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Forum:The Midlife Crisis

So what are your thoughts on issues pertaining to the midlife crisis?Talk to me; talk to each other, or just talk. I look forward to hearingfrom you.
 

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Midlife Crisis Forum 2000
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June-August 2000


June 2, 2000

How do I find my passion in life?

thank you

barry r

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hello all,

I have been reading this page for 2 days. I feel for all of you because IM going through the same thing here with my hubby of almost 22 yrs. is there any stories where there is a happy ending??? Or am I still waiting and waiting on nothing???

Sazzy
 

To Tammy -
that's what I would like to know.  How are the wives supposed to cope and any advice?

LN

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June 6, 2000

to barry r

I'm starting to think that you can't find passion - that it finds you - and that it finds you when you are least expecting it and maybe even the least prepared for it. From my own experience that that of many friends we stumble on to something that brings exquisite pleasure and meaning to our lives once we gave up looking for something special and decided to apply ourselves to a less gratifying practical thing. Like volunteering in a community group our taking a practical part-time college course - or finally doing that (you can pick your own chore here) that youve meant to for so long.

Once you get busy - its like you open up a flow of energy that sometimes take you to places you did not expect - not at all related to what you were doing - call it coincidence or you can apply some new age term - but it does seem to work.

If only it could be as clear when you are in the midst of a soul sucking period in your life as it is in hindsight!

Laurie

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I have one way my husband and I have managed to cope with midlife crisis --- bot his and mine !  You need to find something the two of you can work on together.  My name is Carla Ledbetter, and at the ripe old age of 46, I've recently had my first suspense novel published in electronic format. My husband of 22 years has been my biggest supporter and my most
helpful researcher !

BLUE MOON is available from DLSIJ Press, and because of the fact that it's been on Barnes & Noble's best seller list for over six weeks in Horror and Suspense category and Romance Category, it will now be coming out in paperback in July.

Throughout all the ups and downs, my husband has been my supporter, helper, listener, and partial editor.  We've found a new closeness by working together on a single project, and although I do the writing, he does a lot of my research for me on historical sites, background sites, etc.  He checks out books for me, does a lot of my "gopher jobs, since I work full time" and has been wonderful throughout.

Maybe this will help someone else find a shared passion they can work on together, to help them find a closeness they hadn't shared before.

Carla Ledbetter
Author

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This forum has really helped me to see I'm not alone.  My husband is 58 yrs old, and has moved into our motor home and moved it to the other side of town. Same scenario as everyone else.... "Needs to find himself", "Wants to know what to do with the rest of his life"...and I doubt if it will include me! Yes, it is very hard, and if anyone has any ideas on how to cope with this please let me know.  I pray, read self-help books, talk to friends, hold down a full time job, etc.  I have a full life, and a great support group...but the pain is unreal.  We raised 4 children together, and went through some hellish years.  Now that the road is open for us - - - - yep, I'm alone and he's "finding himself." Counseling, and anti-depressants aren't helping him.  He's like a little lost boy, not knowing what to do next. He cries all the time, and it's breaking my heart.  Fortunately there is no other woman involved. Any ideas?

In Limbo      WA. State

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Dear Wives,

I wish I had some hopeful advise, but I don't.  My husband of 22 yrs started his midlife crisis August of 1998.  He said and did all of the things the others have done, including having an affair.  I did everything from leaving him plenty of space, saught counseling, begging and professing my undying love.  Nothing worked.  We are now divorced and he has been living with the
other woman for a year.  He doesn't communicate with his sons or any of his friends.  The pain at times seems unbareable, but I went to counseling myself and have joined a support group.  Our story is too common.  I have talked to many woman who have gone through the same thing and the only thing you can do is try to find happiness in a new life yourself.  Some day they
will realize their mistake and it will be too late.

Getting stronger

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I don't understand 2 things in life too well - computers and men. I don't know if you can respond to this - I don't see how to post on you bb. My fiance has never had a good work hisyory, but a recent job loss pushed him over the edge. Money means little to me - it's all the other wonderrful things about him that I love. But lack of money has made his life difficult and this I guess was the lasdt straw. I lknow I did nothing to make him put up a wall. He  says he is embarassed and acts very depressed and won't get "help." He keeps saying this time he needs to do it on his own and wants his space. He insists there are no other women and I beleive him. I asked what set him "over the edge" since he has  been in this situation before ( (unemployed). He says he looked in the mrror and saw a middle aged 44 year old with greying hair, a few more lines on his face and nothing material to show for a life well lived. He feele that he can't offer anything to his daughter (12 yrs old), to me or anyone else. He feels ashamed and empty. We used to see each other 5-6 days/wk and spoke at least daily. I havenheard from him in 5 days and haven't seen him in 9. His incoinsistancy and depression to this degree surfaced 5-6 weeks ago. Even if this relationship 
cannot be healed, I'll always love him and want to give him what he needs and understand his dilemna - his apparent paralysis to move on, to problem solve, to take advantage of opportunities presented to him. I asked him to move into my home and that he could go back to school to do something different that he'd enjoy. I told him I wanted to make my home into "our home." He said he wanted to move in once his finances were better - he wanted to move in for the right reasons and not because he couldn't take care of himself. He said he didn't want to be in anyone's shaddow - that he wanted to learn to be the leader. What can I do except let him go with my love and give him his "space." It feels like I'm doing nothing.

MKS

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I too have a Husband going through the MLC. We have been married 28 years, He left about 5 months ago. We have three children all are Teenagers, the oldest is 18. He is living with another woman, He says he wants his freedom does not want to be married any more to any one. But he is still having a relationship with a divorced woman with two sons. It seems most men walk from the marriage into a ready made relationship, the woman has a house, a car, everything. I still Love him, and tell him so. He says he loves me, but not enough. He says he does not love the other woman, however that may be untrue he may just be telling me what he thinks I want to hear. I asked when he wanted a Divorce, He said that was up to me, I told him in a year, then he says we might change our minds between now and then. I said do you mean that or are just saying it, he said he meant it. He does still act confused about his feelings. I of course find myself to be a complete fool, for still loving him but I have no 
control over it. You'd think after so much hurt and pain it would have killed my feelings for him. This is the closest thing to Hell I have ever experienced in my life. He is almost 49 I am almost 48. Who wants a woman my age, I want a relationship I miss the closeness and the companionship, I am not a bar fly. I want to try to go on with my life so I can heal and let him live his. I have never read that the Husband returns and the marriage survives. I have met many women going through the same thing I am. I have found that talking to friends and others in this predicament helps you a little. 

Drowning in misery

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To Distraught In Colorado, I read several of these Mid-life Crisis stories, I too have a husband of 28 years going through this. There is nothing more painful than dealing with this. I have read that the MLC sufferer should be understood, how not to pressure them, how not to cry or show anger or try to talk them into therapy. I do know they have some pain, but nothing like the one they leave behind, the one they tell I need space or freedom, or I just don't love you enough. Not to long ago my husband says let's just be friends. It's been almost 5 months, I have had no choice but to accept is living and sharing everything with another woman that we use to share, my kids see him every other weekend. It's as if she is now his wife and I am nothing. It's so hard to believe that after loving him so long that he has quit loving me light turning off a light switch. He very seldom communicates with me at all even though our three teenagers live with me. This other woman has wiped away all the feelings of love for me, yet he says he does not love her and loves me in a way. I've been hurt constantly, it seems to never stop. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride, I think I have some strength and he calls just to talk to the kids, or drops bye to get something and I fall apart again. It seems to never end. We have to survive I keep telling myself over and over again me and my kids. I keep hoping that I'll get the strength to go on without him. But the truth is if he walked in the door and asked to come back I'd let him. I can see how totally foolish it is, I love him against my will. I am 

drowning in Misery in Colorado.

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HI LADIES
I AM IN THE SAME SHOES AS ALL OF YOU. MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN GOING THROUGH HIS M.L.C. FOR
ABOUT 4 YEARS NOW, AND I HAVE NOTICED THE LAST FEW MONTHS HE IS VERY SLOWLY CHANGING.
I HAVE BEEN WITH HIM EVERY STEP OF THE WAY,WE MOVED FROM CANADA TO TEXAS SO HE COULD
GET A NEW CAREER OFF THE ROAD,HAS HURT ME ALOT WITH THINGS HE SAID TO MEAND THINGS HE
HAS DONE. BUT WITH THE HELP OF GOD, HE IS SLOWLY CHANGING.WITH THE 3'PS, I BELIEVE HE IS COMING BACK TO ME-- THEY ARE: PRAYER, PATIENCE AND PERSEVERANCE. THIS WEB SITE HAS BEEN A VERY BIG HELP, AS UNTIL I FOUND IT I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE GOING THROUGH THIS, BUT IT SEEMS THIS HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF COUPLES. ALL I CAN SAY IS BE THERE FOR THEM. I PUT NOTES ON THE MIRROR IN OUR WASHROOM FOR HIM, JUST SAYING "HI" ' OR "I LOVE YOU ". I EVEN PUT A ROSE IN THE WASHROOM FOR HIM WITH A LITTLE NOTE. i HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IT IS VERY HARD FOR MEN TO BEGIN TO GET OLDER,ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE HANDSOME AND REALIZE LOOKS DON'T LAST FOREVER. DURING THE LAST 4 YEARS WE HAVE FOUGHT, THEN I CHANGED, I LOST 35LBS.,CUT MY HAIR AND AM SLOWLY GETTING A MORE UP TO DATE STYLE. I HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED GOOD, BUT I WAS DRESSING MY AGE (40'S), WELL WE DON'T HAVE TOO. NOW I SEE MY HUSBAND LOOKING AT ME AND EVEN TELLING ME I LOOK GOOD. I KNOW THE PASSION IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER. LISTEN TO YOUR HEART, AND FOR GOODNESS SAKES, TRY NOT TO LISTEN TO FAMILY OR FRIENDS TOO, TOO MUCH, I DID IN THE BEGINING AND I BELIEVE NOE IT JUST ADDED FUEL TO THE FIRE. I HOPE THIS HELPS SOME YOU THROUGH THIS TRYING TIME, BUT THEY REALLY NEED YOUR SUPPORT AND LOVE.

