that they still have a friendship. Since we broke up, my girlfriend from another state got divorced and guess what, moved here where she knows no one but us.  And guess who she is with ALL the time.  My husband, not me.  They go out to eat, movies, dinner etc.  But according to my husband they are just good friends.  She says the same and if it should go any further its none of my business.  Good friend huh?  I have brought another house, have a guy I'm seeing and trying to go on.  At least thats the front that I am protraying, but I am dyeing inside.  I still love the man I married, not the man who he is now.  He has turned so cold. When he does talk to me its like "O well", no
feelings, no resembeleance of the man I married.  He is doing just fine, (he says).  Our daughters say different and he looks like hell.  My girls are 23 and 25 and are still having a hard time with all of this.  We lived in a location where there was a lot of money and alot of divorces.  The girls were always proud that they had their original parents.  All of their friends had steps.  It was like a fairytale world for them and their friends.  To this day not one person who knows about us can believe or understand this.  They seen that we did everything together and never seen any problems. I lived that life and didn't see a thing.  I am not a stupid person or navie but boy I sure missed something. I still can not get him to even consider that he is going thru midlife.  He says he doesn't want to, so therefore, he's not.  Wouldn't that be great! We don't want our bodies to go thru something so we say we don't want to.  Ya!!! Like I said, I still love my husband and would like my life that he stold from me back, but it
would never be the same.  I couldn't live with, when is he going to leave, does he love me and could I ever trust again? As you see, its been since 12/16/98 and I still am so confused .  So does it get better, can we survive without the person who was part of us?  Yes, we can, but it sure is going to take along time.  Like I said I am seeing a guy I really like, he is so opposite of my husband but I also feel that he is rebound and I pray I don't hurt him  I would never intentionally hurt someone like I have been hurt.  He does know some of the situation, but we don't discuss it.  I think he wants to think it doesn't exist. But it did, and it is
something that is eating me alive.  I gave him all my heart and soul and it was never good enough. So, do I want to do it
again?  Who knows, only time will tell . 

Broken and Waiting

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Hi, I would like to know how to purk my life up after being treated badly for over 30 years being faithful to my husband i have always been put last for all people every one else is always first or right he walks over me in my on home he also is a bad lier. He is always gone or on the telephone with others he goes to work and bills get paid but i feel like i am all alone , I need some answers i am talented i work part time and i am a fashion hat designer i just can't seem to get my self on tract.

help with some suggestions please.

Dot

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April 11, 2000

I have been married for 14 years, my husband and I have had our fights but not like this one. I found out that my husband was planning to go to L.A. to visit this woman that he meet in Feb in S.F. He was not happy about the whole situation. He told me that he can't talk to me without an argument, he told me he hated me, he was dead inside, he couldn't get a hard on and of course a bunch of other horrible things. I supported us while my husband went to UC Berkeley for 4 years. I went part-time in
Aug to attend Nursing School. He has moved out and we are giving up our apartment and putting everything in storage. I will live with my sister and he his brother. He calls me everyday to get info from me. We have changed our bank accounts etc. We talk to each other very nicely, he tells me that he will give me money every month to live on but he can't live with me now. Is this midlife crisis or is this the real thing (D). 

Thanks

SP

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To LRG

I believe that you are experiencing something that I experienced 13 years ago.  I wish I could have
responded earlier. 

I was married at sixteen and we are together today.   We have been married for 27 years this year.
I believe that you have been having an "emotional affair" with someone else.  The emotions that belong
to your husband have been stolen.  The funny thing is that you have left your husband in "hopes" of 
satisfying this emptiness.  Head over heels "in-love" with a married man who will never give up what
you have given up.   I'm sorry that you have to go through this.  It really is a horribly, bewitching time.
Only God can help us through such dark and uncertain times. 

ARV

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April 15, 2000

I would like to share some insight that has helped in my healing.  I've been married almost 34 years, both my husband and I are just past 50.  For the last year we have been living separately and are trying to get our marriage back.  It has definitively been Midlife Crisis, an affair with a younger woman, a run-away attitude from a super responsible man, unable to make decisions, weak, emotional, etc.  I've also  ran the gambit--as low as a person can go in despair and devastation and still make it back up.  Two books are necessary: Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway and Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James C. Dobson. I've come to learn that there are two kinds of love, I call them healthy and unhealthy. Unhealthy love loves another person for what that person can do for you.  I believe this is what happens on both sides of an affair.  The other person listens to them, makes them feel younger and more alive.  Usually, they don't even really know the person they think they love.  It is also some of the love I had for my husband that made me desperate and clingy.  I needed him.  Healthy love loves the other person, unconditionally.  Learning this has allowed me to care more about my husband and to try and help him, to understand what he is going through.  It has helped me to heal whether or not we are ever a couple again or not.  I am also free to love him, forgive him, forgive myself and to pray for the best for him.  In troubled relationships there is a lot that has to be let go of.  I hope what I'm writing makes sense and can help someone else.  This "learning experience" is so extremely painful to all of us.
MA

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Having seen that other people have gone through the same thing that I am going through, I would like to know more about Mid-Life crisis  -  cause, effect, prognosis.  Can you give me written sources? 

