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Forum:The Midlife Crisis
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|Midlife Crisis Forum 2001|
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|July 1, 2001
Dear all you MLC's
Get help, you are destroying families! My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 8. He is 36 and I 32. We have 2 small children ages 2 & 4 who really need their Dad. He too came home one day out of the blue and said I don't love you anymore and don't wantto be married. We live in a nice house and have many nice things, butsaid having children ruined our marriage. I should have saw all the signs of a MLC, new clothes, the gym, BMW, hiding credit card tatements and the self-centeredness. For the past two years he wasted away in a recliner or was on the road traveling. Our relationship grew apart because of it. I found out later he was having an affair and it wasn't the first. He packed up in February and got a new job in another state to be closer to the OW. She is the same age as me with 2 children the same ages as mine. She is also going through a divorce. My husband only sees his kids every 7-9 weeks. They are the ones suffering. He is missing out on the best years of their lives. It is very difficult raising two small children alone. I do miss him and wished we could have worked it out. During the past two years I knew things were going bad and suggested counseling several times, but he constantly told me there was nothing wrong in our marriage and that he loved me very much. Then he suggested counseling after he told me he wanted out, but then said a counselor couldn't make him love me. I suppose that's true. I can also tell you that I am not overweight and keep up with my appearance, so it wasn't like I let myself "go". I just wish woman can get inside a guys head and try to understand where this all comes from and why when it happens it's always too late to do something? Why can't they let us woman know our relationship needs some help before it's too late? I guess it has to do with a man asking for directions.
Anyway, I know something good has to be coming my way, after this living hell I know I deserve it, as do all the other woman going through this.
He keeps holding the past against me, never letting it go. Also, he's
a day dreamer about sailing. He dreams and dreams and dreams, but never
gets on a boat. What's up with that? When I was 9 months pregnant I said
let's go get you a boat and we did. It's been sitting on shore for over
a year. He keeps saying he can't figure out how to anchor it, dock it etc.
Analysis is paralysis, and he has brought this non-action to our life for
so long. It's like he figures once he gets it in the water he will have
to sail it and he isn't sure he can. He blames me for not supporting his
sailing, and gee, I sat on the shore of a lake for weeks while he took
sailing lessons. Anything he has boat-related is what I bought him. Believe
me, I have supported it, but it's almost like
It's not a one time thing for him, though. He lives his life like this,
and is always in a constant limbo, and I'm there with him and I can't stand
it. I need to live. I can't believe in one of your columns you quote Thoreau
saying and "not when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." I've
said that to myself 5,000 times over the years, and if I die tomorrow,
I haven't lived.
IT IS A MEASURE OF MY STRENGTH AND LOVE THAT KEEPS ME PRAYING AND HOPING MY WIFE COMES TO HER SENSES. AFTER 17 YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND TWO CHILDREN, SHE STARTED HER JOURNEY, HER TRANSITION THREE YEARS AGO THIS AUG 18. IT IS AN ANNIVERSARY DATE OF PAIN...NO JOY HERE WITH HER CONSTANT SEARCH FOR HER SOUL MATE. IN THE MEANTIME, I REMAIN AT HOME WITH OUR TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN. MY WIFE OCCUPYS SPACE IN THE SPARE ROOM. BOTH KIDS ARE AWARE OF MOM'S LOSS OF LOVE FOR DAD. THEY DO NOT KNOW THE REAL REASON BUT THEY KNOW MOM AND DAD ARE NOT AN ITEM.
MY WIFES' SOUL MATE AT HER PLACE OF WORK IS A GAY PEER WHO I STRONLY
FEEL IS UNAWARE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THE HOMEFRONT. MY WIFE AND
I TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING EXCEPT OUR RELATIONSHIP. WHEN IT IS TALKED
ABOUT, IT IS WITH ANGER AND MOOD CHANGES THAT SHE TRANSFERS HER ANGER TO
ME. I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP, I JUST KNOW THAT I CANNOT CHANGE HER.
