Dear all you MLC's
Get help, you are destroying families! My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 8. He is 36 and I 32. We have 2 small children ages 2 & 4 who really need their Dad. He too came home one day out of the blue and said I don't love you anymore and don't wantto be married. We live in a nice house and have many nice things, butsaid having children ruined our marriage. I should have saw all the signs of a MLC, new clothes, the gym, BMW, hiding credit card tatements and the self-centeredness. For the past two years he wasted away in a recliner or was on the road traveling. Our relationship grew apart because of it. I found out later he was having an affair and it wasn't the first. He packed up in February and got a new job in another state to be closer to the OW. She is the same age as me with 2 children the same ages as mine. She is also going through a divorce. My husband only sees his kids every 7-9 weeks. They are the ones suffering. He is missing out on the best years of their lives. It is very difficult raising two small children alone. I do miss him and wished we could have worked it out. During the past two years I knew things were going bad and suggested counseling several times, but he constantly told me there was nothing wrong in our marriage and that he loved me very much. Then he suggested counseling after he told me he wanted out, but then said a counselor couldn't make him love me. I suppose that's true. I can also tell you that I am not overweight and keep up with my appearance, so it wasn't like I let myself "go". I just wish woman can get inside a guys head and try to understand where this all comes from and why when it happens it's always too late to do something? Why can't they let us woman know our relationship needs some help before it's too late? I guess it has to do with a man asking for directions.
Anyway, I know something good has to be coming my way, after this living hell I know I deserve it, as do all the other woman going through this.
GM
______________________
Hi,
I'm a 38 year old woman married 6 years to a 34 year old man (who is
going on 17). He's got the classic midlifer's problem. Had an emotional
affair, wants a tatoo, has been smoking behind my back, lying about the
color of the sky and has spent a fortune on new clothes and is using his
work as his sole identity. He's been awful to me. We have a son who just
turned 1 year old last month. I think I understand what is happening, but
what I don't understand is why did this happen? Is this just his thing
or did I drive him to it? Do I have any responsiblity? I ask because you
are right to assume my self esteem is shot, and I'm in counseling, but
I also want to know where I fell short. I guess taking care of a baby tied
me up and I forgot about
him.
He keeps holding the past against me, never letting it go. Also, he's
a day dreamer about sailing. He dreams and dreams and dreams, but never
gets on a boat. What's up with that? When I was 9 months pregnant I said
let's go get you a boat and we did. It's been sitting on shore for over
a year. He keeps saying he can't figure out how to anchor it, dock it etc.
Analysis is paralysis, and he has brought this non-action to our life for
so long. It's like he figures once he gets it in the water he will have
to sail it and he isn't sure he can. He blames me for not supporting his
sailing, and gee, I sat on the shore of a lake for weeks while he took
sailing lessons. Anything he has boat-related is what I bought him. Believe
me, I have supported it, but it's almost like
he'd rather dream than sail. I guess that's what you guys mean about
the fantasy being more alluring than the reality.
It's not a one time thing for him, though. He lives his life like this,
and is always in a constant limbo, and I'm there with him and I can't stand
it. I need to live. I can't believe in one of your columns you quote Thoreau
saying and "not when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." I've
said that to myself 5,000 times over the years, and if I die tomorrow,
I haven't lived.
He seems to be feeling this way too (and blaming me for everything!)
but he seems to be his own worst enemy. Is this part of it? Also, can you
elaborate
more on an emotional affair vs a sexual one? Is the emotional one more
common in a midlife crisis? Is it more dangerous (except for aids etc of
course). Can I trust my husband when he swears there was no sex? Our phone
bill shows 20 or more calls a day to her, is that the addictiveness of
an affair of a midlifer? Could having a baby have brought this on? If we
work things out, what are our chances of ever having another? Will it make
this happen all over again?
thanks,
lily
______________________
IT IS A MEASURE OF MY STRENGTH AND LOVE THAT KEEPS ME PRAYING AND HOPING MY WIFE COMES TO HER SENSES. AFTER 17 YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND TWO CHILDREN, SHE STARTED HER JOURNEY, HER TRANSITION THREE YEARS AGO THIS AUG 18. IT IS AN ANNIVERSARY DATE OF PAIN...NO JOY HERE WITH HER CONSTANT SEARCH FOR HER SOUL MATE. IN THE MEANTIME, I REMAIN AT HOME WITH OUR TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN. MY WIFE OCCUPYS SPACE IN THE SPARE ROOM. BOTH KIDS ARE AWARE OF MOM'S LOSS OF LOVE FOR DAD. THEY DO NOT KNOW THE REAL REASON BUT THEY KNOW MOM AND DAD ARE NOT AN ITEM.
