So what are your thoughts on issues pertaining to the midlife crisis?Talk to me; talk to each other, or just talk. I look forward to hearingfrom you.
 

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November 6, 2000 Hi, I'm doing research for a documentary on this topic and would love to hear anyone's stories on how and why they changed careers midlife. I can be reached via e-mail at alkay@bestweb.net - Thanks. Alex Kay ______________________ Dear Mike,   My husband and I are recovering from his affair and I just wanted you to know how helpful your website has been to me.                                                  Thank you,                                                        Cynthia ______________________   I hate to do this but, it's another perspective than those I have read here.  I am the wife (woman) and I am having the MLC (atleast what I am starting to believe it is) and told my husband I wanted out two weeks ago.  I am so unsure of myself it's scary.  We talked a great deal and I pinned it all on some personal debt I have accumulated that is stressing me out.  I told him about this debt before and he initially refused to help me with it even though he has the capability BUT deep down inside I just feel this gnawing urge to get up and walk away.  Be my own self, live my own life, etc.  My daughter is almost 18 and my son is almost 13; we have been married (my second, his first) for 13 years.  I thank God my rational side keeps rearing its head making me think first about what I will do to my family if I decide to just get up and fly.  So then my irrational side rears its head and convinces me I need stay only as long as it takes to get my children on their own.  Stuck in the middle is the voice that keeps asking me if I can take that.  It's all so confusing - for ANYONE male or female. Over the past two months I have had attention paid to me by another man and admittedly it feels GREAT and makes me feel young again (I know, I know, I'm only 40 and shouldn't feel this way) but I am seriously considering having an affair with this man (he's older and divorced after 28 years; three years ago).  I find something quite exciting in this older guy for some reason and I'm curious as to why I am not feeling attracted more to a younger guy.  I think its the attention being paid to me - plain old me.  I work, keep house, take care of kids, and spend time with a husband who works all nights and I hardly ever see.  I feel alone, have lived alone for the past ten years and now, at 40, feel like I should be on my own to figure out what I want to do.  It all sounds so selfish to me as I am sure it does to a man in this same situation. My husband, in the meantime, is doing all he can to make things better but it doesn't and I feel bad because he doesn't know that there is really nothing he can do to change the way I feel - only I can do that.  Anyway, I have an appointment with a doctor next week to make sure my hormone levels are ok, and all else is ok so I can maybe get it through my thick skull once and for all that this is indeed a MLC and I can get through it without destroying my family.  I have started making other healthy changes and am considering going to college for some non-credit courses to busy my mind.  I don't really know what to do but I'm going to try a bunch of things to try and figure this out and be SURE what I need to do is walk away from all that, up until now, I held so dear.  MLC is perplexing to say the least and I thank you all who posted here for helping me. plantjam~ ______________________ Found your site today and hope it can help me and others like me. I'm 42, my wife is 40, we've been married 18 years with 4 children aes 7-16. We've been quietly unhappy for a few years now, but never really talked about it and just plodded on. My wife's sister in Paris invited my wife to Paris for her 40th birthday (we live in England), and while there my wife looked up an old friend from 20 years earlier. Needless to say, they fell in love immediately and after a few evenings together have decided to get married. My wife said that she thought I would approve of this as I didn't seem happy. She couldn't have been farther from the truth. I am completely devastated. We don't have many common interests, but this has never seemed to matter. I have told our children about this, and they, too, were devastated but I think are in denial now. My wife loves our children dearly and would never intentionally hurt them, but this thing has such a vicious grip on her that she just wants us to part amicably so that she can get on with this Frenchman, who is 42 and has never been married. My wife has always supported me 100% through thick and thin, and sometimes I feel like I owe it to her to let her go, but the thought of it is just too painful to imagine. She says that she "loves me", but that she's "not in love with me", whatever that means. We've been to one counselling session, but she says that she won't go again because she feels that they are trying to get us back together, which is not what she wants. She also says that I'm treating her as a "possession", and that she should be free to do as she pleases. She knows that I am desperate for her and that I will do anything to keep her, and she even says that I am "emotionally blackmailing" her to stay with me. I've tried to fantasize about finding a new partner myself, but every time I think of it, I always come back to visions of my wife. I know this isn't easy, but should I persevere hoping that she is having an MLC? Or should I let her go? She knows that I will have great difficulty surviving without her, and that makes her feel very guilty. I have great hatred for this Frenchman and now my children do, too. I have threatened to go over to visit him, and when I say things like that, my wife says that this "dark side" of me means that she could never fall in love with me again. But when I try to act as normal as possible, she doesn't treat me like her husband. Others have said that it takes years to fall out of love, and then could take her to fall back in, but I feel that she is giving me no hope. Anyone else out there like this? Seems like a common scenario. But I need help; I can't sleep, eat, work, concentrate. Any help will be greatly appreciated. KPH  __________________________ You may visit with me and other guests of Best Years 24 hours per dayat Friends of Best Years. Click herefor a free trial. Click here to view my policies for responding or here to respond to something on this page. Please type "midlife crisis" in the subject box ofyour e-mail editor. November 12, 2000 About six months ago I was forced into an unwanted career change at age 45 after I was downsized from a government civil service job I held for 11 years. I have gone to over a half a dozen job interviews trying to pursue similar positions at different levels of government and also with a university. I gave my best interviews at the beginning of my job quest. In the first three interviews I made it to second interviews and short list of candidates. However, what I am finding now as I approach the sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth job possibilities is that I am becoming less sure of myself and feel less able to communicate my strengths to my prospective employers during the interview process. Instead of getting stronger with practice at being interviewed I seem to be getting worse. Is this loss of confidence over time a typical challenge facing mid-life career changers? Any tips for overcoming loss of confidence? Do you think I should be exploring opportunities in different employment fields? I would appreciate any suggestions for dealing with this challenge. Thanks  Frank G Toronto, Canada ______________________   this site....thank you for taking the time and effort to help so many of us continue living.  The support that I have had sure made the difference into my understanding and guiding me through this difficult time in my life.  God Bless... MK ______________________ MK--I don't really do that much. Just give an opportunity to let people, who have gone through tough times, help others, who are now going through those times, which is just what others did for me once.  