In New Jersey  June

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I could have written many of these letters.  After 23 years of marriage, the day after my son's wedding,the week of our grandson's birth and his 50th birthday, my husband just left. (January 2 2000) At first he tried blaming me for everything but now admits it is all him but still thinks I control him.  HUH! He was away from home four nights a week for his job! He lives alone, works constantly, is unhappy, but still wants to be alone.  Could someone explain to me why anyone would choose to give up everyone in the world who cares for him to live like this? What happens to men to cause this? What happens to men who do this?  He said he loves me, is sorry he hurt me (he said and did some bad things that I never thought this man was capeable of)  I will go on with my life, but it certainly isn't what I wanted for us.   Why would a person choose lonliness and misery over a loving and caring family? 

Confused

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April 21, 2000

I've read a number of the stories in this forum, and I feel for all of you; I've been through my share of painful experiences.  But as a read them, I am struck with the symptoms of depression that come out over and over in both the writers and their spouses.  I am a physician (not a psychiatrist) who has had his share of depression due to life's up and downs, and was once married to someone with a mood disorder. 

If you feel constantly sad, worthless, unworthy of love, a sense that everything is wrong, a feeling that people or things that you once loved no longer make you happy, you may well be depressed.  Other things that a depressed person is likely to experience include changes in sleep (particularly early morning awakening), apetite, and sex drive.  If you have these symptoms, run, do not walk, to your family doctor or mental health clinic.  If your spouse/significant other has them, drag him/her to the 
doctor (easier said than done, I'll admit).  Lots of effective therapies exist; some involve medication and some don't.

I'm not trying to say that this is the answer to everyone's problems, but what have you got to lose? 

Dr. B

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Aloha: I first would like to thank you for this site,Thank you.The past year Iv been experiencing lots of regrets,I'am 37 and have found lack of interest in every thing,life,surfing,playing the guitar,ect.I still find women attractive, usually have no problems performing,but I notice, I do not wake up with erections, as often as I used to.I'v never been married, or do I have kids,I feel like I have missed the boat all togeather.I grew up with a very abusive mother & uncale,my father was never around, do to a divorce, when I was very young,I have had to deal with this through therapy from a young age,and have had many bad relation ships, do to my upbringing ,I feel.. I'am getting better at relation ships but I do not envy the woman who has to put up with my
mood swings,and deprission.I have found my self doing odd jobs to survive -vs- working in the financial district of  San Francisco,I do not even own a car now.I have also had to curve my drinking a lot more lately, do to depression and suicidal thoughts,My father committed suicide,so did my grandfather "my mothers side" And a good, close friend ,in the past 12 yrs,I cant afford to get therapy at this point in my life,but I notice all these changes going on with my mind and body,I know if I can get through this I will be a better person ,and a stronger person.I f you could send me any advised that would be great..Aloha from Ferndale,Ca.Randall

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To whom it may concern:  My husband and I have been married going on 19 yrs.and I realize that midlife crisis begins between 35-50.  My husband is between those numbers.  I believe he is going thru it.  He doesn't love on me like he used to....the kids are teenagers who seem to be going their own direction.  My husband is distant, like there may be someone else involved.
Please help me do the right thing to get him back on track.  Please answer me at d.bledsoe@usa.net  Thank you!  Dora

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i have just read your home page and didnt find it very useful....i am 53 years old, ex marine, always been in great shape, have been an electrical contractor for nearly 30 years...just found out i have to have surgery, and due to the nature of it, i will never be able to perform the type of work i have been doing all my life....no interest in anything else, no other abilities.......so i think that you should add suicide as an alternative to a mid life career change

respectfully
dane

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Dane,

Suicide is NEVER a good alternative. You will have a life post-surgery, maybe a very good life. Right now you are seriously depressed. Please see a professional counselor NOW, TODAY. Look in the phone book and find a suicide crisis hotline. Believe me; the person taking calls has felt what you feel, and they can get help. So do it now, for your loved ones, for yourself.

Good luck.

Mike

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April 25, 2000

 Dear CC, if all the others who have lived hadn't died there would be no room for you or for me on this planet.  And if we don't die there will be no room for our children.  We all have our time and that's it- when it's done it's done.  We must accept this.  This is one of those things that we cannot change and so we must accept it and if we don't, we'll go crazy and break and cease to function.  But I'll tell you this, while you're still alive, you better live because when you die, it's over.  From Jamie.