MY WIFES' SOUL MATE AT HER PLACE OF WORK IS A GAY PEER WHO I STRONLY
FEEL IS UNAWARE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THE HOMEFRONT. MY WIFE AND
I TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING EXCEPT OUR RELATIONSHIP. WHEN IT IS TALKED
ABOUT, IT IS WITH ANGER AND MOOD CHANGES THAT SHE TRANSFERS HER ANGER TO
ME. I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP, I JUST KNOW THAT I CANNOT CHANGE HER.
ARGUING IS USELESS. MY SOUL REBUTTAL TO HER IS THAT SHE MUST BE RESPONSIBILITIES
FOR
ANY OF HER ACTIONS. IT IS SAID OUT OF LOVE BUT THE RESPONSE JUST
CAUSES FURTHER ISSUES.
I AM SHROUDED, IGNORED EXCEPT WHEN FAMILY, NEIGHBORS ARE AROUND.
SHE PUTS HER BEST FOOT FORWARD ON THESE OCCASIONS.
IN RETURNING TO YOUR SITE OVER THESE PAST YEARS, I NOTE THAT THINGS HAVE NOT CHANGED MUCH. MOST PEOPLE IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE SO SELFISH, SELF CENTERED, OBNOXIOUS AND ANGRY. ONE CANNOT FIGHT THIS AS I DO NOT THINK THESE PEOPLE ARE ACTING RATIONALLY. ONE BIT OF ADVICE I CAN GIVE THOSE WHO ARE ON THE SIDE AND WATCHING THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS, LOOK AFTER YOURSELF AND ESPEICALLY YOUR CHILDREN. YOU NEED TO BE STRONG AND MENTALLY/PHYSICALLY ALERT
MJK
______________________
Hi everyone, I'm 35 years old, going thru a divorce and new to this forum and I'm really glad I found it. I've been going crazy wondering why my husband (35 years old) of almost 7 years decided "he didn't love me anymore". And this was told to me 6 weeks after our youngest was born . I'm a stay at home mom and we have three children, 2 boys age 6 and 3, and a girl, (first girl born on his side of the family after 10 boys!), 9 months old. Our daughter, as with our sons, was a planned pregnancy. We were reading a book on "how to choose the sex of your baby" just to see if we could "try" for that girl and when we found out from the ultrasound she was a girl, we were both stunned and elated!
During my pregnancy, his job was changing in the company and I know
he was really stressed about it. Then we have our third child and
like I said 6 weeks later "I don't know if I love you anymore". And
since then it's gone downhill. We tried counseling 4 times and he
didn't want to do it anymore. He moved out April 1, 2001 and is living
with his dad. I was devastated and
still confused but I know I have to move on. He said he was going
to file for divorce, soon after he left and I was never served. So
I asked him if he was still planning to and his response was "not right
now". Well, he was paying our bills and giving us only $300 every
2 weeks stating this was all we had in the bank after the bills were paid.
So I asked him "can I see a
bank statement stating that this is all we have", his response "no".
This man makes over $100K a year so I was very nervous about that response.
And all of a sudden, he changes his checking acct so I didn't know what
we had financially. Soon after that, I got a good attorney and filed
for "legal separation". He finally retained an attorney and responded
"divorce". We
are going thru the process and it's been such a traumatic change for
the kids. I bought a couple of divorce books for the boys so they
can understand (through story) that it's not their fault and it gives them
a way to communicate to me their feelings. The oldest has had a hard
time with all this so when he tells me what he thinks and feels, after
hearing the stories, I'm relieved. I look at my children and ask
WHY, WHY, WHY? Everyone we know has asked the same thing especially
since they saw us really working "to try" for the girl!
