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Forum:The Midlife Crisis

So what are your thoughts on issues pertaining to the midlife crisis?Talk to me; talk to each other, or just talk. I look forward to hearingfrom you.

Midlife Crisis Forum by Year
April-December 1997 January-December 1998 January-December1999 January-December 2000 January-December 2001
Midlife Crisis Forum 1999
January-March April-May June-August September-October November-December

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November-December 1999

November 2, 1999

You know its funny -- I always thought a mid-life crisis was something men had to deal with. But now that I have been dealing with my own passage, it certainly doesn't feel like anything a man could possibly understand. It doesn't feel like anything ANYONE could understand. You go to bed one night perfectly content with your family and your life - and you wake up the next morning with this terrible yearning for 'something else.' I describe it as being homesick for some place you've never been. You have this gaping hole in your very soul, a burning knot in your gut, and sense of urgency that can't be denied. Everything around you looks different, sounds different, feels different - its like you've been dropped into the Twilight Zone. All the things you used to enjoy leave you flat. I, personally, have turned into a whining, selfish brat. For me, it seems that I spent my whole life taking care of everyone and everything else - and with the kids grown and doing fine - I should be having my turn - right? But MY turn seems to include things that would completely devastate the rest of the family. To be completely honest, I want to be knock-down, inside-out, can't stand it another minute, 'in love.' And in the same breath, I would like nothing better than to live on some mountain top in a one room shack - completely alone. I am 50 years old and don't know what I want to be when I grow up. And God help me -- I am scared to death to just give up and settle for what I have.

I guess that's the main thing -- I'm scared. Scared of what? I don't know. Scared that this is all there is -- this is all there will ever be. I am married for the second time to a wonderful man - we've been together for ten years. Most women would kill for the husband I have -- I have always been able to do anything I wanted. I could go anywhere, do anything - but I went alone. We haven't as much as kissed for five years - and I am missing that so very much. And to be honest, if he approached me now for sex - I couldn't do it - I don't feel I know him well enough. Or worse yet - it would feel like having sex with a brother. And yes, we have talked about it, but he doesn't have any answers for me - he is just not interested in any physical relationship. Even a hug would be wonderful. I have been 'living' in an attic room for the past two years - my little world. I don't seem to be connected to anyone or anything. Why am I still here? I don't know. I suppose I am frightened to try making it on my own. I have supported the family financially for 8 years - my husband lost his job about a year after we got married, and he never really looked for anything else. I took over a business and he helped me a little with that, but left all the responsibility of management, financial matters, employees, etc to me. For seven years, I didn't care -- just accepted things for the way they were and went about my business. Then this 'thing' hit - and I found myself sobbing all the way home from the office. I started losing interest in everything - and finally let the business go. I just couldn't carry the load anymore. My husband now has a minimum wage job and I am working part time. And of course, we are struggling financially. But this time, I just can't fix it - and honestly - don't want to. What I really want to do is just leave - and let him deal with it. But that doesn't feel quite fair - even though he was perfectly content to let ME carry the load before. Damn! This is so confusing! How come I was able to do it for him - and can't do it for myself?

And yes, I am having an affair. With a man that probably doesn't have any intention of going past what we have now. I know that I should give him up - but it feels like he is the only thing I have to look forward to. The alternative is - nothing. I know I should move out - but I guess I am a coward. My husband knows about the affair - we've never discussed it, but he knows. And he has never said a word - even when I don't come home until the next afternoon. I feel like I have been 'handed over.' What a God-awful mess!

My intellect tells me what I should be doing - but my heart (or whatever is guiding me now) just can't get the job done. Do you ever get past this? Is there a cure? Is the price I know I will pay worth it? Would it make any difference? Probably not. . . . .