Thanks for writing. Mike ______________________ A WOMANS’S JOURNERY THRU HIS MID LIFE One morning about 5 minutes before my husband left for work he said “I don’t know how you are going to take this but I think I want to have an affair.  I really want to spend the rest of my life with you but it is purely sexual.”  Wow!! After processing this for a bit I relied on my humor and suggested he purchase me a blonde wigs and call me Rosa. Bye dear have a nice day at work…  Thus the journey began We have been married for 20 years and in today’s standards that is pretty good.  We survived emotionally 4 mis-carriages and produced our daughter in 1987.  In 1988 our son was born on our anniversary and died the next day due to pre-mature birth complications.  After our son died we began to argue about who squeezed the tooth paste tube the wrong way, among other ridiculous trivial things.  We sought counseling which I thought my ex-biker husband would never agree to. But he did, and it worked. So now we are in year 2000 and for the last 3 months I have felt our togetherness slipping.  My husband explained it as a state of “confused”. He did not know what was going on but that he was ‘JUST CONFUSED’ Our house is busy.  We are an emergency foster home and have up to 15 children passed through our home in 12 months.  On top of that my husband’s parents live downstairs and do not drive so that leaves it up to me to co-ordinate their shopping and appointments within my busy schedule.  As well my husband has become a new partner in a business. Ferocious Friday.   Same day of affair announcement. Our 13-year-old who had sensed things were not cool so suggested we go out and she would baby-sit the 2 younger foster children.  Things were not comfortable and the atmosphere was very tense.  Once home my husband continued on this vein of an affair and from where I don’t know came this inner strength that I have never felt before despite what I had been through.  I calmly talked about that this was not my path it was clearly his and that I would not hold anyone in an relation ship should they not want to be there, however “I DO NOT SHARE’ nor would you expect anything different.  I tossed him a sleeping bag and pillow and began my speech.  “I want a decision on your path by noon tomorrow and if you choose to have this sexual encounter while you are there find a place to live because you won’t be back here.  Within 30 days find a place big enough for your parents and your dog and by the way don’t forget the child support.”  Off to bed I go. Surprise Saturday      Da My husband greeted me and insisted that he was wrong and that he did not want this marriage to be over.  He even suggested counseling.  O.K. now we have a chance.  During my restless night I to realized that I to had become somewhat complacent about our relationship and that I had to honor him for being honest, before acting, and that it was a real wake-up call for us both.  So now let the games begin. I told my husband to rest up because he was going to be busy later.  Off to the store I go with all the kids and purchased our favorite meat, a few candles (30) well a little more than a few, a bottle of wine and a interesting movie!!!.  Back home we go and strategically map out the placement of those few candles.  Our daughter needs to be delivered to a sleep over to which I ask my husband to take her.  So now I have 45 minutes to place all said candles, set table for him and I, bath and bed the other kids.  Thank God I was the only adult in the house because anyone watching me would have called the guys with the white jackets that have the sleeves that tie in the back….I was flying. In he walked and everything was in its place even down to the bath robes in the bathroom for after our pre-movie bath get what I mean!!!!! Today now 2 months later I continue to feel that inner strength that I have never felt before.  We continue to talk openly and love openly.  After all this is my best friend and worth the work. Mary ______________________   Found your site today and hope it can help me and others like me. I'm 42, my wife is 40, we've been married 18 years with 4 children aes 7-16. We've been quietly unhappy for a few years now, but never really talked about it and just plodded on. My wife's sister in Paris invited my wife to Paris for her 40th birthday (we live in England), and while there my wife looked up an old friend from 20 years earlier. Needless to say, they fell in love immediately and after a few evenings together have decided to get married. My wife said that she thought I would approve of this as I didn't seem happy. She couldn't have been farther from the truth. I am completely devastated. We don't have many common interests, but this has never seemed to matter. I have told our children about this, and they, too, were devastated but I think are in denial now. My wife loves our children dearly and would never intentionally hurt them, but this thing has such a vicious grip on her that she just wants us to part amicably so that she can get on with this Frenchman, who is 42 and has never been married. My wife has always supported me 100% through thick and thin, and sometimes I feel like I owe it to her to let her go, but the thought of it is just too painful to imagine. She says that she "loves me", but that she's "not in love with me", whatever that means. We've been to one counselling session, but she says that she won't go again because she feels that they are trying to get us back together, which is not what she wants. She also says that I'm treating her as a "possession", and that she should be free to do as she pleases. She knows that I am desperate for her and that I will do anything to keep her, and she even says that I am "emotionally blackmailing" her to stay with me. I've tried to fantasize about finding a new partner myself, but every time I think of it, I always come back to visions of my wife. I know this isn't easy, but should I persevere hoping that she is having an MLC? Or should I let her go? She knows that I will have great difficulty surviving without her, and that makes her feel very guilty. I have great hatred for this Frenchman and now my children do, too. I have threatened to go over to visit him, and when I say things like that, my wife says that this "dark side" of me means that she could never fall in love with me again. But when I try to act as normal as possible, she doesn't treat me like her husband. Others have said that it takes years to fall out of love, and then could take her to fall back in, but I feel that she is giving me no hope. Anyone else out there like this? Seems like a common scenario. But I need help; I can't sleep, eat, work, concentrate. Any help will be greatly appreciated. KPH  ______________________ To KPH: My heart goes out to you and what you are going through.  I can only say my husband had an affair and when I regained my senses after learning the news(last January), I suggested both of us should seek counselling and talk with our wonderful pastor.  I also said we had 17 wonderful years together, and in order for us to try to make it we must be together.  He said, "I don't want you, this old life, or anything in it."  I can only say I was devastated.  I was looking at a man I no longer recognized.  This had not only been my beloved husband but my best friend as well. We did try reconciling briefly in March, but found out he was still seeing the OW. The divorce was final the end of August and yes, there are still days and especially nights that can often be depressing and very lonely. Through counselling of my own and a lot of prayers, I have for the first time in my life realized that I need to take time for myself and to find happiness just being with "me." It has been a long and rocky road and I have been blessed many times over with such good friends to listen to me and a family that loves me unconditionally. My exhusband now lives with the OW and a lifetstyle very different than the one he once had. He quit his job and has had three jobs making a little better than minimum wage since January.  His new life is pretty much devoid of responsibility but I truly believe that is the way he wants it. I do often wonder why he appears so carefree and happy when I am trying my best to maintain the home that we lived in and I am doing this working three jobs.  