|Whereto Find It at Best Years|
Forum:The Midlife Crisis
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|Midlife Crisis Forum 2000|
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|April 6, 2000
I stay in a relationship far too long 25 years of an abusive marriage. I am finding it very hard to pick up the pieces even though i have been divorced for some time.
I am 50, and my wife is 44. We are coming up on our 2yr anniversary
of being separated. Unlike most of the stories where the husband is having
a mlc, I feel she is the one. I could take any letter in here and change
he or him, to she or her! After 22yrs of marriage (good times and bad,
like everyone)! She woke up one morning, after saying goodnight and I love
you the previous night, and told me "she didn't love me anymore... hasn't
for the past couple of yrs... and can't make herself love me.... It wasn't
any one thing, just all the little things over the years.She said "I don't
want to talk about it, and it was my fault, I had over 20yrs to get her
to love me"...........We were losing our house through foreclosure, IRS
all over us, Loosing our bus. of18 yrs......( We had said we'll start over
and stick together one month prior!)We had a son 20 and a daughter 17.It
seems she tried to justify everything bad was good because "God would want
herto be happy!"........... This evidently meant going to bars dating within
2 weeks, etc.,just like everything the wives are stating... My family who
went to church every Sunday, said grace before each meal, had a beautiful
caring wife, mother, brother, sister, home, family dog, memories of littleleague,
soccer, gymnastics, dance, honor students, straight A report cards, camping,
holidays, prayers at bed time, La Mause(sp) classes for birth,
Wishing and praying....:-)
My husband and I have been married for 10 yrs. It has been hard raising
4 kids,ages 25, 24,21,20. He had 2 girls and I had 2 boys. Finally
they are grown and doing good.We have 1 girl still living part-time at
home. Our life is starting to be good.Now we can be close but he starting
going out with his male friend who is a rounder andstarted going to girlie
clubs. I guess that
Dear CH, This is the first time I have checked this page in a long time.
I honestly don't know what to say anymore, except I
Broken and Waiting
Hi, I would like to know how to purk my life up after being treated badly for over 30 years being faithful to my husband i have always been put last for all people every one else is always first or right he walks over me in my on home he also is a bad lier. He is always gone or on the telephone with others he goes to work and bills get paid but i feel like i am all alone , I need some answers i am talented i work part time and i am a fashion hat designer i just can't seem to get my self on tract.
help with some suggestions please.
April 11, 2000
I have been married for 14 years, my husband and I have had our fights
but not like this one. I found out that my husband was planning to go to
L.A. to visit this woman that he meet in Feb in S.F. He was not happy about
the whole situation. He told me that he can't talk to me without an argument,
he told me he hated me, he was dead inside, he couldn't get a hard on and
of course a bunch of other horrible things. I supported us while my husband
went to UC Berkeley for 4 years. I went part-time in
I believe that you are experiencing something that I experienced 13
years ago. I wish I could have
I was married at sixteen and we are together today. We have
been married for 27 years this year.
April 15, 2000
I would like to share some insight that has helped in my healing.
I've been married almost 34 years, both my husband and I are just past
50. For the last year we have been living separately and are trying
to get our marriage back. It has definitively been Midlife Crisis,
an affair with a younger woman, a run-away attitude from a super responsible
man, unable to make decisions, weak, emotional, etc. I've also
ran the gambit--as low as a person can go in despair and devastation and
still make it back up. Two books are necessary: Men in Midlife Crisis
by Jim Conway and Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James C. Dobson. I've come
to learn that there are two kinds of love, I call them healthy and unhealthy.
Unhealthy love loves another person for what that person can do for you.
I believe this is what happens on both sides of an affair. The other
person listens to them, makes them feel younger and more alive. Usually,
they don't even really know the person they think they love. It is
also some of the love I had for my husband that made me desperate and clingy.
I needed him. Healthy love loves the other person, unconditionally.