BB

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I too am going through the pain of losing my husband. He is 36, we have 2 beautiful children and were so involved in their everyday life. I have gone for counseling, but I just seem to cry daily. He admitted to having an affair with my daughters friends mother, who in turn now has filed for divorce with her husband. How does someone wake up one day and not want their family? when you talk to them they seem like their listening but their not, their watching your mouth move. I feel so all alone and my kids know everything, we live in a small town and things have been said. My husband was like super dad and now he is okay with the pain and suffering the 3 of us are going through. He met this woman in June, started the affair the middle of July and asked for time the first week of August. I need to talk to someone cause I cannot stop crying and my friends and family think I am absolutely crazy and should be over it already. We celebrated or 13th anniversary in August and have know eachother for 25 years. He is not the same man or dad....tired of crying....

RR

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Hi. I'm looking for a career change. My present job is no longer financially sufficient. I'm a 47 year old female with no college education. I was a stay home mom for 10 years, worked as a secretary at a mortgage company for 5 years prior, and have been working in a doctor's office as a Medical Assistant (trade school diploma) for 15 years. I'm married but my new husband of only two years makes lousy money (sorry, honey). Any suggestions? Anything would be appreciated. Denise dengiordan@aol.com

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My husband of 22 years left the week before labor day and said he neded a change, did not love me anymore and he wanted to find happiness. Thee is no one else. I am a masters prepared Nurse practitioner working in a large cardiology group, and currently working on my Ph.D. He has moved to a 1 bedroom apartment and left a 4 bedroom house with 3 acres. He bought a guitar(does not know how to play). Signed up and attended 4 courses this semester in college and dropped all 4. His latest one was ballroom dancing. He said two years ago that he was repusled by weight gain and did not want to have sex with me or even go anywhere with me. He refuses couseling says there is nothing wrong with him, and if I want to go to couseling go ahead. He comes to the house 2 times a week to help maintain the home, he is taking me to a 4 day high school reunion in Penna, we live in Indiana. Can anyone hlp me try to understand him and if there is a chance for us in the future and how do you suggest I proceed and is there hope? thanks for any support, this is so hard I have lost 50 pounds over him and this situation, now he asks me why now are you loosing. My response is it is for me. I so devestated without him, he is the man that I love and do not want anyone else. he is a large protion of my world, any help from anyone is greatly appreciated.

Dottie (Indiana)

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I'm desperate. After 19 years in heaven she suddenly changes. Becomes hostile and very angry. She is 35. I can se now that the last year she has been strugling and has been harder to be together with. The last 2 weeks before she left, she told me that she needed time alone to find herself and during those two weeks we had some contact and she told me every time that she was looking forward to come home. But 2 days before she came home she called me and broke up. I wanted to meet and talk, not just in the phone, but sh said that she had gone to bed. I got her out of her bed and we met in a cafe. She was completely changed. Angry, sharp, hostile, she wouldn't touch me an was impossible to talk to because she was so angry. Less than two weeks after the break up she found another. She had earlier told me that she was fascinated by him. Sometimes we have met and I can see two personalities switching in her. The new cold and angry one and the old soft and caring one. She has told almost every body in her and mine family that she is 100% sure that it is the right thing she has done and she repeats it over and over. Who is she trying to convince? She told her sisters that she has met a man that has awakened feelings in her that she didn't know that she had.

I have been forced to give her space and I have to let her go and do things her own way. Will she ever come back to me or even to her self? Will her new personality take over for the rest of her life ? Will her new boyfriend (who she claims is the man from her dreams) be able to cope with her ? Can I do anything to get her back? She is the great love of my life and I deeply hope that this episode just is a bump on the road.

Help, help, help. I've been through hell this last month since her break up. I have been feeling left, cancelled, abandoned, dumped, lonely. I have been mad, sorry, desperate, helpless, furious and I now know feelings and personalities in my self that I didn't even know existed.

I have felt death, confronted death and asked God permission to die, but he wouldn't let me. This month has been the hardest period in my life (I am 39). But after confronting and 'eating' all those feelings from inside, (I chose not to ran away) I feel better. It has been hell to meet those sides and feelings in myself and I really sometimes believed that it would kill me. I feel a lot stronger now and now I want her back. But I need some help from people who know what is going on. I have no experience in this matter. Her name is Karis (Greek for God's mercy) and she really has been God's mercy those 19 years. Yes, she is the great love of my life.

