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Forum:The Midlife Crisis

So what are your thoughts on issues pertaining to the midlife crisis?Talk to me; talk to each other, or just talk. I look forward to hearingfrom you.

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March-April 2001

March 8, 2001


Sorry, I've been away from my computer for a week and unable to post these.



Hello,  I am 49 yrs old, turning 50 at the end of next month.  In the past few months I have felt mildly depressed much of the time.  I have suffered from depression for a few years, but medication usually keeps me on an even keel.  I am happily married, have been a nurse for 24 years.  My youngest child left home to begin college last year, telling me 2 days before he left that he was gay.  (I am ok & adjusting to this & our relationship is still good).  I miss him terribly.  I tried to start a garden center 
business last fall, but the banks all turned me down.  A  bout with a heel condition resulted in my working only part time at the hospital, but i really like working only part time.  My husband and i are having financial problems, though, as i am working less and we are trying to sell our old house, thus paying 2 mortgages right now.  I find i am increasingly irritable, have some sleep disturbance, more emotional, have less energy and am less motivated.  I binge eat and spend money when stressed. I spend 
as much time alone as possible.  My husband has erectile dysfunction and has had for a long time- but he is supportive, kind and affectionate and we are happy together.  Lately old memories have been "popping" into my mind like little "burps" and the memories generally are negative ones.  I feel like i've lost my direction & don't know what to do next.  If anyone asked 
me what my goals were right now, I wouldn't have an answer. Anyway, I have begun journaling for the first time in my life, I saw the Dr. who prescribes my antidepressant and told him how I was feeling.  I am a recovering alcoholic since 1994 and talk about some of my feelings at AA meetings, and my Dr. says i need counselling, so I have an appointment for that?  I don't know why i am feeling this way.  What is going on with me?  What else needs to happen so I can "fix" me?  If anyone can relate, it surely would be comforting to hear from them.  I feel very alone and frustrated right now.  Thanks for listening.    Nancy


To DH;

Who are you fooling?  Every wife who has written to this site has bent over backwards to accomodate their husbands.  We know that they are not happy and want big changes, but nothing will satisfiy them.  Wake up and don't make the biggest mistake of your life.

To ML and Kelly:

Good for you.  You have my total support.  This "MLC" situation is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to go through.  Stay strong and smart. No one knows the hell of MLC unless you have gone through it.  God Bless all of you.

getting stronger


March 4, 2001

Kelly,JB, JJ and all who are hurting

Will it's been 4 1/2 months now and as I write this my husband of 33 years is in Las Vegas with a 37 year old woman. He is 53. Apparently he has been interested in her since shortly after he moved out or who knows maybe she's why. At this point anything is possible I'm finding out. When he left I wanted to die for sure and couldn't bare to wake up each day. It was
horrible as I'm sure you all know. Now , when I think of how selfish and cold he has become he makes me sick. Our only
daughter 24 called him the other day to say she missed him and wanted to talk to him and he told her he didn't have time. He is afraid she will confront him about his girlfriend and does not want to hear  nor care what she has to say about it. They have always been so close and she is hurting so badly by this. He is not the man I married so many years ago and when I think back he hasn't really been the same for 8 yrs now. 

I am drawing up a MSA now and have done 3 so far that he won't sign. I have been more than fare and just want this behind me. I haven't got but maybe 20 or 25 yrs left if I'm lucky and Lord willing, I can't sit back and watch him destroy himself and pull me down any further than he has. I feel like an old dog that he's done with and kicked to the curb now. A part of me still loves him, but' I love the way we were' not the way it's been the past 4 months. I don't think I can ever trust him again and look at him daily. Everytime I would see him I would think of what he's done and part of me can't stand him for that. Thanks to antidepressants , I feel much better and want to move forward with my life. I don't want to spend the next few years playing cat and mouse with him. So I think I can say     "I'M DONE WITH THIS CHAPTER OF MY LIFE"