Learning this has allowed me to care more about my husband and to try and
help him, to understand what he is going through. It has helped me
to heal whether or not we are ever a couple again or not. I am also
free to love him, forgive him, forgive myself and to pray for the best
for him. In troubled relationships there is a lot that has to be
let go of. I hope what I'm writing makes sense and can help someone
else. This "learning experience" is so extremely painful to all of
Having seen that other people have gone through the same thing that I am going through, I would like to know more about Mid-Life crisis - cause, effect, prognosis. Can you give me written sources?
In New Jersey June
I could have written many of these letters. After 23 years of marriage, the day after my son's wedding,the week of our grandson's birth and his 50th birthday, my husband just left. (January 2 2000) At first he tried blaming me for everything but now admits it is all him but still thinks I control him. HUH! He was away from home four nights a week for his job! He lives alone, works constantly, is unhappy, but still wants to be alone. Could someone explain to me why anyone would choose to give up everyone in the world who cares for him to live like this? What happens to men to cause this? What happens to men who do this? He said he loves me, is sorry he hurt me (he said and did some bad things that I never thought this man was capeable of) I will go on with my life, but it certainly isn't what I wanted for us. Why would a person choose lonliness and misery over a loving and caring family?
April 21, 2000
I've read a number of the stories in this forum, and I feel for all of you; I've been through my share of painful experiences. But as a read them, I am struck with the symptoms of depression that come out over and over in both the writers and their spouses. I am a physician (not a psychiatrist) who has had his share of depression due to life's up and downs, and was once married to someone with a mood disorder.
If you feel constantly sad, worthless, unworthy of love, a sense that
everything is wrong, a feeling that people or things that you once loved
no longer make you happy, you may well be depressed. Other things
that a depressed person is likely to experience include changes in sleep
(particularly early morning awakening), apetite, and sex drive. If
you have these symptoms, run, do not walk, to your family doctor or mental
health clinic. If your spouse/significant other has them, drag him/her
I'm not trying to say that this is the answer to everyone's problems, but what have you got to lose?
Aloha: I first would like to thank you for this site,Thank you.The past
year Iv been experiencing lots of regrets,I'am 37 and have found lack of
interest in every thing,life,surfing,playing the guitar,ect.I still find
women attractive, usually have no problems performing,but I notice, I do
not wake up with erections, as often as I used to.I'v never been married,
or do I have kids,I feel like I have missed the boat all togeather.I grew
up with a very abusive mother & uncale,my father was never around,
do to a divorce, when I was very young,I have had to deal with this through
therapy from a young age,and have had many bad relation ships, do to my
upbringing ,I feel.. I'am getting better at relation ships but I do not
envy the woman who has to put up with my
To whom it may concern: My husband and I have been married going
on 19 yrs.and I realize that midlife crisis begins between 35-50.
My husband is between those numbers. I believe he is going thru it.
He doesn't love on me like he used to....the kids are teenagers who seem
to be going their own direction. My husband is distant, like there
may be someone else involved.
i have just read your home page and didnt find it very useful....i am 53 years old, ex marine, always been in great shape, have been an electrical contractor for nearly 30 years...just found out i have to have surgery, and due to the nature of it, i will never be able to perform the type of work i have been doing all my life....no interest in anything else, no other abilities.......so i think that you should add suicide as an alternative to a mid life career change
Suicide is NEVER a good alternative. You will have a life post-surgery, maybe a very good life. Right now you are seriously depressed. Please see a professional counselor NOW, TODAY. Look in the phone book and find a suicide crisis hotline. Believe me; the person taking calls has felt what you feel, and they can get help. So do it now, for your loved ones, for yourself.
April 25, 2000
Dear CC, if all the others who have lived hadn't died there would be no room for you or for me on this planet. And if we don't die there will be no room for our children. We all have our time and that's it- when it's done it's done. We must accept this. This is one of those things that we cannot change and so we must accept it and if we don't, we'll go crazy and break and cease to function. But I'll tell you this, while you're still alive, you better live because when you die, it's over. From Jamie.