Help....

David

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November 10, '99

Hi When I turned 40 in 1997 everything at my job turned bad because the boss' mother died and he took it out on everyone in our small firm, my husband did not care and I nearly cracked up at work. So at the end of 1997 I left my husband and got divorced. Then in early 1999 I lost the job because of stress, my back collapsed and I fell into a deep depression. I am having trouble feeling whole again and am having trouble finding a job or feeling like I can work again. I am getting only medication for my depression and have hardly any money. My ex-husband only pays me $243 per month child support for the three children since we used to have nearly equal incomes and we have 50-50 custody. How can I recover? I am now 42 and feel old and tired. I don't know how to resolve the feelings I have...what comes after mid-life crisis when you are forced to quit your job, feel unloved and unwanted by your husband and can't feel good enough about yourself to get up and get going again?

-VC

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Dear Help who wrote on Nov. 2/99 I have walked in your shoes and have experienced your pain. I am going through my 15 month of pain without the love of my life. I too have thought at times to let it go, bury your loss, count your blessings and yes, get on with life. I can only suggest to you that your Greek Goddess is in a terrible amount of pain and suffering too. She appears to be so selfish, so self-centered and probably in your own mind obnoxious and uncaring. Believe me when I say they are in a struggle to address unaccomplished dreams, looking for something that in their own minds is there but in reality is unattainable. Time, my friend is all you have. Get yourself in counselling, work on your feelings, address your issues. Find support with caring friends and family. Give your Goddess the space to find herself. Be supportive and caring. Only she can make the decisions that will decide whether she has found what she wants. Until then, my friend, help yourself. The stronger you are, the better you will be to make the decisions down the road that will change your life. I am still waiting with two lovely children for my love to be returned. Personal growth is painful but rewarding. I will keep you in my prayers. KJM/Canada.

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Hello! It seems ironic that my "midlife crisis" was actually compounded in part through the internet, yet I just found your site while looking for information on how to get my life straightened out! I'm a 39 year-old married (going on 8 years) professional with two kids (one with my current wife) ages 6 & 12 and I've been divorced once (9 years ago). I met my wife at work, dated while separated from my former wife, married her within a year and had a child within 9 months.

My "crisis" started over a year ago, approaching my 20th high school reunion. I'm not sure if there was any one thing that caused me to suddenly become interested in other women, but I found myself doing so (could it be hormonal)?. I even went to my reunion (alone), secretly hoping to have a sexual encounter with a woman (no one in particular). It didn't happen, but my "quest" for such things didn't subside.

Earlier this year I was sent an offer through the internet for a prize involving a weekend vacation. I usually don't enter these things, but this time I thought "why not?" and did so. I was taken to a singles website where, after registering for the prize (of course, to do so I disclosed my personal info), I decided to browse around. It was there I found a woman living in the same city as I do, and I decided to contact her. She seemed to be married, too, but looking for a pen-pal or such...I didn't see the harm in corresponding with her (after all, it's relatively safe).

After losing touch with her (she changed jobs & e-mail ceased), then finding her after a desperate search, I met her. Although she was somewhat different from what I imagined, she and I continued to see each other. One night, at a nightclub, she kissed me while dancing and, although not that night, we began a sexual relationship that has continued until recently. We've both told each other that we're in love, bought gifts, spent nights together at hotels, etc., unbeknownst to my wife (although I've told my wife that there is "someone else"...just not the extent of our relationship).

The sexual relationship I've been experiencing has been terrific...due mostly to the fact that this woman (who is just 2 years my junior) looks fantastic (she looks to be in her 20's and is a very petite 5'3", 105 lbs). This is contrary to my wife, who has always been "big boned" and has gained a significant amount of weight throughout our marriage (the diets have driven me absolutely crazy). She has 3 kids (from 2 separate relationships).

