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Forum:The Midlife Crisis
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|January 12, 2000
I have been with my husband for 27 years. I believe he is going through a midlife crisis. He works 12-14 hours a day, eats two meals a day at fast food places and sleeps very little. He said he wants to leave me and give up everything to be alone. He is physical ill as well but, feels that me and my children are to much to handle. We have two teenage boys. One moment he acts like nothing is going on and the next he is leaving. I think he works to stay away and keep this off his mind. What should I do? Should I let him go? How long does this kind of thing last? Please help I am at wits end.
I Have a husband going through mlc and this is the hardest thing Ihave every been through does it get any better
I think the worst part (and this does indeed proclaim my vanity) is realizing that I am my parents age. All of a sudden, I am not 20+ years old, I am 40+ years old. This is how old mom and dad should be. My kids are the age I should be. Would I trade anything to be that young again? Well..........
To broken and waiting. When I read your story I cried, because that could have been me writing this. Except my husband found himself another family and moved in with them. My husband is not a person that lies. Well he does now. I had to go to court and get a restraining order against him, because he took my car and left his broken down one for me. I got the car back and when we went to court, he told me how sorry he was, with his "new love" sitting right there. He also said that he made a big mistake, he just wanted to let her down slowly. And he would be coming back home. So I dropped the restraining order, big fool that I am. I believed him and wanted nothing more than just to have him back. Well, my son (24) and I spent Christmas by ourselves and when my son called him to ask him to go dinner with us, he said he was busy, maybe some other time. After 28 years of marriage, I just could not believe that he would do something like this, but he is a stranger now, not a sign left of the person I knew. We had problems for the last 10 years since he went through midlife crisis when he turned 40, but then he only went to work out 24 hours a day and he wouldn't talk to us or do anything for us. Since then I have wrapped a shell around myself in order not to get hurt, but it didn't work, because now I suffer double. Well, I had enough of this, he can stay where he is and rot for all I care. I have been blaming myself for such a long time for everything that went wrong with our marriage, completely forgetting that there are two people involved. I will survive this and go on with my life and if I am really lucky someday, I will find a person who will really love me and not go crazy on me when things get tough. It seems I was always there when he needed me, but all he did was abuse me for it. His cruelty was unbelievable. I found out about the other woman on our 28th anniversary when he did not come home for the first time. When I questioned him, he told me that I could figure out that he didn't go fishing. And naturally it was all my fault. I drove him to it. Then he spent one more month at home, chatting with his love on the computer, knowing full well that I could read everything he wrote to her. When I told him it would be better if he left he told me that he would go when he chose to do so and If I did not act like a good wife he would not pay the bills. Thank God I just found a job, because when he left he left me all the bills. Now he is giving me a little bit of money every month, but most of it goes toward his new family. Isn't that so nice. He also promised me to go to marriage counseling, which never happened. When he was supposed to go he called me and told me that he was not feeling well. To the therapist he said he wasn't ready. When I wrote him an e-mail begging him to come home and telling him that I love him, he answered me that he was petrified to start over and that he loved his new woman and would be miserable without her and that he cared for me as a friend not as a wife. How easy it is for him. Well after all this time of misery I have had it . I will believe that the person I once knew and loved is dead. And even if he came back now, how could I ever trust him again and after ten more years will he do the same thing again. No thank you.
January 25, 2000
Is there a such thing as Midlife Crisis? I am 38 years of age and personally don't believe in midlife crisis. Is there any documentary on this subject or is midlife crisis an excuse for men to become unfaithful to their wives? If you don't have any hard evidence concerning this subject it will be very hard for you to convince me otherwise. I believe the midlife crisis is a excuse for men to mess around and that is all it is. I hope you are able to convince me otherwise, but if not thanks for trying.
I am a very active 36 year old woman married with 2 children, until about a 1-2 years I have been very happy in my married life...I thought. I have been with my husband for 21 years in February. We have been married for 17 yrs. My two boys 10 and 13 are very active with both of us, but being boys, do more with their father. I enjoyed being able to "do my own thing" on weekends, they would race and other sports, sometimes a couple times a month I would accompany them. We go out as a family a couple times during the week, and my husband and I go out 1-2 times ourselves.
We have a very good relationship, but I felt I needed to do more on my own, I joined groups and went to school, got a second job that feels like a hobby I'm being paid for, I love both my jobs. But as time went on I started to not want to go home. I realized as a year passed that I was doing everything you are supposed to do, to keep everything going in a marriage, and so does my husband. But still the "missing something" and lonliness of that missing piece was becoming more unbearable when I would have to go home at night. I realized I felt guilty that I have fallen out of love with my husband even though he is a wonderful man, father, and husband. I started to try things drastic, I told him what I feel like. We moved, worked on the new house together, hoping it would bring us together. He has done everything he can. It hasn't worked.
On December I broke his heart, I moved out into an apartment of my own.