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I have a family member turning 50 and would love to come up with a list of 50 reasons to celebrate this milestone.  Do you know of any such lists or have any ideas?  I hope to keep this light and humourous.  Many thanks! Kim Please respond to jaiko@ csolve.net

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I believe there is such a thing.  I had been going thru menopause and didn't believe it was affecting me and didn't listen to my husband of almost 28 years when he told me so.  We had gone thru his dad's death, my dad's death and then I had to put my mom in a nursing home.  Our kids were grown, he wasn't giving me much attention and I wanted out.  I thought I was doing the right thing, after all if he loved me he'd show it more.  Day in court:  Turned and asked him if he would go to counselling - I had changed my mind and decided if he would go I wasn't going thru with the divorce.   He asked me to step out of the courtroom where he told me "Yes, he'd go for counselling and then added how I initiated all of this and dragged him all the way up there."  I said let's go in the courtroom and get it over.  I sat there and said yes to everything even tho I knew I was doing it in anger. 
Next two days I cried and cried told him I made a mistake.  He said let's go for counselling.  We had 4 months to change the divorce.  The counselling enforced how important it was to tell each other what we were feeling.  And I did.  He didn't.  Two weeks after the 4 month deadline he tells me it meant something to him to reverse the divorce.  It was now too late.  I had waited in work that day for his call and he never did.  He says he was waiting for me to say something. 

 I always wanted to dance with him, he never wanted to.  Our son had gotten married several months prior to divorce and we were going to take lessons at a dancing studio.  There was a misunderstanding and we didn't.  He decided after divorce he would sign up for lessons at that studio by himself.  He did and has been dancing ever since.  That was November. Says he still wants to see me just doesn't know how he feels about me.  So I asked him to move out as it's driving me crazy not knowing where I stand with him.  I love him so much, I feel my heart is being ripped out of my chest.  And I feel subconsciously this is his way of getting back for the hurt I caused him.  I also feel he is going what I went through, midlife crisis, except we're 
divorced now so he can do whatever he wants.  I don't want to close the door on him but the pain is killing me.

BB

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Dear Stressed,

Relax and have fun with your men. Instead of saying, "He did this" or "He did That" (which probably is what drove him away in the first place) try to listen. Men are much more sensitive than women tend to think even though they may not be saying anything. (We may not be talking, but we are always dreaming) Just remember that of all things in life, having a good time is what all men want  when they run off with a younger woman. So figure out ways to have fun and learn what your man loves to do. Nothing better than a fun mate who challenges you day to day with fun ideas and a great attitude.

JP

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Help:

I am a 39 year-old male and think that I am facing a nasty mid-life crisis. I am a professional media consultant and a professional musician. Five years ago, my wife of 10 years and our four year old son moved from Boston, MA to Boise, ID. My wife and I went through several discussions, some of them difficult, but I relented and we moved to Boise, ID and are now
near her parents etc. I have had two jobs since moving here and my wife is at home running a small daycare out of the house. We have since had a daughter. Last August, I suffered a nervous breakdown, landed in the hospital for four days, was later diagnosed with micro-scopic blood in my urine and then got into a car accident. My depression lead to OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). I have been a bear to live with in that I have been angry, frustrated, tired of taking antidepressants etc. Well, my wife, whom I love beyond words, issued an ultimatum last January saying that I must get it together or she was leaving. I tried as hard as I could to meet her expectations of "being there for my son", "not lying about not taking my medication," "not expressing anger in the household." She served divorce papers on me last week and had everything in tidy order, sell the house, she gets the kids and bye bye to 10 years of a pretty darn good marriage. I know that I had developed a damn good rock-band here in Boise, and it took a great deal of time and energy. All of my Christian Right neighbors say I
should have put all of that energy into my family. I know her mother intruded and is counseling her to get out so she can get a second chance at raising two little ones. 

My wife says she's done. Doesn't value me anymore. Wants to forget 10 years of marriage. Wants away from me. I'm not some monster. God knows I have faults. What is this crap. The depression sucks. The hot flashes suck. The OCD sucks. I used to be a really strong and healthy person. Now all I'm facing is visitation with two children I love dearly, an estranged wife
who wants to dump me and blames me for all of the pain I've put her through, and a huge  child-support payment and attorney fees. I have prayed to God to get me through this. My wife insults me constantly by saying that I don't make any sense. Shares what I thought were confidences with our neighbors. Doesn't communicate with me anymore. 

I have tried counseling but that didn't work because once again it was my fault. For God sake, I moved across the US for this woman, my family and I have given her everything she could want, and we face 8 months of difficulty and off she goes. 

My attorney said "you need a divorce, for a long time you are dead." I don't want a divorce, I want my life back. I feel very alone and a long way from my birth family as they are in Boston. Help. Any advice. 

Confused in Boise.

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My story...