ARGUING IS USELESS. MY SOUL REBUTTAL TO HER IS THAT SHE MUST BE RESPONSIBILITIES
IN RETURNING TO YOUR SITE OVER THESE PAST YEARS, I NOTE THAT THINGS HAVE NOT CHANGED MUCH. MOST PEOPLE IN MIDLIFE CRISIS ARE SO SELFISH, SELF CENTERED, OBNOXIOUS AND ANGRY. ONE CANNOT FIGHT THIS AS I DO NOT THINK THESE PEOPLE ARE ACTING RATIONALLY. ONE BIT OF ADVICE I CAN GIVE THOSE WHO ARE ON THE SIDE AND WATCHING THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS, LOOK AFTER YOURSELF AND ESPEICALLY YOUR CHILDREN. YOU NEED TO BE STRONG AND MENTALLY/PHYSICALLY ALERT
Hi everyone, I'm 35 years old, going thru a divorce and new to this forum and I'm really glad I found it. I've been going crazy wondering why my husband (35 years old) of almost 7 years decided "he didn't love me anymore". And this was told to me 6 weeks after our youngest was born . I'm a stay at home mom and we have three children, 2 boys age 6 and 3, and a girl, (first girl born on his side of the family after 10 boys!), 9 months old. Our daughter, as with our sons, was a planned pregnancy. We were reading a book on "how to choose the sex of your baby" just to see if we could "try" for that girl and when we found out from the ultrasound she was a girl, we were both stunned and elated!
During my pregnancy, his job was changing in the company and I know
he was really stressed about it. Then we have our third child and
like I said 6 weeks later "I don't know if I love you anymore". And
since then it's gone downhill. We tried counseling 4 times and he
didn't want to do it anymore. He moved out April 1, 2001 and is living
with his dad. I was devastated and
So I guess what I'm getting at is, even though I didn't expect MLC to
happen so soon, I'm assuming it is happening. He doesn't seem to
care about what he's done and at the visitation mediation claimed that
our kids were "adapting" to the divorce. Well, he has witnessed our
boys crying, when we do the visitation transition, but it doesn't faze
him. He is not the person I married, it's like someone evil has possessed
his body.I'm hurt and confused and I know I need to move on but when I
I do have support from my friends and family. I've been seeing a therapist once a week and on anti-depressants. Our boys will be attending a 6 week workshop for kids on divorce so I hope this helps them. I'm crying right now because they are just TOO YOUNG to have to go thru this, especially my youngest.
If you have any advice for me, please share.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I truly believe that he will never leave his wife, no matter what he says.
He may want to, but he won't.
And to answer your question, the impact on the family "he might've left" would be devastating; and you would catch the brunt of it from the very beginning. Your 'boyfriend' has no clue as to how he'd feel once he left, and once the guilt, remorse and the wrath of the ex- sets in....well, you'll have much more than you bargained for to deal with...and I do NOT think you'll like it.
Believe me, no matter what you two 'dream about together', the reality
will be a far cry from those dreams. I know it stinks, but I'm telling
you not only from experience (as the 'other woman' and as one of the children
who were left behind when their own father found himself 'another woman'...)...I
know what I'm talking about. Cut your losses and move on. 40
is great; and
Hope you understand that i'm not trying to be cruel, ok?
Hello everyone. I have spent the last 2 days reading this entire WebSite, trying to make heads or tails of my current situation. It is a little different but I figured I'd give it a whirl to see if anyone could identify it.
1 1/2 years ago, I met Bob. I was separated for 3 years at the time,
(due to lack of finances, I had been waiting for divorce papers from him,
thinking I would just sign them...) Bob had just finalized his divorce
and I told him, I would be grabbing the bull by the horns myself if I didn't
hear from my ex- soon. I have 2 children, now 4 and 6. Bob has 3, 8-10-16.
I hate to sound so dramatic, however, if there was a more perfect relationship
out there, I wouldn't believe it. He and I come from the same mold. We
fell madly in love and he decided to take on me and my kids. He wanted
me to move out of the house I was renting with my kids because we felt
it was a bit small and his kids would come on the weekends.. We rented
a big beautiful house and became an instant family. I do not want to get
into too much detail about certain things in fear of possibly offending
people, however..When Bob and I were not with our children, (mine were
with their Dad alot also), it was just he and I and the love we had for
oneanother in complete awe for oneanother. He works for the Sheriffs Dep't
and his job was stagnating, I had encouraged him to go for the investigators
position. He finally went for it, and got it. He is now as handsome as
always, but instead of his uniform, he wears a suit everyday and he is
in charge of the Gang Intelligence Unit, and very much in demand.
