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Forum:The Midlife Crisis

So what are your thoughts on issues pertaining to the midlife crisis?Talk to me; talk to each other, or just talk. I look forward to hearingfrom you.
 

Midlife Crisis Forum by Year
April-December 1997 January-December 1998 January-December1999 January-December 2000 January-December 2001
Midlife Crisis Forum 2000
January-March April-May June-August September-October November-December

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January-March 2000


January 12, 2000

I have been with my husband for 27 years. I believe he is going through a midlife crisis. He works 12-14 hours a day, eats two meals a day at fast food places and sleeps very little. He said he wants to leave me and give up everything to be alone. He is physical ill as well but, feels that me and my children are to much to handle. We have two teenage boys. One moment he acts like nothing is going on and the next he is leaving. I think he works to stay away and keep this off his mind. What should I do? Should I let him go? How long does this kind of thing last? Please help I am at wits end.

PB

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I Have a husband going through mlc and this is the hardest thing Ihave every been through does it get any better

DB

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I think the worst part (and this does indeed proclaim my vanity) is realizing that I am my parents age. All of a sudden, I am not 20+ years old, I am 40+ years old. This is how old mom and dad should be. My kids are the age I should be. Would I trade anything to be that young again? Well..........

CC

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To broken and waiting. When I read your story I cried, because that could have been me writing this. Except my husband found himself another family and moved in with them. My husband is not a person that lies. Well he does now. I had to go to court and get a restraining order against him, because he took my car and left his broken down one for me. I got the car back and when we went to court, he told me how sorry he was, with his "new love" sitting right there. He also said that he made a big mistake, he just wanted to let her down slowly. And he would be coming back home. So I dropped the restraining order, big fool that I am. I believed him and wanted nothing more than just to have him back. Well, my son (24) and I spent Christmas by ourselves and when my son called him to ask him to go dinner with us, he said he was busy, maybe some other time. After 28 years of marriage, I just could not believe that he would do something like this, but he is a stranger now, not a sign left of the person I knew. We had problems for the last 10 years since he went through midlife crisis when he turned 40, but then he only went to work out 24 hours a day and he wouldn't talk to us or do anything for us. Since then I have wrapped a shell around myself in order not to get hurt, but it didn't work, because now I suffer double. Well, I had enough of this, he can stay where he is and rot for all I care. I have been blaming myself for such a long time for everything that went wrong with our marriage, completely forgetting that there are two people involved. I will survive this and go on with my life and if I am really lucky someday, I will find a person who will really love me and not go crazy on me when things get tough. It seems I was always there when he needed me, but all he did was abuse me for it. His cruelty was unbelievable. I found out about the other woman on our 28th anniversary when he did not come home for the first time. When I questioned him, he told me that I could figure out that he didn't go fishing. And naturally it was all my fault. I drove him to it. Then he spent one more month at home, chatting with his love on the computer, knowing full well that I could read everything he wrote to her. When I told him it would be better if he left he told me that he would go when he chose to do so and If I did not act like a good wife he would not pay the bills. Thank God I just found a job, because when he left he left me all the bills. Now he is giving me a little bit of money every month, but most of it goes toward his new family. Isn't that so nice. He also promised me to go to marriage counseling, which never happened. When he was supposed to go he called me and told me that he was not feeling well. To the therapist he said he wasn't ready. When I wrote him an e-mail begging him to come home and telling him that I love him, he answered me that he was petrified to start over and that he loved his new woman and would be miserable without her and that he cared for me as a friend not as a wife. How easy it is for him. Well after all this time of misery I have had it . I will believe that the person I once knew and loved is dead. And even if he came back now, how could I ever trust him again and after ten more years will he do the same thing again. No thank you.

CH

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January 25, 2000

Is there a such thing as Midlife Crisis? I am 38 years of age and personally don't believe in midlife crisis. Is there any documentary on this subject or is midlife crisis an excuse for men to become unfaithful to their wives? If you don't have any hard evidence concerning this subject it will be very hard for you to convince me otherwise. I believe the midlife crisis is a excuse for men to mess around and that is all it is. I hope you are able to convince me otherwise, but if not thanks for trying.

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I am a very active 36 year old woman married with 2 children, until about a 1-2 years I have been very happy in my married life...I thought.  I have been with my husband for 21 years in February.  We have been married for 17 yrs.  My two boys 10 and 13 are very active with both of us, but being boys, do more with their father.  I enjoyed being able to "do my own thing" on weekends, they would race and other sports, sometimes a couple times a month I would accompany them.  We go out as a family a couple times during the week, and my husband and I go out 1-2 times ourselves. 

We have a very good relationship, but I felt I needed to do more on my own, I joined groups and went to school, got a second job that feels like a hobby I'm being paid for, I love both my jobs.  But as time went on I started to not want to go home.  I realized as a year passed that I was doing everything you are supposed to do, to keep everything going in a marriage, and so does my husband.  But still the "missing something" and lonliness of that missing piece was becoming more unbearable when I would have to go home at night.  I realized I felt guilty that I have fallen out of love with my husband even though he is a wonderful man, father, and husband.  I started to try things drastic, I told him what I feel like.  We moved, worked on the new house together, hoping it would bring us together.  He has done everything he can.  It hasn't worked. 

On December I broke his heart, I moved out into an apartment of my own.  He doesn't understand, or believe, that I have no feelings of "love" for him anymore.  I do love him, but not the way of husband and wife, I have no sexual need for him.  He is an active, and attractive man, yet I don't have those feelings for him.  I have them for someone else.  I have not acted upon  these feelings but the guilt of this has made me tired, of pretending to have them with my husband.  We are in counseling so he can try to understand that this has nothing to do with anything he has or has not done.  If I could take a magic drink, and be in love with my husband again I would gladly do it.  But the truth is he can be romantic, and send flowers to my work, etc., but it just makes me feel bad for hurting him, I wonder what could be wrong with ME that this has happened.  I do not want to move back home, yet he waits, and says I will come to my senses, I do not miss him in my bed at night.  Is this a mid-life crises, or just someone who grew up and away from the best man anyone could have?  He is a true friend, and deserves so much more.  He suspects I have someone else.  In reality I have been in love with a coworker for over a year.  I have not succumbed to any relationship with this person, and neither has he, he is married also.  But the plain fact is it has made me realize that there is something wrong with my marriage.  I have been gone 3 weeks, I don't know where I am going...I have no answers, I am in as much pain as my husband.  No one will probably understand that. Life can truly be a mystery!
LRG 

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February 2, 2000

Dear Broken and waiting
        I know how you feel, because I'm in the same boat.  My husband told me he wasn't happy and that he felt dead on the inside.  I couldn't and still don't understand, we just bought our dream home, celebrated our 10 year anniversary in Hawaii. The following week was his 39 birthday, I'm still thinking every thing is fine. Little did I know he was dead inside, but on the out side he wore that sincere smile that I so very much love.  The night he left, I couldn't sleep in our bed, not in our dream home, (of 3 months) He moved in with his brother and wife, it's as if he hasn't a care in the world.  The one thing that keeps him going is his computers, playing one particular game, and that's when he met her.  Someone he can relate to, because I didn't care to play.  He tells me he finds her interesting, they have a lot in common.  But, she's not pretty like me(she sent him a picture over the internet). What every she is telling him its working. 
        I do plan on keeping my husband, He will be moving back in before Valentine's day, and I 'm going to show him what we've had for the past 13 years is still here.  I'm going to help him through this MLC, and we will beat it.  I'm a firm believer in God and I made a vow to myself and my husband and most of all God, it will be until death do us part. 
                        Firm Believer at 33

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I have read your page after a suggestion to look  up 'mid life crisis' from my husband. We have been married 15 yrs and have two kids.   He is currently going through the mid life crisis thing.  I am thankfull he told me, but the timing is bad.  My father who lives in our town has been diagnosed with cancer, nothing really they can do for him, two weeks later my husband tells me he is having this crisis in his life, but it has nothing to do with "me".  He has been working out. grown a beard, and looks great.  The next week he is offered a transfer in his job which is also a very good promotion.  He left today, the same day my
dad starts radiation treatments.  I will stay with the kids till we sell our house.  We have talked alot about every-thing but I am still feeling abandoned and am worried he will like living alone too much.  I know being "clingy" with him isn't good, he needs some space, but I am very close with my parents and losing my dad is hitting me like a ton of bricks. Losing both of them would be too much.  I have a good man and would like to keep him....my life is day to day and I feel like I am hanging by a thread. Help?

