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Forum:The Midlife Crisis
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|June 2, 2000
How do I find my passion in life?
I have been reading this page for 2 days. I feel for all of you because IM going through the same thing here with my hubby of almost 22 yrs. is there any stories where there is a happy ending??? Or am I still waiting and waiting on nothing???
To Tammy -
June 6, 2000
to barry r
I'm starting to think that you can't find passion - that it finds you - and that it finds you when you are least expecting it and maybe even the least prepared for it. From my own experience that that of many friends we stumble on to something that brings exquisite pleasure and meaning to our lives once we gave up looking for something special and decided to apply ourselves to a less gratifying practical thing. Like volunteering in a community group our taking a practical part-time college course - or finally doing that (you can pick your own chore here) that youve meant to for so long.
Once you get busy - its like you open up a flow of energy that sometimes take you to places you did not expect - not at all related to what you were doing - call it coincidence or you can apply some new age term - but it does seem to work.
If only it could be as clear when you are in the midst of a soul sucking period in your life as it is in hindsight!
I have one way my husband and I have managed to cope with midlife crisis
--- bot his and mine ! You need to find something the two of you
can work on together. My name is Carla Ledbetter, and at the ripe
old age of 46, I've recently had my first suspense novel published in electronic
format. My husband of 22 years has been my biggest supporter and my most
BLUE MOON is available from DLSIJ Press, and because of the fact that it's been on Barnes & Noble's best seller list for over six weeks in Horror and Suspense category and Romance Category, it will now be coming out in paperback in July.
Throughout all the ups and downs, my husband has been my supporter, helper, listener, and partial editor. We've found a new closeness by working together on a single project, and although I do the writing, he does a lot of my research for me on historical sites, background sites, etc. He checks out books for me, does a lot of my "gopher jobs, since I work full time" and has been wonderful throughout.
Maybe this will help someone else find a shared passion they can work on together, to help them find a closeness they hadn't shared before.
This forum has really helped me to see I'm not alone. My husband is 58 yrs old, and has moved into our motor home and moved it to the other side of town. Same scenario as everyone else.... "Needs to find himself", "Wants to know what to do with the rest of his life"...and I doubt if it will include me! Yes, it is very hard, and if anyone has any ideas on how to cope with this please let me know. I pray, read self-help books, talk to friends, hold down a full time job, etc. I have a full life, and a great support group...but the pain is unreal. We raised 4 children together, and went through some hellish years. Now that the road is open for us - - - - yep, I'm alone and he's "finding himself." Counseling, and anti-depressants aren't helping him. He's like a little lost boy, not knowing what to do next. He cries all the time, and it's breaking my heart. Fortunately there is no other woman involved. Any ideas?
In Limbo WA. State
I wish I had some hopeful advise, but I don't. My husband of 22
yrs started his midlife crisis August of 1998. He said and did all
of the things the others have done, including having an affair. I
did everything from leaving him plenty of space, saught counseling, begging
and professing my undying love. Nothing worked. We are now
divorced and he has been living with the
I don't understand 2 things in life too well - computers and men. I
don't know if you can respond to this - I don't see how to post on you
bb. My fiance has never had a good work hisyory, but a recent job loss
pushed him over the edge. Money means little to me - it's all the other
wonderrful things about him that I love. But lack of money has made his
life difficult and this I guess was the lasdt straw. I lknow I did nothing
to make him put up a wall. He says he is embarassed and acts very
depressed and won't get "help." He keeps saying this time he needs to do
it on his own and wants his space. He insists there are no other women
and I beleive him. I asked what set him "over the edge" since he has
been in this situation before ( (unemployed). He says he looked in the
mrror and saw a middle aged 44 year old with greying hair, a few more lines
on his face and nothing material to show for a life well lived. He feele
that he can't offer anything to his daughter (12 yrs old), to me or anyone
else. He feels ashamed and empty. We used to see each other 5-6 days/wk
and spoke at least daily. I havenheard from him in 5 days and haven't seen
him in 9. His incoinsistancy and depression to this degree surfaced 5-6
weeks ago. Even if this relationship
I too have a Husband going through the MLC. We have been married 28
years, He left about 5 months ago. We have three children all are Teenagers,
the oldest is 18. He is living with another woman, He says he wants his
freedom does not want to be married any more to any one. But he is still
having a relationship with a divorced woman with two sons. It seems most
men walk from the marriage into a ready made relationship, the woman has
a house, a car, everything. I still Love him, and tell him so. He says
he loves me, but not enough. He says he does not love the other woman,
however that may be untrue he may just be telling me what he thinks I want
to hear. I asked when he wanted a Divorce, He said that was up to me, I
told him in a year, then he says we might change our minds between now
and then. I said do you mean that or are just saying it, he said he meant
it. He does still act confused about his feelings. I of course find myself
to be a complete fool, for still loving him but I have no
Drowning in misery
To Distraught In Colorado, I read several of these Mid-life Crisis stories, I too have a husband of 28 years going through this. There is nothing more painful than dealing with this. I have read that the MLC sufferer should be understood, how not to pressure them, how not to cry or show anger or try to talk them into therapy. I do know they have some pain, but nothing like the one they leave behind, the one they tell I need space or freedom, or I just don't love you enough. Not to long ago my husband says let's just be friends. It's been almost 5 months, I have had no choice but to accept is living and sharing everything with another woman that we use to share, my kids see him every other weekend. It's as if she is now his wife and I am nothing. It's so hard to believe that after loving him so long that he has quit loving me light turning off a light switch. He very seldom communicates with me at all even though our three teenagers live with me. This other woman has wiped away all the feelings of love for me, yet he says he does not love her and loves me in a way. I've been hurt constantly, it seems to never stop. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride, I think I have some strength and he calls just to talk to the kids, or drops bye to get something and I fall apart again. It seems to never end. We have to survive I keep telling myself over and over again me and my kids. I keep hoping that I'll get the strength to go on without him. But the truth is if he walked in the door and asked to come back I'd let him. I can see how totally foolish it is, I love him against my will. I am
drowning in Misery in Colorado.
CANADA IN THE U.S.A.