How can someone do what he did to me and seem to appear so serene? Please take care of yourself and know that there is not much you can do other than to take time for yourself, pray, and love your children.  My prayers go out to you and your children. JB ______________________ My H has done exactly what you have done and that is fall in love with someone on the internet.  They too have spoken many times on the phone.  He is 41 and in my opinion he reached a point in his life where he needed something...unfotunately he found her and although she is 20 years younger and 3,000 miles away, she has replaced me in fulfillinf his emotional needs. I am sure that what you think you feel is real, but I am also sure that sometime down the track, you will realise what you have thyrown away. I have accepted that my H has left probably for good, but I can't accept the fact that he gave up without a fight and never tried to work it out. We have a son and it hurts that his happiness has been affected for sake of an adult who should know better.  What you have on the internet with this man is 'fantasy' and at the end of the day, you will fill in the blanks with what you want.  Noone can compete with a fantasy, it's like an addiction to drugs or alcohol! Please for the sake of your child think long and hard about what you doing nep ______________________   I need some help.  My husband is a very materialistic person.  So are his parents.  His parents were divorced when hi was 14 years old.  He just turned 37 last week.  He has made many major purchases over the last 15 years (our 5 years dating and 10 years of marriage).  Over the last year or so, he just cannot seem to find anything that makes him happy.  He loves his 2 children and myself, but cannot understand why he cannot find peace with in himself to be happy with all he does have.  His problem is not me, "you are the best thing that has happened to me"  he tells me.  He absolutely refuses to get counseling, with or with out me.  He says this is something he needs to work out for himself.  Please help me find a book or literature to get us through this.  I love him dearly and do not want to lose him.  Thank you.  Lost in Wisconsin. ______________________ To Brokenhearted: Hi! I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain of separation.  I wish I were there to hug you and assure you that you will make it.!! It has been 2 yrs for me now.  I actually thought I was going to die, and really wanted to.  My marriage of 28 yrs was going down the tube with my mlc husband. Nothing has changed with him (he's gotten worse) but so much has changed in my life.  I wish I could tell you it was a piece of cake.  But it was shear hell.  I am just now being able to talk to him or think of him without going off the deep end. I have no clichés to give you.  All I can say is allow all the pain and grief to flood your soul.  If you have a safe place to go and be alone to do this it would be great.  When we try and stuff the pain and act like it does not hurt, we deceive ourselves.  Tell yourself YES it hurts and I am going to cry and yell as long as it takes to get some relief!!  I can attest to the fact that as many of the books and tapes I have devoured says...It will take a good two years before you will start to feel "good" again. I hope I didn't depress you further, but I think you want the TRUTH for once!!! ps: A good book for you would be:  REBUILDING WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP ENDS by Dr. Bruce Fisher Linda H. ______________________   I HAVE READ AND WRITTEN TO THIS WEB SITE OFTEN, ABOUT MY HUSBAND. I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE, THEN WE SOLD OUR HOUSE AND HE GAVE ME SOME OF THE MONEY AND LEFT OUR SON AND I AT A HOTEL, AND GAVE US PLANE TICKETS TO GO HOME. I KNOW HE IS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING VERY EMOTINAL. HE WANTS A TRAIL SEPARATION. I DON'T. THE NEXT PROBLEM IS HE IS SO IRRATIONSL RIGHT NOW HE IS IN THE U.S.A.,ILLEAGALLY,HE GOT A RENEWED TN,AT THE EL PASO BORDER. THE LETTER HE GOT FROM THE HOSPITAL THAT HE WORKED AT IS NOT LEGAL, AS YOU MUST BE EMPLOYED AT THE PLACE IN ORDER FOR HIM, TO STAY IN YOUR COUNTRY. HE IS NOW IN CALIFORNIA. I KNOW DEEP DOWN IN HIS HEART HE WANTS TO BE HOME, BUT HE IS LISTENING TO TOO MANY PEOPLE THAT ARE GIVING HIM THE WRONG ADVICE. DO I  REPORT HIM TO IMMIGRATION AND HAVE HIM DEPORTED,AS I KNOW THAT IS WHAT HE NEEDS RIGHT NOW, A BOLT OF REALITY.I AM VERY AFRAID FOR HIM, AS HE COULD BE JAILED FOR THIS IN THE U.S.A. IF THERE IS ANY ONE OUT THERE THAT CAN HELP ME, PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT TO DO. E KNOWS WE ALL LOVE HIM, AND ALL HIS FAMILY IS PRAYING FOR HIM, HE IS VERY DEPRESSED,MLC, ALL ROLLED INTO ONE.TO-DAY IS HIS SON'S BIRTHDAY, OUR SON MISSES HIM VERY MUCH ALSO. PLEASE IF ANYONE CAN HELP PLEASE LET ME KNOW I'M PRAYING FOR ALL THE PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THIS. DESERTED IN A HOTEL Click here to view my policies for responding or here to respond to something on this page. Please type "midlife crisis" in the subject box ofyour e-mail editor. November 20, 2000 BB Just read your page on midlife crisis--wondered if your affair is still on or over--I ask as I am in the same boat a year later than you-- I am about to start a relationship with another man outside my marraige to feel alive while not leaving my 17 year bond--hubby is even open to it as we are both dead to  each other--and wants  to consider it for himself!!!???  Maybe we need a new spark a t this stage of the game to wake up  and to make  the old come anew??? If you love someone set them free kind of thing?? Does it work? So many I know are sexually dead after so many  years together but don't want to  break up a  home...what has  happened at your house? Do tell.. -- Candace A. ______________________ I'm  a 37 year old male and my wife is going through the same Exact thing. I think that both of your problems started because you tried to seek help in the wrong places.  She also had a boyfriend thqat was married and he had to dump her 3or 4 times before she realized that he was just not intrested to have anything serious with her.  She is still hurt about it and does not know why she has these feelings.  Once you break that sexual bond with your spouse is hard to get back on track and you will allways be looking for this something with several other partners and in some instances you will tend to cherish the previous one.  Your life will most likely be like this  and will never change until you acknowledge that you did wrong and also your husband, if that is the case.  I'm reading a book called Putting The Past Behind You. It's a motivational Christian book.  Please read the book and if you dont care for the Christian undertones, you can skip to the next sentence or paragraph.  It does give you an explanation why you are feelin the way you are.  Please let me know ASAP if it does help.  I'm trying the same with my wife.  She does acknowledge she did wrong but she is not repenting and that is the key to all of this.  She is in this ME stage and does not see what the consequences are down the road, especially if you have children.  Is true that children will probbly adjust but they don't forget and they will always carry this little ghost with them because their parents were too selfish too try.  You owe it to your self and YOUR kids.  