I thank God he's given me the strength to get through this in such a short time compared to some of you. Yes, it still hurts and yes, I still cry, but only a 10th of how much I did for 3 soid months. I got so sick of it and had no control of it. I never want to feel this pain again in my life, it's devastating to say the least. I just want to assure you all in so much pain, there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will make it. I believe God has something very exciting ahead for me and can't wait till he blesses me with it. My warmest wishes for all of you broken hearted wives who deserve so much more than what life has dealt you.
God Bless you all,
a.k.a.: Wanting to die


To ML!  OH MY GOSH!!!  You suggested the website www.marriagebuilders.com, and I went straight there.  What wonderful information it contains!  I emailed my husband the link to the site, and he actually suggested that we go to the Marriage Builders Weekend next weekend in Minneapolis (March 9th & 10th).  It's not cheap, but as much as we've both spent on divorce proceedings (twice in two years and just about to be final this time) and seperate residences, what the heck?  What good timing.  We've registered, splitting the workshop, airfare, and hotel, and we're going.  We've both made no promises, except that we'll both give it our best shot.  Thank you so much for suggesting the site.  I never would have found it otherwise. Between this site and the other one, it's so nice having friends, isn't it? Good luck with your husband also!



Dear TB, 

Your letter hit home with me big time.  I am 44 and I have withdrawn from my family.  I am so unhappy with my husband; I just don't want to be with him anymore, I don't think.  But the most interesting part to me is that I am obsessed with a 19 year old.  I just can't stop thinking about him.  I want to spend time with him all the time and when we do spend time together I am 
really really happy.  Now we just have a wonderful friendship and I'm sure he has no idea that I am crazy about him in a way that is much more than a friendship.  I have never cheated on my husband, but if this guy made a move on me, I would cheat in a minute.  I don't think that will happen, and I'm afraid to say anything to him because I don't want to lose him as a friend 
and I think I will just scare him away.  But I was so glad to see your letter because it made me happy that I'm not the only one. 



To all of you men that wrote in about your wife in the "mid-life Crisis", I have a few suggestions.  First of all, if your wife is going through the, "mid-life Crisis", you probably are going through it as well...  Here is my story, and here are my suggestions to you if you want to keep your wife.

I was happily married for 27 years to a man.  I am 47 years old, my ex is 51 years old.  We raised three daughters together, and we did a great job.  We attended church every week, and our whole family served God in our home.  The first "change" that my ex-husband made in our life was to sell our home, and leave our town and State to purchase a large home on a lake to set up retirement.  That was after our last child graduated from high school.  I gave up my friends, my career, etc...  Our baby was in her 3rd year of college when my ex-husband decided to take a job overseas so that I could go with him after many years of working away from home at least 1/2 the time for all of those years.  This was suppose to be "our turn, our time".

He left to go overseas, and I was to follow in a few months.  His company had to get my visa, passport, place to live, etc...  Before I left, we had two very serious crisis that we had to deal with.  First of all, our daughter gave birth to our first grandchild.  She had complications with her pregnancy and had high blood pressure which caused an emergency cessation.  Our grandson had a stroke at birth, which left him partially paralyzed on one side.  Our middle child was diagnosed with a skull base malignant tumor, chrondrosarcoma just days before I was to leave.

All of this put me on my knees even more.  I had just lost my mother, a brother and a nephew before all of those things, so I did not know where to turn but to God to get through each of my "heartaches".  I gave up my political career as well during all of that, which I had just been elected to serve in a 3rd term of an elected position.

When I finally got overseas after "making" it through all of our heartaches, my ex-husband was a different man, he had a different life-style than I did, or that I had ever had.  That was 6 months after he took the job, and he had came home once just 2 months before I got over there for our daughters surgery.  We went to dinner with his boss and his wife the night I got there.  I was told that he had been "going out" and drinking a lot, and that he had been employing a 22 year old maid for "extra" work, and that she was deported before I got there back to the Philippines.  I was also told that she was very jealous that I was coming over there, etc... On the way home, I questioned my ex about this, and he told me that his bosses wife, also a wonderful Philippine was "teasing".  I knew better in my heart, but accepted his explanation.  He left the next day for 6 weeks to another country to do a job.  I was left alone in a country, no car, not knowing anyone but the boss and his wife, etc.. I devoted my time on the computer playing cards, helping all the people with problems in the gaming zone on the internet, etc...  I also spent a lot of time shopping to fix our wonderful house up for my husband when he returned.