He doesn't understand, or believe, that I have no feelings of "love" for
him anymore. I do love him, but not the way of husband and wife,
I have no sexual need for him. He is an active, and attractive man,
yet I don't have those feelings for him. I have them for someone
else. I have not acted upon these feelings but the guilt of
this has made me tired, of pretending to have them with my husband.
We are in counseling so he can try to understand that this has nothing
to do with anything he has or has not done. If I could take a magic
drink, and be in love with my husband again I would gladly do it.
But the truth is he can be romantic, and send flowers to my work, etc.,
but it just makes me feel bad for hurting him, I wonder what could be wrong
with ME that this has happened. I do not want to move back home,
yet he waits, and says I will come to my senses, I do not miss him in my
bed at night. Is this a mid-life crises, or just someone who grew
up and away from the best man anyone could have? He is a true friend,
and deserves so much more. He suspects I have someone else.
In reality I have been in love with a coworker for over a year. I
have not succumbed to any relationship with this person, and neither has
he, he is married also. But the plain fact is it has made me realize
that there is something wrong with my marriage. I have been gone
3 weeks, I don't know where I am going...I have no answers, I am in as
much pain as my husband. No one will probably understand that. Life
can truly be a mystery!
February 2, 2000
Dear Broken and waiting
I have read your page after a suggestion to look up 'mid life
crisis' from my husband. We have been married 15 yrs and have two kids.
He is currently going through the mid life crisis thing. I am thankfull
he told me, but the timing is bad. My father who lives in our town
has been diagnosed with cancer, nothing really they can do for him, two
weeks later my husband tells me he is having this crisis in his life, but
it has nothing to do with "me". He has been working out. grown a
beard, and looks great. The next week he is offered a transfer in
his job which is also a very good promotion. He left today, the same
How amazing that I am joining all you other women who's husbands are going through a MLC. My story is exactly the same as yours with minor variations. My husband after 13 years of marriage doesn't think he wants to be married anymore. It's just too hard. He's not sure though if he'll be making a mistake. I have broken his trust in me by not paying off our debts - a house mortgage, a second mortgage and one credit card. He does not feel like #1, the sex life is less than adequate is what he tells the counselor, he doesn't like my going to college. He just turned 47.All he wants to do is be happy. He doesn't know what will make him happy but evidentally our marriage is the cause of his unhappiness. I too am his yo-yo.
I won't go into more details because you all know the routine. IThis happened to me two days after Christmas and he left on New Years day - happy millenium! Like so many of you, I thought I would go crazy. I have searched everything I did in the past, I have analyzed him up one side and down the other. Finally I know that it is his problem and not me. It does not make it any easier and all the same fears you have are there for me. I would take him back in an instant. The only thing that really really scares me is that this can go on for years?!! God how do I get through this? I have prayed till I am blue in the face. I have yelled at God, pleaded with him to just bring him back and save this marriage. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't concentrate.My only hope is that we are going to counseling and that there is not yet any other woman.
Thank you for being out there and know that it helps to know that others understand the pain I am going through. Is there any support groups for this kind of thing? I live in Denver. I will be keeping tabs on what is going on with some of you and any help or insight you can send me would be appreciated.
February 10, 2000
I am seeking new spiritual paths and lifestyle changes and although
there were times I wanted her to come on this journey with me and have
even attempted to bring her along, now that she is willing I feel that
I cannot take it with her. I don't like this crap and want it over
with yet I feel I have no control here. I see my life changing
Why is it that men are the ones that go through mlc and the women do
not? I need answers and need them now, I sit here writing this and
my wife is packing her things to leave me. She said that one day
I will come home and she will be gone, I look at her and am at a complete
lost for words. It is as though I have become a child listening to
the parent confront them and not knowing what to say in response.
I am writing this but I don't think many men will read it. I want
to hear about a successful mlc if there is such a thing. I thought
I am too young for this,
I'm not sure I'm in a secure enough position to speak yet, but I'llshare this experience with you anyway in case it helps someone.
I'm 36 my husband is 38, we have two children, 9 & 17. Eight
monthsago, my husband went out to band practise (He is a part time musician)and
didn't come home that night.When he arrive at 6 the next morning (First
time this has ever happenedin 17 years) he told me he was in love with
someone else and was leaving
In shock, our relationship had always been the kind I dreamt about(although the previous year had seen us both undergo a great deal ofstress), I left - to go for a drive and get my thoughts together.
While I was out, it occured to me that I couldn't go home to have him
So I called home & said I needed a few days to get myself together.
We struggled off and on trying to work things out. He loved me. He loved me not. He loved me. He loved me not. I suggested that I move out to let him get himself together in the comfort of familiar surroundings and decide what he wanted. This would also allow me to start life fresh too rather than staying here lamenting his departure.
I made plans to move across the country, packed, bought a train ticket, we spoke about how to divide our belongings. I was to leave and have the boys come a month later, after school ended. That would give me a chance to set up a new home for us.
Before I left, he broke down and decided he didn't want me to leave.