June 13, 2000
I'm a 32 year old woman, who has never been married before, nor do I have any children. I was in a relationship with the man of my dreams for almost 3 years, until one day, he decided to leave me. I didn't see this coming at all, but he is 16 years older, and going thru Mid life crisis! We have been apart for over a year, yet it hurts so much, because he was the one. I feel very betrayed and I'm a very attractive 32 yr. old, so what will he be going after, a 21 yr. old? We still see each other, about 2-3 times a week, he goes from really nice to really mean, and I love him so much that I just stand by watching as he goes thru all of this stuff he doesn't even understand. And to top it all of, he has lost both parents in a matter of 6 weeks apart, mom passed on Jan. 29, dad on St. Patrick's Day. He says he has someone else he is starting a relationship with, but he only brings her up when he wants to upset me, I read somewhere that men will hurt their spouses, fiance, etc., so much during their MLC, and it just isn't fair to us. I feel so much pain, and I just want to support him, help me please!
I have ready many messages and must say many of the stories hit very
close to my last year with my husband. He had hated his job for over
a year and constantly griped about his boss. My mom died and my father
was dianosed with a meningioma brain tumor and the early onset of Alzhiemers.
Right after all of these tragedies, our daughter became engaged to a wonderful
He left me the week before Christmas and came back two days before the holiday. He said he wanted to try to work it out and we both discussed the importance in him finding work he would enjoy doing.
So...he quit his job and in January my son comes to me at my workplace (after classes) and tells me a woman had called and wanted him to know that his stepfather was having an affair.. I confronted my husband and he fimally admitted to it. I asked him to leave as I was in total shock and devastated! After about a week, I talked with him and told him after 14 years of marriage I was willing to go to counseling with him and work this out. I said if the good Lord could forgive him so could I. He said, "I don't want to come home." "I want to start a new life." He took his retirement and got a new apartment, satellite dish, new furniture, and clothes.; and decided to go back to his girlfriend (who is fifteen years younger then me). He has come back twice to me crying about how screwed up he is and how much he missed me. Only to begin seeing the OW four days later.
The divorce proceedings are going fine even though his girlfriend is wanting and urging him to get what he can. I had this home for almost 14 years before we married. It remained in my name until he wanted to refinance to pay off some bills (mostly his!)(1996).
Actually to make a long sick story bearable, there are days that I actually visualize myself as a hefty garbage bag that is filled with trash that has carelessly been discarded by the curb. I will say there are other days I know that I deserve better! Through all of this, I want to become a BETTER person not a Bitter one!!
The hardest part of all of this is wondering how he could walk away (without a glance) to the children he help raise, an extended family he had been very close to and long time friends. He very rarely even contacts his on immediate family.
The man who professed for many years to be my best friend and most staunch
supporter has been "missing" for a very long time. What do I do?
Continute with life and give thanks to the good Lord as he must have very
special plans for me. May God Bless going through this crisis.
It has been worse than my own mother's death and I loved her with all of
All of these stories sound so familiar. My husband has done the same thing. Started a new life as if his old one never existed. How do you keep from feeling like thrown away garbage? I do not want to sound desperate, but the truth is I just don't understand him and his actions. He went from a superintendents's position to shoveling mulch. His OW has the same statistics as me, 5 ft. 3in. blonde hair and blue eyes. That is where the similarities end. She has a jaded past and from what I've heard, enjoys drinking and the "wild life."
I found it interestiing that someone res[ponded on this website that I should get on with my life, that the man I knew for seventeen years and married to for fourteen years is dead and gone.
Yes, I am doing better, but it is hard to rationalize an irrationalize situation. Perhaps someone who has been through this longer than I this can help me. His affair started last November and it is now June. Any comments would be much appreciated.
I am a 44 year old woman. I have been married for 24 years, and it is our silver wedding anniversary this year. However, my husband has recently left only days after our daughters wedding. He says he has no feelings for me, and that I am to blame for our problems. The truth of the matter is that for the past 24 years, although we have had good times, there have been lots of occassions where he has felt the need to be physically abusive.
The last occurrance of this was in January this year. He was extremely violent on this occassion, more so than usual, and after beating me and pinning me to the floor, I had no option but to spit in his face. This seemed to anger him more, but I had no other option. He blames me for his anger, and that he only loses his temper with me. He subsequently continues to bring up the fact that I spat in his face and that he cannot forgive me for it, even though I have forgiven him for much worse.
Not only has he walked out, but it would appear that he has been planning to do so for weeks. In the weeks leading up to our daughters wedding, he asked me to take out a loan for home improvements in my name, he also withdrew money from my savings account and bought numerous items for himself without even a word of thanks. I later found out that he had arranged to see a solicitor, and the appointment was booked two weeks before our daughters wedding.
Also, in the past my husband has been arrested by the police for indecent exposure. This has happended on two occasions and both times I have tried to work through this with him. I am now asking myself if these are the only times that he has done such things, and that the only reason I know about them is because he got caught. Within the past two weeks, since he left, I have indeed discovered that there have been other occasions of related incidents. For example, my sister who has a sight and hearing problem which at times can make her quite vulnerable, told me some years ago that whilst my husband and I were staying at my parents house where my sister still lives, my husband had gone into my sisters bedroom and stood behind her naked. When he was confronted about this he denied it and blamed the fact that my sister cannot see. At the time I believed him, now I know that what he told me is not true, like many other things he has lied about.
Even though this is the harsh truth I am finding things very difficult and I am very scared about the future. I have tried to talk to him and I have even asked him to get some counselling, but he refuses. I don't know what to do. My son has washed his hands of him as has his daughter and I know I can't trust him but I don't want to be alone. I need some kind of explanation for all this because I can't make sense of it all. Can you help?
June 18, 2000
To Much Happier Now:
It was good to hear your story and give me hope. My husband is showing all signs of MLC, he says he still loves me, but doesn't know what he wants. He is presently away overseas, away from his work, and hopefully taking time to get clarity on what he wants. We have been seperated for 2 1/2 months, and he is due back from his holiday early July. He is only 38, nearing 39 and I am 40. With all the devastation, hurt and pain re this crisis, I still very much love him, however, I don't know how much longer I can continue like this, I pray continually for patience.... thanks for the hope. Good luck.
Living in Hope.