CANADA IN THE U.S.A.

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June 13, 2000

I'm a 32 year old woman, who has never been married before, nor do I have any children. I was in a relationship with the man of my dreams for almost 3 years, until one day, he decided to leave me. I didn't see this coming at all, but he is 16 years older, and going thru Mid life crisis! We have been apart for over a year, yet it hurts so much, because he was the one. I feel very betrayed and I'm a very attractive 32 yr. old, so what will he be going after, a 21 yr. old? We still see each other, about 2-3 times a week, he goes from really nice to really mean, and I love him so much that I just stand by watching as he goes thru all of this stuff he doesn't even understand. And to top it all of, he has lost both parents in a matter of 6 weeks apart, mom passed on Jan. 29, dad on St. Patrick's Day. He says he has someone else he is starting a relationship with, but he only brings her up when he wants to upset me, I read somewhere that men will hurt their spouses, fiance, etc., so much during their MLC, and it just isn't fair to us. I feel so much pain, and I just want to support him, help me please! 

AB

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Hello~
I read your 'Story" and all i can say is Wow... are we twins? <smile> I have done the EXACT same thing as you stated you are going thru... almost  to a tee~ It is soooo hard. "We" did get a divorce as I have been moved out for 7 months and he needed to move on. But the realizations and pain are still coming thru for me. I have remorse and guilt and so much sadness... depression is with me alot of the time like waves. I loved my husband very much (still do also..due to the years of bonding) but i fell out of love with him a while ago. We are very open to all that took place for us and I was very honest with him but it still hurts and it is scary. We are still good friends  and left divorce court holding hands...but it's still painful.I have read alot and am doing work on me...internally... as no one can make me happy... it comes from within... and learning that someone can really only compliment my life.Watching him start to date is excruciating~ even tho i know it must happen for him. but it still makes me angry... why he couldnt do the things with me that I see him stronger in now, but yet deep within I know he has never completely satisfied me in the ways i needed. So why do i continue to be tormented by it all~ These things I'am learning ....it is a slow process tho and very painful.And of letting go. My boys bother me also and I have had to deal with that issue also. Counceling has helped us all but it takes so long. Now that I'am divorced... My other "friend" <same scenario as you stated with your coworker...but mine was an internet scenario> and I want to be together but the pie isnt as sweet as it seemed while i was in it.. It is a wonderful relation ship but also scary to be honest and the fear of making the same mistakes over is real. All I can do now is take it slow and work on me... internally. Having someone(Hubby) there since I was 16 (now almost 40) is the hardest to let go of~ the  empty companionship and my "best  friend" and watching him fill his voids and keeping busy as I still feel empty inside. We had a good life and He reminded me that "I threw it away." And facing that has been tough... But it was in my own pain and being tired of being angry and lonely all the time I felt I had to. He understood this but still wanted me back and I tried... But we felt we couldnt do it. I feel as tho I was "sick" and leaving was the only way I could deal with it.<always 
blaming someone else has been a pattern, I'm learning to see and take responsibility for my actions and life>My process has taken place over a course of years and mostly and the fastest in the past year... I have been thru alot and there is more that I havnt put down here. I'am stronger now but I still greive. If you need someone to talk to ,feel free to write me. I know what it's like to be "alone". And support is helpful. I wish you peace and comfort.
Lisa

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I have ready many messages and must say many of the stories hit very close to my last year with my husband.  He had hated his job for over a year and constantly griped about his boss.  My mom died and my father was dianosed with a meningioma brain tumor and the early onset of Alzhiemers.  Right after all of these tragedies, our daughter became engaged to a wonderful
young man and we had five months to plan for a wedding.  I knew my husband was destracted and acting differently, but like I said before, I chalked it up to his hating his job.

He left me the week before Christmas and came back two days before the holiday.  He said he wanted to try to work it out and we both discussed the importance in him finding work he would enjoy doing.

So...he quit his job and in January my son comes to me at my workplace (after classes) and tells me a woman had called and wanted him to know that his stepfather was having an affair..   I confronted my husband and he fimally admitted to it.  I asked him to leave as I was in total shock and devastated!  After about a week, I talked with him and told him after 14 years of marriage I was willing to go to counseling with him and work this out.  I said if the good Lord could forgive him so could I.  He said, "I don't want to come home."  "I want to start a new life."  He took his retirement and got a new apartment, satellite dish, new furniture, and clothes.; and decided to go back to his girlfriend (who is fifteen years younger then me).  He has come back twice to me crying about how screwed up he is and how much he missed me.  Only to begin seeing the OW four days later.

The divorce proceedings are going fine even though his girlfriend is wanting and urging him to get what he can.  I had this home for almost 14 years before we married.  It remained in my name until he wanted to refinance to pay off some  bills (mostly his!)(1996).

Actually to make a long sick story bearable, there are days that I actually visualize myself as a hefty garbage bag that is filled with trash that has carelessly been discarded by the curb.  I will say there are other days I know that I deserve better!  Through all of this, I want to become a BETTER person not a Bitter one!!

The hardest part of all of this is wondering how he could walk away (without a glance) to the children he help raise, an extended family he had been very close to and long time friends.  He very rarely even contacts his on immediate family.

The man who professed for many years to be my best friend and most staunch supporter has been "missing" for a very long time.  What do I do?  Continute with life and give thanks to the good Lord as he must have very special plans for me.  May God Bless going through this crisis.  It has been worse than my own mother's death and I loved her with all of my heart!
Hang in there everyone.....

JB

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All of these stories sound so familiar.  My husband has done the same thing. Started a new life as if his old one never existed.  How do you keep from feeling like thrown away garbage?  I do not want to sound desperate, but the truth is I just don't understand him and his actions.  He went from a superintendents's position to shoveling mulch.  His OW has the same statistics as me, 5 ft. 3in. blonde hair and blue eyes.  That is where the similarities end.  She has a jaded past and from what I've heard, enjoys drinking and the "wild life."

I found it interestiing that someone res[ponded on this website that I should get on with my life, that the man I knew for seventeen years and married to for fourteen years is dead and gone.

Yes, I am doing better, but it is hard to rationalize an irrationalize situation.  Perhaps someone who has been through this longer than  I this can help me.  His affair started last November and it is now June.  Any comments would be much appreciated.

JB

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I am a 44 year old woman.  I have been married for 24 years, and it is our silver wedding anniversary this year.  However, my husband has recently left only days after our daughters wedding.  He says he has no feelings for me, and that I am to blame for our problems.  The truth of the matter is that for the past 24 years, although we have had good times, there have been lots of occassions where he has felt the need to be physically abusive. 

The last occurrance of this was in January this year.  He was extremely violent on this occassion, more so than usual, and after beating me and pinning me to the floor, I had no option but to spit in his face.  This seemed to anger him more, but I had no other option.  He blames me for his anger, and that he only loses his temper with me.  He subsequently continues to bring up the fact that I spat in his face and that he cannot forgive me for it, even though I have forgiven him for much worse.

Not only has he walked out, but it would appear that he has been planning to do so for weeks.  In the weeks leading up to our daughters wedding, he asked me to take out a loan for home improvements in my name, he also withdrew money from my savings account and bought numerous items for himself without even a word of thanks.  I later found out that he had arranged to see a solicitor, and the appointment was booked two weeks before our daughters wedding.

Also, in the past my husband has been arrested by the police for indecent exposure. This has happended on two occasions and both times I have tried to work through this with him. I am now asking myself if these are the only times that he has done such things, and that the only reason I know about them is because he got caught. Within the past two weeks, since he left, I have indeed discovered that there have been other occasions of related incidents. For example, my sister who has a sight and hearing problem which at times can make her quite vulnerable, told me some years ago that whilst my husband and I were staying at my parents house where my sister still lives, my husband had gone into my sisters bedroom and stood behind her naked. When he was confronted about this he denied it and blamed the fact that my sister cannot see. At the time I believed him, now I know that what he told me is not true, like many other things he has lied about.