Eight months later, we are still getting over the hurt, but we are together rebuilding our relationship - on stronger ground this time.
Maybe it won't last, but if we do end up separating at least I will be on stronger ground mentally.
Maybe it was sort of like playing hard to get ??
I'm not sure.
I've read what I should do with my 37 year old hunsband's mid life crises,
I don't want to be selfish. I want to do the right thing, I just
Your advice to Carol is sound ... and basically like everyone else's.
Hi, My name is Bob and I wrote the entry of October 16, 1998 about
the affair with my wife's best friend. It is now almost a year &
a half later and the same feelings are still with me. I have had
periods of release and have concentrated on my marriage and activities
that interest me but they consistently come flooding back again.
I've tried to take your advice about
If this was God's will why does it still hurt so much? I've done all the right things and I'm still screwed up inside. When will it end and let me begin experiencing some peace and serenity? Should I throw away 25 years of friendship and partnership with this woman I dearly respect and care for just because I don't feel romantically and physically attracted to her? Am I living a lie based on a decision I made when I was 18 yrs old? As Christians are we expected to stoically deny our own needs and feelings in order to maintain balance and serenity in other peoples (our mates) lives? My wife knows I'm in emotional pain but is very content herself. This adds even more to my frustration. She is the epitomy of the commitment and loving patience descibed by many other women who have written letters to your column about their husbands going through mlc. She will hang on with all the strength she has to the hope that things will somehow return to normal.
How can anyone turn their back on that and walk away? But why hasn't that been enough? All I want is some peace of mind and to stop thinking about the person and life I sacrificed in order to be where I am today. Any input from others would greatly be appreciated. Perhaps you could post this in your general forum area that seems to get more exposure. Thanks for your help and for providing this site. Reading others' posts makes me realize that I am not alone in this.
February 13, 2000
I found your website while looking for "Men's Midlife Crisis.
So many of the stories sound just like mine. I realize that I am
not alone in this situation! My husband after 36 yrs. of marriage
said he wanted out! This happened after I caught him e-mailing a
woman, who is in our town, Dec. 14th 1999. It was a real shock
LM, It sounds like you are in Mid-life crisis. There is a book by Jim
Conway called "men in mid-life crisis". Good book! and that book should
help you understand what you are going through,also there is a book by
his wife Sally Conway called your husbands mid life crisis, You have to
visit there web site to order their books, I think just Sallys. That would
be a good book for your wife and it would help her understand what your
going through. My husband is going throught it now ,but he is doing much
better, but we have a ways to go. good luck
i am 41, he is 50. married 21 yrs. 3 children, 15, 19 and a son who
passed away 2 yrs ago who would have been 17. i think it started then.
6 months after jr died, he told me i killed him and that jr didn't love
me. i blamed it on grief. jr died in a car accident while our daughter
was driving and all three kids were in the car. it was his time...let's
let that go. i have closure with God on that! i wasn't there during the
accident. a month ago, my husband told me he didn't love me anymore and
that he was leaving me in 2 yrs and 7 months when chris turns 18. i have
begged him. bargained...promised to change, etc. the classic response.
i have told him i love him, worship him etc. i have an appt for him to
get a physical this monday because he quit eating and throws up when he
eats. he says his stomach hurts all the time. he says that he is not having
an affair. but he was calling a female friend on his cell phone all the
time at work. he got mad when i confronted him. he said he would leave
now. he says i smother him. that he wants to find some happiness. i have
quit smothering him. the friend is coming to dinner monday as a fix up
for his brother! she is a good person and an old friend of mine too. he
isn't having an affair.
Thank you very much for this forum. It has helped save my sanity
and hopefully, my marriage. My husband wanted out of our marriage
after 30 years (plus 3 of dating). Two days after saying this, he
was in the middle of an affair. A waitress he had known said he looked
troubled and if he ever wanted to talk...it appears, the middle of the
night was the time to talk. Now, 7 months later, we are living separately
and trying to get our marriage back. He is classic MLC and I am classic
of MLC. (I capitalize because it deserves to be with all the havoc
it causes.) I went through everything others have
February 22, 2000
I have read your story and I am currently going thru the same thing...The love for my husband is not there anymore. he's a great person but i have no feelings toward him anymore. I told him i wanted to split up and of course he went crazy on me, begging me to stay with him to give him another chance. We have been married for 1 2 years and have an 1 1 yr old daughter together. I feel so bad so guilty for hurting him.
He knows that we have trouble communicating and there is a lost of trust. I never cheated on him. I spend time on my computer checking sites and also in chat rooms and maybe this was a mistake i don't know cause i have drastically fallen in love with someone on the internet. I never thought this would happen, but it did. This person feels the same toward me. I know that u might be thinking that this person might be a looney but, in my heart he is not. We have spoken on the home many times and i feel so strongly for him.....I need help I need advice....Anyone out there can help me?????