We've been having this affair for just over 3 months, catching whatever time together we can. I don't need to tell you the lies I've told in order to maintain this lifestyle. My wife knows that I'm going through some sort of crisis, even the fact that I've been interested in other women and 1 in particular. My wife's a wonderful person and has told me that, whatever it is, we'll work through it...even after I told her I wasn't physically attracted to her and doubted if I was in love anymore. I've convinced myself that she's not ever going to look like or be that "other woman"...and that's driven me apart from her.

My affair has been turbulent, despite the terrific times. This "other woman" has a volatile temperament and we seem to argue regularly...we've actually "split" several times, each time reuniting after a few days of silence or phone messages. She's told me she's tired of being the "other woman" and wants a full-time relationship with someone who can be there for her. I told her that my marriage is ending and I'd like to get an amicable (if there is such a thing) divorce...in fact, I've talked about it with my wife.

The other night I was out with my "girlfriend" and, after a few beers she began to loosen up and we talked about me spending the night at her house since her kids were gone for the weekend. I told her that I should call my wife to tell her some excuse out of courtesy....and she got angry with me. She then launched into this speech about how this wasn't working out, despite my talk of divorce, and that sex was out of the question (she even told me that I'd simply "f**k her and leave her"). Of course, that hurt me tremendously since my feelings for her go well beyond a sexual relationship...and I told her to leave, which she did (in a huff). I've been phoning her since, but no reply. It's driving me crazy to think of her with another man...I've been very emotional.

Now that I've had time to think...I've actually been talking a little with my wife (not about my affair, but about the fact that I'm all screwed up and need help). I've been told by my best friend (a woman, believe it or not) NOT to tell my wife about the sexual infidelity...that it would cause irreparable harm and would only relieve my feelings of guilt...but also put a permanent scar on my wife and our relationship. I don't want to do that.

I know I must deal with my life, let this woman go and try to salvage my marriage. I still feel the same about my wife's appearance, but I'm trying to focus on her inner beauty (I'm worried that if she doesn't do something to change I'll just revert back to my present-day state of mind). I told her I'd seek help...and we both agreed to go to counseling if necessary. She's a terrific Mom and one of the few women I know who would put up with me (I'm not that bad...a little anal retentive, perhaps!).

Anyhow, I'm trying to deal with letting this other woman go while repairing my marriage. I have tremendous feelings of pain and jealousy (thinking about her with other men) and I'm hurt...feeling rejected. But I'm also hoping to work through this and just have to believe that it'll subside eventually. I'd like your opinion and advice on what I should do to alleviate my stress considering the situation.

I want you to know that your website is absolutely wonderful. I read through a lot of Q&A and, like others, felt like I could have written some of them myself (with a twist)! I also read some from wives of "midlifers," which has helped me to look at the "other side" of my situation. Your advice seems to be very sound...not too extreme...practical and not condescending. That's why I'm writing to you now. Thanks in advance for your prompt reply! Sean

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HI JUST CHECKING TO SEE HOW EVERYTHING IS GOING UP THERE. I AM STILL THINKING ABOUT YOUR WIFE AND YOU AND JNOW THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE O.K,, I GUESS WHEN WE ARE IN THIS STATE OF OUR MARIAGES IT TAKES A STRONG PERSON TO SEE IF WE CAN MAKE IT. THE LAST LITTLE WHILE I FEEL THINGS GETTING BETTER, BUT THEN HIS MOODS COME INTO PLAY. I HAVE NOW LEARNED TO IGNORE THEM,I THINK WE ARE GETTING CLOSER, BUT I AM AFRAID TO ASK HIM HOW HE FEELS. WE HAVE MEET A COUPLE RECENTLY AND HE IS BEARING HIS SOUL TO THEM ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO HIM AS A CHILD,I THINK THIS IS GOOD THERAPY FOR HIM, AS HE REFUSES TO THINK HE HAS A PROBLEM. HOW WAS YOUR WIFE'S CHILDHOOD, AS THAT COULD BE A FACTOR IN HER SITUATION,YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE THE STRENGTH IN THE MARRIAGE AND THAT IS GREAT,AS YOUR WIFE SOUNDS LIKE SHE LOVES YOU BUT IS SEARCHING,EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS EVERYTHING IN FRONTOF HER.JUST LIKE MY HUSBAND. I KNOW IN MY HEART EVERYTHING IS GOINGTO BE O'K' FOR YOU AND FOR ME.WE MUST BE STRONG,TRY AND THINK POSITIIVE,BELIEVE I KNOW IT IS HARD SOMETIMES,BUT LATELY IF I THINK ONLY POSITIVE,IT SEEMS TO GO OVER TO MY HUSBAND. I AM READING A GREAT BOOK RIGHT NOW,SOME PARTS NOT ALL APPLY TO US,SO READ IT IF YOU LIKE BUT DON'T LET HER READ IT AS IT SAYS IT IS ONLY FOR ONE SPOUSE TO READ,IT'S CALLED"LOVE MUST BE TOUGH " BY DR. JAMES DOBSON, I HAVE READ ONLY A LITTLE BUT IT WAS RECOMMENDED TO ME BY A FRIEND. HOPE IT CAN HELP YOU TOO. HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON. CANADA IN THE U.S.