AMP

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How amazing that I am joining all you other women who's husbands are going  through a MLC.  My story is exactly the same as yours with minor variations.  My husband after 13 years of marriage doesn't think he wants to be married anymore.  It's just too hard.  He's not sure though if he'll be making a mistake.  I have broken his trust in me by not paying off our debts - a house mortgage, a second mortgage and one credit card. He does not feel like #1, the sex life is less than adequate is what he tells the counselor, he doesn't like my going to college.  He just turned 47.All he wants to do is be happy.  He doesn't know what will make him happy but evidentally our marriage is the cause of his unhappiness.  I too am his yo-yo.

I won't go into more details because you all know the routine. IThis happened to me two days after Christmas and he left on New Years day - happy millenium!  Like so many of you, I thought I would go crazy.  I have searched everything I did in the past, I have analyzed him up one side and down the other.  Finally I know that it is his problem and not me.  It does not make it any easier and all the same fears you have are there for me.  I would take him back in an instant.  The only thing that really really scares me is that this can go on for years?!!  God how do I get through this?  I have prayed till I am blue in the face.  I have yelled at God, pleaded with him to just bring him back and save this marriage. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't concentrate.My only hope is that we are going to counseling and that there is not yet any other woman.

Thank you for being out there and know that it helps to know that others understand the pain I am going through.  Is there any support groups for this kind of thing?  I live in Denver. I will be keeping tabs on what is going on with some of you and any help or insight you can send me would be appreciated. 

Another Wife

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February 10, 2000
 My wife gave me several articles from this site because she says that I 
am going through MLC.  I am 38 years old and her dearly, but I don't seem to 
be able to control this feeling of needing something that I cannot grab, see, 
hold or explain.  What is this mlc junk? Are there any other guys out there 
going through this or that has gone through it that can tell me more?  All of 
the post here are from the wife's and I am sorry for you ladies, I am 
searching and although I feel it is the right thing to do I don't wish to 
ruin 8 years for something that I may never understand.  My wife is preparing 
to leave me because she says that she cannot handle this and feels 
disrespected, what is going on? 

I am seeking new spiritual paths and lifestyle changes and although there were times I wanted her to come on this journey with me and have even attempted to bring her along, now that she is willing I feel that I cannot take it with her.  I don't like this crap and want it over with yet I feel I have no control here.  I see my life changing 
before my eyes and don't know if it is the path I was meant to take or if I am being selfish and seeing the full picture.  I think that if I don't take the journey then I will forever regret not going where my inner self is trying to lead me.  I am scared and afraid and don't wish to lose her but I also think that somewhere deep down inside of me I need to do this.  Is any of this making sense?  She has said that I have stop communicating with her and that, that is the problem but I don't see where I have changed and I guess that is the problem. 

Why is it that men are the ones that go through mlc and the women do not?  I need answers and need them now, I sit here writing this and my wife is packing her things to leave me.  She said that one day I will come home and she will be gone, I look at her and am at a complete lost for words.  It is as though I have become a child listening to the parent confront them and not knowing what to say in response.  I am writing this but I don't think many men will read it.  I want to hear about a successful mlc if there is such a thing.  I thought I am too young for this, 
why me? Why now?  I have a very loving wife and I adore her to no end.  I 
would give her anything in the world so why am I writing to you while she is 
packing? This thing sucks.  Is there a group for men going through this 
garbage?  We have spent the last few weeks shouting, yelling, seeking. 
talking, making love some of the best in our relationship, so why me damn it. 
 My wife is 50 and it is not a younger women thing.  Somewhere in my heart I 
think it is the right thing but I did not want it like this, am I seeing the 
whole picture?  I think I went on long enough, are there any answers out 
there.

    LM
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I'm not sure I'm in a secure enough position to speak yet, but I'llshare this experience with you anyway in case it helps someone.

I'm 36 my husband is 38, we have two children, 9 & 17.  Eight monthsago, my husband went out to band practise (He is a part time musician)and didn't come home that night.When he arrive at 6 the next morning (First time this has ever happenedin 17 years) he told me he was in love with someone else and was leaving
me. That day.

In shock, our relationship had always been the kind I dreamt about(although the previous year had seen us both undergo a great deal ofstress), I left - to go for a drive and get my thoughts together.

While I was out, it occured to me that I couldn't go home to have him
drive away to her.

So I called home & said I needed a few days to get myself together.

We struggled off and on trying to work things out. He loved me. He loved me not. He loved me. He loved me not.  I suggested that I move out to let him get himself together in the comfort of familiar surroundings and decide what he wanted. This would also allow me to start life fresh too rather than staying here lamenting his departure.

I made plans to move across the country, packed, bought a train ticket, we spoke about how to divide our belongings. I was to leave and have the boys come a month later, after school ended. That would give me a chance to set up a new home for us.

Before I left, he broke down and decided he didn't want me to leave.

Eight months later, we are still getting over the hurt, but we are together rebuilding our relationship - on stronger ground this time.

Maybe it won't last, but if we do end up separating at least I will be on stronger ground mentally.

Maybe it was sort of like playing hard to get ??

I'm not sure.

LK

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I've read what I should do with my 37 year old hunsband's mid life crises, 
but what do I do?  I'm told I should be understanding, giving and caring. 
Most of all, patient.  But what do I do with this anger I have at him for 
putting me through this?  I want to be what he needs, what he wants.  I'm not 
a saint.

I don't want to be selfish.  I want to do the right thing, I just don't know 
how.

Paige

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Your advice to Carol is sound ... and basically like everyone else's. 
Nondescript.  She and I have husbands who say they love us, but can't live 
with us.  My husband of 18 years (at the age of 37) is here with us now more 
than he was before he left.  He even trying very hard to the kind and 
considerate person I married.  But I feel he is using me as a crutch.  How do 
I handle the mixed signals?  Let him go or let him come and go as he pleases? 
 What will help him, showing that I want and need him or showing him that I 
am independent and can do just fine on my own?

Paige

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Hi,  My name is Bob and I wrote the entry of October 16, 1998 about the affair with my wife's best friend.  It is now almost a year & a half later and the same feelings are still with me.  I have had periods of release and have concentrated on my marriage and activities that interest me but they consistently come flooding back again.  I've tried to take your advice about 
prayer but the answers I seem to receive are inconclusive.  I still have a solid friendship with my wife.  The research I've done on building a good marriage would describe ours as being a "companionate" relationship.  I chose, because of this and despite my feelings for the other woman, to try and rebuild our marriage.  Also because I believed it was what God expected 
of me and it was the right thing.  But even after all this time I have needs that aren't being met.  Although our friendhship is healthy our sex life is emotionally painful. 