Confused in MA
February 27, 2000
My husband of 16 years turned 40 last April. In August of '99 he went
on a Mission trip to Russia. He called me
Over the years I had been tempted to leave my husband because our physical relationship was terrible. Each time he begged me to stay and I did. I love him and I am committed to our relationship. My husband says our physical relationship is bad because I started walking with the Lord and he felt that sex was not right with me anymore. We have started to go to counseling. Some days I am hopeful and others I am hopeless. I have been mutilating myself because in some sad, sick way it helps me to deal with the pain he is causing.
Some days I love him, some I hate him, some I feel sorry for him. This
whole thing is so confusing to me. We have two sons and they are feeling
hurt and confused as well. Has anyone else been through this and had a
I'm new at this. My husband told me Christmas night 1999 that he wanted out. I knew he had suffered depression since a heart attack a year and a half earlier, but had no idea he had been using the whole time to get strong enough to leave me. He's left and come back twice, left again tonight saying there is next to no hope for us. He is a religious man who has been a rock, a pillar and my idol. Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage. I found this site just tonight and my blood turns cold with the dispair. Are there any success stories? I could be reading my husband's case over and over: he fell out of love (suddenly), he loves me, I misunderstood what he meant when he said he was leaving, he doesn't believe in divorce, but God has work for him to do without me. I am afraid and lonely. I love him with all my heart, but am getting tired of being hurt and blamed so much. Please, please help me! Bev,
February 29, 2000
I'M GENA. MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS SINCE HE WAS 39.
HE HAS CONSTANTLY BEEN DEPRESSED, SITS AROUND AS THOUGH HAS IS UNHAPPY.
CONSTANTLY BICKERS OVER SMALL THINGS; LIKE EVERYTHING SHOULD BE PERFECT.
On New Year's day my wife of 15 years told me that she was no longer
attracted to me and wanted a divorce. 18 days later she left for work and
never came home, abandoning me and our 3 kids. At first I was shocked and
hurt but then realized that I could use this time to build a closer relationship
with my kids. It's been 6 weeks and I'm no longer lonely or hurting. Tomorrow
I file for divorce. Stop defining yourselves in terms of your relationship
with your spouse and use this time to learn and grow.
DON"T LET IT HAPPEN.
Redirect your own destiny and become your own person again. Remember, you had a life before this person came into it. Take it back. Don't be afraid of the future because whether you like it or not, the future is where you will spend the rest of your life.
When life hands you lemons.........
Lemonade never tasted sweeter.
I just found your site today, and I don't know if I feel better or worse. It helps to know others are out there, and it hurts to know that my husband is going through a mid-life crisis (he denies is emphatically). I didn't know if he was for sure, because I don't know all the signs. But he is behaving just like everyone else's husband who is going through a crisis. He is distant. He says he is just not "happy", and he doesn't know why. He wants to be alone.
He is moving out tomorrow, after 2 months of "thinking" what he should do. He is determined. He does not look at me when he talks to me. He says he loves me, but does not know what kind of love it is. He says he is not happy with the way our relationship has been going. I know that I have my faults, but the last 2 years he has changed. He has a part-time job as a sports official, and the past 2 years he has immersed himself in every aspect of that that he could. I see now that he was running away. From what, I do not know. And now he is running away from me. It hurts. It just plain hurts. I don't know what to do, and I can see from what everyone writes that there is not much that can be done. As a spouse, I realize what he is going through, but that does not change the fact that I have a right to have a life that is pleasing to me, too.
Two months ago he told me he was not happy and needed some "space." I have offered to go to counseling with him, to do literally anything to try to rebuild our marriage and make it everything we want. He doesn't know what he wants, so I get no response. This is awful. I feel like he is wrecking the best part of our marriage - this should be a happy, easy time. The kids are almost out of the house, money is not such a problem anymore. We should just be able to enjoy our life and enjoy each other. Then this happens. I feel so cheated. Cheated out of everything I have worked our entire marriage for. Now I know that he has already been experiencing these feelings for two years, and that hurts too. I idly by and wait and watch and hope. And I don't know how long I am going to be able to hang on. I hope I can endure this in case he is ready to rebuild our marriage soon.
March 4, 2000
Well, not only do I feel like a minority here due to being a male poster, but also because I appear to be starting my MLC at an earlier age than most I've read about at this site. I just turned 30 and I'm currently going through what I think to be MLC. Not being an expert on the subject, I don't know. What is MLC exactly anyway? If it means being depressed and in a state of dispair, then I seem to be going through it. A week ago I was happy and content with life (wife, home, job, etc.) then all of a sudden my emotional world turned upside down. Before this, I loved my wife dearly (to the point of overprotection), then all of a sudden I'm angry, disatisfied, and have an "emotional cloud" hanging over me in regards to her. What is going on?! Is MLC male menopause?(sorry, no disrespect intended towards the ladies) Sure, my wife has put on a few pounds during our 7 year marriage, but am I really that shallow a person to be disatisfied and in despair over a few pounds on the waistline?! Arrrgh! Help! I love my wife, she's my life, she's the best friend I've ever had, but the way I'm feeling now it's like there's a void in my heart all of a sudden. Where did this come from? It's not her fault and she's been as understanding as one can be, but this is driving me crazy. It's ruining my life. I look at it as some sort of mental/emotional cancer that has taken over my heart and mind and I want it out NOW! I want my old life back! Forgive me if I sound like I'm rambling, but I've got a lot of pent up frustration that needs letting out. I'd love to hear from you other guys that are going through the same thing. How is your MLC manifesting itself? Have their been any real studies on MLC? Is there a chemical/hormonal basis for it? I'm looking for something to grasp onto. I'd hate to think I'm truly unhappy with my life. My wife deserves better than that.