I have a family member turning 50 and would love to come up with a list of 50 reasons to celebrate this milestone. Do you know of any such lists or have any ideas? I hope to keep this light and humourous. Many thanks! Kim Please respond to jaiko@ csolve.net
I believe there is such a thing. I had been going thru menopause
and didn't believe it was affecting me and didn't listen to my husband
of almost 28 years when he told me so. We had gone thru his dad's
death, my dad's death and then I had to put my mom in a nursing home.
Our kids were grown, he wasn't giving me much attention and I wanted out.
I thought I was doing the right thing, after all if he loved me he'd show
it more. Day in court: Turned and asked him if he would go
to counselling - I had changed my mind and decided if he would go I wasn't
going thru with the divorce. He asked me to step out of the
courtroom where he told me "Yes, he'd go for counselling and then added
how I initiated all of this and dragged him all the way up there."
I said let's go in the courtroom and get it over. I sat there and
said yes to everything even tho I knew I was doing it in anger.
I always wanted to dance with him, he never wanted to. Our
son had gotten married several months prior to divorce and we were going
to take lessons at a dancing studio. There was a misunderstanding
and we didn't. He decided after divorce he would sign up for lessons
at that studio by himself. He did and has been dancing ever since.
That was November. Says he still wants to see me just doesn't know how
he feels about me. So I asked him to move out as it's driving me
crazy not knowing where I stand with him. I love him so much, I feel
my heart is being ripped out of my chest. And I feel subconsciously
this is his way of getting back for the hurt I caused him. I also
feel he is going what I went through, midlife crisis, except we're
Relax and have fun with your men. Instead of saying, "He did this" or "He did That" (which probably is what drove him away in the first place) try to listen. Men are much more sensitive than women tend to think even though they may not be saying anything. (We may not be talking, but we are always dreaming) Just remember that of all things in life, having a good time is what all men want when they run off with a younger woman. So figure out ways to have fun and learn what your man loves to do. Nothing better than a fun mate who challenges you day to day with fun ideas and a great attitude.
I am a 39 year-old male and think that I am facing a nasty mid-life
crisis. I am a professional media consultant and a professional musician.
Five years ago, my wife of 10 years and our four year old son moved from
Boston, MA to Boise, ID. My wife and I went through several discussions,
some of them difficult, but I relented and we moved to Boise, ID and are
My wife says she's done. Doesn't value me anymore. Wants to forget 10
years of marriage. Wants away from me. I'm not some monster. God knows
I have faults. What is this crap. The depression sucks. The hot flashes
suck. The OCD sucks. I used to be a really strong and healthy person. Now
all I'm facing is visitation with two children I love dearly, an estranged
I have tried counseling but that didn't work because once again it was my fault. For God sake, I moved across the US for this woman, my family and I have given her everything she could want, and we face 8 months of difficulty and off she goes.
My attorney said "you need a divorce, for a long time you are dead." I don't want a divorce, I want my life back. I feel very alone and a long way from my birth family as they are in Boston. Help. Any advice.
Confused in Boise.
I've been married 18 years, and have 3 sons - 16, 14 & 11. Through
the years my husband and I had our ups &
As of two years ago he became distant and dropped hints about not finding satisfaction in his work and where his life was going. He wanted change in his life, either it was to relocate to another city or change his job.
He felt the burden of responsibility: our children and marriage were holding him back ~ Changing his job - we depended on his salary Relocating to antoher city - the kids were settled in school and were academically suceeding Traveling abroad - our kids and myself wanted to go too
I could see he was leaving us emotionally, spiritually and physically. He was a shell of a man, his body was with us but his mind was somewhere else. He was always mentioning his happiness and memories when he went on an overseas trip to visit his family. He compared our USA lifestyle to the old country, how we had no traditions, no pride in our culture, no drive or extra-ordinary achievments.
These issues were the foundation of our arguments: Who, what and where over in the old country did he compare us too? Myself & my kids felt they were trying to live up to poor families who are driven to succeed under a communist oppression.