He will be 40 in July, bought the red sports car 1 1/2 years ago after
he moved out of his house away from his wife and kids..devastated I might
add) He dated a few women before he met me and he said, at the time, he
never felt like this, he
He just keeps saying, he is not letting go, he does not want to cut
all ties, he just needs space and time. I have been in complete denial
but agree with him, and offer to support his decision. When we are on a
good note, it does end up in bed and we do move the earth. Here is the
kicker...For 4 months, a trip was planned for my sisters, nephews and Mother
to come to NY and stay with me for a week and meet Bob. They all know the
situation, us breaking up, and me having to pack and be out by the end
of the month but I told them they better come anyway, I needed them here.
Bob told me when they got here, he wanted to meet them and spend time with
me and them. We all went out to dinner, and my family loved him..Not happy
about the situation, but, I guess Mom understands what Bob said the reason
for all of this was...I have not been his girlfriend, I have
That was it. I am not sure what to do, he said he wants to casually
date me, but I will not be his whore and he said I wont be. I told
him if he wanted time and space he could have it, but I wouldn't condone
him seeing other women, he said he was not
Dear all you MLC's
Get help, you are destroying families! My husband and I have been
together for 11 years and married for 8. He is 36 and I 32.
We have 2 small children ages 2 & 4 who really need their Dad.
He too came home one day out of the blue and said I don't love you anymore
and don't want to be married. We live in a nice house and have many
nice things, but said having children ruined our marriage. I should have
saw all the signs of a MLC, new clothes, the gym, BMW, hiding credit card
statements and the self-centeredness. For the past two years he wasted
away in a recliner or was on the road traveling. Our relationship
grew apart because of it. I found out later he was having an affair
and it wasn't the first. He packed up in February and got a
new job in another state to be closer to the OW. She is the same
age as me with 2 children the same ages as mine. She is also going
through a divorce. My husband only sees his kids every 7-9 weeks.
They are the ones suffering. He is
In all of life we all have our moments..but, when the sands of
our lifetime seem to be dwindling down to the end...we start looking back
at what we did with our lives. All too often, it seems, we have inevitably
disappointed ourselves. There are many reasons for this..and, mainly
we get stuck on the idea that it was "somebody" else's fault..i.e. spouses
via marriage, children, friends, career, religion..or the lack thereof.
When in reality the REAL REASON for any kind of crisis is a lack of an
inner peace and tranquility. It took me many years to find out how
to obtain that peace and surprisingly it came in such an innocent way.
Basically I literally threw out some stuff I had heard all my life about
God. Not every knowledge I had, but, I got down to a humble heart
and I started "talking" to Him every day. I knew that Jesus was with me
all my life..and, I knew that I believed in Him and I desired to become
closer to Him. But, as with everything else in my life..church was
a disaster, also. It was then that I stopped "going" to church
and started on a path of "relationship" with Jesus. The most awesome
thing happened to me..and my journey continues on a note of the incredible.
You see...it doesn't matter about your age..it doesn't matter who did what
to who..it doesn't matter about your career, your finances..Nothing is
to be put ahead of Christ in our lives. Once we put him in the position
of being our ALL AND ALL...Then He shines His wonderful Light of unconditional
love into our hearts and everyone sees the NEW YOU. It's impossible
to hide it.. For it's impossible to hide God..just like it's
You may be in mid life crisis..but, you do not have to be. Ask Jesus into your heart and ask Him to show you His Presence. He accepts all of us as we are right this moment...whether it be a midlife moment or a moment of another era. Jesus never changes..He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.. And, Jesus is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE..sent with a mercy and a grace that encompasses ALL .. All you have to do is ask..for He is a gentle man and He will not force anyone to do what they do not desire to do in their heart.
PEACE and JOY
This is a great service and it is helping me and scaring me at the same
time, as I see what is ahead. I feel like I'm on a raft in the ocean,
and I am at the mercy of the ocean (my husband - who lately doesn't have
a clue). After coming to the realization that we won't be able to
naturally have kids last year, my husband started to subtly change.
He was suddenly interested in contact lenses and took a little more care
in his clothes. At new years he told me it was the "Era of ____ (insert
his name)" (Pretty
He's 41. (Yes, he turned 40 last year!). I'm 39. We've been together for 17 years.
