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Forum:The Midlife Crisis
So what are your thoughts on issues pertaining to the midlife crisis?Talk
to me; talk to each other, or just talk. I look forward to hearingfrom
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|Midlife Crisis Forum 2001|
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|March 8, 2001
Sorry, I've been away from my computer for a week and unable to post these.
Hello, I am 49 yrs old, turning 50 at the end of next month.
In the past few months I have felt mildly depressed much of the time.
I have suffered from depression for a few years, but medication usually
keeps me on an even keel. I am happily married, have been a nurse
for 24 years. My youngest child left home to begin college last year,
telling me 2 days before he left that he was gay. (I am ok &
adjusting to this & our relationship is still good). I miss him
terribly. I tried to start a garden center
Who are you fooling? Every wife who has written to this site has bent over backwards to accomodate their husbands. We know that they are not happy and want big changes, but nothing will satisfiy them. Wake up and don't make the biggest mistake of your life.
To ML and Kelly:
Good for you. You have my total support. This "MLC" situation is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to go through. Stay strong and smart. No one knows the hell of MLC unless you have gone through it. God Bless all of you.
March 4, 2001
Kelly,JB, JJ and all who are hurting
Will it's been 4 1/2 months now and as I write this my husband of 33
years is in Las Vegas with a 37 year old woman. He is 53. Apparently he
has been interested in her since shortly after he moved out or who knows
maybe she's why. At this point anything is possible I'm finding out. When
he left I wanted to die for sure and couldn't bare to wake up each day.
I am drawing up a MSA now and have done 3 so far that he won't sign. I have been more than fare and just want this behind me. I haven't got but maybe 20 or 25 yrs left if I'm lucky and Lord willing, I can't sit back and watch him destroy himself and pull me down any further than he has. I feel like an old dog that he's done with and kicked to the curb now. A part of me still loves him, but' I love the way we were' not the way it's been the past 4 months. I don't think I can ever trust him again and look at him daily. Everytime I would see him I would think of what he's done and part of me can't stand him for that. Thanks to antidepressants , I feel much better and want to move forward with my life. I don't want to spend the next few years playing cat and mouse with him. So I think I can say "I'M DONE WITH THIS CHAPTER OF MY LIFE"
I thank God he's given me the strength to get through this in such a
short time compared to some of you. Yes, it still hurts and yes, I still
cry, but only a 10th of how much I did for 3 soid months. I got so sick
of it and had no control of it. I never want to feel this pain again in
my life, it's devastating to say the least. I just want to assure you all
in so much pain, there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will make
it. I believe God has something very exciting ahead for me and can't wait
till he blesses me with it. My warmest wishes for all of you broken hearted
wives who deserve so much more than what life has dealt you.
To ML! OH MY GOSH!!! You suggested the website www.marriagebuilders.com, and I went straight there. What wonderful information it contains! I emailed my husband the link to the site, and he actually suggested that we go to the Marriage Builders Weekend next weekend in Minneapolis (March 9th & 10th). It's not cheap, but as much as we've both spent on divorce proceedings (twice in two years and just about to be final this time) and seperate residences, what the heck? What good timing. We've registered, splitting the workshop, airfare, and hotel, and we're going. We've both made no promises, except that we'll both give it our best shot. Thank you so much for suggesting the site. I never would have found it otherwise. Between this site and the other one, it's so nice having friends, isn't it? Good luck with your husband also!
Your letter hit home with me big time. I am 44 and I have withdrawn
from my family. I am so unhappy with my husband; I just don't want
to be with him anymore, I don't think. But the most interesting part
to me is that I am obsessed with a 19 year old. I just can't stop
thinking about him. I want to spend time with him all the time and
when we do spend time together I am
To all of you men that wrote in about your wife in the "mid-life Crisis", I have a few suggestions. First of all, if your wife is going through the, "mid-life Crisis", you probably are going through it as well... Here is my story, and here are my suggestions to you if you want to keep your wife.
I was happily married for 27 years to a man. I am 47 years old, my ex is 51 years old. We raised three daughters together, and we did a great job. We attended church every week, and our whole family served God in our home. The first "change" that my ex-husband made in our life was to sell our home, and leave our town and State to purchase a large home on a lake to set up retirement. That was after our last child graduated from high school. I gave up my friends, my career, etc... Our baby was in her 3rd year of college when my ex-husband decided to take a job overseas so that I could go with him after many years of working away from home at least 1/2 the time for all of those years. This was suppose to be "our turn, our time".
He left to go overseas, and I was to follow in a few months. His company had to get my visa, passport, place to live, etc... Before I left, we had two very serious crisis that we had to deal with. First of all, our daughter gave birth to our first grandchild. She had complications with her pregnancy and had high blood pressure which caused an emergency cessation. Our grandson had a stroke at birth, which left him partially paralyzed on one side. Our middle child was diagnosed with a skull base malignant tumor, chrondrosarcoma just days before I was to leave.