Fantastic letter...........I, too, am feeling something similiar and have a loving, devoted wife............but, I am empty inside......ours was a marriage based on situations, not love on my part.
Respond if you like.
I cannot believe what I am reading! I am going through the exact same thing. I am 28 and have been married to a good guy for nearly 6 years. We have a beautiful 1 1/2 year old daughter. We have a nice home, nice cars, great jobs.... We have been on the "rocks" ever since we have been married...even before, actually. The fights are horrible. I was attracted to him because we liked to do the same things and because of his looks (of course). His addiction to the television and his love affair with his family (mother, father, brothers) were the sore spots, at first. Now, golf has taken his heart away...it's all he speaks of, really. Business trips take him away once or twice a month. I used to be sad when he would leave...anxious for him to return, but as the fights got worse and more hurtful, I missed him a lot less...eventually not at all. I told him the day would come, and it surely did.
In the meantime I developed a serious crush on a married man (coworker) who was paying quite a bit of attention to me. He is handsome, charming, and extremely intellegent. He was paying me the compliments and attention that my husband wouldn't. The intimacy is completely gone from my marriage. The "other guy" is who I think and dream about. I constantly fantasize about divorce (and have discussed the topic with my husband even three months into my marriage). I, however, don't want to leave my husband for another man...I want to leave because things are not right between us. Besides, the other man just might not want to leave his wife and children for me. I also find myself fantasizing about lost loves..."I wonder where he is and if he's married..." I husband is young, good looking and has a great career ahead of him. He would certainly be a catch for a lucky young woman. I am willing to give him up. I catch myself thinking of girls he could date. ISN'T THAT SO MESSED UP???
My husband noticed something was wrong between us a few months ago, but chose to say nothing. This has also been a major problem between us...he chooses to clam up instead of confront, which can easily be mistaken for not caring. He has let me cry by myself too many times. I have lost all interest in things I used to love...fly fishing, cooking, golfing...which makes me think I am clinically depressed. I have resorted to spending money to make me feel better about myself and my situation. I definitely see that I have a problem, but I'm having a hard time distinguishing between midlife crisis and depression.
MY husband of eight years recently left our family. He is 41 years old. We have handsome 7 year old twins together. I miss him terribly. He is a workaholic and was never home very much. He started acting strange when his company hired on a women who was dating one of his supervisors. He found something wrong with everything I said or did. TThe harder I tried to make him happy, the worse he got. He went to pick up a persciption and never came home. He did'nt call for three days. Now he is living with his sisster and dating that woman. I want my husband back, I want my life back. Is ther anything I can do?
Hello to all the ladies going thru divorce in the 54 ish age. I am going
thru a divorce now , I left an abusive spouse and feel very
Trust me there has been alot of pain and heartache, espically for our children even though we had wonderful children. Our children saw the abuse and sometimes , i know they must feel there a whole lot better off.
I have cried and given it to God and know he does not want to be a doormat or abused by a man, who doesn't love me.
So , if you are abused take heed.. don't wait till its too late.
From someone who has learned the hard way......................../
June 26, 2000
WELL HERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT! I'm a 47 year old male, will be married
21 years in August if the divorce isn't finalized by that time. The difference
is my wife had the mid life crisis when she turned 40. That was a year
ago. She told me she had a mid life crisis and I would not like the person
she had become. That she wanted independance, more money and to do whatever
she wanted without having to worry about my feelings. For a year she neglected
me, had no regard for my feelings what so ever. If I was angry, sad happy,
excited she would just shrug and walk away. She had no respect for me.
She started dating other men and told me they were just friends. The latest
was our car mechanic. This situation lasted for about a year when I finally
exploded and said "what the hell is going on???" She said I want a divorce,
I am not doing this anymore and do not want to hurt you anymore. She moved
out and filed about a month ago. She has told all our friends that she
is happier than she's been in the last 25 years. She thinks she doesn't
look her age (41), lost 25lbs and has changed her whole personality. She
now refers to everyone as sweety or hon. This is not the same person I've
spent the last 25 years with. Does this "mid life crisis" end? Will she
wake up someday and relize that what we had was good? Is she truly happier
with out me? I don't understand. I'm 47 and didn't expecence any changes
in myself when I hit my 40s. Does mid life crisis mean fall out of love?
If I had only found your web page sooner things may have been different. My wife had her mid life crisis last year at age 40 and told me I won't like the person she had become. For the first few months she really tried to be more loving towards me but I could see that it was forced and did not (in her opinion) make enough of the same attempt to make thing better. After a few months she started dating then stopped and said she had made a mistake but the whole time I could see that her love for me was gone. She just resently started to make friends with our car mechanic and going over his house. Of course this did not sit well with me and I let her know. Next thing I knew she moved out and served me with divorce papers, we have had very little contact since she filed and I have heard through mutial friends that she is feels that she happier now then she has been in years. My question is, will she ever look back and realize that she threw away a good marriage? Was it the marriage and me that was to blame? Does a mid life crisis change a person forever or is this temporary? I know our lifes together is over but I don't think she has made a change for the better. Is my old sweet wife still in there somewhere or is she gone forever? Please help me sort this out.
I am 45, a successful businessman, have a wonderful wife and family, but I am incredibly interested in another slightly younger woman who is also married and has children. She too is interested in something other and has started to "let me know" of her interest.
My wife's values about success differ from most women, and although she is a great person, her respect for who I am disappoints me. Of course I am quite impressive elsewhere and especially to you know who!
I have legitimate historical baggage with my in-laws and it spills over to my wife. She's been building new bonds with her family and I think my fear of and distaste for her family is influencing my outside interests. Perhaps I'm afraid that her new family closeness will mean something less for me?
I realize that I am infatuated, but that seems to be where all relationships start.
I do value loyalty and integrity, yet, somehow leaving one's spouse these days seems to be so common that such values seem to be eroding even in myself.
Of course you can see by reading this that I am at the go/nogo stage and feel that perhaps this will pass. The one scary thing is that I am afraid that I'll not have a chance to find one as attractive as year go by and that if I go for it I might be the next one left for better sights in the future.