TO KELLY - You seem to be right on the money! You go Girl! Got any advice for me?
TO SO - I feel sorry for you, you probably are a nice person - but you
really pissed me off too. What an attitude you have, thinking the
wife is some pathetic slob who asked for her husband to freak out.
You obviously have never been married, as marriage is compromise between
two people. And what if you wait for him to leave his wife, and he
actually marries you.
To Carol, Nathalie, and everyone else!
There is calm after the torrential storm called mlc. Yes, you do take forward steps and then find that you have taken two backward steps. Please try to focus on yourself and I know that probably most of us fall in the category as caregivers/nurturers which makes this task a very awkward one. Oh how I wish I could make the journey a less terrorizing one for all of you.....My exhusband began behaving erratically in October of 1999. So it has been almost 3 years. He had told me he had negative feelings about us for a year before, so I guess that would be about four years now. He began having his affair on his lunch hour as he would come home on time every evening. In a year and a half I had lost my mom, my dad had been diagnosed with a brain tumor, and I was planning a wedding (our daughter's) for 300 people! Looking back I must say, I probably wasn't there for him like a should have been. However, and this is a big however, I now know through all of the devestation, it was he who was not there for me. What was more devestating.....my mom's death?....my dad's diagnosis....or unknowingly trying to keep him "up", happy, and making sure his needs were being met. Believe you me....the last one did me in (almost...I survived!)
Life is good now. I've learned to be happy....alone....I am closer to the Lord.....I have a wonderful family.......a profession that is a blessing...My ex has a new wife (the ow) , his fifth job in a year, no money, financially strapped, and a drinking problem. What do I say? May the good Lord lift him and his new wife up and show them the way .......Please know that I will pray for each one of you and know that I had prayed so hard at the beginning....I prayed for my husband to see the light and to come back to work on "us." I did not realize until a year ago that I had been saying the wrong prayer....It should have been, "Lord, let your will be done, and give me the strength to accept it."
Life can and will become brighter for each one of you....take care JB
To LM, Kelly, and everyone who is hurting........
I want to preface this by saying that I am "hard headed." I spent the first year of devestation with praying to the Lord to send my husband back so we could work on our lives.
It took me a VERY long time to realize that I was praying incorrectly.
I then began my prayers with..."Let the Lord's will be done." I learned
to put myself in the Lord's hands and prayed that good should come from
all of the hurt. My grown children witnessed my heartache and were
there for me. I hope they learned to never stray from their spouses as
they had front row
Thank you Kelly for your note of encouragement. It has been eighteen months since my husband left and he has since married the OW. As I said before, "May the good Lord guide them in the right direction." Please know everyone who is HURTING that TIME is the healer.
I have my first date in the near future. I am so glad I did not start to date again until I learned how to be happy "alone." I had never focused on myself until this past year and I know that God has something special planned for me and all of you who have hurt for such a long time.
Please know that my heart aches for each one of you. You sound so like I felt at the beginning. I remember saying, " He dumped me like a bag of old trash." Yes, that is how I felt and like you my self esteem plummeted. Pick yourself up, brush off, join a gym and be the best person you can possibly be. May God Bless Each one of you!!!
JB and definitely getting better..........
July 30, 2001
we were marrie 50 yrs. husband was 49 and met a twenty seven yr old. he thought it would keep him young to be with her. it was like a high for him. it tre me apart. still does. i attempted suicide. he says do it if you want but dont let our son find you . he then left for work. he saya he didnt do anything wrong. he has described her body to me . there were secret phone calls or so he thinks. i cant get passed the hurt and betrayal. can you help?
I am in a similar situation except it was my wife that had the affair
and left. I am 52. she is 42. We are married for 17 years
with two boys (16 and 13). I am retired from the military and we
moved back close to her parents. I had an heart attack and a triple
bypass 12 years ago. I have been diagnosed with Erection Dysfunction
(ED) and have tried everything except an implant (both of our choice).
I also have been diagnosed with Sleep Apnea, which requires me to wear
a mask while sleeping. That had caused our sex life to come to a
complete halt. I feel that was a big part of our problem.
We had been living like brother and sisters for a couple of years.
I have told her that I love her and understand her affair. That
I was also to blame. I know how the lack of intimacy effected our
marriage. I feel that is easy to fix.