Believe me we worked hard over the years: Our family was not perfect, but they are great kids, eldest on the honor roll for 3 years straight, middle one a great writer and karate student, youngest a soccer player and artist. We worked hard to live a wealthy neighborhood with good schools for our kids. We put 200% in our marriage and family, infinite sacrafices in money and career choices.
Now at the end of May 2000 he abandoned our family for 3 days. Didn't call the kids, who were in tears. He came back and told us all at once he is filing for divorce. I went along with all of signing of the paperwork against my will. He was determined to follow through with the divorce proceedings. I knew I had to do it too, or else it would be messy, vindictive, spiteful and ugly plus our kids would suffer these consequences.
He wants me to be his 'best friend' and pal. Over the past 3 weeks we had intimate sex 5 times. After the 5th time he said he felt bad about it and sad and confused. I assumed he wanted to get back together - instead it was only 'fun' to him. My spirit was crushed & broken, my soul is almost dead.
I hit rock bottom, I cried in fits of pain until I fell asleep, liquer
and sleeping pills to numb and drown my pain. In the day I smile and laugh
and put on a fake smile...so he can see I'm positive. But inside I'm sick
and think of suicide. Therapy hasn't helped
Sure I think about my kids, but I feel useless and worn, and thrown away like a piece of trash.
He bought a new motocycle and takes off when he feels like it-to feel free. While I stay home and watch over the kids or take care of the house chores. We still live together as roomates and share common living areas. He comes and goes as he pleases and is in the process of changing his career role. He may relocate, or move.
In the meantime... my kids and I feel abandoned - my husand and thier
father is missing. Our family is broken, and my 50% can't ever make it
whole. But I'm still trying in vain? I'm seriously thinking of joining
a convent to be a nun, at times I loose my
Then I pop out of it and think about my children and God. I need a miracle...I want to live but with my family intact. Now in 5 months the divorce will be final...but I'm not sure I can hold on that long onto life.
I want to tell all of you and every husband and wife, please I beg you
do not divorce, work it out! There is only pain and suffering from
your actions. Search your soul and take time out and spend time together,
talk out your problems - make it work, find solutions, but in what ever
you do please, please don't give up on your marriage...your children need
you and there
I take one day at a time...God bless.
May 2, 2000
Yes! It really does exist, this depression, anxiety and trauma.
I am 41 years old and have just recuperated from a major depression which
lasted for approximately 5 months. With the help of my husband, family
and mental health professionals I was able to find my way out of the hell.
I was in very bad shape, I had lost 25lbs in a matter of 3 weeks and I
became totally untrusting of everyone including my doctor. I never
really believed that such a thing really existed, but let me tell you it
does. I know that if I hadn't gotten help I would not be here today.
I am however, now unemployed because of this and that hurts.
I have read everything that is on these pages and have one question...these seem to fit what is going on with my husband right now, but he is only 25...I think that it is possible he is having a midlife crisis because we moved so fast...met at 18, moved in together after 3 months (relationship total of 5 1/2 years). We have a nice home, nice car, good jobs and a beautiful daughter who is almost 1 year old. I need help, resources, support. Please give me some direction...I want to deal with this the right way...I want to save our marriage.
My husband and I are in our mid fifties. Four years ago we moved to take care of my husband's elderly parents. Our last child had left the nest, and we thought we would be empty nesters up to this point, and have to deal with the special problems associated with having an empty nest. This of course did not happen, as the young was replaced with the old. Our dilemma now is that we are free again, but are frightened to make a move. Our ages now scare us. We are afraid of not being able to find jobs at our age. I am not working as I was the chief caregiver and now I need to go back to school to upgrade. My husband is in a job he absolutely hates, so we feel trapped. Should we move back to the city where the housing market is so much more, or stay here and eventually become stable. Years ago we would have made this decision with the snap of our fingers, but now it is so hard to make decisions. Anyone else feel the same way?
Vivienne in small town in B.C.