If you wanted to you can make it work I know it is not easy but you need to start somewhere. Regards, CDG ______________________ My story is somewhat different than many of those I've read, but pain is as great. For the past three years, my husband travelled for his job, flying home every weekend. We have no children by choice - I am 39, he is almost 41. So, we're both very self-sufficient, but have always enjoyed each other's company and were very affectionate. Although we had problems due to the limited amount of time we spent together, overall we had a great marriage. Many of our friends said they modeled their own marriages on ours. About a month ago, I came home to to a well-practiced speech about how it's been a good run, but the passion is gone and he thought it best if he left. He wanted to be a new person. He wanted to be unencumbered. He threw away 13 years in 10 minutes. Wouldn't go to counseling or tell me where he was going or if I'd ever see him again. Anyone heard any of that before???? Since then, I've been meeting with a great counselor and found a a couple of written sources that can help abandoned spouses. There's an article cited several other times on this forum called His Mid-Life Crisis. Read it often to remind yourself that it's HIS crisis, and that you, unfortunately, are just getting stormed on. And it's likely to be a hell of a storm. A book I highly recommend, if you can find it, is called Sudden Endings: Wife Rejection in Happy Marriages by Marianne Bennett. It helped me understand, and in retrospect see the warning signs of, my husband's crisis with self-esteem, anger, and sadness that led him to reject me and detach as he tries to fix himself. I know from experience that knowing why something happened doesn't make it stop, but hopefully some of you can learn some useful things and stop blaming yourself sooner than I did. My case is further complicated by his alcohol problems, which makes the prognosis even worse than usual (anyone with any similar experience???). I know that I need to accept he's gone, but a part of me still feels that maybe with time he can work out his anger and let me back in. We have talked on the phone a couple of times and I e-mail (though rarely receive a response). He has been very remorseful, but unwilling to try again. He said he didn't want to see me because it would be "sad." I would still not have seen him again had I not gone to unexpectedly meet him at the airport last week, where he hugged me, kissed me, cried, said he was glad to see me, and said he was sorry, but told me he didn't want to see me during the holidays (that was the worst) and that his feelings hadn't changed (he didn't love me "like a husband"). Like many of the abandoning spouses, he says he cares about me and wants to be in my life. I, however, am not invited into his. I think the thing is to give your spouse some space, using the time to live your own life. I know it may take medical assistance to do it (just got my tranquilizers yesterday!), but you can make it through! We all sound so pathetic, maybe it would be better to GET ANGRY! It may help you do what you need to do. Excuse me while I now go cry some more... Tennessee Red ______________________ to HN   I have a strange feeling your husband and many others are addicted to porn. check out this site and it will help.  www.sexaddicts.com..God Bless.  Please do not lose hope.  God can restore marriages.  It is hard but it can be done. DM ______________________ To KPH: I do feel for you so much. It is not the French thing, although I am French and moved back to France after my now ex-husband of 16 years (13 y married) had a major MLC and left us the day my little boy turned 8 (2 years ago to the day). He left for a Vietnamese girl...Boy do I hate spring rolls now! Imagine, he had a perfect family, a French wife, two great sons (8 and 10 at the time), just built a dream house in California etc...Overnight he changed, wore new clothes, changed hairstyle, was not intimate etc...He was extremely cruel..Anyway to make a long and sad story short, I filed for divorce because he started losing it financially too, sold my dream house and moved myself and the boys to France (a little bit over a year now). After going through HELL, losing so much weight, sleep etc...I am myself again raising my boys and getting back into the workforce in a country I left 16 years ago. Their father only sees the boys a couple of times per year, I don't know how a man could have given up all he had for a totally non descript girl, insignificant, 16 y younger than he is.But he did it and seems to have no remorse about it.I am not doing great. I am in pain of the broken family ideal. Nothing is and will be the same anymore. I have been involved with someone from Belgium. He is single never married (43)  I am 39, I just have a hard time trusting anyone again. I don't want to be hurt. I understand what you are doing. I gave my husband a chance, time and forgave his adultery...He never came back. I think sometime we cannot change people. We think we know them. I thought I knew my husband, I did not. He changed overnight. As unreal as it sounded he is willing to destroy his life, emotionally and financially for someone he barely knows and who will let him down as soon as his prostrate problems start. Anyway life has to go on Bonne chance Nathalie from France Click here to view my policies for responding or here to respond to something on this page. Please type "midlife crisis" in the subject box ofyour e-mail editor. November 27, 2000 To KPH and Tennessee Red Wow.....our stories are so similar.  I know what you mean about becoming angry.  Yes, there are times I too become livid, but I always remind myself that I will become better and not bitter! I think what throws us off is the close and endearing relationship we had with our husbands.  I can remember mine tellling me over and over (throughout our 17 years ago) the attributes he so admired of me.  I sometimes wonder when those characteristic became a negative to him instead of a positive. My ex had an affair with a woman known to be wild with many partners.  She had a record, (can you believe spousal abuse!) and he continued to choose her over me.  Once I realized we should try to save our marriage, he told me what your husbands told you, " I don't want you, or anything else in my old life."  This included our two children, my family, and even our best friends that we shared vacations with.   He moved out and spent his retirement within months, bought  new clothes, grew a beard, and went about his merry way . I am speaking about a man who taught our church teen's Sunday School class with me, prayed with me, was involved in our church plays, and was basically a kind and very caring Christian. He is now living with the OW and I can only say, "I wish him well."  We were divorced the end of August and I thank God for giving me the grace and strength to carry on and thrive with my profession as an educator and know without question that all events happen for a reason. May God Bless each and every one of you.  My heart goes out to you.  Be good to yourself and never do anything to lose your self-respect. JB ______________________ I found a couple more books that can help people going through this crisis. First, there's a book called "Uncoupling" by Diane Vaughn that describes the process for couples coming apart. It's a little academic, but very helpful. Most revealing was that what seemed so sudden to me (and many others in this forum) was the result of much previous thought (and supposedly grieving) on his part. It also explains how a person can just walk away from a life -- because they've done so much work detaching in advance that "home" doesn't mean anything to them. Another good, perhaps more positive book, is "Transitions" by William Bridges. It emphasizes the "moving on" process that you need to go through alone if you're spouse won't participate. It's not unusual, according to the author, for the abandoning spouse to want to come along when seeing that their "ex" is moving ahead. It will help you take hold of your fate, regardless.  