I've been married 18 years, and have 3 sons - 16, 14 & 11. Through the years my husband and I had our ups &
downs, and grown up together. 

As of two years ago he became distant and dropped hints about not finding satisfaction in his work and where his life was going. He wanted change in his life, either it was to relocate to another city or change his job. 

He felt the burden of responsibility: our children and marriage were holding him back ~ Changing his job - we depended on his salary Relocating to antoher city - the kids were settled in school and were academically suceeding Traveling abroad - our kids and myself wanted to go too

I could see he was leaving us emotionally, spiritually and physically.  He was a shell of a man, his body was with us but his mind was somewhere else.  He was always mentioning his happiness and memories when he went on an overseas trip to visit his family. He compared our USA lifestyle to the old country, how we had no traditions, no pride in our culture, no drive or extra-ordinary achievments. 

These issues were the foundation of our arguments: Who, what and where over in the old country did he compare us too? Myself & my kids felt they were trying to live up to poor families who are driven to succeed under a communist oppression. 

Example:
Kids over there work in the fields and help with chores. Our kids play video games with friends and moan about doing chores. (this made him unhappy) 

Believe me we worked hard over the years: Our family was not perfect, but they are great kids, eldest on the honor roll for 3 years straight, middle one a great writer and karate student, youngest a soccer player and artist.  We worked hard to live a wealthy neighborhood with good schools for our kids. We put 200% in our marriage and family, infinite sacrafices in money and career choices. 

Now at the end of May 2000 he abandoned our family for 3 days. Didn't call the kids, who were in tears. He came back and told us all at once he is filing for divorce.  I went along with all of signing of the paperwork against my will.  He was determined to follow through with the divorce proceedings. I knew I had to do it too, or else it would be messy, vindictive, spiteful and ugly plus our kids would suffer these consequences.

He wants me to be his 'best friend' and pal. Over the past 3 weeks we had intimate sex 5 times. After the 5th time he said he felt bad about it and sad and confused.  I assumed he wanted to get back together - instead it was only 'fun' to him. My spirit was crushed & broken, my soul is almost dead.

I hit rock bottom, I cried in fits of pain until I fell asleep, liquer and sleeping pills to numb and drown my pain. In the day I smile and laugh and put on a fake smile...so he can see I'm positive. But inside I'm sick and think of suicide. Therapy hasn't helped
me, I still plan my death...step out into traffic, overdoses, poison. I take that extra dangerous step and take risks that may cause my death. 

Sure I think about my kids, but I feel useless and worn, and thrown away like a piece of trash.

He bought a new motocycle and takes off when he feels like it-to feel free. While I stay home and watch over the kids or take care of the house chores.  We still live together as roomates and share common living areas. He comes and goes as he pleases and is in the process of changing his career role.  He may relocate, or move. 

In the meantime... my kids and I feel abandoned - my husand and thier father is missing. Our family is broken, and my 50% can't ever make it whole. But I'm still trying in vain?  I'm seriously thinking of joining a convent to be a nun, at times I loose my
mind and get sink into a quicksand depression. 

Then I pop out of it and think about my children and God. I need a miracle...I want to live but with my family intact.  Now in 5 months the divorce will be final...but I'm not sure I can hold on that long onto life. 

I want to tell all of you and every husband and wife, please I beg you do not divorce, work it out!  There is only pain and suffering from your actions.  Search your soul and take time out and spend time together, talk out your problems - make it work, find solutions, but in what ever you do please, please don't give up on your marriage...your children need you and there
can be happiness for both of you.  Give yourselves a chance at happiness, you can change or he or she can too!  If only one couple learns from my tradegy, and take my words into their heart...then all my pain and sorrow in my life will have been worth it. 

I take one day at a time...God bless.

AD

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May 2, 2000

Yes!  It really does exist, this depression, anxiety and trauma.  I am 41 years old and have just recuperated from a major depression which lasted for approximately 5 months. With the help of my husband, family and mental health professionals I was able to find my way out of the hell.  I was in very bad shape, I had lost 25lbs in a matter of 3 weeks and I became totally untrusting of everyone including my doctor.  I never really believed that such a thing really existed, but let me tell you it does.  I know that if I hadn't gotten help I would not be here today.  I am however, now unemployed because of this and that hurts.
People still don't understand that this can happen to anyone at anytime.  I had never experiened any kind of illness like this before in my life and I was always a very together person, I can't believe that this happened to me.  I was a wife, a mother, a supervisor (now deemed not capable of doing my job) I can't explain what happened to me or why.  I am trying to rebuild my life now.  I hope I succeed. 

Sincerely,

J

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I have read everything that is on these pages and have one question...these seem to fit what is going on with my husband right now, but he is only 25...I think that it is possible he is having a midlife crisis because we moved so fast...met at 18, moved in together after 3 months (relationship total of 5 1/2 years). We have a nice home, nice car, good jobs and a beautiful daughter who is almost 1 year old.  I need help, resources, support.  Please give me some direction...I want to deal with this the right way...I want to save our marriage.