If this was God's will why does it still hurt so much?  I've done all the right things and I'm still screwed up inside.  When will it end and let me begin experiencing some peace and serenity?  Should I throw away 25 years of friendship and partnership with this woman I dearly respect and care for just because I don't feel romantically and physically attracted to her?  Am I living a lie based on a decision I made when I was 18 yrs old?  As Christians are we expected to stoically deny our own needs and feelings in order to maintain balance and serenity in other peoples (our mates) lives?  My wife knows I'm in emotional pain but is very content herself.  This adds even more to my frustration.  She is the epitomy of the commitment and loving patience descibed by many other women who have written letters to your column about their husbands going through mlc.  She will hang on with all the strength she has to the hope that things will somehow return to normal. 

How can anyone turn their back on that and walk away?  But why hasn't that been enough?  All I want is some peace of mind and to stop thinking about the person and life I sacrificed in order to be where I am today.  Any input from others would greatly be appreciated.  Perhaps you could post this in your general forum area that seems to get more exposure.  Thanks for your help and for providing this site.  Reading others' posts makes me realize that I am not alone in this.

Bob

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February 13, 2000

I found your website while looking for "Men's Midlife Crisis.  So many of the stories sound just like mine.  I realize that I am not alone in this situation!  My husband after 36 yrs. of marriage said he wanted out!  This happened after I caught him e-mailing a woman, who is in our town, Dec. 14th 1999.  It was a real shock
to me and our whole family!  I am a Christian, he is not, so I called my Pastor and a friend that morning. The first thing the Pastor said was, "Are you going through a mid-life crisis?"  He said no!!  But I know that he is.  Right now we are going through a hugh bankruptcy with our business.  The financial stress started about 18 months ago.  And my husband said that he had these feelings about l yr. ago!  We have been separated since that day -- except -- Christmas night I had a small stroke and was rushed to the hospital. I have been dealing with these for over a yr!
He spent the night to take care of me.  Then New Year's Eve he spent the night, in our bed, but no sex! He wanted to protect me he said.  But this morning he came down with the filings for the divorce!  He said I was going to have these served on you Dec. 29th!  That would have given me a heart-attack.  He says he loves me and cares about me and misses me, but he just isn't in love with me anymore!  I just don't understand any of this.  I asked him point blank, if this person you were e-mailing to, if you are in love with her, or you going to start dating her, are you going to get married to her?  He looked me in the eyes and said no!  I pray and pray night and day that he will come to his senses.  He said we have 90 days to
change our minds.  I asked him but do you think there is hope in our marriage?  He said, I just don't want to be married anymore!
Lana

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LM, It sounds like you are in Mid-life crisis. There is a book by Jim Conway called "men in mid-life crisis". Good book! and that book should help you understand what you are going through,also there is a book by his wife Sally Conway called your husbands mid life crisis, You have to visit there web site to order their books, I think just Sallys. That would be a good book for your wife and it would help her understand what your going through. My husband is going throught it now ,but he is doing much better, but we have a ways to go. good luck
AN

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i am 41, he is 50. married 21 yrs. 3 children, 15, 19 and a son who passed away 2 yrs ago who would have been 17. i think it started then. 6 months after jr died, he told me i killed him and that jr didn't love me. i blamed it on grief. jr died in a car accident while our daughter was driving and all three kids were in the car. it was his time...let's let that go. i have closure with God on that! i wasn't there during the accident. a month ago, my husband told me he didn't love me anymore and that he was leaving me in 2 yrs and 7 months when chris turns 18. i have begged him. bargained...promised to change, etc. the classic response. i have told him i love him, worship him etc. i have an appt for him to get a physical this monday because he quit eating and throws up when he eats. he says his stomach hurts all the time. he says that he is not having an affair. but he was calling a female friend on his cell phone all the time at work. he got mad when i confronted him. he said he would leave now. he says i smother him. that he wants to find some happiness. i have quit smothering him. the friend is coming to dinner monday as a fix up for his brother! she is a good person and an old friend of mine too. he isn't having an affair. 
he is mad because i put the kids first! he was raised in an orpahnage so he doesn't know kids come first. he is mad that he didn't stay around for his older kids from a previous marriage. he says i only am a good wife now because he is leaving. he says he doesn't want to love. that he won't fall in love with me again. he knows i am suicidal. he knows i am trying so hard! i am going back to college this summer to finish my degree so if he leaves i will have a way to support myself. he is willing to pay for this. i am going to a psychriatrist (sp) this week and if he says that
my dh is showing signs of mlc, i asked if he would go see him. he said maybe! and i told him  that if he isn't then i would have the help to let him go. i am dying here! i never ever imagined life without my husband. i told him i would rather be a widow than to have him leave. that spooked him a bit but i assured him i would never harm him. help me please!
jodi

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Thank you very much for this forum.  It has helped save my sanity and hopefully, my marriage.  My husband wanted out of our marriage after 30 years (plus 3 of dating).  Two days after saying this, he was in the middle of an affair.  A waitress he had known said he looked troubled and if he ever wanted to talk...it appears, the middle of the night was the time to talk.  Now, 7 months later, we are living separately and trying to get our marriage back.  He is classic MLC and I am classic spouse of MLC.  (I capitalize because it deserves to be with all the havoc it causes.)  I went through everything others have
described -- shock, devastation, embarrassment, hurt, anger, despair, etc.  I have made it to the content, supportive and patient stage with just a few relapses.  He and our marriage are worth saving.  He still as a lot to work out.  Along with growing older, he now also has guilt.  The problem I see with this forum is it's mostly people in the midst of it.  I wish more
survivors would give their input.  I hate to think I have years yet to go.  He said he had wanted out for 2 years so we're almost up to 3 years now.  There are signs of the crisis, ARE THERE SIGNS OF RECOVERY?  All of a sudden he is concerned about me, so I'm hopeful!  Proverbs 5 seems to be Solomon warning about midlife crisis so this is an old,
old problem.  verse 18 is interesting:  "May you rejoice in the wife of your youth."  I am taking this to mean that even though the MLC spouse can't feel or is blocking his/her love for his/her spouse, there can be a joy for him/her in the love us spouses feel for them.  So hang in there everyone and I am eternally grateful for everyone's input and I feel for everyone's grief.
MA

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To Bob:
Hi 
I am a wife, like yours, my husband has been going through his MLC, for almost 4 years now. I know when he can to this country he had a affair, I even knoe that he had come home to tell the kids and I we were done. but he didn't. I am also very patient and thank God for this web site, as I thought I was going nuts, as he was blaming me for all our problems. I have begun to see a light at the end of the tunnel with my love.It is a very hard thing to do  and your wife is very strong, as you men seem to think we don't understand, but we do, and we are their to help you, that is why in our vows, it says for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health, till death due us part.Woman go through thingd all the time, and we try to express them ,but you as men don't want to hear, and you don't want to share your
feelings. We live in a very difficult time, as some people think the grass is greener on the other side, but really it isn't. I pray everyday at church my husband will get through thid, and I think he realizes I am not letting go. I think when you gentleman go through this phase in your live, you are like a magnet and you attract the wrong people around you, and though they are not good for you, you feel they are and find fault with your wives. first you must forgive yourself  for that silly mistake you made, as it was a mistake. god brought you and your wife to-gether for a reason, and is keeping you to-gether. It sounds like she has forgiven you, as remember we are only human and we are not without mistakes. I see changes in my husband but they are very very slow, how I long for him to cuddle me or kiss me, but I know I
must be patient. Try praying to God and ask for signs and he will give them, they may be very small and seem like nothing, but who they are meant for will see them. Try and spent a little time with yout wife, by yourselves, amybe hold her hand,that means so much. They have always said men need passion in their lives, but it is really woman that do.  Iwill remember you in my prayers,as the family unit is the most important unit in the world, and you have a very special lady there waiting patiently for you.
C.