March 7, 2000
To Broken and Waiting
I am now going through the same thing and I need help very fast. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I need to talk to someone.
ah the devestation of disapointment, do we all expect the happily ever
after story to be true to the end that we are married and so expect no
more changes? I am a fourty year old man and have now a life better then
i dreamed with a home better then i grew up in a wife whod a thought and
kids love em but still life turns its stress upon us of time. yes turning
fourty is tough for guys who wanted to be presedent or captain of the team
or barishnacov for gods sake and relize their wife is upset and going on
about how they havent done the laundry folding in awhile as you are reading
the paper,heaven forbid. i love my life and hate it but where else is there
to go. more importantly what is it about these restrictions? that will
show me what i can do in life still? I look upon this all as a struggle
of the heart and of the loss of desire to conquer or achieve for man. we
wish to win the golden fleece but stand with what now looks like the world
we hoped we never be standing in, domestic trials and tribulations. no
longer are the victories of our day celebrated no longer are the virtues
of our lover swooned over no longer are the passions carrying us away in
possibilities. the heart of a man seeks to win, seeks to develope, seeks
like jack in the bean stock story
my husband (44yrs old) and I have been maarried 24 1/2 years. The week before last Christmas, he decided to dump on me that he no longer has feelings for me and doesn't know why. We have been seperatied for2 months now and it has onlyl gotton worse. He decided to go to a attorney to file a divorce. This is coming from a manwho has always been kind, compansionate loving and caring....He has now turned in to solid ice when it comes to me...He says he's ready to move on and I am in his way....Ive shed more tears than the Pacific could hold. HE will not go to counseling as he says things will not change. He doesn't want to work on it.....just get rid of me. I feel for you and have no advice to offer as I am still in limbo with no place to go.
There are other males out there that are going through this, but hardly any of them will admit that it is a MLC. I applaud you for seeking companionship through writing.
Sometimes it is easier knowing that someone else is going through this. I think that if you explain how you feel to your wife, and let her read the stuff on this website, she will be ready to take on what ever it is your are about to go through.
Lots of husbands just go, leaving us behind to pick up the pieces of ourselves, by ourselves.
Keep searching for you, I bet you need only look behind you.
March 10, 2000
So many of the entries on this page sound similar. Recently, while speaking
with someone who has been through
Shocked but no longer surprised.
Dear Mike K -
Your message appeared in the forum just before mine, and I read it the day after I had sent my message. What beautiful words of insight. I want you to know how your letter helped me, and continues to help me, through this difficult time. Your words 'DON'T LET IT HAPPEN' go through my head whenever I begin to feel depressed about my situation and it starts to overwhelm and control me. The words themselves are so uplifiting. We all control our own destinies - don't let someone else destroy yours! I am moving forward. I am learning a lot about myself. I am learning that I was so wrapped up in everyone else (my husband, my kids and their needs), that I lost myself in there somewhere and stopped being a person. I am seeking to find that person again, and to learn to enjoy life again. If at some point that means that my husband and I will begin a NEW relationship (because I know I don't want that old one back!), then that would be wonderful. And if that doesn't happen, then that must mean that there are better things ahead for me. My husband said many things before he left, and most of them are true statements about life in general. One was "Life is too short" - and he's right, life is too short. Too short to waste time pining for something you may not be able to have and sacrificing what you could have. Another one was "Every day I spend here with you is a day of my life that is gone that I can't take back." And that's true. But I don't think he realized that that saying was true for him and for ME. I don't want our old life back - and I'm letting go of it. There has to be something better than the void we were living in. If it means we end up together again, then fine. Provided that it means that we have a NEW relationship, not the old one - the old one simply isn't good enough for ME anymore!
To start out,I'm a 42 year old male. For about the past two years I've been in a power struggle with my emotions. Today I decided to make a complete jerk out of myself.My wife of 10 years is one of the most honest and devoted people you would ever want to meet. She has stood beside me through thick and thin.She really has a good time chating with people on the net. *most are men * and are not a problem. Untile today,my emotions took over and almost cost me my marriage. I started yelling at her and found my self almost acussing her of having an affair.This MLC stuff is not a fun way to go. I'm at a loss of what to do, I love her with all my heart and can't keep doing this to her.what can I do to get through this. Is there something out there to help, I'm not an emotional person by nature, but this is tearing me up inside. I love my wife and don't want this MLC to get in the way.