I've been married 11 years with one 8 year old son. We had a perfect
marriage until just four months ago. Now my husband says he doesn't
know what love is, his feelings have changed, etc. He avoids me at
all costs, only coming in to eat and sleep. We tried counseling,
but he won't talk to me. He's got away from God, which I feel is
the most important thing. I've tried to be patient while he thinks this
through but I'm not sure how long I should wait - especially when I don't
know what I've done! I'm
July 4, 2000
My name is Selina, I am 31yrs old. My fiancee' is Brian he is 42 years
old. I believe he is going through the mid life crises or what they call
male menopause. Brian is a very successful lawyer. I am very
worried about him. He is depressed all the time and very moody these days.
He cries about a lot and has frequent thoughts of death. He worries so
much about everything to
My story is similar to those above. My husband is 42, I am 40. We have been married for 15 yrs and have two sons, one of 14, one of 11. We have been together for 22 yrs.
Over the past 2 to 3 yrs, we have been fighting a lot with my husband behaving in a most selfish way, only wanting to do what he wants to do etc. He has been very cold and nasty to me, revealing some deep-seated resentments to me, mainly to do with us moving countrys twice and him having to rebuild his career, which as it turns out, is not fulfilling any longer and he is talking of going back to university full-time (financially impossible at the moment) to study history. He also says that he resents being the sole breadwinner which hurts me terribly as our older son has had enormous learning difficulties (he has mild autism) and this has resulted in me being preoccupied with his issues.
I am sure this is a MLC - in fact I think I am going through one of my own as I am looking at studying too so that I can change careers as I am unwilling to do what I did before I had the kids. Are we on a MLC Collision course here and what can be done about this? Can we compromise so that both of us get what we want? What generally tends to happen when both parties in a marriage go through an MLC at the same time?
Page after page of heart breaking stories. Many sound very similar to my own. Yes, I believe in a midlife crisis. My husband and I have lived through it. It comes from developmentally taking stock of what you have or donít have, of fearing dreams may be just that and trying one last time, to
make them come true. So many variables can effect one at midlife from children leaving to parents dying, to losing or changing oneís job. Midlife is a critical time for us all.
My advice for anyone in a midlife crisis or living with someone who is, is to recognize it for what it is, and realize that you can come out on the other side of it, if you want to badly enough. That is, if there is enough of a foundation to begin with and you include God in that foundation. The alternative is not as attractive as it seems at first.
I feel I am one of the few lucky ones that dodged the bullet so to speak. Enough time elapsed that my husband and I realized what we had together and didnít follow through on the divorce papers. Now we are happier than we have been in 25 years. It took a lot of hurt and patience; so much so that it is doubtful many people would have stayed in for the long haul. It took 2 years of open suffering (not counting the previous years that led up to it), months of separation and much physical and mental anguish to get to the "other side".It scares me to think how close we came to losing all we now have.
My husband started his mlc 6 months ago. He drastically changed
overnite. He has told me all the same thing every one else has heard.
He is not happy with and has not been for awhile and don't know why ect.
The first 3 months he would not even look at me. He know will look at me,
but only speaks if he has to. He will not tell me anything about what he
is thinking, feeling ect. He dropped 30lbs, worries about looks,
goes out with a friend of ours to play pool with 5/6 times aweek.
If our friend is not available he will take me, but will not talk to me
except about pool. We have been married 18 years and have daughter
17 (almost 18). She pretty much has her own life with work, school and
extra activities. we got into it about 2 months ago and he thought
we should cool it for awhile (seperate)so, I offered to move to my
moms to give him some space or even he move
I have been married for 10 years I have two children 6 and 2, I am going on 29. Is it possible to have a mlc at this age? I don't want to go home, I don't want to be with my husband. I missed out on the "usual" 20's stuff because we married so young "we were in love" (and stupid). I want to have more friends. I want to feel selfish, it seems like I do everything for everyone but myself. I just recently started looking at my married from the outside and wondering what I was doing. My husband and I are close but we have nothing in common - I think we have grown apart. I want a companion who is my friend, I feel that we definetely don't have that. It could be because I have matured and can see that I haven't done much for myself, but I couldn't imagine being selfish because I haven't ever been that way.
I am writing because I am married to a man I dont even know anymore.
He was a kind man in the begining but now he has been caught in a few lies
and won't admit it. The most recent being he took my bank card (in
my name only) and charged some explisite things on it and then when our
checking account overdrafted by a large sum of money he denied any part
of it. He has had 8 jobs in the past three years and I am afraid everyday
he comes home that he won't have his job. I have an 11 yr old
Confused and scared
Response to Bob's letter:
I know it is very hard on you. My husband has put me through the same turmoil you mentioned. We (the midlife crisis spouse) at one point blame ourselves and then realize it was nothing we had done. My husband had an affair, quit his job, moved out, spent 18,000.00 dollars in six months time, got a new apartment, furniture, and refused to go to counseling and flat out "did not want me.. I asked him just the other day if he realized what he had done. He said, "Yes, I walked out of my life." At one point a few months ago, we began talking and dating. Only for me to find out he was still seeing the OW.
As we were going over the divorce papers the other day I told him I understand that people get a divorce and "fall out of love" all the time, but how do they "fall out love with the children they raised?" He chocked up and said, "I am just "screwed-up."
I truly wished I could answer your GOOD questions....what are the statistics of these confused people that we loved? Will they ever come back to the way they were....considerate, caring, and compassionate? No one has answered that question or given even a time frame.
Like someone told me on this site, He as you knew him no longer exists. Consider him dead...How profound!
I truly wish many of these letters could be responded to. There are so many important questions left unanswered.
I wish you the best and may god bless you....This is the hardest thing
I have gone through including my own mother's death....who I loved very
much...but my husband was my best friend, confidant, companion, and lover.......I
see reminders of him everywhere I go and when I do meet with him I see
emptiness behind those eyes and a man I no longer recognize. I
I feel stupid but I need to know why do I think that my husband wants someone else? He is very good to me! I dont understand myself. I feel that I am not attractive anymore.I am eight years younger than my husband. He tells me that I am acting stupid.He also tells me how good that Ilook. What is wrong with me? (I am almost 40)
I am a 37 year old male and have been married for 17 years. My
wife and I have two children. The last eight months have been a rollercoaster.