All of this put me on my knees even more. I had just lost my mother, a brother and a nephew before all of those things, so I did not know where to turn but to God to get through each of my "heartaches". I gave up my political career as well during all of that, which I had just been elected to serve in a 3rd term of an elected position.
When I finally got overseas after "making" it through all of our heartaches, my ex-husband was a different man, he had a different life-style than I did, or that I had ever had. That was 6 months after he took the job, and he had came home once just 2 months before I got over there for our daughters surgery. We went to dinner with his boss and his wife the night I got there. I was told that he had been "going out" and drinking a lot, and that he had been employing a 22 year old maid for "extra" work, and that she was deported before I got there back to the Philippines. I was also told that she was very jealous that I was coming over there, etc... On the way home, I questioned my ex about this, and he told me that his bosses wife, also a wonderful Philippine was "teasing". I knew better in my heart, but accepted his explanation. He left the next day for 6 weeks to another country to do a job. I was left alone in a country, no car, not knowing anyone but the boss and his wife, etc.. I devoted my time on the computer playing cards, helping all the people with problems in the gaming zone on the internet, etc... I also spent a lot of time shopping to fix our wonderful house up for my husband when he returned.
He finished a job 3 days before he arrived home... I had everything
perfect for him, and was awaiting his arrival not questioning where he
had been during those 3 days. He snuck into the bed at 2:00 a.m.
I rolled over to "snuggle" to him, but he jumped up out of the bed and
brushed his teeth. I smelled alcohol, but did not want a fight.
I went into the bathroom and asked him what he was doing, etc... He was
angry, and I told him that I knew that he had been drinking... He told
me, "that is right, I am 49 years old, you are NOT going to tell me what
to do any longer, and I am never going to quit drinking". I said
He was home for 3 days... I did not speak to him much, but he did take me to the grocery store, etc... he told me during that time to go home if I was so unhappy and file for divorce... I did not pay any attention to him, as I had heard that through the years... I also begged him several times for "attention". He did not want to make love to me. He left again for a 3 week job... I stayed on the computer playing cards, talking to everyone with problems, communicating with my daughters at home, etc...
When he returned home, I asked him to take me to the store. He did not want to, but did. We stopped to eat, and at the restaurant, I asked him to get me a car and a drivers license so that I could get to church, as it was so far away. He told me no, and was screaming at me... He told me again to go home and get a divorce!!! I paid no attention to him again.
After being there for 4 months, our daughter back home had a doctor appointment with the neurosurgeon, and wanted me to go home to go with her. My ex husband also wanted me to go. He took me to the airport and he would not even kiss me good-bye. I screamed across the airport to get a kiss as I was very upset..
After the doctor appointment, I called him and asked him if I could
use my return ticket to return. HE told me NO, to get an attorney
and file for divorce. I did not. For 3 weeks after that he
called several times during the week, and asked me if I had gotten an attorney
and filed for divorce. I told him no. He made threats to me
that if I did not, he would take everything from me. In the meantime,
I was communicating with a man over the internet that his wife had left
him alone 2 years before that after he had 5 years before had a horrible
accident that caused him to have several back surgeries. We became
very very close,
I agreed to meet the man over the internet... I picked him up at the airport and we went on a trip to visit his parents... He was exactly just like me... He was extremely kind, considerate, good looking, etc... we are exactly the same age, and have had the same life, etc... FATE? God? I fell in love with him. After a few months of communicating with my ex husband and nothing changing, I drove from as far South as you can get to as far Northwest as you can get and I brought the man from the internet home with me. He rented a house just out of town so that he could go to a better doctor, etc.... and I could help him to try to get better with his physical problems.
My ex returned home. I spent 2 days with him prior to the divorce. I did not stay at the house at night however, as he was drunk both days, screaming at me, making threats, etc... I finally told him that I was going to the attorney and signing the final papers, that he could go or he did not have to, but I was not going to put up with the abuse any longer. He went to the attorney, and we were divorced the next morning.
I left town with my now husband to take him to his home State to get the remainder of his things, so that he could make the final move. My ex husband was calling and making threats to me on the cell phone, etc... I ignored him... I returned back home and I had a call to come get my stuff and get out of the house, etc... I was suppose to get to stay in the house after the divorce. I did exactly that. I moved in with the man that I had met over the internet, as I could not abandon him, and my ex had taken every dime out of the bank, etc...
I married the man a few months later, as I had fallen madly in love with him. Before I married him, I asked my ex if he wanted to get back together. He told me no that we had different life's, etc... He was so right, he had become a total drunk, and I was still in church and my now husband was also, and we were doing our best to live a good honest clean life, although we did make a few mistakes that we knew better, and it broke my heart to sin, etc... It was out of anger, rejection from my ex, loneliness, etc....
For all of you men. Don't make threats to your wife. Don't avoid your wife. Give your wife attention. Make love to her when she wants it. Talk to your wife... Be your wife's best friend. Take your wife out... Bring her gifts, GIVE HER ATTENTION!