So I guess what I'm getting at is, even though I didn't expect MLC to
happen so soon, I'm assuming it is happening. He doesn't seem to
care about what he's done and at the visitation mediation claimed that
our kids were "adapting" to the divorce. Well, he has witnessed our
boys crying, when we do the visitation transition, but it doesn't faze
him. He is not the person I married, it's like someone evil has possessed
his body.I'm hurt and confused and I know I need to move on but when I
see my
children, I'm soooo angry at him for doing this to them. He didn't
try hard enough to make this marriage work and I hope one day he'll regret
it. But for now, my focus is on my children and me. What is
unfortunate is that I'll have to get a job and so I won't be there for
them like I was. And I feel so guilty because they NEED me right
now and it's just not fair!! :(
I do have support from my friends and family. I've been seeing a therapist once a week and on anti-depressants. Our boys will be attending a 6 week workshop for kids on divorce so I hope this helps them. I'm crying right now because they are just TOO YOUNG to have to go thru this, especially my youngest.
If you have any advice for me, please share.
RM
______________________
To SO,
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I truly believe that he will never leave his wife, no matter what he says.
He may want to, but he won't.
And to answer your question, the impact on the family "he might've left" would be devastating; and you would catch the brunt of it from the very beginning. Your 'boyfriend' has no clue as to how he'd feel once he left, and once the guilt, remorse and the wrath of the ex- sets in....well, you'll have much more than you bargained for to deal with...and I do NOT think you'll like it.
Believe me, no matter what you two 'dream about together', the reality
will be a far cry from those dreams. I know it stinks, but I'm telling
you not only from experience (as the 'other woman' and as one of the children
who were left behind when their own father found himself 'another woman'...)...I
know what I'm talking about. Cut your losses and move on. 40
is great; and
there's plenty PLENTY of opportunities out there that are more well-suited
to the kind of life that you're probably looking for.
Hope you understand that i'm not trying to be cruel, ok?
Paige
______________________
Hello everyone. I have spent the last 2 days reading this entire WebSite, trying to make heads or tails of my current situation. It is a little different but I figured I'd give it a whirl to see if anyone could identify it.
1 1/2 years ago, I met Bob. I was separated for 3 years at the time,
(due to lack of finances, I had been waiting for divorce papers from him,
thinking I would just sign them...) Bob had just finalized his divorce
and I told him, I would be grabbing the bull by the horns myself if I didn't
hear from my ex- soon. I have 2 children, now 4 and 6. Bob has 3, 8-10-16.
I hate to sound so dramatic, however, if there was a more perfect relationship
out there, I wouldn't believe it. He and I come from the same mold. We
fell madly in love and he decided to take on me and my kids. He wanted
me to move out of the house I was renting with my kids because we felt
it was a bit small and his kids would come on the weekends.. We rented
a big beautiful house and became an instant family. I do not want to get
into too much detail about certain things in fear of possibly offending
people, however..When Bob and I were not with our children, (mine were
with their Dad alot also), it was just he and I and the love we had for
oneanother in complete awe for oneanother. He works for the Sheriffs Dep't
and his job was stagnating, I had encouraged him to go for the investigators
position. He finally went for it, and got it. He is now as handsome as
always, but instead of his uniform, he wears a suit everyday and he is
in charge of the Gang Intelligence Unit, and very much in demand.
He has said, if it weren't for me, he would not be where he is right
now. I love that he is finally able to use a little more of his brain at
work because he was truly in a rut. Well, that is when it all began.
He will be 40 in July, bought the red sports car 1 1/2 years ago after
he moved out of his house away from his wife and kids..devastated I might
add) He dated a few women before he met me and he said, at the time, he
never felt like this, he
has never been with someone so beautiful, intelligent, witty, and NEVER
had a more equal relationship. What can I say, things were perfect. 1 day
before my Birthday, in May..he told me we were not re-signing the lease
which was up in June. I was devastated, as this hit me from left field,
at the end of yet another perfect evening. He said he loves me, but is
not in love with me. He said he needs time, to take a step back and see
what we were all about, he needs his space. He said he took on me and my
kids, and he felt guilty acting as tho his were dead. He wanted to focus
on what he wants and his kids. He said his job is his number one priority
right now, he is finally where he has always wanted to be and it is his
time to make his mark. Well, let me just try to brief you on the last month
of my living hell of living here with him through this break up. He moved
into the spare room, ANGRY to me all the time, not coming home till all
hours of the night, (drunk) I have poked, and prodded, even at 3AM when
he walked in, trying to find answers, he keeps telling me, he doesn't know
what he wants, and sometimes he has told me to leave him the @%*& alone.