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February 22, 2000

Dear LRG....

I have read your story and I am currently going thru the same thing...The love for my husband is not there anymore. he's a great person but i have no feelings toward him anymore. I told him i wanted to split up and of course he went crazy on me, begging me to stay with him to give him another chance. We have been married for 1 2 years and have an 1 1 yr old daughter together. I feel so bad so guilty for hurting him. 

He knows that we have trouble communicating and there is a lost of trust. I never cheated on him. I spend time on my computer checking sites and also in chat rooms and maybe this was a mistake i don't know cause i have drastically fallen in love with someone on the internet. I never thought this would happen, but it did. This person feels the same toward me. I know that u might be thinking that this person might be a looney but, in my heart he is not. We have spoken on the home many times and i feel so strongly for him.....I need help I need advice....Anyone out there can help me????? 

Confused in MA

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February 27, 2000

Dear AMP,
Just a word of advice.  My husband took a job out of town, I stayed behind while the house sold and near my family.  Six months later, he returned here, deciding the job wasn't what he wanted.  Meanwhile, the house had sold and I was and still am living in an apartment with our two children.  When he came back is when he told me he needed his 'space'.  He is living in an apartment with no future plans to reunite.  He visits the children frequently but we have no relationship other than being parents because that is the way he wants it.  I am desperately hurting and the pain never ends.  We have purchased another home in our same town but he will not commit to living in the house with us.  I wake up every day and wonder will this be the day when life gets better?

OT

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My husband of 16 years turned 40 last April. In August of '99 he went on a Mission trip to Russia. He called me
when from an airport when he got back to the states and said that the trip had changed him for the better. A couple of days after coming home he went to the store and came back with a new wardrobe. He changed his look some. He pierced his ear. He became distant. I asked him if he had met someone in Russia and he admitted that he had. He spoke to one of our pastors and agreed to not have anything to do with this girl. Two weeks ago I again asked him if he was interested in someone else and he admitted that he had been e mailing this young (21 year old) girl and in fact while he had been on a business trip to Europe he went to Russia for 3 days and stayed in a hotel with her.

Over the years I had been tempted to leave my husband because our physical relationship was terrible. Each time he begged me to stay and I did. I love him and I am committed to our relationship. My husband says our physical relationship is bad because I started walking with the Lord and he felt that sex was not right with me anymore. We have started to go to counseling. Some days I am hopeful and others I am hopeless. I have been mutilating myself because in some sad, sick way it helps me to deal with the pain he is causing.

Some days I love him, some I hate him, some I feel sorry for him. This whole thing is so confusing to me. We have two sons and they are feeling hurt and confused as well. Has anyone else been through this and had a happy ending?
DL

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I'm new at this.  My husband told me Christmas night 1999 that he wanted out.  I knew he had suffered depression since a heart attack a year and a half earlier, but had no idea he had been using the whole time to get strong enough to leave me.  He's left and come back twice, left again tonight saying there is next to no hope for us.  He is a religious man who has been a rock, a pillar and my idol.  Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage.  I found this site just tonight and my blood turns cold with the dispair.  Are there any success stories?  I could be reading my husband's case over and over:  he fell out of love (suddenly), he loves me, I misunderstood what he meant when he said he was leaving, he doesn't believe in divorce, but God has work for him to do without me.  I am afraid and lonely.  I love him with all my heart, but am getting tired of being hurt and blamed so much.  Please, please help me!  Bev,

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February 29, 2000

I'M GENA.  MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS SINCE HE WAS 39. HE HAS CONSTANTLY BEEN DEPRESSED, SITS AROUND AS  THOUGH HAS IS UNHAPPY.  CONSTANTLY BICKERS OVER SMALL THINGS; LIKE EVERYTHING SHOULD BE PERFECT.  CONSTANTLY 
WANTS TO DO SEPARATE THINGS--LIKE HE HASN'T -TRAVELING ALONE (TRYING TO IDENTIFY WITH THE COWORKERS ON HIS JOB) AND THIS CAUSES A BIG CONFUSION BECAUSE I LET HIM KNOW THAT HE IS ONLY TRYING TO GET ACCEPTED OR BE LIKE THEM.  HE CONSTANTLY SAYS I  HAVE TOOKEN EVERYTHING FROM HIM AND THAT IS NOT SO.  THIS IS REALLY GETTING TO BE UNBEARABLE.  HE HAS FOUR CHILDREN AND A WIFE AND WAS BORN AND RAISED IN THE CHURCH AND NOW THAT HE IS WORKING ON A SHIFT RELATED JOB  HE DOESN'T GO OR CAN'T GO.  I AM UP TO MY WIT'SEND AND I FEEL LIKE TAKING THE KIDS AND LEAVING HIM.  HE CONSTANTLY SLEEPS AND BLAME IT 
ON THE JOB.  WE HAVE RELATIONS BUT SOMETIMES IT JUST ISN'T ENOUGH.  HE THINKS THAT I SHOULDN'T BE WORRIED ABOUT HIM ONLY THE BILLS AND CHILDREN AND OTHER THINGS.  HE SAYS HE ISN'T HAVING AN AFFAIR-BUT IF I MENTION IT, HE WILL (STOP 
TRYING TO ACCUSE HIM).I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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On New Year's day my wife of 15 years told me that she was no longer attracted to me and wanted a divorce. 18 days later she left for work and never came home, abandoning me and our 3 kids. At first I was shocked and hurt but then realized that I could use this time to build a closer relationship with my kids. It's been 6 weeks and I'm no longer lonely or hurting. Tomorrow I file for divorce. Stop defining yourselves in terms of your relationship with your spouse and use this time to learn and grow.
You cannot control what your selfish spouse does but you can control how you channel your frustration and anger.  Stop projecting need and helplessness and instead replace them with purpose and self confidence. Understand that this was not your fault. Your new found confidence and strength with allow you to love yourself and make you attractive to others. Everyone loves a fighter. You have your home, your kids and your life is unchanged except for the absence of a completely self-centered and destructive person. Your selfish spouse wants you to put your life on hold while he/she makes up his/her mind about the future of your family. 

DON"T LET IT HAPPEN.

Redirect your own destiny and become your own person again. Remember, you had a life before this person came into it. Take it back. Don't be afraid of the future because whether you like it or not, the future is where you will spend the rest of your life.

 When life hands you lemons.........

Lemonade never tasted sweeter.

Mike K

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I just found your site today, and I don't know if I feel better or worse.  It helps to know others are out there, and it hurts to know that my husband is going through a mid-life crisis (he denies is emphatically).  I didn't know if he was for sure, because I don't know all the signs.  But he is behaving just like everyone else's husband who is going through a crisis.  He is distant.  He says he is just not "happy", and he doesn't know why.  He wants to be alone. 

He is moving out tomorrow, after 2 months of "thinking" what he should do.  He is determined.  He does not look at me when he talks to me.  He says he loves me, but does not know what kind of love it is.  He says he is not happy with the way our relationship has been going.  I know that I have my faults, but the last 2 years he has changed.  He has a part-time job as a sports official, and the past 2 years he has immersed himself in every aspect of that that he could.  I see now that he was running away.  From what, I do not know.  And now he is running away from me.  It hurts.  It just plain hurts.  I don't know what to do, and I can see from what everyone writes that there is not much that can be done.  As a spouse, I realize what he is going through, but that does not change the fact that I have a right to have a life that is pleasing to me, too. 