Even though this is the harsh truth I am finding things very difficult and I am very scared about the future. I have tried to talk to him and I have even asked him to get some counselling, but he refuses. I don't know what to do. My son has washed his hands of him as has his daughter and I know I can't trust him but I don't want to be alone. I need some kind of explanation for all this because I can't make sense of it all. Can you help?

HN

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June 18, 2000

To Much Happier Now:

It was good to hear your story and give me hope. My husband is showing all signs of MLC, he says he still loves me, but doesn't know what he wants.  He is presently away overseas, away from his work, and hopefully taking time to get clarity on what he wants.  We have been seperated for 2 1/2 months, and he is due back from his holiday early July.  He is only 38, nearing 39 and I am 40. With all the devastation, hurt and pain  re this crisis, I still very much love him, however,  I don't know how much longer I can continue like this, I pray continually for patience....  thanks for the hope. Good luck.

Living in Hope.

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Dear Bob,

Fantastic letter...........I, too, am feeling something similiar and have a loving, devoted wife............but, I am empty inside......ours was a marriage based on situations, not love on my part.

Respond if you like.

Thanks,

Howard

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LRG

I cannot believe what I am reading!  I am going through the exact same thing.  I am 28 and have been married to a good guy for nearly 6 years.  We have a beautiful 1 1/2 year old daughter.  We have a nice home, nice cars, great jobs....  We have been on the "rocks" ever since we have been married...even before, actually.  The fights are horrible.  I was attracted to him because we liked to do the same things and because of his looks (of course).  His addiction to the television and his love affair with his family (mother, father, brothers) were the sore spots, at first.  Now, golf has taken his heart away...it's all he speaks of, really.  Business trips take him away once or twice a month.  I used to be sad when he would leave...anxious for him to return, but as the fights got worse and more hurtful, I missed him a lot less...eventually not at all.  I told him the day would come, and it surely did. 

In the meantime I developed a serious crush on a married man (coworker) who was paying quite a bit of attention to me.  He is handsome, charming, and extremely intellegent.  He was paying me the compliments and attention that my husband wouldn't.  The intimacy is completely gone from my marriage.  The "other guy" is who I think and dream about.  I constantly fantasize about divorce (and have discussed the topic with my husband even three months into my marriage).  I, however, don't want to leave my husband for another man...I want to leave because things are not right between us.  Besides, the other man just might not want to leave his wife and children for me.  I also find myself fantasizing about lost loves..."I wonder where he is and if he's married..."  I husband is young, good looking and has a great career ahead of him.  He would certainly be a catch for a lucky young woman.  I am willing to give him up. I catch myself thinking of girls he could date.  ISN'T THAT SO MESSED UP???

My husband noticed something was wrong between us a few months ago, but chose to say nothing.  This has also been a major problem between us...he chooses to clam up instead of confront, which can easily be mistaken for not caring.  He has let me cry by myself too many times.  I have lost all interest in things I used to love...fly fishing, cooking, golfing...which makes me think I am clinically depressed.  I have resorted to spending money to make me feel better about myself and my situation.  I definitely see that I have a problem, but I'm having a hard time distinguishing between midlife crisis and depression.

KSC

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MY husband of eight years recently left our family.  He is 41 years old.  We have handsome 7 year old twins together.  I miss him terribly.  He is a workaholic and was never home very much.  He started acting strange  when his company hired on a women who was dating one of his supervisors.  He found something wrong with everything I said or did.  TThe harder I tried to make him happy, the worse he got.        He went to pick up a persciption and never came home.  He did'nt  call for three days.  Now he is living with his sisster and dating that woman.  I want my husband back, I want my life back.  Is ther anything I can do? 

Belinda 

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Hello to all the ladies going thru divorce in the 54 ish age. I am going thru a divorce now , I left an abusive spouse and  feel very
justifred. I can't look back and cry over spilt milk,because then I would be deafeating my whole purpose for the divorce.
I just happen to believe there has to be a better life ahead of me. 

Trust me there has been alot of pain and heartache, espically for our children even though we had wonderful children. Our children saw the abuse and sometimes , i know they must feel there a whole lot better off.

I have cried and given it to God and know he does not want to be a doormat or abused by a man, who doesn't love me.

So , if you are abused take heed..    don't wait till its too late.

From someone who has learned the hard way......................../

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June 26, 2000

WELL HERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT! I'm a 47 year old male, will be married 21 years in August if the divorce isn't finalized by that time. The difference is my wife had the mid life crisis when she turned 40. That was a year ago. She told me she had a mid life crisis and I would not like the person she had become. That she wanted independance, more money and to do whatever she wanted without having to worry about my feelings. For a year she neglected me, had no regard for my feelings what so ever. If I was angry, sad happy, excited she would just shrug and walk away. She had no respect for me. She started dating other men and told me they were just friends. The latest was our car mechanic. This situation lasted for about a year when I finally exploded and said "what the hell is going on???" She said I want a divorce, I am not doing this anymore and do not want to hurt you anymore. She moved out and filed about a month ago. She has told all our friends that she is happier than she's been in the last 25 years. She thinks she doesn't look her age (41), lost 25lbs and has changed her whole personality. She now refers to everyone as sweety or hon. This is not the same person I've spent the last 25 years with. Does this "mid life crisis" end? Will she wake up someday and relize that what we had was good? Is she truly happier with out me? I don't understand. I'm 47 and didn't expecence any changes in myself when I hit my 40s. Does mid life crisis mean fall out of love? And finally
does this happen to women alot or is just my soon to be ex wife that has experienced what seems to be a male mid life crisis? 
BobbyG

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If I had only found your web page sooner things may have been different. My wife had her mid life crisis last year at age 40 and told me I won't like the person she had become. For the first few months she really tried to be more loving towards me but I could see that it was forced and did not (in her opinion) make enough of the same attempt to make thing better. After a few months she started dating then stopped and said she had made a mistake but the whole time I could see that her love for me was gone. She just resently started to make friends with our car mechanic and going over his house. Of course this did not sit well with me and I let her know. Next thing I knew she moved out and served me with divorce papers, we have had very little contact since she filed and I have heard through mutial friends that she is feels that she happier now then she has been in years. My question is, will she ever look back and realize that she threw away a good marriage? Was it the marriage and me that was to blame? Does a mid life crisis change a person  forever or is this temporary? I know our lifes together is over but I don't think she has made a change for the better. Is my old sweet wife still in there somewhere or is she gone forever? Please help me sort this out.

Thanks,

Bob

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I am 45, a successful businessman, have a wonderful wife and family, but I am incredibly interested in another slightly younger woman who is also married and has children.  She too is interested in something other and has started to "let me know" of her interest.

My wife's values about success differ from most women, and although she is a great person, her respect for who I am disappoints me.  Of course I am quite impressive elsewhere and especially to you know who!

I have legitimate historical baggage with my in-laws and it spills over to my wife.  She's been building new bonds with her family and I think my fear of and distaste for her family is influencing my outside interests.  Perhaps I'm afraid that her new family closeness will mean something less for me?

I realize that I am infatuated, but that seems to be where all relationships start.

I do value loyalty and integrity, yet, somehow leaving one's spouse these days seems to be so common that such values seem to be eroding even in myself.

Of course you can see by reading this that I am at the go/nogo stage and feel that perhaps this will pass.  The one scary thing is that I am afraid that I'll not have a chance to find one as attractive as year go by and that if I go for it I might be the next one left for better sights in the future.

Signed,

Notyetgone

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I've been married 11 years with one 8 year old son.  We had a perfect marriage until just four months ago.  Now my husband says he doesn't know what love is, his feelings have changed, etc.  He avoids me at all costs, only coming in to eat and sleep.  We tried counseling, but he won't talk to me.  He's got away from God, which I feel is the most important thing. I've tried to be patient while he thinks this through but I'm not sure how long I should wait - especially when I don't know what I've done!  I'm
afraid a divorce would kill my son.  Sometimes I wish I were dead, but I go on for my son.  I'm emotionally dead anyway - but I honestly have no idea on how to cope.  It's nice to know others are going through this too - but is there ever a good ending to this craziness?

TR

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July 4, 2000

My name is Selina, I am 31yrs old. My fiancee' is Brian he is 42 years old. I believe he is going through the mid life crises or what they call male menopause.  Brian is a very successful lawyer.  I am very worried about him. He is depressed all the time and very moody these days. He cries about a lot and has frequent thoughts of death. He worries so much about everything to
the point of self destruction. I have noticed these changes in him getting worst over the last year or so. I don't see the faults in him as he does. Its like he has turned the microscope in on himself. I think he is a wonderful person and it just breaks my heart to see him going through this emotional turmoil.  Is there a book you can recommend or anything that I can do to make this better for him? Please help we really need some advice on how to approach this change in life.

 Sincerely,

Selina

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My story is similar to those above.  My husband is 42, I am 40.  We have been married for 15 yrs and have two sons, one of 14, one of 11.  We have been together for 22 yrs.