Thank you,

Heather F.

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My husband and I are in our mid fifties.  Four years ago we moved to take care of my husband's elderly parents.  Our last child had left the nest, and we thought we would be empty nesters up to this point, and have to deal with the special problems associated with having an empty nest.  This of course did not happen, as the young was replaced with the old.  Our dilemma now is that we are free again, but are frightened to make a move.  Our ages now scare us.  We are afraid of not being able to find jobs at our age.  I am not working as I was the chief caregiver and now I need to go back to school to upgrade.  My husband is in a job he absolutely hates, so we feel trapped.  Should we move back to the city where the housing market is so much more, or stay here and eventually become stable.  Years ago we would have made this decision with the snap of our fingers, but now it is so hard to make decisions.  Anyone else feel the same way? 

Vivienne in small town in B.C.

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Hello.  I'm Kathy, mid thirties and on Disability for over two years.  This would have been my 10th year of teaching, had I not become ill 2 years ago.  I attempted to return to teaching in Jan.2000, after volunteering at the school for 3 months.  I couldn't do it, and ended up in the hospital: psych ward, again.  I have been diagnosed with everything from depressed to Bipolar to Borderline to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I make money on my Disability, but would like to work again.  I wonder, often, if I could work successfully in a different field, start over somewhere new.  The doctors say no, stay off work.  I have good days and bad days.  On bad days, I can not get out of my bed and have severe panic attacks. 

I am an educated, skilled person who suddenly can not do the simplest of things.  I saw it coming, my last 2 years of teaching were very tough.  Do you know of anyone who has gone through this and won the struggle to work again?  I'm 35, and not ready to quit, although my body and brain have.  My will says 'do it'!!  Then I try, and fail again.  I can't find anywhere on
this whole internet to look for people who are going through this.  Do you have any ideas?

Thanks, Kathy S

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hello, I'm 24 Years old, and I was wondering is it possible for a 24 year old to go through life having a midlife crisis without being married or having children?

MZ

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Hi,

I believe my husband is going though MLC. We have been marriage for 17+ years. I came home one day and he told me he wanted a divorced. It blow me away I never knew our marriage was so bad. I blame myself because I did push him away when it came to sex and I guess its was one time to many. He told me he has been unhappy for about 4 years. I wish he would have told me how he was feeling I never knew. I told him I'm sorry I was wrong and he should have communicated with me on how he felt. He said he did, but if I wasn't getting his little hits he should have said something. It really opened my eyes and I 
have changed a lot over the last month but  its to late. He wont give me a second chance. He has moved out and is living with his sister right now. I have tried everything to get him back and I mean everything. He has find someone now that he says he really loves and she is his sole mate. Is this MLC? He has only known her for about a few months. Its a long distant relationship and I don't think its going to work. She was going to move this way but I don't think she will. I found out who she is and I called her. I do believe she is a nice person and it just happened. She told me she tells him he should go back home and I believe her because he told me that she tell him the same thing. She does care about him a lot but feels he should be home with his wife and family. She even told me not to give up. Was she only saying this to be nice? I think she was even crying on the other side. He says she feels for me because she has been in my shoes more than once. I know he wont come back, should I keep showing him I care or am I being a fool? He tells me to move on and to stop paging him with I love you, I'm thinking about you. I just want him to know I love him so much, I don't want to give up. Maybe its to late? He was really a good man. A good father always doing things around the house always nice to me. And now I feel that he is cold. He does give me money for the kids. Do you think its MLC or did he just stop loving me? He is 42 years old is this the age for MLC? 