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November 22, '99

Hi, We have been married 21 years and still love each other very much. My husband finally told me last night that he needs to find the passion in our love making again. He is mixed up right now, not knowing if it is a midlife crisis or not. He has been doing a lot of traveling for work and I have noticed we didn't talk like we use to. We talking last night that we are so very compatable to each other, I know I have been trying to find different ideas for the romance again. Can you help me -us with ideas on recharging our passon. We won't to work on it so very much. I am scrared because I love him so much and he does too. Thank you for any suggestions. K.V.

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Hi, I think my husband is having a mid-life crisis. First he told me he was having an affair and promise he would end it, but to my surprise, when the alarm clock went off, he told me he did not want to be marry any more. I cried and cried, but he did not say "OK" we will work on it or nothing, he moved out and moved in with a woman that works with him. My husband is 38 and I'm 37. No matter how much I try to change or do what I think he likes, It did not phase him at all. I know were the OW lives and I have went to her house with him there on a couple of occassion and he did not leave with me, no matter how much I cried, beg or whatever. He has been gone for almost 3 months and don't come by much at all. Well, He came by on Tuesday and told the family that he was coming back home."WELL" He has 24 hour duty (he is in the military) and he was supposed to get off at 7am, it is now 9pm I went to where the OW lives and looked in her truck and seen his backpack he carries. I just walked away broken hearted after he told me he will give her up and work on the marriage plus told the kids he was back, Well mind you they are very upset, and my son said he did not want him back here because whenever he comes he is always hurting us. I cannot believe this is my husband! He puts the OW over his family and that makes me afraid that he won't feel for us and leave for good. It's so hard to move on right now because every time I feel I'm strong he will come around and give us false hope. It's like he is taking us for a ride. I'm so hurt I love him so much it hurts! We have been married for 15 years and he is just throwing it away to be with that *****. I was thinking of letting him go and be with that "OW" I'm so stress I have went 2 sizes down from a 8 to a 6 . If I drop off any more I will need rocks in my pocket to hold me down. Well, take care and thanks for listing. DH