My wife and i did have a mutual friend that we have been partying with
the last eight months. About 3 weeks ago I had enough of the party
lifestyle. My wife said fine ok by her she would just go out and
party without me. She
July 13, 2000
MIKE. I AM COMING UP TO MY SECOND ANNIVERSARY OF MY WIFE'S MID-LIFE
CRISIS. ANUG 18/1998 MY WIFE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS NO LONGER IN LOVE WITH
ME AND THAT SHE WAS GETTING "WARM LOVING FEELINGS FROM A PEER AT WORK".
THE PEER WAS/IS GAY AND THEY MET THREE OR FOUR TIMES TO DISCUSS MY WIFE'S
FEELINGS, LOST DREAMS AND WHAT I WAS AND COULD NOT BE."
PATIENCE, LOVE, UNDERSTANDING AND RESPECT ARE THE FEELINGS I HAVE FOR MY WIFE BUT IT IS HER ISSUES AND I HAVE STOPPED BLAMING MYSELF. I CAN ONLY SUGGEST HAVING GONE THRU THESE PAST TWO YEARS THAT PERSONAL GROWTH IS PAINFUL AND THAT COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY IF THOSE IN CRISIS COME BACK. THEY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. I LIVE ON A FOUNDATION OF BEAUTIFUL PREVIOUS DREAMS AND EXPERIENCES WITH MY WIFE. NOTHING ELSE CAN REPLACE THEM..WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FUTURE IS IN THE HANDS OF GOD AND MY WIFE.
Well, If it wasn't happening to me, I would not have believed what a midlife crisis is. It is pure hell! Everything in my life has been thrown up in the air and I question everything. It is ruining my life and I feel totally helpless to do anything about it.
It doesn't help that my wife is not supportive of me and my needs. She is very selffish and I see her differently now than I used to. She is very nice to people that can give her something in return, but I don't think I ever saw her give something without strings attached. She even uses her kids to her advantage. And she lies! How can anyone have a relationship with someone like that?
This just exaserbates the whole situation. I have been controlled for the past five years and I am really sick and tired of it. I want to live my life or the life we used to have not what we have now.
The problem is, I honestly don't know if it is me or her. I know I caused it, but I have been trying to get it back for the last couple of years and I just can't seem to get it back.
I hope someone can relate.
hang on strong. I hope that "empty" filling leaves. I feel your pain
I, too, am dealing with my husband's MLC. Actually, its more of
an All life crisis! He seems to go in cycles, every few years, where
he feels this way. He is 37 now, I am 39. We have been married
for only 5 years, but been together for 15. We have to wonderful
children,ages 2 & 7. My main concern is for them. Knowing
him, I am afraid that he will realize after a while, that what he wants,
he's had all along. Just as he has in the past. He gives the same
reasons you all have mentioned....not happy, too much pressure, arguing,
just doesnt want to be married anymore. Fidelity has never been an
issue with us. He is not what I would considered "normal" in the
sexual drive dept. I had to make adjustments on my side, to not make
sex a big issue. He basically did whatever he wanted, I always supported
him in anything he wanted to do. I love him very much, and don't
want to divorce. I have suggested counseling, anything to fix whatever
is wrong. He shows absolutely no interest in facing the problem.
One day he says he loves me, the next, he cant say that he does.
I'm so confused! I guess I just don't understand
Anyway, I hope you all gather up your strength, and believe that everything happens for a reason...maybe you all will find someone who really appreciates you! I know thatI deserve better, and never expected it....maybe that was my fault. But if this divorce becomes final....we will too. I won't take him back again...and I won't put my kids thru it again. He is a good father, and we at least agree on anything to do with the kids....I just hope he sticks to his end of the support issue.
Thanks for the forum....I think it helps to know you are NOT alone!
I am a 37yr old father and currentley married with a 15 and 14 yr boy and a 11yr girl. My spouse of 16yrs has told me once again that she has no feelings for me. About 5yrs ago she said the same thing and left me and the kids for about 2 1/2 months. I was in shocked after coming home from a military deployment. I talked to her friends and they all said that she was not seeing anyone. It's just that she needed some space to think of what to do with her life her words. When she came back she said she was wrong and being in love with her I gave in. Now the same thing is happening once again. Now she tells me that the reason she came back was that she didn't think i could handle raising the children during those times. We had a long talk about what she plans to do. She wants some time to think so I gave in, it's been 1 week now. Her friend call me up and said that she is staying with them. They live about 3hrs away. The kids doesn't know whats really going on. All they know is she went to a friends house for awhile.I am in a state of confusion. Determining if this will be a repeat performance of 5yrs ago. Friends I have talked to say to let it go and go on with my life. I still have feelings for my spouse. Do I except her back if she comes back?
Desperate and Confused
I think that after this length of time you should let your wife go and meet someone else besides you. Sometimes people can't see clear until they are out of the situation far enough. You are the one with the problem. Forget the commitment of marriage. This is not a full marriage. Give her the consideration to leave you and make another life for herself with a man who will probably fulfill all of her needs. It surely must be painful to have to live in a marriage without every facet of it. Probably if you were free to live with your other love full time, you would probably come to some realities in that picture as well. It will become everybit as routine as everyday life . Marriage is like a quilt. It has patches, different colors and strengths of materials that reflect a couple's life together. You sound like you take your wife for granted and not enough credit is given to her to be emotionally stable to get over you. It will hurt, but just for a little while.
I have been a real pain to my wife and kids. I'm glad I found your website to know that I am not alone in this crazy mixed up condition. I have talked to my wife about it and suggested for myself everything from suicide to cocaine. I even told her I was going to walk out into the desert and never come back. I can't help the feelings I'm having. Because of my kids I will not do myself in. I know how I felt when my dad died at a very young age. I am leaving this Saturday for Las Vegas for two weeks. No, not going to call escorts. I do feel like I would like someone else once. We got married too young, I am 48 now and it seems like there is much less in common between us. I hate what I "m going to my wife because she was abused when she was young by her father. If there was something I could take to lesson my desire for other women I would take it in a heartbeat. I don't know what I will do now. I know now at least due to your website that I am not alone. Thanks so much for that. Have a happy forever.
July 17, 2000
Hi all, and thanks for visiting Best Years. I'm going to be away from my computer for about 8 days so I wont be able to post messages. However, send them anyway, and I'll catch up just as soon as I return home. Have a good day.