After I endure that pain, I page him at work, he ALWAYS calls back and
I have to say, 5 times in the last month when I asked him if we could go
to dinner or something, he just said yes, he would like that. We would
have the best time, and talk a little bit about the situation and I could
see the pain in his eyes.
He just keeps saying, he is not letting go, he does not want to cut
all ties, he just needs space and time. I have been in complete denial
but agree with him, and offer to support his decision. When we are on a
good note, it does end up in bed and we do move the earth. Here is the
kicker...For 4 months, a trip was planned for my sisters, nephews and Mother
to come to NY and stay with me for a week and meet Bob. They all know the
situation, us breaking up, and me having to pack and be out by the end
of the month but I told them they better come anyway, I needed them here.
Bob told me when they got here, he wanted to meet them and spend time with
me and them. We all went out to dinner, and my family loved him..Not happy
about the situation, but, I guess Mom understands what Bob said the reason
for all of this was...I have not been his girlfriend, I have
been Jimmys wife, a dollar short and a day late. (Mom gave me the money
to divorce Jim 1 month ago when this all started and I will be divorced
in 3 months) This doesn't seem to be the reason for any of this anymore...who
knows. Anyway, Bob has been very compassionate when not ANGRY, and I know
he feels bad. On Sunday, my family was leaving and so was Bob, he was going
to a conference in Baltimore. I had to take Mom and sisters to the airport,
and I knew when I returned, Bob would have already left. I am here this
week, packing up everything I have and will be out Friday before he gets
back. Then he will have to come get the rest of his stuff and Friday will
be our first night in our new apartments, separate. So yes, we said our
good-byes in the driveway on Sunday after a very special weekend. He cried
like a baby!!! So did I, I told him I love him, I told him I would miss
him, he said it all back to me..He said he wasn't moving to Africa, and
he wanted my number, I cried more, we were hugging this whole time..I told
him not to worry about the house, I would take care of everything while
he was gone, and to go to the conference, and play lots of golf and enjoy
the week. He said OK..I also asked him not to let go, he looked me in the
eye and said OK. Needless to say, I am having a heartwrenching week. He
called when he got to Baltimore to let me know he made it there..told me
about his room and said he was going to eat, I said OK, he said..I'll talk
to you. I said Bye.
That was it. I am not sure what to do, he said he wants to casually
date me, but I will not be his whore and he said I wont be. I told
him if he wanted time and space he could have it, but I wouldn't condone
him seeing other women, he said he was not
looking for that but if it came about, he didn't want restrictions.
Am I wrong for wanting to give him time and space but requesting sex and
companionship will have to be with me? Aside of all of the complications
right now, once eliminated, we are nothing short of perfect, I am confident
he agrees...Will I push him away if I let him have his cake and eat it
too showing him my values are not what he had always known? Please tell
me, when I move into my own place, do I call him back when he calls? Be
at his disposal? What do men in MLC REALLY WANT? Support or independence?
I know we are worth saving, I just need to know how to go about it. Please
help me understand this confusion. I wrote this poem for him I wanted to
share with other women going through what I am. I hope they enjoy it.
Suze
______________________
Dear all you MLC's
Get help, you are destroying families! My husband and I have been
together for 11 years and married for 8. He is 36 and I 32.
We have 2 small children ages 2 & 4 who really need their Dad.
He too came home one day out of the blue and said I don't love you anymore
and don't want to be married. We live in a nice house and have many
nice things, but said having children ruined our marriage. I should have
saw all the signs of a MLC, new clothes, the gym, BMW, hiding credit card
statements and the self-centeredness. For the past two years he wasted
away in a recliner or was on the road traveling. Our relationship
grew apart because of it. I found out later he was having an affair
and it wasn't the first. He packed up in February and got a
new job in another state to be closer to the OW. She is the same
age as me with 2 children the same ages as mine. She is also going
through a divorce. My husband only sees his kids every 7-9 weeks.