Over the past 2 to 3 yrs, we have been fighting a lot with my husband behaving in a most selfish way, only wanting to do what he wants to do etc. He has been very cold and nasty to me, revealing some deep-seated resentments to me, mainly to do with us moving countrys twice and him having to rebuild his career, which as it turns out, is not fulfilling any longer and he is talking of going back to university full-time (financially impossible at the moment) to study history.  He also says that he resents being the sole breadwinner which hurts me terribly as our older son has had enormous learning difficulties (he has mild autism) and this has resulted in me being preoccupied with his issues.

I am sure this is a MLC - in fact I think I am going through one of my own as I am looking at studying too so that I can change careers as I am unwilling to do what I did before I had the kids.  Are we on a MLC Collision course here and what can be done about this?  Can we compromise so that both of us get what we want?  What generally tends to happen when both parties in a marriage go through an MLC at the same time?

Thanks
Rachel

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Page after page of heart breaking stories. Many sound very similar to my own. Yes, I believe in a midlife crisis. My husband and I have lived through it. It comes from developmentally taking stock of what you have or donít have, of fearing dreams may be just that and trying one last time, to

make them come true. So many variables can effect one at midlife from children leaving to parents dying, to losing or changing oneís job. Midlife is a critical time for us all.

My advice for anyone in a midlife crisis or living with someone who is, is to recognize it for what it is, and realize that you can come out on the other side of it, if you want to badly enough. That is, if there is enough of a foundation to begin with and you include God in that foundation. The alternative is not as attractive as it seems at first.

I feel I am one of the few lucky ones that dodged the bullet so to speak. Enough time elapsed that my husband and I realized what we had together and didnít follow through on the divorce papers. Now we are happier than we have been in 25 years. It took a lot of hurt and patience; so much so that it is doubtful many people would have stayed in for the long haul. It took 2 years of open suffering (not counting the previous years that led up to it), months of separation and much physical and mental anguish to get to the "other side".It scares me to think how close we came to losing all we now have.

Sherry

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My husband started his mlc 6 months ago.  He drastically changed overnite.  He has told me all the same thing every one else has heard.  He is not happy with and has not been for awhile and don't know why ect.  The first 3 months he would not even look at me. He know will look at me, but only speaks if he has to. He will not tell me anything about what he is thinking, feeling ect.  He dropped 30lbs, worries about looks, goes out with a friend of ours to play pool with 5/6 times aweek.  If our friend is not available he will take me, but will not talk to me except about pool.  We have been married 18 years and have daughter 17 (almost 18). She pretty much has her own life with work, school and extra activities.  we got into it about 2 months ago and he thought we should cool it for awhile (seperate)so,  I offered to move to my moms to give him some space or even he move
to my moms, but he said no, becuase that would upset our daughter to much and he did not want that. I said are we just suppose to do our own thing until she grads next fall and he said I don't know how long it will take to get through this. We were suppose to let each other know where each other was at.. Ha! Two nites later I came home to him gone and I knew where
he was but he didn't tell me or leave me a note ect. I was furious and so was my daughter. I was sitting on our front porch waiting on him to come and I was going to tell our friend "you guys want to spend so much time together you take him home with you". Well my daughter came out doors and took me in the house and she wanted to go get her dad and really chew him out. I talked her into waiting  until he got home. Well 15min later here he came. I went to our room and she was waiting for him at the front door and really jumped him bad. He started crying and talked to her for awhile.  He came to our room and came and sat down beside me and cried that he was sorry and loved me and  when he was out with our friend he was out with him
only. That has been two months ago and he is still home and not speaking.  I am the only person he treats like this.  My mom works for him 2/3 days a week. She says he is same at work.  He has told people at work we have not been getting along, but tells my family that he has a couple of problems to work out.  My mom finally ask him if we were going to make it through
this and he said he thought so. He changes his mind everyday so that meant nothing to me.  Why does he tell me and our family that it is not me, just him and he has a couple of problems to work out and then tells coworkers, we haven't been getting along.  I really feel everyone he works with knows more about what is going on with him than I do. After 18 years together and he not trust me and everyone else to know more of our ploblems that I do really hurts.  Another thing that really hurts, is I breast cancer 7 years ago and we were both really worried and upset about that and now to think that he can't stand me and does'nt want me any more really hurts also.  Last fall he spent alot of money on a new wedding ring set for me, I dont understand why a man would waste that kind of money on someone he doest care for anymore.  We have been blessed with beautiful daughter,  greats jobs, friends, family, beautiful home, pool, huge huge deck ect. Why does a man what to give this all up?
His father did pass away at age 42, his uncle 48, my did 57, his step-father 54, one boss at 50 something, another boss at 46.  My husband will be 41 in a few weeks, could this be playing a major roll in his mlc? If so, why would I be the only person he treats to badly?  I  have been e-mailed a couple of pleases for advise or input on this and never received a response.  i pray you will give me some insight. I still wonder if I should go spend time with my mom to give him time alone, or does it sound like it might be do late.  He has not had a real conversation in 6 months. Thank you for any advise you might have.

BA

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I have been married for 10 years I have two children 6 and 2, I am going on 29. Is it possible to have a mlc at this age? I don't want to go home, I don't want to be with my husband. I missed out on the "usual" 20's stuff because we married so young "we were in love" (and stupid). I want to have more friends. I want to feel selfish, it seems like I do everything for everyone but myself. I just recently started looking at my married from the outside and wondering what I was doing. My husband and I are close but we have nothing in common - I think we have grown apart. I want a companion who is my friend, I feel that we definetely don't have that. It could be because I have matured and can see that I haven't done much for myself, but I couldn't imagine being selfish because I haven't ever been that way.

SA

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I am writing because I am married to a man I dont even know anymore.  He was a kind man in the begining but now he has been caught in a few lies and won't admit it.  The most recent being he took my bank card (in my name only) and charged some explisite things on it and then when our checking account overdrafted by a large sum of money he denied any part of it. He has had 8 jobs in the past three years and I am afraid everyday he comes home that he won't have his job.  I have an 11 yr old
by at home and my 17 yr old daughter just moved in with her fiance' because she couldn't take him anymore. He is 36 so I know its a mid-life crisis but I can't take much more of it.  I will go insane... help?

Confused and scared

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Response to Bob's letter:

I know it is very hard on you.  My husband has put me through the same turmoil you mentioned.  We (the midlife crisis spouse) at one point blame ourselves and then realize it was nothing we had done.  My husband had an affair, quit his job, moved out, spent 18,000.00 dollars in six months time, got a new apartment, furniture, and refused to go to counseling and flat out "did not want me..  I asked him just the other day if he realized what he had done.  He said, "Yes, I walked out of my life."  At one point a few months ago, we began talking and dating.  Only for me to find out he was still seeing the OW.

As we were going over the divorce papers the other day I told him I understand that people get a divorce and "fall out of love" all the time, but how do they "fall out love with the children they raised?"  He chocked up and said, "I am just "screwed-up."

I truly wished I could answer your GOOD questions....what are the statistics of these confused people that we loved?  Will they  ever come back to the way they were....considerate, caring, and compassionate?  No one has answered that question or given even a time frame.

Like someone told me on this site,  He as you knew him  no longer exists. Consider him dead...How profound!

I truly wish many of these letters could be responded to.  There are so many important questions left unanswered.

I wish you the best and may god bless you....This is the hardest thing I have gone through including my own mother's death....who I loved very much...but my husband was my best friend, confidant, companion, and lover.......I see reminders of him everywhere I go and when I do meet with him I see emptiness behind those eyes and a man I no longer recognize.  I
will pray for you and hope you see a change in your wife sooner than later.......Take care.........

JB

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I feel stupid but I need to know why do I think that my husband wants someone else? He is very good to me! I dont understand myself. I feel that I am not attractive anymore.I am eight years younger than my husband. He tells me that I am acting stupid.He also tells me how good that Ilook. What is wrong with me? (I am almost 40)

CH

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I am a 37 year old male and have been married for 17 years.  My wife and I have two children.  The last eight months have been a rollercoaster. My wife and i did have a mutual friend that we have been partying with the last eight months.  About 3 weeks ago I had enough of the party lifestyle.  My wife said fine ok by her she would just go out and party without me.  She
had been acting funny for sometime.  Anyway I threw a fit at her answer and she said that we should seperate.  I left for 4 days and she continued to party with our friend.  She called and said that she wanted a divorce and we could do it uncontested.  She later added that she would take care of all the bills and have my youngest child live with her.  I get to live in this house with my 14 year old.  My wife says that she still cares about me and would like to remain friends but she did not love me anymore.   last week I ran by my house to get something early morning.  Our friend was there.  She had spent the night.  I waved at her on her way out and found my wife crying.  I asked her what was wrong and she said that she had a bad day and had been crying all night.  Later she admitted that it was because she felt guilty about doing this to me.  So I am back in my house and she is in an
apartment.  She says that all she really wants is to be alone and not have to get anyones permission to go out and do they things she really wants to do. She says that I have told how to think and feel for years.  She is now going to find herself.  I am miserable. I want her back.  I love her.  She will not go to couseling.  I am seeking counseling now. What can I do to get her back?  I am not calling her everyday and hassling her.  I probably was not the best husband but I know I am a good person that cares about others and have put my feelings and wants behind hers for years. what can I do?