He finished a job 3 days before he arrived home... I had everything perfect for him, and was awaiting his arrival not questioning where he had been during those 3 days.  He snuck into the bed at 2:00 a.m.  I rolled over to "snuggle" to him, but he jumped up out of the bed and brushed his teeth.  I smelled alcohol, but did not want a fight.  I went into the bathroom and asked him what he was doing, etc... He was angry, and I told him that I knew that he had been drinking... He told me, "that is right, I am 49 years old, you are NOT going to tell me what to do any longer, and I am never going to quit drinking".  I said fine, and
I went to the other room.

He was home for 3 days... I did not speak to him much, but he did take me to the grocery store, etc... he told me during that time to go home if I was so unhappy and file for divorce... I did not pay any attention to him, as I had heard that through the years...  I also begged him several times for "attention".  He did not want to make love to me.  He left again for a 3 week job...  I stayed on the computer playing cards, talking to everyone with problems, communicating with my daughters at home, etc...

When he returned home, I asked him to take me to the store.  He did not want to, but did.  We stopped to eat, and at the restaurant, I asked him to get me a car and a drivers license so that I could get to church, as it was so far away.  He told me no, and was screaming at me... He told me again to go home and get a divorce!!!  I paid no attention to him again.

After being there for 4 months, our daughter back home had a doctor appointment with the neurosurgeon, and wanted me to go home to go with her.  My ex husband also wanted me to go.  He took me to the airport and he would not even kiss me good-bye.  I screamed across the airport to get a kiss as I was very upset..

After the doctor appointment, I called him and asked him if I could use my return ticket to return.  HE told me NO, to get an attorney and file for divorce.  I did not.  For 3 weeks after that he called several times during the week, and asked me if I had gotten an attorney and filed for divorce.  I told him no.  He made threats to me that if I did not, he would take everything from me.  In the meantime, I was communicating with a man over the internet that his wife had left him alone 2 years before that after he had 5 years before had a horrible accident that caused him to have several back surgeries.  We became very very close,
and talked daily to each other.  He flattered me with all of the attention that he gave me as well.  After so many threats, and my ex calling me drunk several times, I got an attorney and I filed for divorce.  I did not think that we would go through it, but I did it to shut him up.

I agreed to meet the man over the internet... I picked him up at the airport and we went on a trip to visit his parents...  He was exactly just like me... He was extremely kind, considerate, good looking, etc... we are exactly the same age, and have had the same life, etc...  FATE? God?  I fell in love with him.  After a few months of communicating with my ex husband and nothing changing, I drove from as far South as you can get to as far Northwest as you can get and I brought the man from the internet home with me.  He rented a house just out of town so that he could go to a better doctor, etc.... and I could help him to try to get better with his physical problems.

My ex returned home.  I spent 2 days with him prior to the divorce.  I did not stay at the house at night however, as he was drunk both days, screaming at me, making threats, etc... I finally told him that I was going to the attorney and signing the final papers, that he could go or he did not have to, but I was not going to put up with the abuse any longer.  He went to the attorney, and we were divorced the next morning.

I left town with my now husband to take him to his home State to get the remainder of his things, so that he could make the final move.  My ex husband was calling and making threats to me on the cell phone, etc... I ignored him...  I returned back home and I had a call to come get my stuff and get out of the house, etc... I was suppose to get to stay in the house after the divorce.  I did exactly that.  I moved in with the man that I had met over the internet, as I could not abandon him, and my ex had taken every dime out of the bank, etc...

I married the man a few months later, as I had fallen madly in love with him.  Before I married him, I asked my ex if he wanted to get back together.  He told me no that we had different life's, etc...  He was so right, he had become a total drunk, and I was still in church and my now husband was also, and we were doing our best to live a good honest clean life, although we did make a few mistakes that we knew better, and it broke my heart to sin, etc...  It was out of anger, rejection from my ex, loneliness, etc....