Two months ago he told me he was not happy and needed some "space."  I have offered to go to counseling with him, to do literally anything to try to rebuild our marriage and make it everything we want.  He doesn't know what he wants, so I get no response.  This is awful.  I feel like he is wrecking the best part of our marriage - this should be a happy, easy time.  The kids are almost out of the house, money is not such a problem anymore.  We should just be able to enjoy our life and enjoy each other.  Then this happens.  I feel so cheated.  Cheated out of everything I have worked our entire marriage for.  Now I know that he has already been experiencing these feelings for two years, and that hurts too.  I idly by and wait and watch and hope.  And I don't know how long I am going to be able to hang on.  I hope I can endure this in case he is ready to rebuild our marriage soon.

SKM

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March 4, 2000

Well, not only do I feel like a minority here due to being a male poster, but also because I appear to be starting my MLC at an earlier age than most I've read about at this site.  I just turned 30 and I'm currently going through what I think to be MLC.  Not being an expert on the subject, I don't know.  What is MLC exactly anyway?  If it means being depressed and in a state of dispair, then I seem to be going through it. A week ago I was happy and content with life (wife, home, job, etc.) then all of a sudden my emotional world turned upside down.  Before this, I loved my wife dearly (to the point of overprotection), then all of a sudden I'm angry, disatisfied, and have an "emotional cloud" hanging over me in regards to her.  What is going on?! Is MLC male menopause?(sorry, no disrespect intended towards the ladies) Sure, my wife has put on a few pounds during our 7 year marriage, but am I really that shallow a person to be disatisfied and in despair over a few pounds on the waistline?!  Arrrgh!  Help!  I love my wife, she's my life, she's the best friend I've ever had, but the way I'm feeling now it's like there's a void in my heart all of a sudden.  Where did this come from? It's not her fault and she's been as understanding as one can be, but this is driving me crazy.  It's ruining my life.  I look at it as some sort of mental/emotional cancer that has taken over my heart and mind and I want it out NOW!  I want my old life back!  Forgive me if I sound like I'm rambling, but I've got a lot of pent up frustration that needs letting out. I'd love to hear from you other guys that are going through the same thing.  How is your MLC manifesting itself?  Have their been any real studies on MLC?  Is there a chemical/hormonal basis for it?  I'm looking for something to grasp onto.  I'd hate to think I'm truly unhappy with my life.  My wife deserves better than that. 

NBG

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March 7, 2000

To Broken and Waiting

I am now going through the same thing and I need help very fast.  I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I need to talk to someone.

Dani

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ah the devestation of disapointment, do we all expect the happily ever after story to be true to the end that we are married and so expect no more changes? I am a fourty year old man and have now a life better then i dreamed with a home better then i grew up in a wife whod a thought and kids love em but still life turns its stress upon us of time. yes turning fourty is tough for guys who wanted to be presedent or captain of the team or barishnacov for gods sake and relize their wife is upset and going on about how they havent done the laundry folding in awhile as you are reading the paper,heaven forbid. i love my life and hate it but where else is there to go. more importantly what is it about these restrictions? that will show me what i can do in life still? I look upon this all as a struggle of the heart and of the loss of desire to conquer or achieve for man. we wish to win the golden fleece but stand with what now looks like the world we hoped we never be standing in, domestic trials and tribulations. no longer are the victories of our day celebrated no longer are the virtues of our lover swooned over no longer are the passions carrying us away in possibilities. the heart of a man seeks to win, seeks to develope, seeks like jack in the bean stock story
to take his worthless beans (seed) and find the riches of life as long as he still can defeat the giant. Perhaps gentleman and ladies what we are after to defeat in our mlc is the giant that wishes to take away the mans sense of self worth his ability to win his desire to be a sexual conquerer or lover and the giant that wishes to take away jacks life. just the old fear of death that forces us boys to wip out and buy the fastest car we can find to out race life or the youngest girl that will at least carry on our genes or at least help us get it up or the fear that makes us say is that alll there is my friends then lets keep dancing and to hell with the laundry.    i should also say that i am the youngest of four guys in a family and a former entertainer and clown (ahh yes thats it)so i look at all this with dread of repeating my brothers mistakes or experiences and with a foolish laugh of my heart at my egos attempt for eternal life.

SK

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hi
my wife of 26 years of marrage has left me for the second time in the last 2 months,for some other man that she was working nightshift with,the first time she left she was gone for 12 days when she returned she told me it was over she even quit her high paying job to get away from this other man we had our phone changed and unlisted,only to find out after about 2 weeks that she was seeing him again,he was in the process of getting a divorce,and now she says that she wants one and doesnt love me
anymore I have been so hurt and she trys to say that its all my fault,nobody that knows us both can believe whats going on she has moved in and taken all of her belongings,I agreed to seperate and give her the time even though she is adiment about getting a divorce I told her that I would agree after a month or so of her out with him on thier own We renewed our wedding vows last year on our 25th anniversary I just cant believe that she thinks our love is gone I told her the door is open ,but how much can one person do,she said thier affair started in october of last year but nothing serious untill dec ,what am I supposed to do I feel I am going crazy,I love this woman with all of my heart and soul ,all of her family had told her she was making a big mistake but she doeant want to hear any negitives from anyone no logic whatsoever I no Love is blind but I also Do not want to see her hurt ,she would not go to seek help with me or without me.

GT

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my husband (44yrs old) and I have been maarried 24 1/2 years. The week before last Christmas, he decided to dump on me that he no longer has feelings for me and doesn't know why.  We have been seperatied for2 months now and it has onlyl gotton worse.  He decided to go to a attorney to file a divorce.   This is coming from a manwho has always been kind,  compansionate loving and caring....He has now turned in to solid ice when it comes to me...He says he's ready to move on and I am in his way....Ive shed more tears than the Pacific could  hold.  HE will not go to counseling as he says things will not change.  He doesn't want to work on it.....just get rid of me.  I feel for you and have no advice to offer as I am still in limbo with no place to go.

JS

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To NBG:

There are other males out there that are going through this, but hardly any of them will admit that it is a MLC.  I applaud you for seeking companionship through writing.

Sometimes it is easier knowing that someone else is going through this. I think that if you explain how you feel to your wife, and let her read the stuff on this website, she will be ready to take on what ever it is your are about to go through.

Lots of husbands just go, leaving us behind to pick up the pieces of ourselves, by ourselves.

Keep searching for you, I bet you need only look behind you.

LO

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March 10, 2000

So many of the entries on this page sound similar. Recently, while speaking with someone who has been through
this I was asked if my husband had any interest in pornography. I was sure that he hadn't. I had never seen any magazines or books. There had been no overt observeable behaviour. Then I began to wonder. He had said things like I didn't know how bad he was. Well, I knew about the affair; of course I got the line about not being attracted to me. So what did I not know.
I searched our hard disc to see if there was anything on there and surprise, surprise he left a little trail. I had been told that my husband had displayed 3 of the 4 most common symptoms, only the pornography was missing. I didn't find much on our home computer (but enough). I imagine his work computer and his lap top have plenty on them. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone else had heard this or had seen it in their own situation. 

Shocked but no longer surprised.