PJ

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July 13, 2000

MIKE.  I AM COMING UP TO MY SECOND ANNIVERSARY OF MY WIFE'S MID-LIFE CRISIS. ANUG 18/1998 MY WIFE TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS NO LONGER IN LOVE WITH ME AND THAT SHE WAS GETTING "WARM LOVING FEELINGS FROM A PEER AT WORK".  THE PEER WAS/IS GAY AND THEY MET THREE OR FOUR TIMES TO DISCUSS MY WIFE'S FEELINGS, LOST DREAMS AND WHAT I WAS AND COULD NOT BE."
IT IS NOW JULY 5/2000 AND WE ARE NO FURTHER A HEAD.  I DO NOT KNOW THIS WOMAN OF 17 YEARS.  OUR ANNIVERSARY IS JULY 28/2000.  DATES ARE UNIMPORTANT. SHE IS 45 AND GOING THRU PERIMENOPAUSE/MIDLIFE TRANSITION.  THERE IS SO MUCH TRANSFERENCE, ANGER, MOOD SWINGS ANDOTHER MEDICAL THINGS THAT I SEE.  SHE REFUSES TO BELIEVE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER AND SADLY VERBALIZES LOTS OF DISCOMFORT WITH ME.  "THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO MARRY MONEY, SHE IS UP THERE AND I AM DONE HERE, WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON, IF WE DID NOT HAVE KIDS I
WOULD LEAVE YOU, IF I MET MY SOUL MATE I WOULD LEAVE YOU AND THE KIDS IN A MINUTE. "  YES, I HAVE HEARD IT ALL.  SO HURTFUL, SO PAINFUL...EXSPECIALLY SINCE OUR BEAUTIFUL 13 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS AWARE NOW OF MUMMYS' SENTIMENTS AND FEELINGS TOWARDS DAD. ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT I HAVE COMPLETED MY THIRD PERIOD OF COUNSELLING.  I LOVE MY WIFE FOR ALL THERE IS.  I HAVE FAITH IN THE GOOD LORD AND FLOOD THE GATES OF HEAVEN.  FAMILY IS SUPPORTIVE BUT TIME IS NEEDED.  I WILL BE THERE FOR MY KIDS AND BE THE "ROCK OF GIBRALTER" FOR THEM WHILE INSIDE MY HEART AND SOUL ARE BREAKING UP. 

PATIENCE, LOVE, UNDERSTANDING AND RESPECT ARE THE FEELINGS I HAVE FOR MY WIFE BUT IT IS HER ISSUES AND I HAVE STOPPED BLAMING MYSELF.  I CAN ONLY SUGGEST HAVING GONE THRU THESE PAST TWO YEARS THAT PERSONAL GROWTH IS PAINFUL AND THAT COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY IF THOSE IN CRISIS COME BACK.  THEY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.  I LIVE ON A FOUNDATION OF BEAUTIFUL PREVIOUS DREAMS AND EXPERIENCES WITH MY WIFE.  NOTHING ELSE CAN REPLACE THEM..WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FUTURE IS IN THE HANDS OF GOD AND MY WIFE. 

KJM

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Well, If it wasn't happening to me, I would not have believed what a midlife crisis is.  It is pure hell!  Everything in my life has been thrown up in the air and I question everything.  It is ruining my life and I feel totally helpless to do anything about it.

It doesn't help that my wife is not supportive of me and my needs.  She is very selffish and I see her differently now than I used to.  She is very nice to people that can give her something in return, but I don't think I ever saw her give something without strings attached.  She even uses her kids to her advantage.  And she lies!  How can anyone have a relationship with someone like that?

This just exaserbates the whole situation.  I have been controlled for the past five years and I am really sick and tired of it.  I want to live my life or the life we used to have not what we have now.

The problem is, I honestly don't know if it is me or her.  I know I caused it, but I have been trying to get it back for the last couple of years and I just can't seem to get it back.

I hope someone can relate.

EE

_______________________

LRG 

hang on strong.   I hope that "empty" filling leaves.  I feel your pain

WW

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I, too, am dealing with my husband's MLC.  Actually, its more of an All life crisis!  He seems to go in cycles, every few years, where he feels this way.   He is 37 now, I am 39. We have been married for only 5 years, but been together for 15.  We have to wonderful children,ages 2 & 7.  My main concern is for them.  Knowing him, I am afraid that he will realize after a while, that what he wants, he's had all along.  Just as he has in the past. He gives the same reasons you all have mentioned....not happy, too much pressure, arguing, just doesnt want to be married anymore.  Fidelity has never been an issue with us.  He is not what I would considered "normal" in the sexual drive dept.  I had to make adjustments on my side, to not make sex a big issue.  He basically did whatever he wanted, I always supported him in anything he wanted to do.  I love him very much, and don't want to divorce.  I have suggested counseling, anything to fix whatever is wrong. He shows absolutely no interest in facing the problem.  One day he says he loves me, the next, he cant say that he does.  I'm so confused!  I guess I just don't understand
exactly what it is that he is missing in his life.  He has some emotional issues that I think he needs help with, but he refuses to get
it.  He has never been much for intimacy, or the huggy-kissy type, and I honestly think THAT is part of the problem!

Anyway, I hope you all gather up your strength, and believe that everything happens for a reason...maybe you all will find someone who really appreciates you!  I know thatI deserve better, and never expected it....maybe that was my fault.  But if this divorce becomes final....we will too.  I won't take him back again...and I won't put my kids thru it again.  He is a good father, and we at least agree on anything to do with the kids....I just hope he sticks to his end of the support issue.

Thanks for the forum....I think it helps to know you are NOT alone!

CL

_______________________
 

Hi,
    I read your letter and I really feel for you. You even saw him sucking face? Don't wait around to see "how long this last"  because you deserve so much better than this crap! Do you want to be going thru this crap 10 years from now? When he starts acting funny and telling lies and you're questioning and wondering where he's going etc., etc.,. Get rid of the jerk, get thru the pain and move on-he's not gonna change. I've been there done that. My ex cheated on me 7 years ago. Had an on-line affair
which turned into a real affair. I forgave him. And now here I am 7 years later going thru a divorce because he started the same crap again. Yes, I miss the marriage, yes I miss what we had at one time, but he's no the same person anymore. I don't know who the hell he is and I don't care I'll be better off without all the wondering and lies and uncertainties and so will you. Sorry for the cold hard truth. Take Care--dj

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I am a 37yr old  father and currentley married with a 15 and 14 yr boy and a 11yr girl. My spouse of 16yrs has told me once again that she has no feelings for me. About 5yrs ago she said the same thing and left me and the kids for about 2 1/2 months. I was in shocked after coming home from a military deployment. I talked to her friends and they all said that she was not seeing anyone. It's just that she needed some space to think of what to do with her life her words. When she came back she said she was wrong and being in love with her I gave in. Now the same thing is happening once again. Now she tells me that the reason she came back was that she didn't think i could handle raising the children during those times. We had a long talk about what she plans to do. She wants some time to think so I gave in, it's been 1 week now. Her friend call me up and said that she is staying with them. They live about 3hrs away. The kids doesn't know whats really going on. All they know is she went to a friends house for awhile.I am in a state of confusion. Determining if this will be a repeat performance of 5yrs ago. Friends I have talked to say to let it go and go on with my life. I still have feelings for my spouse. Do I except her back if she comes back?

Desperate and Confused

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To Bob:

I think that after this length of time you should let your wife go and meet someone else besides you.  Sometimes people can't see clear until they are out of the situation far enough.  You are the one with the problem.  Forget the commitment of marriage.  This is not a full marriage.  Give her the consideration to leave you and make another life for herself with a man who will probably fulfill all of her needs.  It surely must be painful to have to live in a marriage without every facet of it.  Probably if you were free to live with your other love full time, you would probably come to some realities in that picture as well.  It will become everybit as routine as everyday life .  Marriage is like a quilt.  It has patches, different colors and strengths of materials that reflect a couple's life together.  You sound like you take your wife for granted and not enough credit is given to her to be emotionally stable to get over you.  It will hurt, but just for a little while. 

CK

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I have been a real pain to my wife and kids.  I'm glad I found your website to know that I am not alone in this crazy mixed up condition.  I have talked to my wife about it and suggested for myself everything from suicide to cocaine.  I even told her I was going to walk out into the desert and never come back.  I can't help the feelings I'm having.  Because of my kids I will not do myself in.  I know how I felt when my dad died at a very young age.  I am leaving this Saturday for Las Vegas for two weeks.  No, not going to call escorts.  I do feel like I would like someone else once.  We got married too young, I am 48 now and it seems like there is much less in common between us.  I hate what I "m going to my wife because she was abused when she was young by her father.  If there was something I could take to lesson my desire for other women I would take it in a heartbeat.  I don't know what I will do now.  I know now at least due to your website that I am not alone.  Thanks so much for that.  Have a happy forever. 