They are the ones suffering. He is
missing out on the best years of their lives. It is very difficult
raising two small children alone. I do miss him and wished we could
have worked it out. During the past two years I knew things were
going bad and suggested counseling several times, but he constantly told
me there was nothing wrong in our marriage and that he loved me very much.
Then he suggested counseling after he told me he wanted out, but then said
a counselor couldn't make him love me. I suppose that's true.
I can also tell you that I am not overweight and keep up with my appearance,
so it wasn't like I let myself "go". I just wish woman can get inside
a guys head and try to understand where this all comes from and why
when it happens it's always too late to do something? Why can't they
let us woman know our relationship needs some help before it's too late?
I guess it has to do with a man asking for directions. Anyway, I
know something good has to be coming my way, after this living hell I know
I deserve it, as do all the other woman going through this.
GM
______________________
Hi!!
In all of life we all have our moments..but, when the sands of
our lifetime seem to be dwindling down to the end...we start looking back
at what we did with our lives. All too often, it seems, we have inevitably
disappointed ourselves. There are many reasons for this..and, mainly
we get stuck on the idea that it was "somebody" else's fault..i.e. spouses
via marriage, children, friends, career, religion..or the lack thereof.
When in reality the REAL REASON for any kind of crisis is a lack of an
inner peace and tranquility. It took me many years to find out how
to obtain that peace and surprisingly it came in such an innocent way.
Basically I literally threw out some stuff I had heard all my life about
God. Not every knowledge I had, but, I got down to a humble heart
and I started "talking" to Him every day. I knew that Jesus was with me
all my life..and, I knew that I believed in Him and I desired to become
closer to Him. But, as with everything else in my life..church was
a disaster, also. It was then that I stopped "going" to church
and started on a path of "relationship" with Jesus. The most awesome
thing happened to me..and my journey continues on a note of the incredible.
You see...it doesn't matter about your age..it doesn't matter who did what
to who..it doesn't matter about your career, your finances..Nothing is
to be put ahead of Christ in our lives. Once we put him in the position
of being our ALL AND ALL...Then He shines His wonderful Light of unconditional
love into our hearts and everyone sees the NEW YOU. It's impossible
to hide it.. For it's impossible to hide God..just like it's
impossible to ignore the sky above.
You may be in mid life crisis..but, you do not have to be. Ask Jesus into your heart and ask Him to show you His Presence. He accepts all of us as we are right this moment...whether it be a midlife moment or a moment of another era. Jesus never changes..He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.. And, Jesus is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE..sent with a mercy and a grace that encompasses ALL .. All you have to do is ask..for He is a gentle man and He will not force anyone to do what they do not desire to do in their heart.
PEACE and JOY
Lori =)
______________________
Hello Everyone,
This is a great service and it is helping me and scaring me at the same
time, as I see what is ahead. I feel like I'm on a raft in the ocean,
and I am at the mercy of the ocean (my husband - who lately doesn't have
a clue). After coming to the realization that we won't be able to
naturally have kids last year, my husband started to subtly change.
He was suddenly interested in contact lenses and took a little more care
in his clothes. At new years he told me it was the "Era of ____ (insert
his name)" (Pretty
selfish, huh?). This year he starts fights over stupid things
(when I have no desire to fight) and then tells me I'm pushing him away.
When I told him that I was the same person I've always been (stable) -
he finally agreed that he was probably going through a mid-life crisis.
He's been working out, been on a diet (the first of his life) - he's almost
anorexic in comparison to what he used to eat. He started wearing
that cologne I got him years ago. Irons and coordinates his clothes.
He even tans now and asked me about getting wrinkle cream!! In a
way it would be easier if he had died (don't get me wrong, I don't want
him to die - it's just what he's doing to us, right in front of me every
day that's so painful). He says he loves me, sends me flowers because
he feels so guilty about how he is hurting me, then tells me I'm doing
everything wrong again (more mixed
messages). He's not cheating - yet. But he's never worked
this hard to be attractive before either, so he's gearing up for it.
And get this - he listens to that hip hop crap that 20 somethings listen
to and he LOVES to watch the home shopping channel for the jewelry (why??).
He's 41. (Yes, he turned 40 last year!). I'm 39. We've been together for 17 years.
TO KELLY - You seem to be right on the money! You go Girl! Got any advice for me?