Tennessee Red ______________________ When I read all your letters it breaks my heart more than I can say. I have been emotionally devasted for almost 6 weeks now. My husband is 53 and I will be 49 very son. We have been married for 32 years and I must add very happily and in love. We raised three children all grown and gone and have two darling grandsons.We have gone through some hard times in the last eight years but always managed to pull together. October 18, 2000 we had a arguement and I left for the store for 1 hour. When I returned he had packed his stuff and was gone. I left him alone as I knew he went to stay on our cabin cruiser at the harbor. I didn't see him until saturday morning when he came home to fix some breakfast. We were nice to each other he ate and left. Then sunday he came over and we made love(never been a problem) and he left after. He came back monday night and informed me he no longer wanted to be married. I freaked out crying and begged him to stay . He had tears running down his face when he said he had to go now. At my request several times we've made love and he always leaves after. He told me by doing this he felt "he was giving in". I'm not quite sure what that means. He also has a lot of trouble being around me if I'm crying because he says he dosen't want to hurt me. I've begged him to give it one more chance just till the first of the year and he won't budge. He says hes been miserable for years now and can't. I never realized he was miserable as things seemed normal to me. I am in a state of shock to say the least and taking antidepressants to get through each day. There is no other woman at this time but I feel he's looking . If I find that out I don't know what I will do, I can't bare the thought. I break out crying all the time and can't control it. I never cry. I told him I could handle his death easier than this. At least He would have died loving me. Terrible isn't it? I am doing all I can to prepare myself for the worst but I need friends that can relate to this or a good support group. Does anyone live in Ca. bay area? Maybe we could get together and console each other. HELP!!!! Wanting to die ______________________ I'm a 35 year old man, I will be celebrating my 10 year wedding anniversary in 5 days, problem is I will be alone! My wife, who was also my childhood sweetheart, asked me for a divorce in Jan., We seperated ! I Love her so much, i could not believe what was happening! She told me she just fell out of love with me, a concept I do not understand! I was relentless at getting back with her! I took her out, bought her gifts, changed my lifestyle to be a better person for her! Finally deciding to move on, but low and behold she found out I went to a friends 40th party, and was mad as a hornet! She says single life suits you fine! Two weeks later she asked me back home, great for a month or so, but then she stayed out all night without a call! She tells me two days later she would like to proceed with the divorce! I have done everything but drag her kicking and screaming to a counselor! She refuses! We have two children, 16 and 10! It is almost like she forgot that she was a wife and mother! She had a new man in the house two weeks after I left the second time! My son is devistated, I'm devistated, and I find no answers! She is also 35, but her new man is 51! Is it possible for her to be going through a mid life? I love her so much but she wants nothing to do with me, Twenty two years of knowing her, and she is not the same person! Will she hit the wall sometime, and find out what she had was not that bad! I'm afraid to move on for fear she will wake up and it be too late! Thanks Brian Click here to view my policies for responding or here to respond to something on this page. Please type "midlife crisis" in the subject box ofyour e-mail editor. November 28, 2000 I will try to help both of you if I can.  It sounds like your situations are newer than mine and therefore you have not yet traveled through the many different stages that one must go through who have been abandoned.  There is so much anger and quite frankly the most important message that I can give to you both is to NOT BLAME YOURSELVES.........there will be times that you both do however, why beat yourselves up when it is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL! "Wanting to DIE", please focus on yourself and your needs at this time.  I have read so many books, literature, forums on the topic of mlc yet I certainly do not consider myself an expert.  But please listen to this message, "SUSTAIN from sex with you husband."  Even though you feel your husband is not involved with another woman, you must protect yourself and your self-respect.  I insisted on an AIDS test and STD testing even though he assured me that he had used protection.  I could not trust him or anything he told me after I found out about his affair.  So please.........take care of yourself. Brian, there are many, many people going through the same thing as you.  You are not alone.  My ex frequently told me how much he loved my intelligence, gentleness, and kindness toward others.  He was considered my best friend. All of our friends, colleagues, and family were shocked at what all transpired.  I asked him, even after the betrayal to  go to counselling and he wanted no part of it. Please know that no matter what either one of you do, your partners can not take away your integrity and self-respect.  Hold your head up high and know that both of you will be in my prayers.  May God Bless you both..........JB ______________________ Thanks for this wonderful forum and I have been reading for days.....   One thing has struck me is that there hasnt been many couples write about going through midlife crisis at different periods of marriage.  In other words I had one when I was 29-31 (ten years ago) and my husband has been going through one recently for the last three to four years.  I am 39 he is 43. When I went through mine I took flying lessons., partied with single friends and did all the things everyone has written about here.  When all this was going on my husband and I went to counceling ,,, which I didnt think helped much except for one thing I learned that my husband was every bit as human as my self and that I needed him.  I told him the same ole bull (which at the time I thought I was so unique) I love you just not in love with you... yada yada yada... He told me "no matter what you do or what you say,,, I will be right here for you and I will make certain that you go through with your comitment to me and our kids"  Wow... I thought I can be crazy and he will hold it together...   well when he went through his,,, I kept that in mind... I honored him with the same oportunity and let him be stupid... while I smiled and told him I loved him (well I didnt always smile!)    how did we make it?????  well for my part I read and act upon what I read books like The five love languages ,, others such as Staying married and loving it... lets see.. I especially enjoy reading  "If life is a game this are the rules" I also focused on myself and changing the way I perceived my life and my situation and every single day I made a mental note of all the good things in life and how I am blessed... as for my husband,,, I asked him last night if he was through with his  and he said "yes I think so " ,,, so for those who are asking is there light at the end of the tunnel I say yes... it gets better every year and the love and respect I feel for him for standing by me when I was bad,,, I can't even began to repay him... I am just glad that he had to show me the way to do it because I am not as patient and if he hadnt led the way I dont know that I could have done what he did... thanks for listening. ML Click here to view my policies for responding or here to respond to something on this page. Please type "midlife crisis" in the subject box ofyour e-mail editor. December 4, 2000 I've been visiting this site on and off for 3 years.  My wonderful husband of 18 years told me in December 1997 that he had become emotionally involved with another woman. He moved in with her a week later. He is text book MLC, although he doesn't blame me for anything. Says it's all him. He agrees that many of the symptoms are the same, but his situation is different!  He says he feels like he did before he met me - in other words SINGLE.  He wants to experience the feelings he did then.  He's very concerned about his hair loss, not being so strong physically and impotence. And this woman he's met is some piece of work!!  She is a predator.  She recognized his weakness and vulnerability and dug in her claws.  She left him after six months.  He came back home in December 1998 to try to salvage our marriage.  Admittedly, I begged and pleaded with him, which was a mistake.  Apparently he wasn't over "her" and she has pestered him intermittently for the past two years.  Well, she finally succeeded and he moved out again two weeks ago.  He said it's like a drug and he can't resist.  He also said that he had to go so that this "thing" can run its course; if he doesn't he will just continue to hurt me.  The guilt and shame he is suffering must be unbearable.  I actually feel very sorry for him.  I don't know who is in more pain, him or me.  