July 25, 2000
I was amazed when I read your letter. My husband told me August
6, 1998, that he was unhappy and didn't love me anymore. Our anniversary
is coming up too, July 17. It would have been 24 years. Sadly
we are now divorced and he is still acting like a stranger. He was
always a good husband and someone our friends admired. He became
an angry, cold and selfish person. He pretty much treated me like dirt.
There was nothing I could do right. He told me he hadn't been happy for
years, yet I though we had a very happy marriage. Then the lies began.
He lied about where he was going and who is
The Water at the Weir
Hay Machine (e)
The black river hanging like syrup at the weir
That was forty years ago and still this night
Black full with the seeping of grave-seep
When it rains the circles and their circles ring
The grey ribcage of a rowing boat
For a years now, i have suffered every emotional pain know to man. i love my wife to death and i would do anything for her. i gave her everything to help her feel more secured about us and our marriage. we have two kids together, a boy and a girl. she said she love them to death and she would never do anything to break our family apart.
It all started two years ago, she took a business trip out of state. i never even saw it comming. i called her everyday when she was gone. she never call me back once. the day before she came back home, i finally got a hold of her. we talked and i asked how everything was. she answered all my questions really fast and with no emotions. before we hangup the phone i said I love you, she didnt answer back right away like the way she used to. i knew it right the way that something has happended. i was so mad, but i didnt say anything. she said she just worked and hungout with her the guy she went with.
we broke up that day she came back. she said she doesn't know
if she loves me anymore, she doesn't know if i love her anymroe. she said
we sould split up and figure things out. she said it was my fault
that she cheated on me. she said it just happend, she didnt mean for it
to happened, it just happened she said. i didnt know what to do,
i cried and cried and i walked
i love her so much and with all my heart and soul. after couple days i went to see her, i told her it was ok, it was my fault that i didnt see how miserable she was. she ask for my forgiveness and i asked for hers. i kept my pain to mysefl for months, i said nothing, i tried everyday to help her realized how beautiful our marriage was and how wonderful our family was. i started to believe that everything was going to be ok. god knows i love her nad will do anything for her.
one day i saw a strange phone no. on the caller id. i dint think anything
of it. one night the phone rang and it was him. we talked and argued.
she has been talking with him for the past couple months. she lie
and lie and lie and lie, time after time. i forgave and gorgave time
after time. she said she was still unsure about my love for her,
she doesnt know if i love her, or if she wants me in her life. ater
that she started going out all the time, asking me for space. she said
she needed space to think and to get
we have everything together, we are both successful. we have everything, two house and cars.... why can we have love. and honesty. i asked her to be honest about everything, i told her to tell me every and i wont be mad. one day she called me when i was out of town for business. she never called me when im out of town. i knew right then that i was gonig to be hurt again. she said she's been seeing someone. but she still loves me but just confused. she doesnt know if im the one she wants to be with. i love her so much, no matter what i still forgive, but just cant forget. she said when we're together everything seem ok, but when we're apart she just wan't sure, she said she gets mixed feelings all the time. we are still together. i still love her, i think im writing too much. sorry.
from: love hurts and always will
I really want to know why do married girls betray their husband not all of course but some but i want reason why do girls do that is it in their sicological or internal body design or what i see that everyday and when i was abroad studying and here i mean everywhere guys also do that but not much i just do not know why married girls or women do that.
I need to know were can I obtain help with my former significant other in his mid life crisis. Please advise I need to understand what is going on.
Please reply at your earliest convenience.
July 31, 2000
Got into your web page looking for lost feeling and thought maybe you can give me a few words which could help me before I lose my mind. I am 44 years and living in East Africa where I have been an expatriate for many years. My wife is 10 years younger than me and we are having a severe crises in our 7 years marriage (we have been together for about 11 years)
For quite some years we have been living with problems and we have been seeking counseling but to be honest without much luck, basically I think because I never realized what my wife was missing, hence I was never really able to offer her what she wanted. In addition she was never too good telling me and she sort of felt that "if I loved her I should know"
Recently she went on holiday and she found someone else - I am devastated and can not imagine having a life without her. We have two beautiful children and recently we bought our dream house. My wife is very honest and she tells me everything (I think) she is not really interested in leaving since we are not talking of "just moving around the corner" but to another continent. Therefor children etc. is not such an easy issue and apart from that she is very happy with our home.
She has for quite some years told me that "I took her for granted" and
I was never able to see that; I've been working 12 hours a day, been very
involved in committee work, Rotary, and a very keen deep sea fisher
with own large motor yacht , apart from that I reckon that I have developed
a bit of an alcohol problem or let us say a relative large consumption.
I now realize that I was never really there to take part in my family,
in my children and in my wives life. Everything I did I did by myself and
I felt that from my wife I had only complains. I felt it was unreasonable
when my wife had any demands because I
My wife says she loves me but she has lost "that loving feeling" - No
doubt that the guy she met has made her realize how she can still feel
and how wrong her life is - I have tried that myself in earlier relationship.
She is talking about going to UK for a
I can forgive that she was with someone else because I am also to blame
but it is a turf one that she has lost her feelings for me - I feel that
I am worth loving and obviously I need to be loved just like everybody
else. My wife thinks that maybe it is too
She used to go out with friends, both male and females and I felt that was fine cause obviously I could not give her the attention she wanted or I did not really know what she wanted - now I am suddenly becoming the jealous guy I remember my self as years ago.
Things are of course not getting better in these days of modern technology and this &^%$#^ guy she met keeps sending her e-mails offering her to come to him. She has problems letting go - I have even told her that if that is the case then she has to go but so far luckily she is staying.
Drop me a line I need some advise
Iam a 35 year old man looking for my father, Lewis and my sister Angela.
I hve not seen either of them since 1978. If anyone has any information
whatsoever, please e-mail me.
After 22 years as executive and starting up new profit centers inside corporations, and more recently formed a company as CEO and shareholder, suffered from buy-outs and corporate politics. As a matter of fact, bringing companies to next level never rewarded me with a career future, but rather some money, and the burden to search the next challenge. Today, father of 4 in a very good balanced family, I am totally confused. I want to change career. I still need a relatively high life standard we got to be used to. But since moved to US from France, have lost some appetite for communication jobs due to language (even I do maste English well). Am a marketing, fighting to create visibility, market entry, strategist, visionnary etc. Travelled thousands of miles away from family to do the job. The confusion is such that if someone asks me what I want to do, I have no answers for it.