For all of you men.  Don't make threats to your wife.  Don't avoid your wife.  Give your wife attention.  Make love to her when she wants it. Talk to your wife... Be your wife's best friend.  Take your wife out... Bring her gifts, GIVE HER ATTENTION!

My marriage is different.  I have no financial security as I had had.  I have no big home, or any material things that I was used to having.  I have lost all respect from all of my family, including my three grown daughters that blamed me, because I met a stranger over the internet. (they are coming around, and now blame us both, also they did not expect me to live with their father with his drinking problem)  BUT, I have more love than I have ever had in my life.  I get attention 24 hours a day.  I get made love to every day.  I have the friend that I never had in my ex.  Call it "mid-life crisis" if you want to, but I NEEDED THE
CHANGE!  I don't get screamed at and accused every day, avoided, rejected, ignored, etc...  I get held all night, spend all day with his undivided attention.  I have a friend, a lover, a companion, and someone that loves me with ALL of his heart.  This is not new, we have been together 24 hours a day for 22 months, and it is not getting old, it is getting better!  Mid-life crisis?  I don't know, but I love it!  We are best friends and I have more love than I have every had in my life.  My ex has a live-in that he met in a bar, he still drinks heavily, but we talk on the phone with matters concerning our daughters...  I go to the house on occasion when our daughters are in town, as I live in a house that our "spoiled" daughters would not stay in, so they stay in the
beautiful house on the lake.  I cannot get enough of the love and attention that my husband gives me, and I would not trade it for all of the money and security in the world.  We take a day at a time and put our trust in the Lord to provide, and HE has.


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March 12, 2001

I am 44yrs old and have been going through what you are going through. I also suffer from depression and I am on Welbutrin which has helped greatly. I felt as if I was sliding down a deep dark hole and barley hanging on to the edge by my fingertips. 

I've gone through menopause and my children who are 14,16 and 23 do not need me as much as they did when they were little.I've started writing and taking free on-line courses through Barnes and Noble. These have helped and I've also quit trying so hard to figure out what I need to be doing with my life. I'm also spending more time with my husband since we are both recuperating from his affair. When I start feeling to bad I just let God take over and I keep on going. I think sometimes we are our own worst critics and we don"t have enough patience with ourselves.I hope it helps to know that you are not alone in your feelings. Hang in there and good luck. 




Thanks for noticing my posting and I do strongly suggest www.marriagebuilders.com as a site which gives so much information on how to put your marriage back together... please write back again and let me know what you thought about the seminar,,, we are planning to attend one in May,,, our situation is rather different that I caught him on the net over the last 8 years! each time it was something different and every time it was a bit worse... I finally gave up trying since he didnt think he was doing 
anything wrong,,, and the funny thing was as long as he was chatting and exchanging photos(which i thought was wrong also and then I found out from my lawyer that cybering is considered adultery so all ya cybering WATCH OUT the laws are changing)he didnt think that it was wrong,,, well this last time he had met and slept with at least two women in a year and the pain it has caused me was great,,, this is his last chance and I do love him... so he is lucky that he has made moves in the right direction.  Only time will tell how this story will turn out.  For those people (men and women) who feel lost and feel a void in your life and therefore go looking,,, please read THE CELESTINE PROPHECY and it will explain why you feel that void...
Good luck everyone!! and I pray every night for all those who find themselves in this similar situation...


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March 20, 2001


I married my husband when I was 17 and he was 25. That was 20 years ago. We now have 3 wonderful children, boys 16 and 14 and a daughter who is 11. Just before turning 46 last month, he said that he no longer wanted to be married. He wanted changes. He had developed diabetes a year earlier and had gone on a serious health kick. He has lost weight, joined the gym, changed his appearance and become very selfish and self centered. I still love him but he has become a stranger to me. His decision to end our marriage made life so stressful at home that I asked him to leave and he did. He moved in with his brother. He wants to move right into a divorce. He has split up the bills, signed over the house to my name, and set all of our joint affairs in order. 