I do know that I love him very much and, if he gets the therapy he says he will, maybe we'll have a chance at putting our marriage back together. Is there a chance that he really is trying to let the affair fizzle out so that he can get her out of his system?  Or am I being naive and optimistic? Am I trying to find something noble in a thoroughly selfish and sleazy situation? Thank you for this site.  I'll continue to visit for the wonderful support. It's sad to know that so many people are looking for the same answers and suffering the same pain that I am. --- Pauline H. ______________________ I'm 48, my children aren't children any more, and I'm bored with my current career.  I got a chance to be a kid again after my divorce and have had a great time over the last 10 years.  Now I wan't to relax and give my experiences to others both my professional knowledge and my social and personal knowledge.  But I still need to work for a living.Must be some way to make work and play the same. RK ______________________ Response to Gloria I don't think you need a doctor but maybe a spiritual uplift.  If your like me (im 48), you've worked hard all your life and focused on your family and now they've temporarily moved on.  Nothing wrong with closing the drapes once in a while and watching the TV either. Nothing wrong with a little selfishness either. Find out what turns you on and concentrate on it and don't feel guilty.  Life is supposed to be fun so don't worry that doesn't work. Good luck. Positive Click here to view my policies for responding or here to respond to something on this page. Please type "midlife crisis" in the subject box ofyour e-mail editor. December 11, 2000 To ML I READ YOUR NOTE, YOUR HUSBAND SOUNDS LIKE ME, HIS IS YOUR INNER STRENGTH. MY HUSBAND IS GOING THRU HIS MLC,  AND HAS BEEN FOR 4 YEARS NOW. HE JUST SENT US HOME LAST MONTH, ACTUALLY LEFT US STRANDED AT  A HOTEL, WITH TWO PLANE TICKETS, WHILE HE TOOK US FOR CALIFORNIA. I CAN'T BE MAD AT HIM, AS I KNOW THIS IS NOT THE MAN I MARRIED. DID THE UNDERSTANDING YOUR HUSBAND GIVE YOU HELP YOU MAKE YOUR FINAL CALL. I WANT MY HUSBAND TO KNOW I UNDERSTAND HE IS GOING THRU SOMETHING, I DON'T LIKE IT, BUT I KNOW THE DEEP LOVE WE HAVE FOR EACH OTHER IS STILL IN HIS HEART, HE HAS JUST PUT IT UP ON A SHELF  FOR KNOW. RIGHT NOW AS I WRITE THIS, HE IS IN EUROPE ON A THREE WEEK VACATION, HE TELLS OUR SON HIS PARENTS ARE PARTED BUT TELLS ME HE LOVES ME JUST BEFORE HE HANGS UP. COULD YOU OR YOUR HUSBAND GIVE ME SOME ADVICE. I TOO HAVE READ LOTS OF BOOKS ON THIS SUBJECT AND BELIEVE ME, THOSE BOOKS HELPED ME ALOT. I TRULY BELIEVE IN MY HEART HE WILL COME TO HIS SENSES AND COME HOME, BUT IT IS THE WAITING AND THE MOODS SWINGS, AND COLDNESS TOWARDS ME THAT IS THE HARDEST. TO BOOT HE IS ALSO PLAYING A RUSSIAN ROUETTE GAME WITH YOUR INS DEPT., AS HE IS THERE ON A WORK PERMIT,  AND OBTAINED IT ILLEGALLY. I  AM SO AFRAID FOR HIM, PLEASE TAKE THE TIME AND WRITE ME BACK. MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS lillie428@hotmail.com I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM ANYONE THAT CAN HELP ME, HELP MY HUSBAND COME BACK TO EARTH. CANADA IN U.S.A. ______________________ Dear LRG, I am very pleased and relieved to read about another woman's MLC although now, after reading Kathleen Brehony's Awakening in Midlife I no longer call it a MLC, but a midlife transition. I, too, at 37, am in the midst of a MLT. Take care. Signed, In Transition ______________________ Where to begin.  When to write.  I hope this helps.  I think I know why xxxxxx writes at night.  At least she seems to.  There seem to be moments when the emotions are most intense - often at night and probably due to the physical closeness of the other person.  The pain is so intense.  I've never been able to control my emotions.  I remember most vividily at xxxxxxx when we cried for xxxxxxxx.  Very intense.  Also at xxxxxxx funeral and my graduation.  I'm crying now even as I write.  My thoughts are so much faste than my pen I can barely get a thought or feeling written before my mind has leapt ahead.  I love her so much.  It hurts so much.  It feels like my life is over.  This xxxxxxx.   Xxxxx first talked with me xxxxxx night - the day I picked up xxxxxx.  Its not an issue of trust - it seems wierd to say I trust her, but that doesn't mean it won't/can't happen again.  I feel I've been derelict - not paid enough attention to her.  I think this is true - but xxxx seems sure that we were never right for each other.  Regardless of whether or not she is correct - I may lose her anyway. If not xxxx then someone else.  This is the farthest I think she has ever gone.  Its funny  I really wanted/thought I was going to write about me, my pain, how terrible it is and I find that now I am only writing about her.  I'm scared - terribly terribly scared.  I've never felt this way before.  I need and want so much to know she still wants me and loves me.  She is having such a hard time - She says xxxx (I suspect xxxx) will just drop out of sight. Gotta Go. Journal ______________________ To Pauline H Good grief, right when I think I've heard it all I come across your message. You have really been through it the past three years.  What did you do when our husband moved in with her the frist time?  Did you put your life on hold?  I hope you are willing to look within yourself and come to the conclusion that you deserve something better than what has been given to you. I sometimes wonder if mlc can't be called temporary insanity.  My ex came over a week ago to deliver a message while the woman he had an affair with and is currently living  together sat in his truck waiting.  He strategically place himself in an area where she could see him at all times. As he was talking to me I truly looked at him and realized the man I once knew is dead and gone. I also realized what they have together is no where near what I would want in a relationship.  How will they every really trust one another?  I truly believe he will never return as the man that I loved and respected. Take care of yourself Pauline and discover interests that you find fulfilling and/or fascinating.  God Bless You........jb ______________________ Pauline H.-- You and I are living pretty much the same life, except my husband moved into his own place on Valentine's Day 1998  and filed for divorce 12 days later.  I was served with divorce papers at work in front of my friends an hour after I saw "the slut" for the first time in my car with my husband.  I thought I would die that day.  She too was a predator with her claws sharpened.  I think that she had fallen for him, but for him it was just exciting.  She may not have been the reason he moved out, but she enabled him emotionally and was waiting with open arms when he did.  Months later, after he told me that it was over, he suggested moving back home as my "roommate" to work out some financial issues.  Counseling was a condition of his moving back in, but he refused to go.  He became distant again and moved out in April.  I think it was at that point that he totally fell for her.  Guess what she did 3 months later?  Apparently she needed something more than just him....I know... shocking!!!  This "piece of work" is now living with the guy she cheated on him with (and the poor thing got fired from the company my husband works for).  Anyway, I reopened the divorce after he left again and it should be final any day now.  I know I sound matter of fact here, but most of you are going through the same thing and know how hard this has really been. It's emotional hell.  Our 18th anniversary is on New Year's Eve.  I think the biggest mistake I made was letting him move back in when I did.  I did the same thing as you, Pauline.  I begged, I pleaded, and I did everything else I could think of, including some things I'm not proud of.  I also fantasized about doing many, many bad things to both of them (ok, mostly her).  I was out of control.  He's still sure that he doesn't love me any more, and every other MLC cliche' applies.  I would have done whatever it took to help his situation.  I guess I just didn't know what to do.  Now that I look back on this whole fiasco, I wish I could have just washed my hands of him way back then, although that would have been emotionally impossible for me at the time.  I could believe that he thinks he made the right decision except for one giveaway sign:  The sadness in his eyes.  