TO SO - I feel sorry for you, you probably are a nice person - but you
really pissed me off too. What an attitude you have, thinking the
wife is some pathetic slob who asked for her husband to freak out.
You obviously have never been married, as marriage is compromise between
two people. And what if you wait for him to leave his wife, and he
actually marries you.
Do you think he won't eventually blame all his problems on you too???
- HK
______________________
To Carol, Nathalie, and everyone else!
There is calm after the torrential storm called mlc. Yes, you do take forward steps and then find that you have taken two backward steps. Please try to focus on yourself and I know that probably most of us fall in the category as caregivers/nurturers which makes this task a very awkward one. Oh how I wish I could make the journey a less terrorizing one for all of you.....My exhusband began behaving erratically in October of 1999. So it has been almost 3 years. He had told me he had negative feelings about us for a year before, so I guess that would be about four years now. He began having his affair on his lunch hour as he would come home on time every evening. In a year and a half I had lost my mom, my dad had been diagnosed with a brain tumor, and I was planning a wedding (our daughter's) for 300 people! Looking back I must say, I probably wasn't there for him like a should have been. However, and this is a big however, I now know through all of the devestation, it was he who was not there for me. What was more devestating.....my mom's death?....my dad's diagnosis....or unknowingly trying to keep him "up", happy, and making sure his needs were being met. Believe you me....the last one did me in (almost...I survived!)
Life is good now. I've learned to be happy....alone....I am closer to the Lord.....I have a wonderful family.......a profession that is a blessing...My ex has a new wife (the ow) , his fifth job in a year, no money, financially strapped, and a drinking problem. What do I say? May the good Lord lift him and his new wife up and show them the way .......Please know that I will pray for each one of you and know that I had prayed so hard at the beginning....I prayed for my husband to see the light and to come back to work on "us." I did not realize until a year ago that I had been saying the wrong prayer....It should have been, "Lord, let your will be done, and give me the strength to accept it."
Life can and will become brighter for each one of you....take care JB
______________________
To LM, Kelly, and everyone who is hurting........
I want to preface this by saying that I am "hard headed." I spent the first year of devestation with praying to the Lord to send my husband back so we could work on our lives.
It took me a VERY long time to realize that I was praying incorrectly.
I then began my prayers with..."Let the Lord's will be done." I learned
to put myself in the Lord's hands and prayed that good should come from
all of the hurt. My grown children witnessed my heartache and were
there for me. I hope they learned to never stray from their spouses as
they had front row
seats on what happens to the one left behine. JUST REMEMBER....UNANSWERED
PRAYERS can often be the best prayers of all....
Thank you Kelly for your note of encouragement. It has been eighteen months since my husband left and he has since married the OW. As I said before, "May the good Lord guide them in the right direction." Please know everyone who is HURTING that TIME is the healer.
I have my first date in the near future. I am so glad I did not start to date again until I learned how to be happy "alone." I had never focused on myself until this past year and I know that God has something special planned for me and all of you who have hurt for such a long time.
Please know that my heart aches for each one of you. You sound so like I felt at the beginning. I remember saying, " He dumped me like a bag of old trash." Yes, that is how I felt and like you my self esteem plummeted. Pick yourself up, brush off, join a gym and be the best person you can possibly be. May God Bless Each one of you!!!
JB and definitely getting better..........
__________________________
 |
You may visit with me and other guests of Best Years 24 hours per dayat Friends of Best Years. Click herefor a free trial. |
July 30, 2001
we were marrie 50 yrs. husband was 49 and met a twenty seven yr old. he thought it would keep him young to be with her. it was like a high for him. it tre me apart. still does. i attempted suicide. he says do it if you want but dont let our son find you . he then left for work. he saya he didnt do anything wrong. he has described her body to me . there were secret phone calls or so he thinks. i cant get passed the hurt and betrayal. can you help?
CH
______________________
LAS,
I am in a similar situation except it was my wife that had the affair
and left. I am 52. she is 42. We are married for 17 years
with two boys (16 and 13). I am retired from the military and we
moved back close to her parents. I had an heart attack and a triple
bypass 12 years ago. I have been diagnosed with Erection Dysfunction
(ED) and have tried everything except an implant (both of our choice).