Hello. I'm Kathy, mid thirties and on Disability for over two years. This would have been my 10th year of teaching, had I not become ill 2 years ago. I attempted to return to teaching in Jan.2000, after volunteering at the school for 3 months. I couldn't do it, and ended up in the hospital: psych ward, again. I have been diagnosed with everything from depressed to Bipolar to Borderline to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I make money on my Disability, but would like to work again. I wonder, often, if I could work successfully in a different field, start over somewhere new. The doctors say no, stay off work. I have good days and bad days. On bad days, I can not get out of my bed and have severe panic attacks.
I am an educated, skilled person who suddenly can not do the simplest
of things. I saw it coming, my last 2 years of teaching were very
tough. Do you know of anyone who has gone through this and won the
struggle to work again? I'm 35, and not ready to quit, although my
body and brain have. My will says 'do it'!! Then I try, and
fail again. I can't find anywhere on
Thanks, Kathy S
hello, I'm 24 Years old, and I was wondering is it possible for a 24 year old to go through life having a midlife crisis without being married or having children?
I believe my husband is going though MLC. We have been marriage for
17+ years. I came home one day and he told me he wanted a divorced. It
blow me away I never knew our marriage was so bad. I blame myself because
I did push him away when it came to sex and I guess its was one time to
many. He told me he has been unhappy for about 4 years. I wish he would
have told me how he was feeling I never knew. I told him I'm sorry I was
wrong and he should have communicated with me on how he felt. He said he
did, but if I wasn't getting his little hits he should have said something.
It really opened my eyes and I
May 8, 2000
My husband of almost 26 years landed the news March 31 thath he "wanted
out". That he couldn't deal with this anymore. As the shock
wore on the this was me *I suffer from mild manic depressoin), 1 23 year
old controlling college spoiled rottend daddy's girl, an 18 year son ready
to graduate high school wiith uncertainties about where to go and how to
finance; war on the job; falling stock rates; crumblinv 401 k and he just
wanted to go somewhere an set. Now in all of this porposition he
aould like me to be around the corner to togo out to eat date, go places,
do things, take vacations. He had it planned in his head only if
I wouldn't touvh his retirement. I begged to stay to try to work
it out. He was amazed as we have had our shareof ups and
Theonly positive I can from any of thisis that he says that he is stll here. That he does love me just not in love with me. Me and the gracious Lord have ahad a greater walk than ever. I have read a lot of books where he is classic: tanning bed, full beard, new cologne; weating shorts outside, and swearing that he not interested in any one else exce[t ,e allowing him back into hi life
This whole situation has done nothing for my depressopm amd insomina.Help
I can relate to your difficulty in making a major life decision. I, too, am trapped and desperately seeking a way out.
Can you or your husband investigate the reality of moving back to the city before actually do it? I was contemplating moving to the Pacific Northwest from the East Coast to be closer to family and start a business. I went out for two weeks. What I found was the weather and I are incompatible, housing prices are out of reach, and to get the business going I needed contacts, which I didn't have. Though I've very disappointed, at least I didn't make a major move that would have literally left me out in the cold.
I'll be 50 in a few months and decision making is tougher. I spent a quarter of a century as a Manger/Director level employee in corporate America and now find myself unemployable and uninsurable. It's a nightmare.
But you have to try each day to do something. You and your husband may want to try sitting down and working out the pros and cons of staying or going. What ever you do, make sure you can keep a roof over your heads and food on the table. Scrambling for life's basics makes it incredibly hard to think clearly.
Don't give up!! My husband of 22 years told me the same thing a year ago. Most things are better now, but we still have some problems. He told me then he wanted to leave, but he stayed and we are trying to work things out and now he says he doesn't want to leave and doesn't know why he has done some of the things he did. I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but prayer is a very powerful thing. Talk to God and ask him to give you strength to go through this with your husband and reveal things to you that you can do to help him. Read "My Husband's Mid-Life Crisis" by Sally Conway and "Men in Mid-Life Crisis" by Jim Conway and anything else you can find on mid-life crisis. These books will help you and explain to you some of the things your husband is going through. If you can get your husband to read the one by Jim Conway that would be fantastic. It would help him too. It doesn't last forever even though it seems like it will while you are going through it. I will pray for you and your family. God wants to see families together, not torn apart!