Greg

July 17, 2000

Hi all, and thanks for visiting Best Years. I'm going to be away from my computer for about 8 days so I wont be able to post messages. However, send them anyway, and I'll catch up just as soon as I return home. Have a good day.

Mike

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July 25, 2000

KJM

I was amazed when I read your letter.  My husband told me August 6, 1998, that he was unhappy and didn't love me anymore.  Our anniversary is coming up too, July 17.  It would have been 24 years.  Sadly we are now divorced and he is still acting like a stranger.  He was always a good husband and someone our friends admired.  He became an angry, cold and selfish person. He pretty much treated me like dirt.  There was nothing I could do right. He told me he hadn't been happy for years, yet I though we had a very happy marriage.  Then the lies began.  He lied about where he was going and who is
was with.  (his secretary)  Whoever said midlife crisis is pure hell is absoutely right.  I have never, ever had anything so awful happen to me.  I did go for counseling and as much as I still loved him I realized that I don't deserve to be treated like a dog, no matter what he is going through. I tried to help him and he just kicked me in the teeth.  What happened to him? Why is he so evil?  I pray they he comes to his senses and returns to his old self, but how could I ever trust him again.  I wish there was a pill
for this.  Dating at 45 is awful.  I am so lonely, yet I am not comfortable going to bars or putting ads in the paper.  Isn't it amazing how one person could create such termoil? By the way, Happy Anniversary.

Getting stronger

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Hi,
  I am  26 yrs. old and my father had a heart attack less than 2 yrs ago and ever since his attitude has changed completely...He's been making my mothers life a living hell, and it is just killing me to see her being hurt so badly 
with no way to deal with it. My father is constantly making cutting hurtful comments on EVERYTHING, my mom doesn't feel like she can confront him on it because she lives in constant fear that it will cause him to have another heart attk. So she keeps all of her feelings bottled up inside and it's really starting to take it's toll on her. My dad even goes as far as to say 
"...well, this isn't stressful.." (real sarcasticly) when she ever trys to tell him about how she feels. I live over 900 miles away from them, but we have always been a close family. My question to you is is this normal behavior and could his attitude be related at all to medication he is now on(pravachol, atenolol, he also takes profibe) ? Thank You so Much for Your Response

Andy

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Midlife Poetry:
 

The Water at the Weir

by

Hay Machine (e)

The black river hanging like syrup at the weir
rushing and sweeping down the buttress wall
this living ancient artery loiters here
a black hissing mirror where
a willow leans out dipping dripping weeping

That was forty years ago and still this night
if I walked through the wet grass and the brambles
I would hear the same washing sluice
the soaked clay clinging in the darkness
the scurry of rats and the water hens

Black full with the seeping of grave-seep
carrying our worst fears to the sea
flushing the land while its bank hobbits
sleep under damp eaves
guardians of the water world

When it rains the circles and their circles ring
and open out from their dropping drips
and sing across the river skin
another song the river sings
kissing the black water this side of the weir

The grey ribcage of a rowing boat
carpeted in moss and rot half sunk
the paint can lying half full
and ready for bailing
all tied with wet string to the night

_______________________

 For a years now, i have suffered every emotional pain know to man. i love my wife to death and i would do anything for her. i gave her everything to help her feel more secured about us and our marriage. we have two kids together, a boy and a girl.  she said she love them to death and she would never do anything to break our family apart.

It all started two years ago, she took a business trip out of state.  i never even saw it comming.  i called her everyday when she was gone. she never call me back once.  the day before she came back home, i finally got a hold of her. we talked and i asked how everything was.  she answered all my questions really fast and with no emotions.  before we hangup the phone i said I love you, she didnt answer back right away like the way she used to. i knew it right the way that something has happended.  i was so mad, but i didnt say anything.  she said she just worked and hungout with her the guy she went with. 

we broke up that day she came back.  she said she doesn't know if she loves me anymore, she doesn't know if i love her anymroe. she said we sould split up and figure things out.  she said it was my fault that she cheated on me. she said it just happend, she didnt mean for it to happened, it just happened she said.  i didnt know what to do, i cried and cried and i walked
out the door. 

i love her so much and with all my heart and soul.  after couple days i went to see her, i told her it was ok, it was my fault that i didnt see how miserable she was.  she ask for my forgiveness and i asked for hers.  i kept my pain to mysefl for months, i said nothing, i tried everyday to help her realized how beautiful our marriage was and how wonderful our family was.  i started to believe that everything was going to be ok.  god knows i love her nad will do anything for her.

one day i saw a strange phone no. on the caller id. i dint think anything of it.  one night the phone rang and it was him. we talked and argued.  she has been talking with him for the past couple months.  she lie and lie and lie and lie, time after time.  i forgave and gorgave time after time.  she said she was still unsure about my love for her, she doesnt know if i love her, or if she wants me in her life.  ater that she started going out all the time, asking me for space. she said she needed space to think and to get
her life together. i tried to understand. i let her go out with her friend, guys and girls. all i asked was that she doesnt come home too late and to call me.  everytime she goes out she never come home before 4 am, and she never called to tell if she were going to be late.  so many nights i sat at home and cried.  for almost a year i havent had a good nite sleep.  havent i tried, can anyone help me.

we have everything together, we are both successful. we have everything, two house and cars.... why can we have love. and honesty. i asked her to be honest about everything, i told her to tell me every and i wont be mad.  one day she called me   when i was out of town for business.  she never called me when im out of town.  i knew right then that i was gonig to be hurt again.  she said she's been seeing someone. but she still loves me but just confused. she doesnt know if im the one she wants to be with.  i love her so much, no matter what i still forgive, but just cant forget. she said when we're together everything seem ok, but when we're apart she just wan't sure, she said she gets mixed feelings all the time. we are still together. i still love her, i think im writing too much. sorry.

from:  love hurts and always will

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 I really want to know why do married girls betray their husband not all of course but some but i want reason why do girls do that is it in their sicological or internal body design or what i see that everyday and when i was abroad studying and here i mean everywhere  guys also do that but not much i just do not know why married girls or women do that.

AK

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I need to know were can I obtain help with my former significant other in his mid life crisis.  Please advise I need to understand what is going on.

Please reply at your earliest convenience.

Thank you

Debbie

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July 31, 2000

Got into your web page looking for lost feeling and thought maybe you can give me a few words which could help me before I  lose my mind. I am 44 years and living in East Africa where I have been an expatriate for many years. My wife is 10 years younger than me and we are having a severe crises in our 7 years marriage (we have been together for about 11 years)

For quite some years we have been living with problems and we have been seeking counseling but to be honest without much luck, basically I think because I never realized what my wife was missing, hence I was never really able to offer her what she wanted. In addition she was never too good telling me and she sort of felt that "if I loved her I should know"

Recently she went on holiday and she found someone else - I am devastated and can not imagine having a life without her. We have two beautiful children and recently we bought our dream house. My wife is very honest and she tells me everything (I think) she is not really interested in leaving since we are not talking of "just moving around the corner" but to another continent. Therefor children etc. is not such an easy issue and apart from that she is very happy with our home.

She has for quite some years told me that "I took her for granted" and I was never able to see that; I've been working 12 hours a day, been very involved in committee work,  Rotary, and a very keen deep sea fisher with own large motor yacht , apart from that I reckon that I have developed a bit of an alcohol problem or let us say a relative large consumption.
 

I now realize that I was never really there to take part in my family, in my children and in my wives life. Everything I did I did by myself and I felt that from my wife I had only complains. I felt it was unreasonable when my wife had any demands because I
was providing - I see now I was wrong and I see where I have gone wrong - I am trying my best to make changes ie. I stopped drinking, I go to fitness center with my wife, I run in the morning with my wife (not with the "boys") - I go with my family to church on sundays (which I before always left for my wife) I leave work at 5 p.m. (Not 7-8 p.m.) I call my wife several times during the day, I write e-mails to her, I take her out for dinner, I pay her a lot of attention, I make her feel loved and important, I take my family on tours - I am aware that I can not change my wife but only myself.

My wife says she loves me but she has lost "that loving feeling" - No doubt that the guy she met has made her realize how she can still feel and how wrong her life is - I have tried that myself in earlier relationship. She is talking about going to UK for a
while then maybe she would miss me, but I am sure she will then meet up with the guy she met from US in which case she can as well go to US in the first case as I am not capable of letting her try out her new found love and then come back if it doesn't work - I am saying stay here and let us work it out do not run away from our problems.

I can forgive that she was with someone else because I am also to blame but it is a turf one that she has lost her feelings for me - I feel that I am worth loving and obviously I need to be loved just like everybody else. My wife thinks that maybe it is too
late for me to try to make all these changes and she doesn't trust that the changes are here to stay , she feels that she is tired of living for someone else and now she want to live for her self and put her wishes in front. I am scared and sad is there anything you can tell me can I do more? - should I do less? - as you can properly sense I have a very strong love for my wife, the saying of "you don't know what you have until you loose it" is only so true and yes I did take her for granted I stole of her love.

She used to go out with friends, both male and females and I felt that was fine cause obviously I could not give her the attention she wanted or I did not really know what she wanted - now I am suddenly becoming the jealous guy I remember my self as years ago.