I also have been diagnosed with Sleep Apnea, which requires me to wear
a mask while sleeping. That had caused our sex life to come to a
complete halt. I feel that was a big part of our problem.
We had been living like brother and sisters for a couple of years.
We did everything together and had our boys and family as our first
priority. After my retirement from the military
we put her career first which we both wanted.
We had a lot of stress in our lives for the last couple years, from
our oldest son having undiagnosed heart problems to large problems with
our home.
About a year ago I noticed my wife acting different and being depressed.
She does some traveling in her work and she started staying over weekends
and calling people at all hours of the day. Things she never did
before. She also started wearing alot of rings and had her nails
done. There were other things that I now feel was cry for help.
They were signs that she was having an affair. I over looked them
hoping she would talk about it. She just got more and more depressed
and didn't talk about anything. Last Jan. she just up and told
me she was leaving. She told me about the affair and that she wanted
to leave. Her friend had lived in Mississippi. He had moved
up here in Maryland and had a job at the same place she worked. We
had did a lot of talking and crying and she say she could not leave.
She told him and I though he had left back to Mississippi (He is
still married). From Jan until Mar she stay at home but didn't
not want to talk about it. She was sti!
ll acting funny and I would question her on things. W started
fighting. I wanted to go to counseling but she said the problems
was I didn't trust her. Our son had a heart incident in March.
It was her day off and I tried to get a hold of her to help our son.
I pick him up and was heading home to get her and take him to the doctor.
When I got home her clothes were gone and a letter to me said she had left.
We didn't know where she was but she called and talked to the boys.
She don't want to talk about anything and just wanted to leave. She
said the boys would get over her leaving. It was terrible.
I found out he never left and took the job where she works.
We leave in a small rural town real close to her parents. She got an apartment
about a mile from us. I helped he get stuff for her apartment and
helped her move in. I was hoping that she would be willing to try
and work on our marriage. I tried to talk to her. I tried to
explain how this was effecting ou!
r boys, how this was going to effect our finances,
I tried everythin
g. I have tried everything and it just pushes her further and
further away. She had her boy friend stay with her. This stopped
the boys from wanting to go over to her apartment (they want nothing to
do with him). I told her that is was wrong so her answer was for
her to stay at his place.
I have told her that I love her and understand her affair. That
I was also to blame. I know how the lack of intimacy effected our
marriage. I feel that is easy to fix.
We just need to want to try and fix our marriage. She doesn't
want to talk about anything. She has lead me to believe that
it is nothing that I did. That it is her.
By not talking I have no idea really what happened. I have
tried everything, good and bad. Nothing seems to get her to want
to work on our marriage. I feel her living with this guy, (we are
still married and he is still married) is totally wrong. She is setting
a bad example for the boys and I told her so. She just doen't care.
he family agrees with me but will not tell her anything out of fear that
she will stop seeing them. Her actions are so out of character
for her. She doesn't think anything out and just reacted to
things as they happen.
I have tried everything and all the expert tell me to just move on. Leave her alone and take care of myself and the boys. That I can't change her mind, she will have to want to come back. I understand but it is hard. I just want to retaliate to make her understand what she is doing is wrong. That it is against all the things we had taught the boys. That she is being a bad role model. I have bent over backward making it easier for her to see the boys. I get mad because I have made it easier for her to do this. I pray and hope she will come home. I understand that she was unhappy with the marriage but she didn't let me know. I know this sound bad but I didn't know she was unhappy. She just didn't talk about it.
A lot of my pain is knowing that she is hurting herself. She told me a little about him and he is totally different from what she likes in a person. People that have seen him say he is the exact opposite of me. I think she is trying to punish her self for the affair. I told her that I understand the affair. We both were at fault there. He took advantage of her when she was hurting in her marriage. If he really cared for her he would have been happy if she was trying to fix her marriage. He doesn't care about her otherwise he would have divorced his wife before he moved up here. He had work in a different town from where he lived. He had a apartment during the week and went home on weekends. All this stuff add up to a bad relationship. That if they really cared they would have ended her relationship with me before the continued with theirs. Most relationship started from a affair don't last. They are not built on trust to began with.