E

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May 8, 2000

My husband of almost 26 years landed the news March 31 thath he "wanted out".  That he couldn't deal with this anymore.  As the shock wore on the this was me *I suffer from mild manic depressoin), 1 23 year old controlling college spoiled rottend daddy's girl, an 18 year son ready to graduate high school wiith uncertainties about where to go and how to finance; war on the job; falling stock rates; crumblinv 401 k and he just wanted to go somewhere an set.  Now in all of this porposition he aould like me to be around the corner to togo out to eat date, go places, do things, take vacations.  He had it planned in his head only if I wouldn't touvh his retirement.  I begged to stay to try to work it out.  He was amazed as we have had our shareof ups and 
dowsn.  He says he loves me but no longer is in love with me.  THAT HE IS NOT HAPPY and doesn't know where to find it.  We have done a couple of things and had fun be is aftraid that want always be the case.  He will not commit beyound onre day a time.  I have cryed and prayed until I don't know where they come from.  He says it's not all me its' just everything, he just wants to run away.  I know him well enough to feel comfortable that there is no other female at this time.  he works with me in a plant setting that have been his legal counsel and it would talke a court of experts to explain all the fine articles of law he has approached to m  At first he absolutely refused counseling. He has a thyroif problem on wrong dosage and so today I was able to agree to see his regular medical dr,. to see if he need furhrt herlp.  I am so confused as to how Feb 17 hw was madly in love with me and we had the whole family picture thing donw and 6 weeks later he wants "out"  This is ruining OUR HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION.  HE NOW WANTS TO TAKE ME TO FLORIDA FOR OUR REGULAR VACATION AND THEN TELL ME HIS DECISION WHEN WE RETURN.I told him if he already knew what he thinks he is going to do he better not take to Fla as one last Fling Because Health hath no scotn  as a woman's fury.  He is very obssessed about what is poisition in thie world monetaryily will be.  Hestates he wants to spend time with me on all level (in my goof time, repairs, flower beds, mow grass, vacation and a little bedroom tossed in.  The home is on proprry parents gave us and I have infomred he will keep it.  I have reached the anxiousl awaiting and angry stage and the scared to death stage.  My daughter who is spiled by DADDY wants me out to,    The bottom life is that if so chooses to progress in this direction, I will be the person in financial ruin and very alone.  No daughter relationhsip and no close family ties. here.  My son is still silent and withdrawn.

Theonly positive I can from any of thisis that he says that he is stll here.  That he does love me just not in love with me. Me and the gracious Lord have ahad a greater walk than ever.  I have read a lot of books where he is classic:  tanning bed, full beard, new cologne; weating shorts outside, and swearing that he not interested in any one else exce[t ,e allowing him back into hi life

This whole situation has done nothing for my depressopm amd insomina.Help

KJ

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To:  Vivianne

I can relate to your difficulty in making a major life decision.  I, too, am trapped and desperately seeking a way out.

Can you or your husband investigate the reality of moving back to the city before actually do it?  I was contemplating moving to the Pacific Northwest from the East Coast to be closer to family and start a business.  I went out for two weeks. What I found was the weather and I are incompatible, housing prices are out of reach, and to get the business going I needed contacts, which I didn't have.  Though I've very disappointed, at least I didn't make a major move that would have literally left me out in the cold.

I'll be 50 in a few months and decision making is tougher.  I spent a quarter of a century as a Manger/Director level employee in  corporate America and now find myself unemployable and uninsurable.  It's a nightmare.

But you have to try each day to do something.  You and your husband may want to try sitting down and working out the pros and cons of staying or going.  What ever you do, make sure you can keep a roof over your heads and food on the table.  Scrambling for life's basics makes it incredibly hard to think clearly.

Good luck.

TMP

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E,

Don't give up!!  My husband of 22 years told me the same thing a year ago.  Most things are better now, but we still have some problems.  He told me then he wanted to leave, but he stayed and we are trying to work things out and now he says he doesn't want to leave and doesn't know why he has done some of the things he did.  I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but prayer is a very powerful thing.  Talk to God and ask him to give you strength to go through this with your husband and reveal things to you that you can do to help him.  Read "My Husband's Mid-Life Crisis" by Sally Conway and "Men in Mid-Life Crisis" by Jim Conway and anything else you can find on mid-life crisis.  These books will help you and explain to you some of the things your husband is going through.  If you can get your husband to read the one by Jim Conway that would be fantastic.  It would help him too.  It doesn't last forever even though it seems like it will while you are going through it.  I will pray for you and your family.  God wants to see families together, not torn apart! 

P

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Well I have just found your site and was hoping to see some positive stories. My husbad of the past 10 years is also going through what i belive to be a MLC. About one month ago he at 36 began sleeping with a 22 yr old from his job. He after two and a half weeks of my knowing about their "relationship", after my getting drunk and taking approximately 20-25 Tylenol and spending 2 days in the psyc ward at a local hospital has been gone for the past week and a half. He has admitted to mutual friends that he feels like he is 18 again, which only convinces me this is MLC. He says he still love me and our three children (10, 7 and 4) but he is just not happy,. Untill the affair  began their were no signs of his unhappiness nor did he tell me he was. I am feeling as if i am dying inside, my soul is dying. I have been with this man since i was 16, i am now 26. I have been backing off thinking he will wake up and realize what he is doing. So then my question is, do men generally get over this and how long can it take. I need a general idea dont know what to do, cant sleep cant eat and am having the hardest time dealing with the kids. 

Please respond ASAP.

Lonely & Hurt

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I just stumbled across this page so I hope my comments are appropriate

I am 44, divorced after 10 years of marriage, no children, mother with Alzheimers (father passed away 3 years ago at 84) a self-employed business owner and work primarily by myself but love being around people...