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Dear Mike K -

Your message appeared in the forum just before mine, and I read it the day after I had sent my message.  What beautiful words of insight.  I want you to know how your letter helped me, and continues to help me, through this difficult time.  Your words 'DON'T LET IT HAPPEN' go through my head whenever I begin to feel depressed about my situation and it starts to overwhelm and control me.  The words themselves are so uplifiting.  We all control our own destinies - don't let someone else destroy yours!  I am moving forward.  I am learning a lot about myself.  I am learning that I was so wrapped up in everyone else (my husband, my kids and their needs), that I lost myself in there somewhere and stopped being a person.  I am seeking to find that person again, and to learn to enjoy life again.  If at some point that means that my husband and I will begin a NEW relationship (because I know I don't want that old one back!), then that would be wonderful.  And if that doesn't happen, then that must mean that there are better things ahead for me.  My husband said many things before he left, and most of them are true statements about life in general.  One was "Life is too short" - and he's right, life is too short.  Too short to waste time pining for something you may not be able to have and sacrificing what you could have.  Another one was "Every day I spend here with you is a day of my life that is gone that I can't take back."  And that's true.  But I don't think he realized that that saying was true for him and for ME.  I don't want our old life back - and I'm letting go of it.  There has to be something better than the void we were living in.  If it means we end up together again, then fine.  Provided that it means that we have a NEW relationship, not the old one - the old one simply isn't good enough for ME anymore! 

SKM

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To start out,I'm a 42 year old male. For about the past two years I've been in a power struggle with my emotions. Today I decided to make a complete jerk out of myself.My wife of 10 years is one of the most honest and devoted people you would ever want to meet. She has stood beside me through thick and thin.She really has a good time chating with people on the net. *most are men * and are not a problem. Untile today,my emotions took over and almost cost me my marriage. I started yelling at her and found my self almost acussing her of having an affair.This MLC stuff is not a fun way to go. I'm at a loss of what to do, I love her with all my heart and can't keep doing this to her.what can I do to get through this. Is there something out there to help, I'm not an emotional person by nature, but this is tearing me up inside. I love my wife and don't want this MLC to get in the way.

Thank you

HR

Special Notice: I'm going to be away for about 9 days (spring break--Yea!), but the bad news is I won't be around a computer and thus able to post your messages.  So send things to post if you want; just remember, they won't go up until about March 20. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Mike

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March 19, 2000

Hi Mike,
I read some of the letters from the website, and I have to tell you that I know my husband is going through mlc.  I am 33, and he is 44.  Last year it started and has only gotten worse.  We where married 6 months ago, and that really put the icing on the cake. He has been angry, and distant, and says he is not happy. He says he loves me with all his heart, but He became someone I have never seen before.  I'm in the prime of my life, a newlywed, and we don't make love and fight, and all I can do is cry.  I want my husband back.  Its not fair that this is happening 6 months into our marriage.  Please give me some words of
encouragement if nothing eles.  I love him, and he loves me.  We just want to grow old together.  And what ever this is , is destroying us both.

Thank you 
TS

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My husband is going through what I believe is his midlife crisis.  I do not know him anymore and this goes the same for his family. Help!!

Tina

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Dear Everyone,
First off, those who are haveing marital problems, I pray for you now. For those of you who have some hope or wish for it, do this.   Call 800 470-2230  it is a wonderful and very functional weekend program that will save your marriage.  It did mine.  The name is Retrouvaille  its French obviously, but it means, renue.  Pronounced Retro-vi. like Vi  olin. Just trust.  Try it.  The weekends are hard to sign up for sometimes, so don't give up or think it is a sign.

I'm 46 about to be 47 next month and I was looking up MLC for the heck of it cause I have been feeling a bit stuck in my life too.  I have a great wife, no thoughts or wishes for anything other than happiness with my family.  I have a 5 yr. old daughter who is the light of my life.  We even want to have another soon.  But I want someplace where other gentlemen are open and putting themselves on the line.

I own my own business, and work has been slow over the past 6 months. My wife quit her job cause of a conflict with a co-worker who is a wench.   I supported her in quitting.  However, she is enjoying spending lots of time with my daughter and is taking her time in looking for a new job.   She is expecting me to carry the whole nut, which I have been, thanks to savings, but it is real tough now with work so slow, so I am questioning my worth a bit.   I'm sure it will go away when work picks up, but it is tough right now. She also has real bad PMS and it makes it worse every 2 out of 4 weeks to deal with, plus a little one who wants and needs the attention.

So I'm not so bad here, that is why I started off with trying to help. So good luck everyone, Pray a lot.   Don't give up and share your true feelings with each other.  It is tougher than it sounds, but you all deserve it.

God Bless.

MH

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Hello. I am a 43 year old man and I think I'm going through this "midlife" crisis. I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I often break out into tears for some strange reason. And I do not CRY IN PUBLIC. I feel that my sweetheart of 4 months don't care for me at all anymore, but she says I'm wrong. Then she keeps telling me.."something is wrong with you".   all of a sudden, I am
very sensitive to some things. I cannot explain this feeling, but this is no joke. I believe mine is also tied to depression as well. I wanna know, do men go see a shrink when this happens or do they just let it "run it's course".  Do I get professional help or what.
"wanna get off this rollercoaster"
goin nuts

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Hi,  I don't know which story is yours. Are you broken hearted and waiting?  Did your husband leave you due to MLC?  I am having a big problem in my life, but I don't know which story is yours.

DW

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March 23, 2000

Hi there, found your web site and it was helpful for me to read other people's stories.  I have been through a living hell lately.  My husband had an affair with a woman he works with, and the pain is aweful, something that I would not wish on anyone.  We are a modern day "Brady Bunch", he has two children from a former marriage and I have one.  My son loves him so
much and my husband is the only daddy that he has ever known.  And I love his two kids and have spent more time with them than their real mother. My husband ended his affair but he thinks it is okay to remain friends with this woman!  I think it is not, I am over come with hatred and malice towards her and I hate feeling this way.  Why does he think it is okay to be friends with her?  any thoughts?  thank you....Distraught in Colorado

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My husband, age 40, is going through midlife crisis...or depression, or invasion of the body snatchers.  It doesn't matter what you call it - he's not himself.

He moved out over a year ago and I'm waiting for him to figure out what he wants.  It's incredibly frustrating and painful.

Before he moved out, he took antidepressant medication for a few weeks, and actually started smiling again and stopped picking fights over trivial matters and stopped being such a workaholic (which I think he does to escape the vague dissatisfaction that I call his depression - but he resists that term).  But, the sexual side effects and drowsiness bothered him, so he briefly switched to another antidepressant but when the side effects didn't disappear right away, he gave up on medication.

I found a wonderful book by Dr. Frank Pittman called Grow Up - How Taking Responsibility Can Make You a Happy Adult.  He says "Those who don't develop happiness within themselves but demand it from outside clearly don't know how to bring it about and are likely to be angry about it."

To those feeling the urge to divorce, he offers several pieces of advice, including:  "Take Prozac.  It has fewer side effects than divorce, it works more quickly, and it is more reliable in relieving unhappiness."  Also, "Treat you, not your mate, as the problem." 

So far, my husband still sees me as the problem, even though I've worked on fixing the things he complained about (I gained weight - all of which I've now lost; I didn't keep the magazine stack perpendicular to the coffee table edges - I do now; etc.).  When I see him, which isn't often, he rarely smiles.  He works seven days a week and talks a lot about his work, but that 
doesn't make him smile either.

I wish he could stop looking for external things to make him happy, and get about the business of making himself happy.  Whether he takes Prozac or just gets into therapy for depression or starts meditating I don't care - I just hope he can find happiness and inner peace, and then find his way back to me.