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Hi I was so glad to find your website. It has been very informative and given me some hope. My husband turned 40 this year and I'm 35. On and off, for the last few years, he has been having moments of extreme irritability and depression. He says it's my fault because I won't lose weight, the house isn't kept clean, the kid's are noisy and won't clean their rooms, etc. It's true, I have put on some pounds which I've tried to lose with little success. Motivation is a big problem but, I see it as 'my' problem, not his. We can go for weeks getting along great including the sex. Then suddenly he's talking about how he's getting out of shape. (He still looks 25) He starts working out and giving me a hard time about my weight again. Lately, he's been angrier than usual. When he's not at work he goes hunting or sit's in front of the computer for hours. The kids (12 and 6) and I can't seem to do anything right. He blows up at them for just about anything they do wrong. Then, a couple of days ago, he blew up at me in front of the kids over a minor misunderstanding while we were in our car. He said some very hurtful things. He said that if I had listened to him in the first place there wouldn't have been a misunderstanding! The kids and I were in tears and we didn't speak the rest of the day. I let him now that I didn't deserve that but I'm still waiting for an apology from him. He has been distant but polite. I'm at my wits end. He has these blowups then acts like nothing ever happened and wonders why I haven't initiated sex with him! One of these days I think he's going to simply leave us. I believe he thinks it's all my and the kids' fault. He came from a broken family with a verbally abusive father. How do I convince him that maybe the problem is with himself. He's a good provider and a hard worker. He can be a wonderful husband and father but the sudden changes in mood are driving me nuts! Am I wrong about this being a midlife crisis? He acts like the most important things in life are what his wife looks like, how the children behave and wether or not the house is clean. I don't know how much longer I can live like this. The kids and I feel like we're walking on eggshells all the time, wondering if he's going to come home from work in a good or bad mood. I haven't given up on him but worry about our future. I always thought we would one day enjoy our grandchildren together but I'm afraid he's going to throw it all away over the mistaken assumption that something better is out there. Do you have any advise for me? Should I tell him I think he's in a midlife crisis, or will that just push him away further? Thank you for your time. "Hanging in There"

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November 29, '99

To Bob

You said it all. I need help also...please talk to me. KD

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To Canada in the USA.

I thank you for your kind thoughts and ongoing prayers. Yes I do pray that someday my love will be returned. I now more than ever realize that this is not about me but my wife. I love her dearly and will be here for her. I have now been reduced to the occasional kiss on the cheek rather than where a husband should receive one. I see her daily challenges and the pain in her eyes but I cannot do anything. This is her journey, her life's ambition. She continues the search for her soul mate and goes from psychic to psychic hoping to hear the right answers when it is right in front of her. Although she feels that she no longer loves me I find her pain increasing and her satisfaction decreasing. Our children have seen the changes and continue to ask if we are going to divorce. I place my request at the feet of the Lord for guidance and strength. I can no longer turn to anyone else. My faith, my prayers and the love of my children will get me through this. I cannot change another. Personal growth is painful but a real learning mechanism in which to learn a lot more about myself. I cannot change the past but I can be a part of our future as long as the love of my life is ready. I have learned that freedom is that right to be wrong not that right to do wrong. I therefore will wait and place my love and heart on a shelf until such time as love can be rekindled. I continue to reside in the family home not knowing whether she will come home at night or find another. As the Christmas season comes upon us, I pray for all couples in similar situations as myself and wish and hope that the Christmas miracle of life open up our lovers' eyes and hearts.

KJM in Canada

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To Hanging in There

HI I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING,WE EVEN CAME TO YOUR COUNTRY,AS MT HUSBAND FELT HE HAD BETTER OPPORTUNITIES THE AT HOME. I WAS LIKE YOU ARE FOR THREE YEARSUNTIL I FOUND THIS WEB SITE. BE PATINT WITH HIM, I WAS A LITTLE OVER WEIGHT, SO I STARTED WALKING 4 MILES A DAY THREE OR FOUR TIMES A WEEK, AND WATCH MY DIET, NOW HE IS NOTICING PEOPLE ARE TELLING HIM HOW GREAT I LOOK,I LOST 35 LBS, CUT MY LONG HAIR SHORT, AND DECIDED IF HE WANTED T OG OUT I WAS GOINGWITH HIM,YES IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR HUSBAND IS GOING THROUGH MLC,I HAVE NOTICED BY THE BOOKS INTHE LIBRARY AND IN CHURCH THAT IT IS AFFECTING MILLIONS OF MEN AND WOMEN RIGHT NOW,HANG ING THERE,START PRAYING,BE PATIENT, THE BOOKS I HAVE READ HAVE STATED THAT THE CRYING,BEGGING ETC,. ONLY AMKE THEM FEEL WORSE. THE OTHER NIGHT, I TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT I LOVE OUR CHILDREN VERY MUCH 12 AND 19(19 YR, OLD IN CANADA WITH GRAND MOTHER(,BUT SOMETIMES I WISH WE COULD GO OUT AND PARTY LIKE WE DID YEARS AGO,YOU KNOW TBAT MAKE A LITTLE SPARK,HE SAID LETS GO OUT FOR A FEW HOURS, WHILE OUR SON WAS AT HIS FRINDS HOUSE, SO WE DID. MEN SEEM TO NEED TO FIND THERE YOUTH, AND KEEP IT,IF WE ARE NOTWILLING TO GO OUTON A LIMB WITH THEM,THEY MAY GO ELSE WHERE. WE AS WOMEN MUST REMEMBER WE ARE THE STRONGER SEX, AND WE ARE THE ONES THAT KEEP THE FAMILY TO-GETHER, WE JUST GET EXTRA PROBLEMS ON THE WAY, I REMEMBER MY MOM TELLING ME THAT MENA RE LIKE LITTLE BOYS THEY GO FROM TBERE MOM TO THERE WIFE, THRY WANT TO BE GOOD PROVIDERS AND FATHERS AND HUSBANDS,BUT THEY ARE REALLY LITTLE BOYS. I LOVE MY HUSBAND WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND SOUL, AND I HAVE ONLY NOW AFTER THREE AND A HALF YEARS OF THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING, DO I SEE A LITTLE GLIMMERING OF HOPE,LOVE AND OESCE. I KNOW IT'S COMING,AND IT WILL BE BETTER THEN IT WAS BEFORE. HAVE FAITH,FAITH WILL GET YOU THROUGH ANYTHING.