I am financially independant and could probably retire but love what I do and want to continue to work (on my terms) indefinitely as I have to be busy and find it hard to relax (sleeping isnt a problem but relaxing while awake IS) I am dating a woman that is older than me with 2 grown children and while she is quite settled and very easy to get along with, I still feel somewhat un-fulfilled. She is sexually very accomodating but never initiates anything and is very conventional in her thinking (had never heard of wearing Lingere during sex ??) I just wonder if I am expecting too much at this point in my life. I look and act much younger than my age and though I am very comfortable with her, long for something more spontaneous and
adventursome.

Is it typical for a man in my situation to feel this way ??

Thanks

KD

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May 10, 2000

well here goes my husband of 18 yrs moved out in feb i had a drinking problem and have been working it for 3 mo lots of counsuling also am on antidepressents.  he wants to work on the marriage but in seperate places. says he loves and cares about me but is not in love with me.  we have 3 kids  and he says there ok with this last night he told me he wanted peace and 
paradise.  he wants me to get a life get a job be nice and kind to him. his friend .  he hasent touched me in 3 mo.  dont know if he is seeing any one else.  the strange thing is that he always at the house watching me.  we cant talk about the marriage at all except in counsouling.  blames everything on me.  im am so hurt and confused. wish i knew what to do. i am making plans to 
move on take care of myself and kids. 

RF

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To KD~

You are not expecting enough out of life!  Why are you settling for a relationship that is less than fulfilling?  I am 48 and single and divorced twice only to realize that life is what "I" make it not what others give me. If I allow others to run my emotions and make decisions for what I need or want, then I will always be left with less than I ever dreamed of having. Your current relationship sounds very compromising compared to your overall achievements. Shoot for what you really want from another by meeting them eye-to-eye for sexual, emotional and intellectual thinking.  What do you have to lose?

Jeanne

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Kathy S!

There is a movie called, "What About Bob."  Rent the video to learn that life is all about taking "baby steps."  Think of your current disability with depression as a newborn who must learn how to function again step-by-step.  Until the swinging of emotions and disabling exhaustion lessens, you must stay at home and keep yourself occupied with gardening, reading, puzzles, friends, etc.  Medication takes time (weeks) to take full affect and repairing the body takes months to sometimes years.  Your spirit is strong which is what will pull you through and win this battle.  You will become employed again, but please wait until your body and mind are one and healed.  Listen to your doctors, listen to your inner self.  In the meantime, rest.  What you've experienced is a difficult task for any human soul.  Hugs to you!

JS

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May 23, 2000

I've been reading this site for the past few weeks, and I've read a lot (thank you Mike for saying you'll spend the rest of you life trying to make up to your family for your mistakes).  I was one of those women who said that if my husband EVER cheated, he was out the door.  It's so different when it happens.  It's amazing to me that so many people are going through the same things.  I, too, would like to know what happens to men a few years down the road after they decide that their wife isn't what they want anymore.  My husband is 43, I'll be 41 next month.  He's apparently a textbook case of midlife crisis.  This man, who
used to be the most wonderful husband and father, has changed so much.  I, like many others, could not believe it when he said he wanted a divorce, moved out, and 12 days later filed.  That was February 1999.  I then found out about the slut (he was her supervisor whom we had helped out financially at times).  My girls (then 13 & 15) were going back and forth between homes, a week at a time.  It just killed me.  And them too.  Last November, he suggested that maybe we could live in the same house as roommates and pay off some things.  We thought it would also be great for the kids.  He moved back in in January.  He had promised to go to counseling (which he later refused--he had no problem), and I was secretly hoping that the "old" husband would reappear somehow in time.  He seemed really comfortable, and we got along really well, and then started getting really
distant again.  He started staying out late.  My anxiety started again (which had stopped last fall).  He bailed again a month ago.  He didn't talk to me about it, he just e-mailed me at work after he left during the day.  I thought that I had built up a wall this time, but I let down my guard, and had just as hard a time with depression and panic/anxiety attacks.  Except this time, I'm healing a lot quicker, but not quickly enough.  We had dismissed the divorce, thinking that we would try this arrangement for 2-3 years and be debt-free and take it "one day at a time," in his words (did I mention that he cashed out our retirement
when he moved out the first time?).  Well, he was going to file again, so I beat him to it and "reactivated" the original case so that the retirement money would count against him.  When he had moved back in, he bought a really nice boat, which sounded like fun for the family this summer.  I was happy to seem his so happy.