When I see those eyes, that's when I feel sorry for him, but there's nothing I can do to help him through this.  The best thing for you and I to do is to leave them alone and realize that they have to GO through this to GET through it.  Pauline, you should read a book entitled "When The One You Love Wants To Leave."  I forget who the author is, but it's really helped me.  I miss the good man my husband was, but that good man isn't coming back any time soon.  I'm dreading being called "divorced."  You and I are vibrant women who deserve better than this.  My focus now is taking care of my girls and myself, and getting back to enjoying life.  Good luck! Kelly ______________________ Hi Everyone. My husband have been going through an early mid-life crisis for more than a year now. I found this site 6 months ago and it make me understand what he is going through. I moved out and it was the beginning of saving my own sanity, now 8 months later I am 3 month pregnant and things are much better, we still do not live together but things are much better.I wanted to be able to have a discussion going and set up a list with egroup.com, I am sure many of you would benefit from being able to have a communication going on a daily basis. I am member of other lists and they have helped me so much.I hope you will join the mid-lifeCrisis to support each other and be supported. I hope to meet you there. Bettina ______________________ This is for Mike K--I thought I was the only one who felt as you do. After reading these pages I was feeling so depressed. How can these people allow another, totally selfish individual, deprive them of their lives? My husband woke up one morning and announced that he was depressed. When I returned from walking the dog he handed me a note, so that I would understand what he was feeling, and tagged on the bottom was the statement that he didn't know what he felt for me. That was the first I knew that he was unhappy, after being together for 24 years. I was devastated. I never had a clue. The note asked me to be patient with him. I was, I put up with him ignoring me for a whole month. He could not bear me to touch him, even accidentally, or to be in the same room as me. He didn't speak to me, just used me to do his washing, cook his meals and clean up after him. (Two weeks before his 'note', he was jumping in and out of the shower with me).  Then he started to tell me how much of a friend some other woman had been to him (He's a self employed electrician, she was a customer) Told me I was pressuring him' when I questioned the relationship.  At the end of the month I was handed another 'note' to say his feelings for me had died and that he was leaving as soon as he found somewhere to go. I had had enough by this point, so I handed him a 'note' telling him, rather impolitely, to make sure he was gone by the time I returned from work. He was. I wrote to him and told him how much I cared, how much I loved him , told him I would follow him to the end of the earth, would always love him. His response was one of accusations and hatred telling me to give him his space. Totally negative. My mother died unexpectedly, the next week, which naturally added to my devastation. My husband came to see me, at his request, and sat and moaned about his problems for a whole hour not once asking me how I was, how I felt. That was when I realised what a selfish, self centred thing, this MLC is. After a few more weeks, and an appointment with marriage guidance, broken by him, I realised you cannot make someone love you, you only alienate them, suffocate them. So I wrote and told him I had no interest in resurrecting our marriage, and for him not to come near me again.  I had more reaction from that letter than from all the pleading and begging I had done over the previous months. I had even more reaction to a second letter along similar lines.  Then he wrote to me, begging forgiveness, wanting to come home, telling me how much he loved me. That was when I made my BIG mistake, I said I was willing to work on it, he started to come around to see me, I helped him with his accounts. But when he hugged me because I was crying, it felt wooden, like he was going through the motions, but not wanting to be doing it. Finally I questioned this and was told he was once again confused about his feelings, couldn't show me affection, didn't feel that sort of love for me. I told him to leave. I won't be having him back, I will never trust him again. He is not the man I married. He had everything, and he threw it away for some fantasy life he will never achieve. I will survive. I deserve more than being treated like this, I am worth more. JP ______________________ I am a 36 year old male. I read your articles & it has hit home. I am in the same boat as many out there. I am trying to research & find out why I feel this way: about myself, my wife, & my co-worker that I have fallen for. I am a white collar business professional, I make a good income, and have alot to lose by leaving. However, I truly believe that I am ready to give up  everything to be with this women. I have two children, that I love dearly. And they are the only reason that I have not left home yet. By the way, my wife is a beauty, and I love her dearly. I have had some real strange thoughts about death ( this I don't understand ). And believe it or not, we are looking for a new car & the other day I dragged the family to the Pontiac/ GMC dealership & walked straight over to the Trans-Am's. My wife thinks that I am under alot of stress at work and that I am going through a mid-life crisis. Is there such an illness, or am I just turning into something that I have laughed at in the past. Or, am I just looking for someone else. Either way, if this is just a phase, I don't want to lose everything & hurt alot of people. I look forward to any help that you can offer. Signed, Mentally Exhausted Click here to view my policies for responding or here to respond to something on this page. Please type "midlife crisis" in the subject box ofyour e-mail editor. December 18, 2000 hi, my husband is forty yrs old.. he becomes frightened and insecure and emotional very easily..he never use to get upset  like this before and hes very touchy feely now..he cant understand why he breaks down in to tears.. can you help us understand more about midlife crisis? thank you pls reply FL ______________________ Dear Mentally Exhausted, Yes, it does sound like you are going through a mid-life crisis.  The things you listed sound just like things my husband has been through and like the things you will read in any MLC book.  Please, please, please don't leave your family.  This will be a big mistake.  You will realize a few months later that you did the wrong thing if you leave.  My husband did not leave.  He, myself and our 4 children have stuck it out.  It has been hard on everyone and it's not over yet.  The woman you speak of that you think you have fallen for -- you seem to have good morals and speak highly of your wife.  If this other woman is 1/4 of what your wife is, don't you think she would be telling you to stay with your wife and kids?  Read "Men in Mid-Life Crisis" by Jim Conway and anything else you can get your hands on to read.  Talk to your wife and tell here your feelings.  Have good communication with her.  She can help you even when you don't think she can.  Go to a counselor with your wife.  There may be different things you can change or do while you are going through this MLC.  Talk to a friend that cares about you AND your family.  But, most of all, PRAY and ask God to help you through this.  He is the only one that can. I will pray for you and your family also.  Please hold on.  There is nothing worse for a mother to hear than "When is Daddy coming home?"; "I miss him, I wish he were here."  Believe me, the children will come to a place when Daddy isn't really needed anymore.  But, Daddy will also come to a place when he NEEDS his children and they will no longer be there for him because Daddy wasn't there for them. I wish you much success.  You are right when you said you have a lot to lose.  Are hurting your wife and children worth a fling?  You are probably not the first married man this woman has flirted with, etc.  