So what I want to do is to conclude a 12 months search (financially urgent I reach a breakthrough) and find some kind of coach to answer to that question. Also, friends or previous co-workers don't seem to be able to help.
Thanks if you can
Andre--I think there are personal career counseling coaches on the Internet. I suggest typing the terms in a search engine and see where it leads. BTW, if anyone knows some useful sites, respond to this post and I'll list the URL's
Good luck, Andre.
August 5, 2000
I've been married for twelve years. I had a great career in the military for 16 years before I blew it with a DUI. It really crushed my wife and she said that she stopped caring at that point. Now, a year later, she has had a couple of affairs that I am aware of. I still love her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am today without her. I presently have an excellent, well paying job, but if I lose her, then I don't think that I would ever be as successful. Please help.
I need to know what makes a person lie about everything under the sun?????
My 25 yrs old step son lies constantly about things that don't even matter!!
Ex: he tells us voluntarily that he makes $10.00 and hour and he actually
makes $6.00, we don't understand this--- he has lost so much due to this
problem, his wife left him, has had 2 vehicles taken back by the bank,
and he never accepts that he has lied, it is very hard to confront him,
he leaves long enough for everything to blow over, he lives with his grandmother,
who he hates, and would love to live with his father and I, but we flatly
refuse!! we know that he would never
Please let me know ASAP
I was searching the web for help with inferdility and came across this
web site. I have found the stories I have read here to be very helpful.
I am 39 years old and my husband is now 42, we have four boys, but one
is deceased, we have been married for 19 years. Last year my 34 year
old brother passed away, my brother was very close to me and was my husbands
best freind. He was a bleeder and contacted aids from factor 8, which
is a human blood product. My brothers illness was very hard on
Needless to say, he was arrested and a restraining order was placed on him. He was living in a motel for 7 weeks, during this time I had seen him on several occasions and always there was passion. He keep telling me this has nothing to due with me. I didn't understand, as like the other ladies I totally trusted him. When I asked him why he did what he did, he indicated that my brother took up all my time, and he didn't feel loved anymore. He did not know if he could live with me any more, He alway said he loved me. But than he would go back to (this dosn't have anything to due with you). I was not two worried about this women because she was a stripper, she had been married four times and had five kids, and lived in a trailer. However, I was never so hurt in my life. I felt all the feeling the other ladies felt, I thought I would die.
My husband asked me if he could come home after the hunting week he
scheduled with my other brother and friends. I said yes!! Well
he did return, and the strange thing is, There is such an improvement
in our relationship, sex like, communcation, parenting. I can't hardly
believe it!! He has informed me this was the biggest mistake he had
ever made, and has begged me to forgive him!! Thats what I having
trouble with. I fear this will happen again, I still don't trust
him, when he is gone I have a sick felling in my stomach. However,
it has been 10 months now and I have not found any reason to believe this
relationship is still
I no longer trust my instints or judgement, I was wondering, has anyone else expericenced this type of MLC, if so due you think my husband is capable of being truthfull about his love for me. Can a man due what he did and it didn't really mean anything solid. Or due you think this could be all lies and he is still being dishonest.
I would appreciate any help on the trust issue.
Trying to forgive
After reading these e-mails I am wondering if anyone has heard of midlife
crisis. I am 34 years old, but my husband is only 27. We
have been married for almost four years and dated for three years
prior to that. He once loved me very much and I have always
loved him. Unlike most of you there are no children,
but my pain is enourmous. My husband and I have had two
August 15, 2000
Hi, I really am having a mid-life crisis, My husband of 4 years is driving me crazy. Before we married he has a drug problem for sometime now, he has been in and out of drug centers, but he has fallen off the wagon again, I am really in the word of God, and i do everything that is the Lord's will, he is very verbally abusive, and he curses alot, he has alot of anger in hm, I have threaten to leave him on many occasions, I have one child with him, and i have another child that is not his he calls my son that is 14 yrs old names that hurts his feeling, my daughter is 2 years old. He goes to church every blue moon. he does not serve God as i do, I have prayed to the Lord everyday, for him to be delievered, because when he is not doing drugs or drinking he could be the sweetest person you would ever want to meet, but i just can't deal with all of the verbal abuse, he will be taken some anger classes due to offesive touching earlier part of the year with me. I don't know how much more of this i can take, he say he wants to get help and change, but i don't belive he want to change for himself, he wants to change for me, i think he went to this last drug rehab, for me not for himself. that is why it is not working.
my name is Jonathan. I think I just put the final nail in the coffin of my marriage today. Actually we have been pretty separate (including residentially) for years. I think you said keep it short so... I know I'm in for some lonelyness, AND what I would like to share is passionate (not necessarily sex) interests and telling of stories.
If you want more info, reply to this e-mail (this post--editor). It would be nice to hear from you.
I am also dealing with a husband who is going through a mid-life crisis.
I pray that we can make this work. We are seeing a counselor, and
before that, I would have given us no chance. I am very scared...I
don't want to do this to our three children who are 13, 10 and 4 mos. He
is looking for something. He loves me and then sometimes he doesn't feel
so close. I am trying to be supportive, but sometimes just want to
run away...any suggestions are welcome. Linda
I am a stay-at-home Mom who will be 38 on Friday. My husband will be 40 in November. We have 3 beautiful children ages 9, 8 and 5 that we both adore. Two and a half weeks ago, one week before our 11th Anniversary, he broke my heart. I discovered he had been having an affair with a married co-worker, age 40, who has been married for 10 years. At first he denied it, but the cover-up story he fed me was so ridiculous, he finally admitted the truth after I continued to ask questions. He says they've been having sex since April. When I asked him to try and explain why it happened he said she made him feel special and felt like they were meant to be together. Our families are shocked. No one expected that he'd ever have an affair. It all seems so out of character for him that I feel I've been with a stranger these past few months. I knew things were not very good between the 2 of us, but I just thought it was a difficult time in our marriage.