I have tried everything and all the expert tell me to just move on. Leave her alone and take care of myself and the boys. That I can't change her mind, she will have to want to come back. I understand but it is hard. I just want to retaliate to make her understand what she is doing is wrong. That it is against all the things we had taught the boys. That she is being a bad role model. I have bent over backward making it easier for her to see the boys. I get mad because I have made it easier for her to do this. I pray and hope she will come home. I understand that she was unhappy with the marriage but she didn't let me know. I know this sound bad but I didn't know she was unhappy. She just didn't talk about it.
A lot of my pain is knowing that she is hurting herself. She told me a little about him and he is totally different from what she likes in a person. People that have seen him say he is the exact opposite of me. I think she is trying to punish her self for the affair. I told her that I understand the affair. We both were at fault there. He took advantage of her when she was hurting in her marriage. If he really cared for her he would have been happy if she was trying to fix her marriage. He doesn't care about her otherwise he would have divorced his wife before he moved up here. He had work in a different town from where he lived. He had a apartment during the week and went home on weekends. All this stuff add up to a bad relationship. That if they really cared they would have ended her relationship with me before the continued with theirs. Most relationship started from a affair don't last. They are not built on trust to began with.
I can understand and accept our marriage coming to an end. It is not want I want but if we tried to work things out and it just doen't work then it is best that we do end it. I have a tough time with her just walking out and not even trying to work things out. Leaving the boys. If our marriage is at an end she is the best one to be with the boys. We live near her family it would be cheaper and easier for me to move out. She has a more secure job. Everything points to her being confused. I think she is so depressed that she can't reason right. She is going through a MLC. I hope and pray that she will get over this I just hope it is not too late for the boys.
From the looks of this topic, that
I'm not the only one that is dealing with this with their husbands. I have
been trying to look up answer's from the library, hoping that there is
a reason for this act of moods swings, or the blaming, or I'm always in
the wrong to him. Then, I've been beginning to wonder, was it really me,am
I the problem? Is there something wrong with me? It seems know matter what
I do, is not good enough, even though I've tried everything under the moon,
to make him happy.
P.S . he's not abusive, just confused and saddened and I hate to see him go through this alone if I don't know how to be close to him, or to help him.
I use to work as a clinical therapist that was about 5 yrs. ago.
It was a career that I loved but what happened and why I'm not there now
is that the large outpatient mental health facility that I worked at decided
that they would take all of their master level therapist and force them
to do case management. I did not want to do case management.
I was licensed to do counseling. I might add that I got licensed
(at great cost and time) at the urgence of that same mental health facility
because they had
I have tried to get other counseling jobs throughout the State of Tennessee but have not been able to as it seems that the mental health center has blackballed me. In addition, that center is now a part of a larger mental health network in the area where I live and that larger corporation will also not hire me.
All of this has drastically changed my lifestyle. Now I find that I have to do jobs that I use to do as a teenager and I also make half the money that I use to make. It seems like my degree's, education and experience have been made worthless.
Patience is a virtue........let that cliche be your guide through all of your spouse's trials and tribulations....
After almost four years of hell, I am finally getting my life back in order. It took me eighteen months to learn how to make my own self happy and to focus on me for the first time of my life. I no longer have the burden of pulling someone else up from the depths of despair. I want to say that my ex did not want me or anything to do with his "previous" life, so I had no other alternative but to focus on my career, maintaining a huge home and finding healthy ways to comfort myself. He really discarded me as you would trash, so it was very hard to come to the conclusion that HE had the problem, not me..........
I just finished a whirlwind week with a lovely man that I have known since high school. He came back home to visit his two grown girls and to get to know me. He opened the door for me, held my hand, laughed and cried with me, and we had wonderful discussions with each other. So you see......those of you who are at the beginning of this journey...please know that I pray for you and wish you well. May God see you through this horrendous malady and know that I will be praying for each one of you.
I have sold the home and plan to build another one. I will be
moving within the next month and will relocate into a lovely apartment.
My mindset will be that this will be a new beginning for me. Living
in an apartment will be a mini vacation for me. Just think....no
mowing and vacumning a pool!!!!! So hang tight every one. Know that
times will be getting better and learn
Getting better and thanking the good Lord everyday,,,JB
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