Fishing is all he thinks about now, and apparently he's been leaving the boat that the slut's house.  The one he was no longer seeing.  He's been staying with an older female co-worker 20-30 miles from here.  He asked me if I'm ready to give up our house (I asked him if he's ready to give up the boat---the LOOK I got!).  I'm tempted to hook up the boat and take it and start a bonfire with it.  Better yet, leave it there and start a bonfire with it.  Because of the situation with where the boat is, and the lying about the woman, my older daughter won't even speak to him.  She told him she would talk to him after he gets the two of them an appointment with our counselor, which he finally did.  It's this week.  He says this time I'm getting what I want.  The
kids will stay with me.  I think he's finally losing his mind.  The kids are or were everything to him.  While he's fishing again this weekend, my daughter looks beautiful and just left for prom with her date.  My husband is missing so much, and doesn't even realize it.  Reality needs to kick him to the ground sooner rather than later.  By the way, after I found out about this woman last year, I called his corporate office about the inappropriate relationship.  They asked me if I wanted a formal investigation, and I said "no," thinking that they would probably fire him when they fired her.  That was last February.  They moved her out of
his department in May, after HR told him he wasn't doing anything wrong, but she's still there in the same building. I'm thinking about talking to them again and pursuing the formal investigation.  I want to move on, but now I see him driving near her house (less than 2 miles from mine) and it just kills me.  Why do I have to see that?  It's an instant anxiety attack.  Don't think that I'm blaming just her. It's his fault.  But I, as a woman, would never sleep with another woman's husband.  I would never disrespect a woman that way.  Everybody tells me to let it go and move on.  I wish it were that easy.

My mother just called to tell me that my daughter stopped at their house to introduce her prom date to them.  My mother
is so excited to see her all dressed up and him in a tux! At least my daughter knows how to make people happy.  And I'm smiling.

KMA

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I suggest reading "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real.  The sub-title is 'Understanding Male Mid-Life Depression".  You can find it at B.Dalton.

Three years ago I was going through the worst part of my mid-life crisis. In therapy. Looking for answers.  When I got this book, it answered just about every question I had. I recently finished my third re-read.

He explains why men turn out the way they do, why they have such a hard time understanding and expressing their feelings, why they commonly fall into depression in mid-life. 

He explains several concepts in depth that struck home immediately.  He also has a real talent for explaining his relationship with his own dad.  It is those passages that still bring tears to my eyes -- you go, Terrence! Been there, done that.

The book doesn't solve your problem for you, but it does explain how you've been set up by society for this fall in your prime years.  You see your own mortality (in my case, my younger brother died from cancer the week before I turned 40) and you suddenly look up and wonder what the hell you've been doing with your life. Up until now, it was head down, bust ass, steamroll the next schmuck, get ahead.

"Is this the best I can do?  Why isn't my sex life off the charts? Why aren't I having wild adventures?"  These questions are mis-directed, but they are exactly what you'd expect from someone who has been programmed to achieve and believe life is a zero-sum game: "I win, you lose.".

The real questions should be: "Why can't I connect with people?  Why can't I get in touch with my feelings?  Why should I keep busting my ass 60 hours a week?  Why can't I just talk with other men as a human being instead of as a competitor?"

I watch the young guys today doing exactly the same things I used to do, and I want to shake them and scream "READ THIS BOOK!". It can save your life.

I'm coming out the far side now, and just as Terrence promised, it's better than it ever was.  I know now I love my wife of 18 years, though I put her through hell, with my constant searching for a ripe 20-something that would make me feel better about getting older.  My relations with people are 100% better, and I'm starting to feel secure enough that I can actually offer people love and affection instead of insults and put-downs.

Terrence, if you ever read this, I want you to know I've bought 10 copies of your book and given them to friends -- and I never get it back.  You saved my life, dude.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

KS

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I am a first time visitor to your sight. I am not sure what I am expecting from this visit or even if I know what MLC is???

I am a 43 male and have a wonderful supportive wife, an 18yr son, 15 yr daughter, 14 year daughter, 6 yr daughter. My three older children are straight "A" students heading toward post education and my 5yr old is top of her Jr. Kindrgtn. I get comments often on how well mannered and behaved my children are.

I am self-employed and the business is under tremendous cash flow pressure with my personal income dropping from $ 120K plus to $ 30K plus making home finances very tight and adding stress to all family members. In the past two years I have had some business deals go bad and so on.

Personally, had my first stress attack last year and was diagnosed as diabetic. The marriage... as far as my wife is concerned everything is fine (I think). At 47 she is becoming much more independent and my three older children are starting to do their own thing in life. The relationships with my wife and children are not the same as a couple of years ago.

Some days I simply have not got the spark, energy, or desire to live life anymore fighting off depression and that ever haunting question what the ## are you doing with your life. Maybe I'm just a pathetic self-centered sob.

Morally and ethically I don't want to renege on my responsibilities to family and employees but some days seems to demand more of me than I have to give. Some days I want to disappear to a place with no phones, people, and/or relationships.

Is this MLC or nothing more than a self wallowing pitty-party. Funny thing... at 20yrs old I could carry the burden of the world and had my act together... how is it at 43 yrs old I don't want any more of life's little burdens and haven't got a clue how to get my act together??? It beats me.

MKB

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