I can understand and accept our marriage coming to an end. It is not want I want but if we tried to work things out and it just doen't work then it is best that we do end it. I have a tough time with her just walking out and not even trying to work things out. Leaving the boys. If our marriage is at an end she is the best one to be with the boys. We live near her family it would be cheaper and easier for me to move out. She has a more secure job. Everything points to her being confused. I think she is so depressed that she can't reason right. She is going through a MLC. I hope and pray that she will get over this I just hope it is not too late for the boys.
ATAAPS
______________________
hello,
From the looks of this topic, that
I'm not the only one that is dealing with this with their husbands. I have
been trying to look up answer's from the library, hoping that there is
a reason for this act of moods swings, or the blaming, or I'm always in
the wrong to him. Then, I've been beginning to wonder, was it really me,am
I the problem? Is there something wrong with me? It seems know matter what
I do, is not good enough, even though I've tried everything under the moon,
to make him happy.
Sometimes, he can be so immature, yet, there's times he can be so,
serious, and romantic, and the best friend I used to have. He said it's
me that 's changing, .. I'm always the one that's changing, for the worst.,
or he just excepts me , but, it doesn't seem good enough. I wonder , at
times, if it's the'' MAN THING'', is that really acceptable, for the excuse,
of what the things he says or does sometimes.? I don't want to break this
macho thing he has, because that's him, his generation. I'm not perfect,
either, but, it would be nice to hear, nice comments more often, or respect,
that he can show that he 's proud that we're husband and wife. How long
does this last? Do they ever find their true happiness again,he seems stressed,
confused, and my family and I feel the same way. I want him to be able
to enjoy life, and to know that he is loved by us, and that he's
still attractive to me.
How does a wife get through this with her spouse? I love my husband
, and I don't want to lose the passion we once had. What can I DO?
K-SHORTY
P.S . he's not abusive, just confused and saddened and I hate to see him go through this alone if I don't know how to be close to him, or to help him.
______________________
I use to work as a clinical therapist that was about 5 yrs. ago.
It was a career that I loved but what happened and why I'm not there now
is that the large outpatient mental health facility that I worked at decided
that they would take all of their master level therapist and force them
to do case management. I did not want to do case management.
I was licensed to do counseling. I might add that I got licensed
(at great cost and time) at the urgence of that same mental health facility
because they had
told me previously that they wanted me to do counseling. I later
was offered a job in a different line of work at a different company in
Nashville. I accepted the offer but I was required to start training
one week later. So I gave the mental health center a weeks notice.
I also offered to come in after my other job training to do any left over
paperwork but the mental health center refused to let me do this.
I have tried to get other counseling jobs throughout the State of Tennessee but have not been able to as it seems that the mental health center has blackballed me. In addition, that center is now a part of a larger mental health network in the area where I live and that larger corporation will also not hire me.
All of this has drastically changed my lifestyle. Now I find that I have to do jobs that I use to do as a teenager and I also make half the money that I use to make. It seems like my degree's, education and experience have been made worthless.
FRUSTRATED
______________________
Patience is a virtue........let that cliche be your guide through all of your spouse's trials and tribulations....
After almost four years of hell, I am finally getting my life back in order. It took me eighteen months to learn how to make my own self happy and to focus on me for the first time of my life. I no longer have the burden of pulling someone else up from the depths of despair. I want to say that my ex did not want me or anything to do with his "previous" life, so I had no other alternative but to focus on my career, maintaining a huge home and finding healthy ways to comfort myself. He really discarded me as you would trash, so it was very hard to come to the conclusion that HE had the problem, not me..........
I just finished a whirlwind week with a lovely man that I have known since high school. He came back home to visit his two grown girls and to get to know me. He opened the door for me, held my hand, laughed and cried with me, and we had wonderful discussions with each other. So you see......those of you who are at the beginning of this journey...please know that I pray for you and wish you well. May God see you through this horrendous malady and know that I will be praying for each one of you.
I have sold the home and plan to build another one. I will be
moving within the next month and will relocate into a lovely apartment.
My mindset will be that this will be a new beginning for me. Living
in an apartment will be a mini vacation for me. Just think....no
mowing and vacumning a pool!!!!! So hang tight every one. Know that
times will be getting better and learn
how to like yourself !!!!!!!!
Getting better and thanking the good Lord everyday,,,JB
Click here to view my policies for responding or here to respond to something on this page. Please type "midlife crisis" in the subject box ofyour e-mail editor.