I now realize after reading other posts to this forum that our situation is just one big mid-life cliche'-me pre-occupied with the kids and having some mid-life crisis thoughts of my own (although I'd never have an affair), low sex drive, feeling depressed, him feeling no 'joy' any more, but not informing me of any of those feelings. We had never been as emotionally close as I had hoped. He tends to keep that part of himself to himself, which has always made me sad. I'm leaving out lots of details, but this the main gist of our situation.
HOWEVER, we may have a happy ending and this is where I need your thoughts. A couple days after his confession, we had a truly intimate conversation like we've never had before. We have continued to communicate with each other in that manner ever since. He says he loves me and realizes he was taking me for granted. I know I was doing the same. We both forgot to put each other first. He says he has ended the affair and wants to recommit to making our marriage work. We start seeing a counselor tomorrow. Yes, he is going willingly. As crazy as this seems, we have had lots of sex which has been even better than it was on our honeymoon and before the kids came along. I still love him and am thrilled that he has chosen to make things work with us. Here's my problem: My gut feeling is that he's telling me the truth, but my gut feeling has been wrong before and now I really question my own judgement. Have you heard of a situation similar to ours where things have worked out in the end? Or am I setting myself up for this to happen all over again in the future?
Confused in NC
I am 52, relatively successful, married with adult children. I live
in a wonderful neighborhood, own my own business, and my second husband
(of 24 years) is a good provider and a fairly good friend. We have
had all the major arguments of step-families over the years and the resentments
have mounted. (I lost my first husband because of a tragic illness and
Seven years ago I was reunited with my first love from college. He broke up with me because he was being sent to Vietnam. (I found out after 25 years the reason for the breakup.) After the breakup, I discovered I was pregnant and had to relinquish the child for adoption. It was a decision that haunted me all my adult life as I never told anyone except my Mother and later my husbands. The child found me, then her Father. Her Father is a retired Major from the Military, never married and no other children.
For the last seven years we have all kept in touch on a fairly regular basis. The real problem is that I can't seem to forget the Father. He calls and I feel like a teenager. I even flew across the country to visit him. He has a real bad case of PSTD (I believe) and is a perfect mess. I've been to therapy and my shrink just tells me to invest in Victoria's Secret to renew my romance with my husband. But I think that romance has nothing to do with it, rather he has had 24 years to make me mad, and I need to bury old ghost and fill the hole in my heart before I can move on to a place where my husband doesn't annoy me.
All my instincts tell me that I must be mad to want to give up all my "stuff" and the security of home and hearth for a man that is a ghost from the past. My heart says that I feel whole when I see him. Am I crazy?
August 20, 2000
To Confused in NC:
Does your husband have a history of dishonesty with you? Be sure you are seeing him for who he really is, not who you want to believe he is. Your marriage CAN survive his MLC, but he MUST give you plenty of time to grieve the loss of trust in your marriage. I've read that it often takes two years following this kind of tragedy to really heal. It is great that you are able and willing to see what you may have done, or not done, to contribute to his affair. HOWEVER, he committed adultery, broke your heart, risked your marriage, and put his own selfish needs before the best interests of his family. There can be understanding, but there are no excuses for his decision. You should be able to ask him any questions about his affair, and he needs to answer you honestly. Will he still be working with the woman with whom he had the affair? If so, that complicates things further. If he absolutely must continue to see her at work, he cannot have any communication with her at all, or at minimum, at least not about ANYTHING but work. Lastly, counseling might help, but a Retrouvaille weekend will probably do more to put your marriage on the right track than standard counseling. I hope and pray that your family heals. It is a long, painful journey, but I can tell you that it CAN work!
Healing in NC
Dear confused in NC,
My midlife marriage crisis worked out well in the end. Don't give up
A year and a half later, we are together and stronger then ever.
But it was a rocky ride.
For a few months after his affair broke open, whenever his esteem grew shaky, my husband was drawn back to the other woman, just for an evening, but back nonetheless. Then he would return home, sick with guilt and confusion.
I believed then and always will that he loved me and our children.
But for a while he felt he loved nothing, not himself, me, the kids or his life.
I wish you luck. Try to keep all the pressures you can out of your lives for a while. Take the time to heal and nurture your love for each other.
August 28, 2000
I need help! MY husband and I have been married for 23years. He is 54 years old. He has changed these past few months. No desire for sex, staying up all night watching tv, moody, lazy. He finally said that he needed to do something so he moved out. But he says he still wants to be "friends". He says he loves me??? How do I deal with this? Should I give him the space he wants? Do I stay in touch as if nothing has happened? I am so confused and shocked over this that I cannot sleep. Please help
This is the first time I have looked at this site in along time.
Again, each time I read this site, each and everyone could be me.
I have had some major changes in my life in the past two years. I
still don't understand what happened, but I guess I NEVER will. I
have to get past that. Yes, I still am in love with the man I married,
but as you say, "he is dead now". My husband left me Dec. 1998, and
I still am blaming myself. Since then, we sold the house WE built,
my X-GIRLFRIEND moved from MASS. and is living in our hometome and
seeing my husband, our youngest daughter got married and moved to Texas,
our oldest daughter and my son-in-law moved out of state, I bought
a new house, have a new boyfriend and have had lung cancer surgey.
I miss my kids (all of them, son-in-laws included) so much it hurts.
I was always extremely close with my kids and their friends. My son-in-laws
are like my own! I love them with all my heart and vise-versa.
They call me all the time asking me to move where they are, but I can't.
There has been so much in my life for the past two years I couldn't even
think about moving out of state. Besides, where would I move, Texas
or N. Carolina? The guy I am seeing............... he is so ggod
Broken and Waiting
I found this page very interesting about mid-life crisis. My husband
left me three years ago - said he didn't love me. We did have an
awful relationship. Lied and cheated and moved in with another women.
Three months later he realized he had made a mistake and was back.
Got counseling and anti-depressants. For the past three years life
was beautiful he respected and appreciated me until three weeks ago.
He had started becoming distant. I asked was was wrong and he said
he didn't know. My friends were commenting how my husband said how
wonderful a three year relationship we had. After probing my husband further
he said he had an inkling that he knew what was wrong that he wanted to
live on his own and do what he wanted when
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