-TRYING TO BE PATIENT

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I am a 56 year old career woman and have been married 32 years. Kid are gone,and I am in an identity crisis. I don't seem to have any idea who I am or what iI did for fun at some point in my life. I am in major blahs. Is this some kind of identity crisis.  I am really floundering. All I want to do when I am not at work is close the drapes and watch TV. Sometimes I don't even answer my phone. It doesn't really even make me all that happy when my kids come. I seem to just want them to leave.

Gloria

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Dear Mike,  I have written to you on occasion and just want to update you on my wife's' midlife crisis.  Since August 1998 she has been on a roller coaster of emotions.  From loving and making her the happiest woman in the world to loving me like a brother to "loving me to but not being in love with me."  She continues to vacillate between her gay peer at work and her
interest in Reincarnation telling her that there is someone else out there for her.  "I am meant to move on" she says.  Our oldest child who is 13, is now aware of her mothers' lack of love for Daddy and she was absolutely devastated by her mothers' remarks.  I believe my wife is in fact in midlife crisis with perimenopause . When I question my wife and try to be supportive I receive a cold, cold reception.  I do not know this woman .  She is not the woman I married 17 years ago.  As I have said in the past, I have now completed a further session of counselling and have read everything and anything I can get my hands on Midlife crisis and perimenopause.  What I do know is that it is not about me or our children despite my wife say "I have sucked her dry or our children have." There appears to be a multitude of unresolved issues on my wife's' part with regards to unaccomplished dreams, "wishing she had married money", fear of getting older and now the illness of a parent."  I am at a
loss for words but I do know that I love her but sadly I feel she is prepared to leave to search out  for that new "soul mate" to start a fresh life without the worries of her existing life.  Unaccomplished dreams, unconditional love and never a worry- that is nirvana for some who are in Midlife crisis.  I love to here from those whose wives are going through this to see what they did to deal with this

KJM/Ont/Can

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I NEED HELP...I am a young 44 year old female, non-traditional college student, married w/3 grown children and an 8 year old at home. I have not gotten my emotional needs met or my sexual desires fulfilled by my husband for the 14 years we have been together (3 yrs. dating & 11 yrs. married). He is a great guy...just not able to satisfy me. We have tried everything to change these problems in our marriage, but nothing has worked. 

Because I felt so lonely in my marriage, and a friend of mine was always talking about these guys she met online, I asked my husband if he would mind if I chatted with other men online. He said he didnít care (he has always allowed me to be my own person and has always trusted me). So one night about two-and-a-half months ago, I was checking out some chat rooms (curious to see what they were all about) and immediately someone asked me to chat in a private room, so I agreed. 

This young man is only 20, but we instantly connected on a level I have never connected with anyone before, in our hearts...that is the only way I can explain it. We spoke to each other on the phone several times. I fell instantly in love with him, and I thought he felt the same way. Because my husband knows me well, he could tell and confronted me. I am an honest person, so I couldnít lie to him, I told him what had happened and what I was feeling. Once I told my young love that I told my husband, he felt he didn't want to be the cause of breaking up a family, but wanted to remain my friend. This was difficult, but I agreed. 

An entire month passed and I didn't hear from him at all. This was his way of distancing himself from me. During this time, because of the way he just shut me out, I became literally obsessed with getting in touch with him. I finally found his phone number and called him. By this time, my doctor, my husband, and I thought it would be best for me to meet him in order to kill the fantasy I had created in my mind (I can honestly say, Iím not sure if I really believed at this time it was a fantasy, my feelings felt very real).  When I met him in person, it didn't turn out the way we had all expected. My young love and I were immediately attracted to each other. I realize he is at his sexual peek and I am sexually frustrated, but I don't believe it was just lust that we had between us. He is also a moral person--which makes this whole situation very confusing for him. I believe part of him loves me and wants to be with me and part of him doesn't want to break my family apart. I am sure that the big age difference also is an issue for us both. I too am very confused, we never had the opportunity to sleep together. There is much
more to all of this, but is too much to write here. 

A week past after our meeting f2f and again I didn't hear from him. So I called him again, because I just had to talk with him and find out where he was coming from. He told me it wouldn't work and he just wanted to be friends. I was devastated, because I thought when we met, it seemed mutual that we did love each other. I couldnít let go. After another week without speaking to him, I just had to call him again, to talk with him about it. At that time, I told him I was going away for a couple of days to get my thoughts together and he informed me he wanted to come. So I made reservations, even though he hadn't gotten back to me to finalize our plans. I called him the day I was leaving but his mother kept giving me excuses why he couldn't come to the phone. When I went to pick him up (2-1/2 hours away, his mother wouldn't let me speak to him or see him. I sat outside of his house for a while, thinking (not stalking) about what I should do. During this time, my young love called my husband to apologize for all that had happened between him and I. My husband already knew everything, because I told him the truth all along, except that my young love was coming away with me. 

I left his house to find a bathroom, and while I was gone, I called my husband on my cell phone. That is when he informed me that my young love had called him while I was sitting outside of his house. I became very upset at this time and found myself lost in another state, very late at night crying hysterically.  I had to ask my husband to come get me, because I was too upset to drive. Now I am very depressed and do not want to let go, not in this way. He told my husband he wouldn't get in touch with me ever again. I feel so foolish in a way, yet I know I loved him. I can't understand why he just couldn't tell me it was over a month and a half ago. It would have saved me a lot of time, pain and grief. I am wondering if I will ever get over him? I still want him and I can't accept he doesn't want me, because I didn't hear it directly from him. I heard it from his mother and my husband only.

My husband has been wonderful to me during this whole thing, understanding and supportive of my pain (he is a very intelligent guy who has done research on Cyber Affairs and understands how these things can happen). I had never cheated on my husband in any way before this, so the threat of me being in love with someone else has actually enabled him to now express his feelings to me. I just don't feel as if I have anything left to give to him after wanting that exact thing from him for so many years
and not getting it. I feel like I am dying inside and have even thought about not wanting to be here anymore (I have never had these thoughts before now, no matter how difficult my life has been in the past).  Am I sick?  Do you have any suggestions to help me? 

Sincerely...'Can't Let Go'

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Hey friends,

Midlife Crisis isn't a Crisis here in Switzerland. It's a Rock & Blues Band against all Crisis ...

Many greetings

http://members.xoom.com/MCrisis

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March 29, 2000

I believe my husband is going through a midlife crisis as well.  He left quite a prestigious job the first of January with my support and reassurance.  I had assumed that the problems with his bad temper and agitation was due to his hating his job.  I found out the third week of January that he had had an affair between Thanksgiving through Christmas. At first he denied it, but later admitted to it.  I told him to quite simply "get out."  For about a week all I did was read about affair/infedility etc.etc.A christian book said the worst thing to do was to separate.  That your marriage should be top priority and counseling would be a must.  After long prayer and many tribulations, I decided to tell him that if God could forgive him, I could as well.  I suggested counseling and for him to move back home.  To make a very long and sad story, he said, "no."  A few weeks went by and by the middle of February he had acquired an apartment, new bedroom furniture, tv, etc. etc.  One night I got a call from his new work place, asking if he had gotten home all right.  They than asked me if I was his girlfriend, Emily.  He had assured me he had ended it with her and his
reasoning of the guy calling me was because he had taken her to a company picnic the Sunday before!!  Quite frankly, it has been the worse experience of my life, and this includes my mom's death a year ago. I have filed for divorce as I just do not have the stamina to wait 3-5 years or forever until he comes out of this "mlc."  He has also depleted his new "own" checking account as well as his savings.  $8,000 in less than six weeks.  I know the Lord can change calamities into blessings.  So please pray for me and him as well.  Even now, I do not wish him ill well, but I do plan to maintain my dignity.