Most women that flirt with married men are in it only for themselves.  When she's through with you, she'll go on to someone else, but you will be the one my yourself.  See, she will want you not only to leave your wife, but your children also.  Your family needs you!!  You have made a commitment to your wife and to God, for better or for worse, til death do us part. Been there, done that ______________________ Pauline, Kelly, JB and all: I posted earlier under"wanting to die" and at times I still do. It has now been 2 months since my husband of 32 years left me. I have been reading so many articles in mlc and he fits right in there, big time. The only thing I haven't yet experienced is another woman. I'm sure though that's coming and then I'm not sure what I might do. I just want to take my husband and shake him until he see's what he is doing to our family. He thinks this doesn't effect the kids since their grown. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and boom it hits me between the eyes again that He's gone and I still can't believe he left. We married at 16 and 20 and had our first baby 10 months later, all of which we planned. Then we had two more and he always provided well for his family.We have always had a better marriage than most and people envied us for it. We are the last couple anyone would think this would happen to.  'HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO US' Why does God allow our husbands bodies to be taken over by a body snatcher that destroys so many lives? I thought when I lost my mom 3 years ago that my life would never be the same but now this has devastated me to the point that I cry all the time and can't seem to control myself. It's hard when your at work and everyone is saying 'what's wrong'? I try not to bring my personal life to work but sometimes I just can't stop crying. I have never been one who cries easily but I'm making up for it now. I figured out the reason he is so cold to me is because he doesn't want to have to talk about his feelings to me. I'm going to try to get him to go to therapy and maybe somebody else can get him to see what this is all about. I can't go on like this for a year or two like some of you. Life is just to short for that. In most cases if it doesn't mend within 6 months it probably won't. I feel like another person is in his body, I don't even know him anymore. He never would have done this in the past. He has always worshipped the ground I walked on and now can't stand to be near me.It hurts more than I can stand as I'm sure some of you understand. Is there anyone from S.F Bay area out there? We need to form a group to support each other. God Bless each one of you. We must go on and try to be strong. MCS Click here to view my policies for responding or here to respond to something on this page. Please type "midlife crisis" in the subject box ofyour e-mail editor. December 25, 2000 Dear MCS, Please go to counseling yourself even if your husband won't.  My husband started his MLC in August of 1998.  I went through the same process as you and felt the same way.  You need to realize that you are a wonderful person and his MLC is not your fault.  Sometimes just being able to talk to someone who has experienced the same thing helps.  You are welcome to write to me at rosef@nesao.com. getting stronger ______________________ To MCS, You sound so much better.  Please hang in there and take care of yourself. I am sure your husband did worship you and probably without understanding his crisis still worships you and may think you deserve better. Who really knows but I am glad you no longer "want to die!"  You are not a lone and many of us have been where you are today.  There will be good days and please hang in there and know the bad days will get less and less. My mother died on Valentine's Day two years this next year and I loved her with all of my heart.  But you are right....this other body possessed with something completely foreign all of a sudden no longer has the same feelings for you is more of a devestation than your own mother's death.  Quite frankly...I wish I had answers for you but I can only say that just four days ago (after all most a year) I realized at 5:00 P.M. I had not thought of my exhusband once that day.  Believe me, in the past I had not wanted to think of him but it would just come involuntarily. The difference in our stories is that my ex had an affair and is now living with the OW.  He even came over one night to deliver the alimony with her and her young son waiting in the truck for him. There is no figuring any of it out MCS.  I am an educator and a natural caregiver. I've read everything imaginable on the topic and I've had to learn that there are things I can not help or control.  I am finally finding peace with many things in life that I once took for granted. I did not want to talk about me, so please forgive me.  I just know I enjoyed reading how others handled their situation and It would often help me have a better and clearer insight. Take care and know many of us will include you in our prayers.  Keep your head help up and take care of the most important person right now...YOU! JB ______________________ i dont know just were to start, if i had one thing to say that could help you with your most serious problem  it would be( never let go), it is as you said , she is in a very natural chemical stage in her life, at this point everytime you have ever let her down or not kept your promiss  to her, or tried to fool her with one of our childlike stories,just to make yourself sound important , we should all know that deep down in her soul she knew it was just bullshit, but because she loved you she put it aside and played along with your story. but now is the payback time, you as a husband or a lover must have all the patience in the world, kindness by e,g is the only way she will ever understand she has no more time to spend wipping your nose patting you on the head and sending you to work anymore. i promiss you this if you give her room and help around the house, do more than your share, you dont have to buy her the world but a simble of your love like a little gold ring so tiny you could loose it if you dropped it, the cheapest one you can find, and give it to her after a nice walk outside and for god sakes listen to her ,  you dont have the answers all her concernes but you could be part of the solution, try and remember what made you fall in love with this lady,   everything i just said to you  was said to me by my father  many years ago, i didnt listen then and you wont listen now, but after you have lost your wife  many years later you will pass this message on to another blind man and he will do the same ... remember this we are only men, we have no idea what women are all about, perhaps some day we will loose our blinders and  mirror we look into each day, and then maybe we will be equals in this wonderful world. The Old Man ______________________ To Mentally Exhausted: Please seek counseling and read all you can on mid-life crisis. Your a bigger man by addressing this issue and taking hold of it before it causes a divorce. Even if for some dumb reason you think you don't love your wife anymore, trust me sooner than later you will find out you do and it may be too late to get her back. After you leave for another woman and completely devastate her by  pulling  her life out from under her you could find her in the arms of another man. Depending upon how much you put her through she may find herself happier with him.  I've seen it happen too many times. Take time to read up on this and don't shut her out because it's not her fault. Give her the chance to understand this and help you get through it. It can last 10 years or better. My husband is in his 9th year of it and it's not pretty cause he's in complete denial of it even existing. The fact that you wrote this forum is a good sign that you are a real man and looking for answers. God Bless you and the best of luck to you. I don't think much of any woman that will invade on another territory. There are just too many fish in the sea and no need for it. MCS Click here to view my policies for responding or here to respond to something on this page. Please type "midlife crisis" in the subject box ofyour e-mail editor.