My marriage is different. I have no financial security as I had
had. I have no big home, or any material things that I was used to
having. I have lost all respect from all of my family, including
my three grown daughters that blamed me, because I met a stranger over
the internet. (they are coming around, and now blame us both, also they
did not expect me to live with their father with his drinking problem)
BUT, I have more love than I have ever had in my life. I get attention
24 hours a day. I get made love to every day. I have the friend
that I never had in my ex. Call it "mid-life crisis" if you want
to, but I NEEDED THE
March 12, 2001
I've gone through menopause and my children who are 14,16 and 23 do not need me as much as they did when they were little.I've started writing and taking free on-line courses through Barnes and Noble. These have helped and I've also quit trying so hard to figure out what I need to be doing with my life. I'm also spending more time with my husband since we are both recuperating from his affair. When I start feeling to bad I just let God take over and I keep on going. I think sometimes we are our own worst critics and we don"t have enough patience with ourselves.I hope it helps to know that you are not alone in your feelings. Hang in there and good luck.
Thanks for noticing my posting and I do strongly suggest www.marriagebuilders.com
as a site which gives so much information on how to put your marriage back
together... please write back again and let me know what you thought about
the seminar,,, we are planning to attend one in May,,, our situation is
rather different that I caught him on the net over the last 8 years! each
time it was something different and every time it was a bit worse... I
finally gave up trying since he didnt think he was doing
March 20, 2001
I married my husband when I was 17 and he was 25. That was 20 years ago. We now have 3 wonderful children, boys 16 and 14 and a daughter who is 11. Just before turning 46 last month, he said that he no longer wanted to be married. He wanted changes. He had developed diabetes a year earlier and had gone on a serious health kick. He has lost weight, joined the gym, changed his appearance and become very selfish and self centered. I still love him but he has become a stranger to me. His decision to end our marriage made life so stressful at home that I asked him to leave and he did. He moved in with his brother. He wants to move right into a divorce. He has split up the bills, signed over the house to my name, and set all of our joint affairs in order.
The problem is that I don't want this. I want my husband and my marriage.
My kids love their Dad and they are miserable. What can I do? I am trying
to stay pleasant and allow him time and space to get through this but I
don't want to give him enough freedom to actually find someone new. I am
a Christian and I have come to rely on God and my friends at church for
In answer to your question about what I thought about the weekend seminar
(from marriagebuilders.com)....it was wonderful! On the flight there,
my husband was reading everything he had printed out about seminar, and
it was different than he had expected. I thought he had read it all
before and was ready for it. So we were both a little apprehensive
going in. He had
To John S.
My life has been the same thing. Living in Purgatory it seems. kinda
makes you wonder. My wife started gong ot more and more. The
answer to your question..........you...and I have been "dumped". that's
I'm raising a kid on my own now. 4 year old boy. also take all the stress you can out of your life dogs, cats, anything that takes time and money. focus on yourself ..go to church. In our area (Houston) we have churches with counseling, divorced and separated ministries. Show her you are doing great without her. Don't harp on it. Just say I'm doing wonderful. If there is hope......it'll come, pray, be patient (the hardest thing to do) I am thinking of you, Bryan...Aka Blowfish999
To All Who Are Suffering
I haven't posted in a while but have read all other messages.
Someone once mentioned that all of this is truly a rollercoaster ride.
I must agree as I have good days now more often than bad ones, However,
I learned tonight that my ex who I had been with for seventeen years, has
asked the woman he had an affair with to marry him. My question is
this...why does that bother
Hello I need help.
to anyone who will listen.......
At 34 years old, I feel like I cannot do anything right. After being married to my husband for 17 years, nothing I do anymore is good enough for him. The children and I, (16 and 11), have been walking on eggshells for about a year, and our patience are wearing thin. I have been w/ him since we were kids, and I know theres noone else on this planet Id rather be with, but trying to manage his grumpy butt is getting just too difficult. I have quit drinking alcohol after 6 years of regular use, as I felt it was just really complicating things, and was giving me a sense of loss of control. It was too easy for me to get angry and lash out at him when he puts us down if I had a few drinks in me, and I really dont like that about myself. I feel alot better now, physically that is, but my mental and emotional state is slipping.......
We, myself and the children, dont know what to do.Were being patient and understanding, but how much are we expected to endure? He is constantly putting us down, and reminding me that I am not worthy because HE is the one that pays the bills. My staying home w/ the children was a mutual decision on both our parts, and I honestly feel that now my children are teens, my being home is even more important. I have had jobs in the past, but it seems as though when I work outside the home, everything here goes to hell in a handbag! I cant keep up w/ both. He knows this, but continues to belittle me. He says the house is never clean enough, dinner is never early enough, the kids dont do enough around the house, etc.
And for some unexplainable reason, he has decided that this computer is the root of all our evils, and blames everything on it. My children cannot even do homework on it if he's here, nor can I locate recipies, balance our budget, etc.
Please, if anyone can help me........as you can see I NEED IT!!! respond
to.... firstname.lastname@example.org please put mid life crisis
in the subject. I have so many more things to say, but dont want it to
fall on deaf ears.....I feel like Im drowning, or hes'
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