Well I have just found your site and was hoping to see some positive stories. My husbad of the past 10 years is also going through what i belive to be a MLC. About one month ago he at 36 began sleeping with a 22 yr old from his job. He after two and a half weeks of my knowing about their "relationship", after my getting drunk and taking approximately 20-25 Tylenol and spending 2 days in the psyc ward at a local hospital has been gone for the past week and a half. He has admitted to mutual friends that he feels like he is 18 again, which only convinces me this is MLC. He says he still love me and our three children (10, 7 and 4) but he is just not happy,. Untill the affair began their were no signs of his unhappiness nor did he tell me he was. I am feeling as if i am dying inside, my soul is dying. I have been with this man since i was 16, i am now 26. I have been backing off thinking he will wake up and realize what he is doing. So then my question is, do men generally get over this and how long can it take. I need a general idea dont know what to do, cant sleep cant eat and am having the hardest time dealing with the kids.
Please respond ASAP.
Lonely & Hurt
I just stumbled across this page so I hope my comments are appropriate
I am 44, divorced after 10 years of marriage, no children, mother with Alzheimers (father passed away 3 years ago at 84) a self-employed business owner and work primarily by myself but love being around people...
I am financially independant and could probably retire but love what
I do and want to continue to work (on my terms) indefinitely as I have
to be busy and find it hard to relax (sleeping isnt a problem but relaxing
while awake IS) I am dating a woman that is older than me with 2 grown
children and while she is quite settled and very easy to get along with,
I still feel somewhat un-fulfilled. She is sexually very accomodating but
never initiates anything and is very conventional in her thinking (had
never heard of wearing Lingere during sex ??) I just wonder if I am expecting
too much at this point in my life. I look and act much younger than my
age and though I am very comfortable with her, long for something more
Is it typical for a man in my situation to feel this way ??
May 10, 2000
well here goes my husband of 18 yrs moved out in feb i had a drinking
problem and have been working it for 3 mo lots of counsuling also am on
antidepressents. he wants to work on the marriage but in seperate
places. says he loves and cares about me but is not in love with me.
we have 3 kids and he says there ok with this last night he told
me he wanted peace and
You are not expecting enough out of life! Why are you settling for a relationship that is less than fulfilling? I am 48 and single and divorced twice only to realize that life is what "I" make it not what others give me. If I allow others to run my emotions and make decisions for what I need or want, then I will always be left with less than I ever dreamed of having. Your current relationship sounds very compromising compared to your overall achievements. Shoot for what you really want from another by meeting them eye-to-eye for sexual, emotional and intellectual thinking. What do you have to lose?
There is a movie called, "What About Bob." Rent the video to learn that life is all about taking "baby steps." Think of your current disability with depression as a newborn who must learn how to function again step-by-step. Until the swinging of emotions and disabling exhaustion lessens, you must stay at home and keep yourself occupied with gardening, reading, puzzles, friends, etc. Medication takes time (weeks) to take full affect and repairing the body takes months to sometimes years. Your spirit is strong which is what will pull you through and win this battle. You will become employed again, but please wait until your body and mind are one and healed. Listen to your doctors, listen to your inner self. In the meantime, rest. What you've experienced is a difficult task for any human soul. Hugs to you!
May 23, 2000
I've been reading this site for the past few weeks, and I've read a
lot (thank you Mike for saying you'll spend the rest of you life trying
to make up to your family for your mistakes). I was one of those
women who said that if my husband EVER cheated, he was out the door.
It's so different when it happens. It's amazing to me that so many
people are going through the same things. I, too, would like to know
what happens to men a few years down the road after they decide that their
wife isn't what they want anymore. My husband is 43, I'll be 41 next
month. He's apparently a textbook case of midlife crisis. This
Fishing is all he thinks about now, and apparently he's been leaving
the boat that the slut's house. The one he was no longer seeing.