JB

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I have read just about all the site and I am hoping to get any help. I just did not every know a person could endure so much pain,agony,depression,it is just so painful. My husband and I are 46, married 21 yrs. We had been growing distant probably the last two years. we just did nothing about it. (oh the regret I have) He does not believe he is going through a mid life crisis but......he has changed so drasticly.His is so self centered. Cares about none but him. He says he loves me but is not in love anymore. What is that, seems a lot of the husbands say that? He was just such a family man and great supporter. He just became so critical of us (2kids11,18) nothing was good enough, his opinion did not count in the house. He was hateful all the time. It just got to the point were we did not want him around, we were all on pins and needles.

Golly there is so much more to this!!! 

I incepted a message he received from a women and it has gone downhill fast. I absolutely could not believe this and could not let it go. Still can't. That was 2yrsago and I have not been able to trust him since. I quizzed him if he was a minute late it was terrible for both of us My insecurity was boss. How could he do this? Well, he began to spend more time with his male friends and who knows who else that I just got fed up one night and put his belongings outside. well he went I did not believe he would do that to us. Well, it has been 7 months now. I have gone crazy. just in so much pain. But I did not help at all because for the last 7mths al I have done is try to find out who the other person is. Ofcourse he lies lies lies but I am obsessed with finding this out. It is terrible. This is not normal for me. I was always such a strong person. But the rejection from him is the most agonizing thing I have ever dealt with. Why do I insist on finding out who this is? Why can't I stop? I have made him get further and further away. I know it too, but yet I keep on trying to find things out. He just seems to be so happy in his apt. like he couldn't care less about us. That is painful too that he is managing to move on while he just left me to deal with his rejection and I am frozen in depression. He did finally tell me he wanted a divorce 2 weeks ago. I am in major denial about that, I cannot believe it. But I do know that somehow I have got to get off this obsession about finding out who it is. For some reason I feel like it would help me????? He has said to me that I don't seem to care about anything else but that. I do but I can't get past it. OH I do hope I here from some of you. I just know that you all are the only ones that know what this pain is like. It is so hard when people just say get over it is not that easy. thanks all

JA

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In response to Gloria, who wants to close the drapes and watch television...you did not indicate the duration of your symptoms, but I strongly encourage you to make an appointment with your general practitioner or gynecologist.  You are probably clinically depressed. The loss of interest in life and resulting isolating behavior is a strong indication of depression.  It is really quite common, NOT a sign of weekness, and NOT something that you can will yourself out of.  I must insist that you make an  appointment-CALL TODAY and tell the receptionist that you need to see your doctor to discuss depression.  Do NOT minimize this or put it off.  You can and will feel better with some help that may include medication, therapy,or both.  PLEASE just do it.
I am so glad that a friend insisted that I do it.  It is hard to make yourself do it, as a lack of motivation to do much of anything is a
classic symptom of depression.  CALL NOW!

BK

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HI everyone  i am new to this. iwas looking for info. on the subject at hand and found myself here.  As i read all of your stories  i cryed.  I am a 29yr.old mother of 3 sons. I am not yet divorced but have been seperated from my husband since Sep. of 1998. My story and lif is very complacted. ME and my husband grew up in to very different worlds.we have been together for 11 yrs.now and out of the 11yrs. weve been married for 7. Believe me we have had ALOT of ups and downs.There were alot of reasons as to why we seperated to begin with and through it all the 2 things that remained the same was our love for each other and faithfullness to each other. that was up until last june. I was and went through a thing of finding me and i ended up cheating on my husband i felt like crap and told him i wanted a divorce. I dealt with me and who i was and wanted to be and told my husband
that i wanted us to work then he tells me he met someone i lost it then a few weeks later i found letters and pictures of this other women and found out that he met her on the net w/in the time frame of our seperation and she started sending him stuff back in Jan. of last yr.   I really lost it then.In the past 6-7 months i have beeged and pleaded w/ him to work on us i have done and said anything and everything to win his love back and me getting really angey w/ him for not making up his mind on what he wants and
who he wants. I honestly don't think he his "in love" w/ this other woman-I honestly believe w/ all my heart and soul that he still "in love" w/me but he just doesn't know how to come back to me.I now know some of what he is and has been going through this past few months.I have now started on a daily basis asking him how he is feeling what he wants and letting him know that i'm here for him when he wants to talk NO MATTER HOW PAINFULL it is I WILL just listen.The really strange thing is  is during all this time we've been seperated we talk on a daily basis some times 2-6 times a day. weather it is by phone-by pager-or by the net. We don't get into to many deep conversations but we talk.I love my husband so much that i really wished i could take ALL OF HIS MLC stuff away from him so he wouldn't have to go through the pain he is in.I guess for me i find some strenght in music - the song Because you love me by Jo Dee Messina  i sing to God  and the song What I need by Julie Reeves I sing for my husband they help me to keep on going on hopeing and waiting for his return. I have also had a nitly ritual that i do that helps me no matter how i feel about him and that is I have a t-shirt of his i spray it w/ his colone and i have it on my pillow and i kiss him goodnite and tell him I love him. For me this is my way of dealing w/ some of the lonelyness and emptyness for even though he is not ther phys.  He is still there mentally.I know alot of people think taht i have lost it and that i should move on w/ my life  but you know what i really dont care what they think  my husband IS my life. Without him in it  it is TRUELY A VERY LONELY PLACE to be. Thanks for listening.
IKNOWIKAN2.

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Hi Mike, What a great site. I will not go into detail, but will say that I am devastated by my husband of 21 yrs. we are both 46. We have separated, after 7 mths he has said he wants a divorce, now we have not brought it up in 3weeks. Also have not talked to much. I am in major denial. He has so many of these signs of MLC that I have read about except for one( which has been in 
almost every story) that is that he has never blamed me for any of this. He states it all his fault,has told our daughter he is to blame for what Mom is going through. So that is my question seems most stories the husband has blamed tha spouse. If he does not blame me he takes full responsibility, does that mean it is not a MLC?  He does not believe he is having a MLC. Thanks so 
much for any response. Ginny  PS  I know it took both of us to get us into this mess, it is not all his fault. THANKS AGAIN

JA

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my husband is 67 im 56 we have been married one year, it has been a challanging year.

he retired friday and i am still working a couple of days a week sometimes more.

the "challenges" have esclated and i wonder if there are any answers or books or support groups we could get or go to??

i have to go to work momentairly but if i get an answer and there is more to be added i will on the morrow.

thanks in advance,

wen

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My husband has been unfaithful...would never have thought this of him...we have been married for 17 yrs and all of a sudden he is having an affair with a 38 yr old Whore she has never been married 2 kids w/2 different men lives with her mother...my husband has made the statement she makes him feel good...he is 55 yrs old...and my physicologist says he is obsessed with sex...we had to sell our home that we had for the last 16 yrs...and worked so hard for...and now we are both living in seperate apartment something he said he would never do...he has put me thru hell...when we were in the house he was talking to her on our home phone she was calling the home...and we had some real big fights over this...and caught them in parking lot suckin face and almost ran over them....he says he hopes 6 mo to a year he dose'nt find out he has made one hell of a mistake...I have filed for legal seperation and he dose'nt think he should pay me spousal support and my lawyer told him oh yes you will...what is this mid-life crisis and how long does it last....

JH

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