Special Notice: I'm going to be away for about 9 days (spring break--Yea!), but the bad news is I won't be around a computer and thus able to post your messages. So send things to post if you want; just remember, they won't go up until about March 20. Sorry for the inconvenience.
March 19, 2000
My husband is going through what I believe is his midlife crisis. I do not know him anymore and this goes the same for his family. Help!!
I'm 46 about to be 47 next month and I was looking up MLC for the heck of it cause I have been feeling a bit stuck in my life too. I have a great wife, no thoughts or wishes for anything other than happiness with my family. I have a 5 yr. old daughter who is the light of my life. We even want to have another soon. But I want someplace where other gentlemen are open and putting themselves on the line.
I own my own business, and work has been slow over the past 6 months. My wife quit her job cause of a conflict with a co-worker who is a wench. I supported her in quitting. However, she is enjoying spending lots of time with my daughter and is taking her time in looking for a new job. She is expecting me to carry the whole nut, which I have been, thanks to savings, but it is real tough now with work so slow, so I am questioning my worth a bit. I'm sure it will go away when work picks up, but it is tough right now. She also has real bad PMS and it makes it worse every 2 out of 4 weeks to deal with, plus a little one who wants and needs the attention.
So I'm not so bad here, that is why I started off with trying to help. So good luck everyone, Pray a lot. Don't give up and share your true feelings with each other. It is tougher than it sounds, but you all deserve it.
Hello. I am a 43 year old man and I think I'm going through this "midlife"
crisis. I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I often break out into tears
for some strange reason. And I do not CRY IN PUBLIC. I feel that my sweetheart
of 4 months don't care for me at all anymore, but she says I'm wrong. Then
she keeps telling me.."something is wrong with you". all of
a sudden, I am
Hi, I don't know which story is yours. Are you broken hearted and waiting? Did your husband leave you due to MLC? I am having a big problem in my life, but I don't know which story is yours.
March 23, 2000
Hi there, found your web site and it was helpful for me to read other
people's stories. I have been through a living hell lately.
My husband had an affair with a woman he works with, and the pain is aweful,
something that I would not wish on anyone. We are a modern day "Brady
Bunch", he has two children from a former marriage and I have one.
My son loves him so
My husband, age 40, is going through midlife crisis...or depression, or invasion of the body snatchers. It doesn't matter what you call it - he's not himself.
He moved out over a year ago and I'm waiting for him to figure out what he wants. It's incredibly frustrating and painful.
Before he moved out, he took antidepressant medication for a few weeks, and actually started smiling again and stopped picking fights over trivial matters and stopped being such a workaholic (which I think he does to escape the vague dissatisfaction that I call his depression - but he resists that term). But, the sexual side effects and drowsiness bothered him, so he briefly switched to another antidepressant but when the side effects didn't disappear right away, he gave up on medication.
I found a wonderful book by Dr. Frank Pittman called Grow Up - How Taking Responsibility Can Make You a Happy Adult. He says "Those who don't develop happiness within themselves but demand it from outside clearly don't know how to bring it about and are likely to be angry about it."
To those feeling the urge to divorce, he offers several pieces of advice, including: "Take Prozac. It has fewer side effects than divorce, it works more quickly, and it is more reliable in relieving unhappiness." Also, "Treat you, not your mate, as the problem."
So far, my husband still sees me as the problem, even though I've worked
on fixing the things he complained about (I gained weight - all of which
I've now lost; I didn't keep the magazine stack perpendicular to the coffee
table edges - I do now; etc.). When I see him, which isn't often,
he rarely smiles. He works seven days a week and talks a lot about
his work, but that
I wish he could stop looking for external things to make him happy, and get about the business of making himself happy. Whether he takes Prozac or just gets into therapy for depression or starts meditating I don't care - I just hope he can find happiness and inner peace, and then find his way back to me.
-TRYING TO BE PATIENT
I am a 56 year old career woman and have been married 32 years. Kid are gone,and I am in an identity crisis. I don't seem to have any idea who I am or what iI did for fun at some point in my life. I am in major blahs. Is this some kind of identity crisis. I am really floundering. All I want to do when I am not at work is close the drapes and watch TV. Sometimes I don't even answer my phone. It doesn't really even make me all that happy when my kids come. I seem to just want them to leave.
Dear Mike, I have written to you on occasion and just want to
update you on my wife's' midlife crisis. Since August 1998 she has
been on a roller coaster of emotions. From loving and making her
the happiest woman in the world to loving me like a brother to "loving
me to but not being in love with me." She continues to vacillate
between her gay peer at work and her
I NEED HELP...I am a young 44 year old female, non-traditional college student, married w/3 grown children and an 8 year old at home. I have not gotten my emotional needs met or my sexual desires fulfilled by my husband for the 14 years we have been together (3 yrs. dating & 11 yrs. married). He is a great guy...just not able to satisfy me. We have tried everything to change these problems in our marriage, but nothing has worked.