He's been staying with an older female co-worker 20-30 miles from here.
He asked me if I'm ready to give up our house (I asked him if he's ready
to give up the boat---the LOOK I got!). I'm tempted to hook up the
boat and take it and start a bonfire with it. Better yet, leave it
there and start a bonfire with it. Because of the situation with
where the boat is, and the lying about the woman, my older daughter won't
even speak to him. She told him she would talk to him after he gets
the two of them an appointment with our counselor, which he finally did.
It's this week. He says this time I'm getting what I want.
My mother just called to tell me that my daughter stopped at their house
to introduce her prom date to them. My mother
I suggest reading "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real. The sub-title is 'Understanding Male Mid-Life Depression". You can find it at B.Dalton.
Three years ago I was going through the worst part of my mid-life crisis. In therapy. Looking for answers. When I got this book, it answered just about every question I had. I recently finished my third re-read.
He explains why men turn out the way they do, why they have such a hard time understanding and expressing their feelings, why they commonly fall into depression in mid-life.
He explains several concepts in depth that struck home immediately. He also has a real talent for explaining his relationship with his own dad. It is those passages that still bring tears to my eyes -- you go, Terrence! Been there, done that.
The book doesn't solve your problem for you, but it does explain how you've been set up by society for this fall in your prime years. You see your own mortality (in my case, my younger brother died from cancer the week before I turned 40) and you suddenly look up and wonder what the hell you've been doing with your life. Up until now, it was head down, bust ass, steamroll the next schmuck, get ahead.
"Is this the best I can do? Why isn't my sex life off the charts? Why aren't I having wild adventures?" These questions are mis-directed, but they are exactly what you'd expect from someone who has been programmed to achieve and believe life is a zero-sum game: "I win, you lose.".
The real questions should be: "Why can't I connect with people? Why can't I get in touch with my feelings? Why should I keep busting my ass 60 hours a week? Why can't I just talk with other men as a human being instead of as a competitor?"
I watch the young guys today doing exactly the same things I used to do, and I want to shake them and scream "READ THIS BOOK!". It can save your life.
I'm coming out the far side now, and just as Terrence promised, it's better than it ever was. I know now I love my wife of 18 years, though I put her through hell, with my constant searching for a ripe 20-something that would make me feel better about getting older. My relations with people are 100% better, and I'm starting to feel secure enough that I can actually offer people love and affection instead of insults and put-downs.
Terrence, if you ever read this, I want you to know I've bought 10 copies of your book and given them to friends -- and I never get it back. You saved my life, dude. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I am a first time visitor to your sight. I am not sure what I am expecting from this visit or even if I know what MLC is???
I am a 43 male and have a wonderful supportive wife, an 18yr son, 15 yr daughter, 14 year daughter, 6 yr daughter. My three older children are straight "A" students heading toward post education and my 5yr old is top of her Jr. Kindrgtn. I get comments often on how well mannered and behaved my children are.
I am self-employed and the business is under tremendous cash flow pressure with my personal income dropping from $ 120K plus to $ 30K plus making home finances very tight and adding stress to all family members. In the past two years I have had some business deals go bad and so on.
Personally, had my first stress attack last year and was diagnosed as diabetic. The marriage... as far as my wife is concerned everything is fine (I think). At 47 she is becoming much more independent and my three older children are starting to do their own thing in life. The relationships with my wife and children are not the same as a couple of years ago.
Some days I simply have not got the spark, energy, or desire to live life anymore fighting off depression and that ever haunting question what the ## are you doing with your life. Maybe I'm just a pathetic self-centered sob.
Morally and ethically I don't want to renege on my responsibilities to family and employees but some days seems to demand more of me than I have to give. Some days I want to disappear to a place with no phones, people, and/or relationships.
Is this MLC or nothing more than a self wallowing pitty-party. Funny thing... at 20yrs old I could carry the burden of the world and had my act together... how is it at 43 yrs old I don't want any more of life's little burdens and haven't got a clue how to get my act together??? It beats me.
|Whereto Find It at Best Years|