Things are of course not getting better in these days of modern technology and this &^%$#^ guy she met keeps sending her e-mails offering her to come to him. She has problems letting go - I have even told her that if that is the case then she has to go but so far luckily she is staying.

Drop me a line I need some advise

Kind regards

Henrik

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Iam a 35 year old man looking for my father, Lewis and my sister Angela. I hve not seen either of them since 1978.  If anyone has any information whatsoever, please e-mail me.
Thank you,  James Olmstead
patfromjustin@webtv.net (Pat Kelsey)

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After 22 years as executive and starting up new profit centers inside corporations, and more recently formed a company as CEO and shareholder, suffered from buy-outs and corporate politics. As a matter of fact, bringing companies to next level never rewarded me with a career future, but rather some money, and the burden to search the next challenge. Today, father of 4 in a very good balanced family, I am totally confused. I want to change career. I still need a relatively high life standard we got to be used to. But since moved to US from France, have lost some appetite for communication jobs due to language (even I do maste English well). Am a marketing, fighting to create visibility, market entry, strategist, visionnary etc. Travelled thousands of miles away from family to do the job. The confusion is such that if someone asks me what I want to do, I have no answers for it.

So what I want to do is to conclude a 12 months search (financially urgent I reach a breakthrough) and find some kind of coach to answer to that question. Also, friends or previous co-workers don't seem to be able to help.

Thanks if you can

Andre

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Andre--I think there are personal career counseling coaches on the Internet. I suggest typing the terms in a search engine and see where it leads. BTW, if anyone knows some useful sites, respond to this post and I'll list the URL's

Good luck, Andre.

Mike

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August 5, 2000

I've been married for twelve years.  I had a great career in the military for 16 years before I blew it with a DUI.  It really crushed my wife and she said that she stopped caring at that point.  Now, a year later, she has had a couple of affairs that I am aware of.  I still love her.  She is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am today without her.  I presently have an excellent, well paying job, but if I lose her, then I don't think that I would ever be as successful.  Please help.

Rich

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I need to know what makes a person lie about everything under the sun????? My 25 yrs old step son lies constantly about things that don't even matter!! Ex: he tells us voluntarily that he makes $10.00 and hour and he actually makes $6.00, we don't understand this--- he has lost so much due to this problem, his wife left him, has had 2 vehicles taken back by the bank, and he never accepts that he has lied, it is very hard to confront him, he leaves long enough for everything to blow over, he lives with his grandmother, who he hates, and would love to live with his father and I, but we flatly refuse!! we know that he would never
leave, and plus if he is not there then we never have to ask him to move out, he comes to stay with us, and tries to slowly move in, but I end up packing up his things and setting them by the door or in his truck, I can hardly stand to look at him anymore cause of his lies, His father is broken hearted over all of it, and of course embarrassed.  Should he be confronted on every occasion??

Please let me know ASAP
Amber 

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I was searching the web for help with inferdility and came across this web site.  I have found the stories I have read here to be very helpful.  I am 39 years old and my husband is now 42, we have four boys, but one is deceased, we have been married for 19 years.  Last year my 34 year old brother passed away, my brother was very close to me and was my husbands best freind.  He was a bleeder and contacted aids from factor 8, which is a human blood product.  My brothers illness was very hard on
us, when I look back I spent alot of time helping my mother with my brother, what sister wouldn't.  The day my brother died my husband went to a mens club, Iam sure to get drunk.  He meet a dancer and apparently paid her for her time, they got to know each other.  They carried on a realationship for three months before I figured anything out!  When I confronted my husband, he had just returned from this club where she work during the day and of course he was drunk.  We got in to a very bad fight, I called the police because he had his gun out, I was worried he was going to kill himself because for this three months he had been acting very strange and often talking out dieing.

Needless to say, he was arrested and a restraining order was placed on him.  He was living in a motel for 7 weeks, during this time I had seen him on several occasions and always there was passion.  He keep telling me this has nothing to due with me.  I didn't understand, as like the other ladies I totally trusted him.  When I asked him why he did what he did, he indicated that my brother took up all my time, and he didn't feel loved anymore.  He did not know if he could live with me any more, He alway said he loved me.  But than he would go back to (this dosn't have anything to due with you).  I was not two worried about this women because she was a stripper, she had been married four times and had five kids, and lived in a trailer.  However, I was never so hurt in my life. I felt all the feeling the other ladies felt, I thought I would die.

My husband asked me if he could come home after the hunting week he scheduled with my other brother and friends.  I said yes!!  Well he did return,  and the strange thing is, There is such an improvement in our relationship, sex like, communcation, parenting.  I can't hardly believe it!!  He has informed me this was the biggest mistake he had ever made, and has begged me to forgive him!!  Thats what I having trouble with.  I fear this will happen again, I still don't trust him, when he is gone I have a sick felling in my stomach.  However, it has been 10 months now and I have not found any reason to believe this relationship is still
going on.  I feel like I am waiting for the shoe to drop.

I no longer trust my instints or judgement,  I was wondering, has anyone else expericenced this type of MLC, if so due you think my husband is capable of being truthfull about his love for me.  Can a man due what he did and it didn't really mean anything solid.  Or due you think this could be all lies and he is still being dishonest.

I would appreciate any help on the trust issue.

Trying to forgive

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After reading these e-mails I am wondering if anyone has heard of midlife crisis.  I am 34 years old, but my husband is only 27.  We  have been married for almost four years and dated for three years  prior to that.  He once loved me  very much and I have always loved him.  Unlike  most of you there are no  children, but my pain is enourmous.  My husband and I have  had two 
very difficult years and a  year ago he met a girl in  collage and developed a crush on her.  This woman was  married and we we  became great friends  as couples.  I discovered  he had deeper feelings for her  only a few  months ago and  not long after he  told me he wanted to divorce me.  with in three weeks he had  changed his mind and asked me to come home.  He asked that we end our friendship with the other  couple.  I agreed and  explained to the my friend that the friendship had to die.
One week ago I found out that   he was  still calling her.  I wants a divorce from me even though she has no intention of  leaving her  husband.  He tells me that she is only a simptom of our marriage  problems.  He has told me that  he doesnt desire me but desires other   women.  When I ask why he  tells me that he has been with me   for 6 years and that he no long  finds me a 
challenge.  He has a  back ingury and he has not gotten the  piolet job he always wanted and is deeprest over  these  issues as well.  Although he is only 27 and has a full set of hair he is now takeing Propesha. I am a   christin woman and I too  believe in  prayer.  I  pray and talk to God all day.  My greatest fear is that he will want me back only when it is too late and I am affraid to take him  back.  I am  hurt so deep and I dont want to feel this  way ever again.  I feel life  can be so  crule.I wish I had a  cristal  ball to tell me what will  come.  At this paint leaving the marriage is  painful and taking it back is a  gamble that my 
result in  even more   pain----that wich does not kill you seems to torcher you merslessly.

NC

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August 15, 2000

Hi, I really am having a mid-life crisis, My husband of 4 years is driving me crazy. Before we married he has a drug problem for sometime now, he has been in and out of drug centers, but he has fallen off the wagon again, I am really in the word of God, and i do everything that is the Lord's will, he is very verbally abusive, and he curses alot, he has alot of anger in hm,  I have threaten to leave him on many occasions, I have one child with him, and i have another child that is not his he calls my son that is 14 yrs old names that hurts his feeling, my daughter is 2 years old.  He goes to church every blue moon. he does not serve God as i do, I have prayed to the Lord everyday, for him to be delievered, because when he is not doing drugs or drinking he could be the sweetest person you would ever want to meet, but i just can't deal with all of the verbal abuse, he will be taken some anger classes due to offesive touching earlier part of the year with me. I don't know how much more of this i can take, he say he wants to get help and change, but i don't belive he want to change for himself, he wants to change for me, i think he went to this last drug rehab, for me not for himself. that is why it is not working.

God Bless
Julie

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hi

my name is Jonathan.  I think I just put the final nail in the coffin of my marriage today.  Actually we have been pretty separate (including residentially) for years.  I think you said keep it short so... I know I'm in for some lonelyness, AND what I would like to share is passionate (not necessarily sex) interests and telling of stories.

If you want more info, reply to this e-mail (this post--editor).  It would be nice to hear from you.

Jonathan

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I am also dealing with a husband who is going through a mid-life crisis.  I pray that we can make this work.  We are seeing a counselor, and before that, I would have given us no chance.  I am very scared...I don't want to do this to our three children who are 13, 10 and 4 mos. He is looking for something. He loves me and then sometimes he doesn't feel so close.  I am trying to be supportive, but sometimes just want to run away...any suggestions are welcome.  Linda
 

I am a stay-at-home Mom who will be 38 on Friday.  My husband will be 40 in November.  We have 3 beautiful children ages 9, 8 and 5 that we both adore.  Two and a half weeks ago, one week before our 11th Anniversary, he broke my heart.  I discovered he had been having an affair with a married co-worker, age 40, who has been married for 10 years.  At first he denied it, but the cover-up story he fed me was so ridiculous, he finally admitted the truth after I continued to ask questions.  He says they've been having sex since April.  When I asked him to try and explain why it happened he said she made him feel special and felt like they were meant to be together.  Our families are shocked.  No one expected that he'd ever have an affair.  It all seems so out of character for him that I feel I've been with a stranger these past few months.  I knew things were not very good between the 2 of us, but I just thought it was a difficult time in our marriage. 