Because I felt so lonely in my marriage, and a friend of mine was always talking about these guys she met online, I asked my husband if he would mind if I chatted with other men online. He said he didnít care (he has always allowed me to be my own person and has always trusted me). So one night about two-and-a-half months ago, I was checking out some chat rooms (curious to see what they were all about) and immediately someone asked me to chat in a private room, so I agreed.
This young man is only 20, but we instantly connected on a level I have never connected with anyone before, in our hearts...that is the only way I can explain it. We spoke to each other on the phone several times. I fell instantly in love with him, and I thought he felt the same way. Because my husband knows me well, he could tell and confronted me. I am an honest person, so I couldnít lie to him, I told him what had happened and what I was feeling. Once I told my young love that I told my husband, he felt he didn't want to be the cause of breaking up a family, but wanted to remain my friend. This was difficult, but I agreed.
An entire month passed and I didn't hear from him at all. This was his
way of distancing himself from me. During this time, because of the way
he just shut me out, I became literally obsessed with getting in touch
with him. I finally found his phone number and called him. By this time,
my doctor, my husband, and I thought it would be best for me to meet him
in order to kill the fantasy I had created in my mind (I can honestly say,
Iím not sure if I really believed at this time it was a fantasy, my feelings
felt very real). When I met him in person, it didn't turn out the
way we had all expected. My young love and I were immediately attracted
to each other. I realize he is at his sexual peek and I am sexually frustrated,
but I don't believe it was just lust that we had between us. He is also
a moral person--which makes this whole situation very confusing for him.
I believe part of him loves me and wants to be with me and part of him
doesn't want to break my family apart. I am sure that the big age difference
also is an issue for us both. I too am very confused, we never had the
opportunity to sleep together. There is much
A week past after our meeting f2f and again I didn't hear from him. So I called him again, because I just had to talk with him and find out where he was coming from. He told me it wouldn't work and he just wanted to be friends. I was devastated, because I thought when we met, it seemed mutual that we did love each other. I couldnít let go. After another week without speaking to him, I just had to call him again, to talk with him about it. At that time, I told him I was going away for a couple of days to get my thoughts together and he informed me he wanted to come. So I made reservations, even though he hadn't gotten back to me to finalize our plans. I called him the day I was leaving but his mother kept giving me excuses why he couldn't come to the phone. When I went to pick him up (2-1/2 hours away, his mother wouldn't let me speak to him or see him. I sat outside of his house for a while, thinking (not stalking) about what I should do. During this time, my young love called my husband to apologize for all that had happened between him and I. My husband already knew everything, because I told him the truth all along, except that my young love was coming away with me.
I left his house to find a bathroom, and while I was gone, I called my husband on my cell phone. That is when he informed me that my young love had called him while I was sitting outside of his house. I became very upset at this time and found myself lost in another state, very late at night crying hysterically. I had to ask my husband to come get me, because I was too upset to drive. Now I am very depressed and do not want to let go, not in this way. He told my husband he wouldn't get in touch with me ever again. I feel so foolish in a way, yet I know I loved him. I can't understand why he just couldn't tell me it was over a month and a half ago. It would have saved me a lot of time, pain and grief. I am wondering if I will ever get over him? I still want him and I can't accept he doesn't want me, because I didn't hear it directly from him. I heard it from his mother and my husband only.
My husband has been wonderful to me during this whole thing, understanding
and supportive of my pain (he is a very intelligent guy who has done research
on Cyber Affairs and understands how these things can happen). I had never
cheated on my husband in any way before this, so the threat of me being
in love with someone else has actually enabled him to now express his feelings
to me. I just don't feel as if I have anything left to give to him after
wanting that exact thing from him for so many years
Sincerely...'Can't Let Go'
Midlife Crisis isn't a Crisis here in Switzerland. It's a Rock & Blues Band against all Crisis ...
March 29, 2000
I believe my husband is going through a midlife crisis as well.
He left quite a prestigious job the first of January with my support and
reassurance. I had assumed that the problems with his bad temper
and agitation was due to his hating his job. I found out the third
week of January that he had had an affair between Thanksgiving through
Christmas. At first he denied it, but later admitted to it. I told
him to quite simply "get out." For about a week all I did was read
about affair/infedility etc.etc.A christian book said the worst thing to
do was to separate. That your marriage should be top priority and
counseling would be a must. After long prayer and many tribulations,
I decided to tell him that if God could forgive him, I could as well.