The problem is that I don't want this. I want my husband and my marriage. My kids love their Dad and they are miserable. What can I do? I am trying to stay pleasant and allow him time and space to get through this but I don't want to give him enough freedom to actually find someone new. I am a Christian and I have come to rely on God and my friends at church for
support. Prayer is great but I want to DO something. What can I do?




In answer to your question about what I thought about the weekend seminar (from marriagebuilders.com)....it was wonderful!  On the flight there, my husband was reading everything he had printed out about seminar, and it was different than he had expected.  I thought he had read it all before and was ready for it.  So we were both a little apprehensive going in.  He had
already told me that he didn't have any feelings for me, but that he would give it his best shot.  If it didn't work out, all he had to do was sign the final divorce papers (I had already signed them).  That was Friday.  By Sunday, we were walking around the Mall of America holding hands.  It was great.  It's not the kind of seminar that ends when the weekend ends.  It's just the beginning.  We have 20 weeks of "homework" and assignments to do. It's all about learning to fall in love with each other again by meeting each other's emotional needs.  It takes work, but we're both willing to put it all back together to have a much better relationship.  I saw my husband do a 180 while we were there.  Of course, I'm not quite ready to let my guard down just yet, but something wonderful is going on here.  I think his MLC is over.  He's trying really hard and so am I.  We talk all the time
and tell each other how much we care for each other, and he comes over every day after work to cook dinner or just do our homework.  The timing was perfect for ML to print the website address.  I had moved on, and the other person (the slut) had been out of the picture for a long time.  We registered online quickly, got everything set up for the trip, and went before we could change our minds.  We're taking it slowly, but I feel like I've got a great new boyfriend (he's making sure of it).  It's not at all like when I let him move back in last time, and I haven't let him move back yet, although he keeps asking.  I couldn't have PAID him to move back a month ago, but he couldn't have paid me to let him either!  He's ready emotionally, and since we're both working on our relationship in a positive, structured way, I'm hoping that these past two years of hell will just be part of the process that makes it all worth it.  ML, thanks so much.  I owe you BIG TIME!  And good luck with your seminar.  Dr. Harley does address internet use and abuse.  Hopefully your husband will pick up on what he's saying.  My love to everybody!



To John S.

My life has been the same thing. Living in Purgatory it seems. kinda makes you wonder.  My wife started gong ot more and more.  The answer to your question..........you...and I have been "dumped". that's it.
there are a lot of good books about it.  She wil tell you she's faithful and has been.  But everyone seems to lie so as not to hurt your feelings or to face the inevitable they have cheated in someway.  Or maybe she wishes she could.  My wife wanted to be single, and live a single life of bars and clubs.  It hurts, get a support group and friends. get on with life and show her how well your are doing.  She'll come back around, but do not take her back until she will get help.  My aunt was married 9 times. Some people never learn.  I am a family, children type person, she yells screams and curses them alot. I have our boy together, she has her two girls from her first marriage.....suggestion is get counseling yourself ...She'll prob. jump back into the fire, live a short life, you can get over it in 2 years ...6-12 mos. with counseling. and decide to meet a family person like yourself. there will be bumpy roads, but don't get the kids involved, just tell them you love them.. If you have no kids....just be more selective and and date longer b4 jumping into the sea again. take care and call me if you need to at my work 713-222-9191. x.102 or emai me at bnewton@ecpsales.com.

I'm raising a kid on my own now. 4 year old boy.  also take all the stress you can out of your life dogs, cats, anything that takes time and money.  focus on yourself ..go to church. In our area (Houston) we have churches with counseling, divorced and separated ministries.  Show her you are doing great without her.  Don't harp on it.  Just say I'm doing wonderful. If there is hope......it'll come, pray, be patient (the hardest thing to do)  I am thinking of you, Bryan...Aka Blowfish999