I now realize after reading other posts to this forum that our situation is just one big mid-life cliche'-me pre-occupied with the kids and having some mid-life crisis thoughts of my own (although I'd never have an affair), low sex drive, feeling depressed, him feeling no 'joy' any more, but not informing me of any of those feelings.  We had never been as emotionally close as I had hoped.  He tends to keep that part of himself to himself, which has always made me sad.  I'm leaving out lots of details, but this the main gist of our situation. 

HOWEVER, we may have a happy ending and this is where I need your thoughts.  A couple days after his confession, we had a truly intimate conversation like we've never had before.  We have continued to communicate with each other in that manner ever since.  He says he loves me and realizes he was taking me for granted.  I know I was doing the same.  We both forgot to put each other first.  He says he has ended the affair and wants to recommit to making our marriage work.  We start seeing a counselor tomorrow.  Yes, he is going willingly.  As crazy as this seems, we have had lots of sex which has been even better than it was on our honeymoon and before the kids came along.  I still love him and am thrilled that he has chosen to make things work with us.  Here's my problem:  My gut feeling is that he's telling me the truth, but my gut feeling has been wrong before and now I really question my own judgement.  Have you heard of a situation similar to ours where things have worked out in the end?  Or am I setting myself up for this to happen all over again in the future? 

Confused in NC 

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I am 52, relatively successful, married with adult children. I live in a wonderful neighborhood, own my own business, and my second husband (of 24 years) is a good provider and a fairly good friend.  We have had all the major arguments of step-families over the years and the resentments have mounted. (I lost my first husband because of a tragic illness and I suspect
I've never stopped being angry about that.) I seldom talked about the loss of my first husband. I never had children with my second husband. Lately, I notice that my husband gets on my nerves. Every thing about him seems to make me mad.

Seven years ago I was reunited with my first love from college. He broke up with me because he was being sent to Vietnam. (I found out after 25 years the reason for the breakup.) After the breakup, I discovered I was pregnant and had to relinquish the child for adoption. It was a decision that haunted me all my adult life as I never told anyone except my Mother and later my husbands. The child found me, then her Father. Her Father is a retired Major from the Military, never married and no other children.

For the last seven years we have all kept in touch on a fairly regular basis. The real problem is that I can't seem to forget the Father. He calls and I feel like a teenager. I even flew across the country to visit him. He has a real bad case of PSTD (I believe) and is a perfect mess. I've been to therapy and my shrink just tells me to invest in Victoria's Secret to renew my romance with my husband. But I think that romance has nothing to do with it, rather he has had 24 years to make me mad, and I need to bury old ghost and fill the hole in my heart before I can move on to a place where my husband doesn't annoy me.

All my instincts tell me that I must be mad to want to give up all my "stuff" and the security of home and hearth for a man that is a ghost from the past. My heart says that I feel whole when I see him. Am I crazy? 

S.

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August 20, 2000

To Confused in NC:

Does your husband have a history of dishonesty with you?  Be sure you are seeing him for who he really is, not who you want to believe he is. Your marriage CAN survive his MLC, but he MUST give you plenty of time to grieve the loss of trust in your marriage.  I've read that it often takes two years following this kind of tragedy to really heal.  It is great that you are able and willing to see what you may have done, or not done, to contribute to his affair.  HOWEVER, he committed adultery, broke your heart, risked your marriage, and put his own selfish needs before the best interests of his family.  There can be understanding, but there are no excuses for his decision.  You should be able to ask him any questions about his affair, and he needs to answer you honestly.  Will he still be working with the woman with whom he had the affair?  If so, that complicates things further.  If he absolutely must continue to see her at work, he cannot have any communication with her at all, or at minimum, at least not about ANYTHING but work.  Lastly, counseling might help, but a Retrouvaille weekend will probably do more to put your marriage on the right track than standard counseling.  I hope and pray that your family heals.  It is a long, painful journey, but I can tell you that it CAN work! 

Healing in NC

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Dear confused in NC,

My midlife marriage crisis worked out well in the end. Don't give up
hope or fight your instincts. My husband and I went through an
experience similiar to the one you have been through.

A year and a half later, we are together and stronger then ever.

But it was a rocky ride.

For a few months after his affair broke open, whenever his esteem grew shaky, my husband was drawn back to the other woman, just for an evening, but back nonetheless. Then he would return home, sick with guilt and confusion.

I believed then and always will that he loved me and our children.

But for a while he felt he loved nothing, not himself, me, the kids or his life.

I wish you luck. Try to keep all the pressures you can out of your lives for a while. Take the time to heal and nurture your love for each other.

Laurie

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August 28, 2000

I need help!  MY husband and I have been married for 23years. He is 54 years old.  He has changed these past few months.  No desire for sex, staying up all night watching tv, moody, lazy.  He finally said that he needed to do something so he moved out. But he says he still wants to be "friends".  He says he loves me??? How do I deal with this?  Should I give him the space he wants?  Do I stay in touch as if nothing has happened?  I am so confused and shocked over this that I cannot sleep.  Please help

Mary

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Dear CH,

This is the first time I have looked at this site in along time.  Again, each time I read this site, each and everyone could be me.  I have had some major changes in my life in the past two years.  I still don't understand what happened, but I guess I NEVER will.  I have to get past that.  Yes, I still am in love with the man I married, but as you say, "he is dead now".  My husband left me Dec. 1998, and I still am blaming myself.  Since then, we sold the house WE built, my X-GIRLFRIEND  moved from MASS. and is living in our hometome and seeing my husband, our youngest daughter got married and moved to Texas, our oldest  daughter and my son-in-law moved out of state, I bought a new house, have a new boyfriend and have had lung cancer surgey.  I miss my kids (all of them, son-in-laws included) so much it hurts.  I was always extremely close with my kids and their friends.  My son-in-laws are like my own!  I love them with all my heart and vise-versa.  They call me all the time asking me to move where they are, but I can't.  There has been so much in my life for the past two years I couldn't even think about moving out of state.  Besides, where would I move, Texas or N. Carolina?  The guy I am seeing............... he is so ggod to
me and loves me totally!  But do I love him?  I am so afraid to lve agin.  I don't want to be hurt and go thru this all over agin.  You see, he is 8 years younger than me.  So here I go again.......midlife crisis!!!!!!! As far as my lung cancer, oh well, I had it.  My husband who I always stood by wasn't there, honestly I could have cared less if I made it.  Yes, I have my kids, and my new boyfriend, but it doesn't seem enough.  Supposedly they got it all.  We will see.  That is the main killer in my family.  I have alrealy lost two brothers and much much more.  They died at 49, so I guess I have 2 more years.  I am honestly trying to go on, but my heart and soul is not in it.  I am very old fashioned, and once your married your married for life.  You work out your
problems you don't run away. All of a sudden my X  is trying to be the best dad.  Why now?  He never had time for the girls
or their friend when they were growing up.  Oh, he provided. We went on vacations, but they were girls, they weren't boys.
The girls say Mom let him, he is buying us stuf to buy us.  I want to so bad tell him this so he realizes what he is doing and what the girls think about him but I can't.  Believe it or not I don't want him hurt.  He is a good man, I just don't know what happened.  All the pain I still feel I can't allow myself to let him be hurt.  Yes, I am still in love with him. SO please continue to think that your husband is dead.  I have tried, and it isn't working, I have always been known to put up a great front and nothing bothers me and I will prevail, HA! HA!!!!! I just go day by day, praying that the old saying is true.  What goes around comes around.  I DO want him to feel the pain he has given to me by someone that he loves throws him away.  I wish you the best.  BEAT IT!!!!!

Broken and Waiting

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I found this page very interesting about mid-life crisis.  My husband left me three years ago - said he didn't love me.  We did have an awful relationship.  Lied and cheated and moved in with another women.  Three months later he realized he had made a mistake and was back.  Got counseling and anti-depressants.  For the past three years life was beautiful he respected and appreciated me until three weeks ago.  He had started becoming distant.  I asked was was wrong and he said he didn't know.  My friends were commenting how my husband said how wonderful a three year relationship we had. After probing my husband further he said he had an inkling that he knew what was wrong that he wanted to live on his own and do what he wanted when
he wanted to.  Last Monday he packed his bags and moved into an apartment and wants a divorce.  I was devastated as we were not fighting at all.  He is 47.  The first time he moved out he was 44.  The kids can't take any more.  I thought this was happening because he never really had a family and he was always independent being in the Navy.  I don't know what he is
searching for or what he is trying to find.  I told him the grass wasn't greener on the other side and can be quite lonely.  I know I have to get on with my life but it is hard to at this age.  I really loved being married and having a best friend around to do things with.  I still don't understand what is happening.

Thank you,
Cindy

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