I suggested counseling and for him to move back home. To make a very
long and sad story, he said, "no." A few weeks went by and by the
middle of February he had acquired an apartment, new bedroom furniture,
tv, etc. etc. One night I got a call from his new work place, asking
if he had gotten home all right. They than asked me if I was his
girlfriend, Emily. He had assured me he had ended it with her and
I have read just about all the site and I am hoping to get any help. I just did not every know a person could endure so much pain,agony,depression,it is just so painful. My husband and I are 46, married 21 yrs. We had been growing distant probably the last two years. we just did nothing about it. (oh the regret I have) He does not believe he is going through a mid life crisis but......he has changed so drasticly.His is so self centered. Cares about none but him. He says he loves me but is not in love anymore. What is that, seems a lot of the husbands say that? He was just such a family man and great supporter. He just became so critical of us (2kids11,18) nothing was good enough, his opinion did not count in the house. He was hateful all the time. It just got to the point were we did not want him around, we were all on pins and needles.
Golly there is so much more to this!!!
I incepted a message he received from a women and it has gone downhill fast. I absolutely could not believe this and could not let it go. Still can't. That was 2yrsago and I have not been able to trust him since. I quizzed him if he was a minute late it was terrible for both of us My insecurity was boss. How could he do this? Well, he began to spend more time with his male friends and who knows who else that I just got fed up one night and put his belongings outside. well he went I did not believe he would do that to us. Well, it has been 7 months now. I have gone crazy. just in so much pain. But I did not help at all because for the last 7mths al I have done is try to find out who the other person is. Ofcourse he lies lies lies but I am obsessed with finding this out. It is terrible. This is not normal for me. I was always such a strong person. But the rejection from him is the most agonizing thing I have ever dealt with. Why do I insist on finding out who this is? Why can't I stop? I have made him get further and further away. I know it too, but yet I keep on trying to find things out. He just seems to be so happy in his apt. like he couldn't care less about us. That is painful too that he is managing to move on while he just left me to deal with his rejection and I am frozen in depression. He did finally tell me he wanted a divorce 2 weeks ago. I am in major denial about that, I cannot believe it. But I do know that somehow I have got to get off this obsession about finding out who it is. For some reason I feel like it would help me????? He has said to me that I don't seem to care about anything else but that. I do but I can't get past it. OH I do hope I here from some of you. I just know that you all are the only ones that know what this pain is like. It is so hard when people just say get over it is not that easy. thanks all
In response to Gloria, who wants to close the drapes and watch television...you
did not indicate the duration of your symptoms, but I strongly encourage
you to make an appointment with your general practitioner or gynecologist.
You are probably clinically depressed. The loss of interest in life and
resulting isolating behavior is a strong indication of depression.
It is really quite common, NOT a sign of weekness, and NOT something that
you can will yourself out of. I must insist that you make an
appointment-CALL TODAY and tell the receptionist that you need to see your
doctor to discuss depression. Do NOT minimize this or put it off.
You can and will feel better with some help that may include medication,
therapy,or both. PLEASE just do it.
HI everyone i am new to this. iwas looking for info. on the subject
at hand and found myself here. As i read all of your stories
i cryed. I am a 29yr.old mother of 3 sons. I am not yet divorced
but have been seperated from my husband since Sep. of 1998. My story and
lif is very complacted. ME and my husband grew up in to very different
worlds.we have been together for 11 yrs.now and out of the 11yrs. weve
been married for 7. Believe me we have had ALOT of ups and downs.There
were alot of reasons as to why we seperated to begin with and through it
all the 2 things that remained the same was our love for each other and
faithfullness to each other. that was up until last june. I was and went
through a thing of finding me and i ended up cheating on my husband i felt
like crap and told him i wanted a divorce. I dealt with me and who i was
and wanted to be and told my husband
Hi Mike, What a great site. I will not go into detail, but will say
that I am devastated by my husband of 21 yrs. we are both 46. We have separated,
after 7 mths he has said he wants a divorce, now we have not brought it
up in 3weeks. Also have not talked to much. I am in major denial. He has
so many of these signs of MLC that I have read about except for one( which
has been in
my husband is 67 im 56 we have been married one year, it has been a challanging year.
he retired friday and i am still working a couple of days a week sometimes more.
the "challenges" have esclated and i wonder if there are any answers or books or support groups we could get or go to??
i have to go to work momentairly but if i get an answer and there is more to be added i will on the morrow.
thanks in advance,
My husband has been unfaithful...would never have thought this of him...we have been married for 17 yrs and all of a sudden he is having an affair with a 38 yr old Whore she has never been married 2 kids w/2 different men lives with her mother...my husband has made the statement she makes him feel good...he is 55 yrs old...and my physicologist says he is obsessed with sex...we had to sell our home that we had for the last 16 yrs...and worked so hard for...and now we are both living in seperate apartment something he said he would never do...he has put me thru hell...when we were in the house he was talking to her on our home phone she was calling the home...and we had some real big fights over this...and caught them in parking lot suckin face and almost ran over them....he says he hopes 6 mo to a year he dose'nt find out he has made one hell of a mistake...I have filed for legal seperation and he dose'nt think he should pay me spousal support and my lawyer told him oh yes you will...what is this mid-life crisis and how long does it last....
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