To All Who Are Suffering

I haven't posted in a while but have read all other messages.  Someone once mentioned that all of this is truly a rollercoaster ride.  I must agree as I have good days now more often than bad ones,  However, I learned tonight that my ex who I had been with for seventeen years, has asked the woman he had an affair with to marry him.  My question is this...why does that bother
me?  Our divorce was final last August and looking back in time,  one would think after what I have gone through.........it wouldn't bother me, but it does.  His mlc constituted strange behavior, including five job changes in a year, spending all of his retirement, drinking heavily since and him saying, "I don't want you or anything in my old life." Perhaps this is the kind of life he has wanted.  I don't know.  I can only say I must be one stubborn "cuss" to still want to figure it all out.  It is really hard when you have been married as long as we were and to comprehend how the man that you loved and was your best friend could change so much over night.  It truly makes me wonder if I ever even knew him or most importantly what is wrong with me? Why am I still so concerned.  Does anyone have any advice?  JB


Hello I need help.
My wife says her feelings have changed (this was after a cruse where she met a guy who's picture I found with her things. She was holding on to him like she used to hold me.) She says I have to leave and that she cant come home after work becuse im here. We have 2 kids and I love them and her verry much. I know that im at fault for not having a real job for the last 2 years. I did however watch and take care of the kids and also baby sat other kids for money. I am not doing that now I am working for a friend as a sub contractor now. She says its not about the money anymore. She has to dress up now and take her make up with her to work also a tooh brush and paste. She somtimes takes other cloths with her also. I do laundry and have found some of her undware are full of discharge. I think she is with someone else and the guilt is too much for her so she thinks if i go away it will be better. I have changed my ways to try to help more then i used too. When I try to say things to make things better she gets mad. I dont know what to say anymore. I dont know what too do anymore. She says why do I want to do everyting with her now and do things for her when I took her for granted for years. I said is it Wrong to want to change for the better.When I look at her I see the women I marryed when she gose out and dose not come home till 4 am I see somthing else.  I found a phone message one night when i came home from work one night. when she was out  it was somone calling and makeing sucking sounds and a guys voice saying OH BABY. She says she is trying to be nice about us breaking up I dont know what nice is. She is 30  going on 31 and she asked me if she looked old. I know I had a mid life crisis as well when i was having feelings for a friend of ours but after time I Relized it was not worth destroying everyting for. I know she knows how i felt about the other women but i never touch that Girl. I'm 34 now and I dont know what to say to her to make things better. I'm in the 
house still becuse I dont have anywere to go and I said I need time. I need Help. She says shes confused she says she dosent love me like she used too and that I deserve someone who wants to do things with me. what should I do?


to anyone who will listen.......

At 34 years old, I feel like I cannot do anything right. After being married to my husband for 17 years, nothing I do anymore is good enough for him. The children and I, (16 and 11), have been walking on eggshells for about a year, and our patience are wearing thin.            I have been w/ him since we were kids, and I know theres noone else on this planet Id rather be with, but trying to manage his grumpy butt is getting just too difficult. I have quit drinking alcohol after 6 years of regular use, as I felt it was just really complicating things, and was giving me a sense of loss of control. It was too easy for me to get angry and lash out at him when he puts us down  if I had a few drinks in me, and I really dont like that about myself. I feel alot better now, physically that is, but my mental and emotional state is slipping.......

We, myself and the children, dont know what to do.Were being patient and understanding, but how much are we expected to endure? He is constantly putting us down, and reminding me that I am not worthy because HE is the one that pays the bills. My staying home w/ the children was a mutual decision on both our parts, and I honestly feel that now my children are teens, my being home is even more important. I have had jobs in the past, but it seems as though when I work outside the home,  everything here goes to hell in a handbag! I cant keep up w/ both. He knows this, but continues to belittle me. He says the house is never clean enough, dinner is never early enough, the kids dont do enough around the house, etc. 

And for some unexplainable reason, he has decided that this computer is the root of all our evils, and blames everything on it. My children cannot even do homework on it if he's here, nor can I locate recipies, balance our budget, etc.

Please, if anyone can help me........as you can see I NEED IT!!! respond to.... bzbakr@yahoo.com     please put mid life crisis in the subject. I have so many more things to say, but dont want it to fall on deaf ears.....I feel like Im drowning, or hes'
drowning, and I dont know how to save him!

thank you................JH

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