CANADA IN THE U.S.

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December 8, '99

My husband's midlife crisis is one where he has had an affair for the past five years, and rather than make up for it all he talks about is that he is going to die before he is 50. He is 48 right now and very morbid when he is around me, but when he and I are out in public he really puts on that hey baby attitude with people so they have a difficult time reading him. I can look at him that very moment and he knows I know or he will ignore me so he can stay in that false mode. What do I do, because I am seriously thinking divorce.

AG

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I found this site today and have read many of your letters. They all seem to have the same thread in common. Men start to look at their lives and realize that they are dissatisfied with their wives, their jobs--basically all the major areas of their lives. It seems to me that men (sometimes woman) suddenly become self-centered and selfish and focus on all the things that are not the way they would like them to be. Their wives have gained weight and are no longer 25 (or whatever). Their jobs are routine. They are looking for excitement and thrills after years of caring for others and being responsible. My husband did the same thing so I'm speaking from experience. Suddenly I was overweight and not taking care of the house to his satisfaction. He said we I didn't share leisure time with him. He likes to play golf. I don't. He likes to watch sports. I don't. He now works out like a fanatic. I have lost weight, I'm getting things straightened out in the house, but know he says he wants a partner--someone to share things with. What the heck have we been doing for the past 23 years? I know that if the situations were reversed and I was the one going through this that he would be telling me to grow up and stop being so selfish. How come it does not apply to him? My husband is a minister but believe me that doesn't make any difference (except maybe that he won't have an affair as easily) This experience has been going on for over two years and every time I think we are getting better, something else rears its ugly head. I've been praying and seeking counsel and prayer from Christian friends and prayerlines I have found on the web. It has strengthened me but I still find myself wondering how someone who has promised you to love, honor and cherish you in GOOD times and BAD can forget those promises when they count the most. I know that even though he has hurt me badly with his selfish attitudes, I still love him and will keep my promises even if he does not. Thanks for listening. M

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My husband had a four month affair with a woman he met in a bar. At the time we had turmoil going on in our home due to an 18yr old daughter who had gotten pregnant and had her baby. They were staying with us and it caused so many problems. He was seeking a way out, away from the turmoil and ended up causing 100 times more turmoil than he ever dreamed of. We have been trying to pick up the pieces ever since. But I don't know that I will ever learn to trust him again. He realizes this and tries to do everything he can to show me he knows that what he did was a huge mistake, but he still goes through a lot of moments when he wants to escape... I'd like to escape sometimes too, but that's not possible. You have to deal with the present, no matter what it is. We don't want to throw away over 30 years of marriage away. He doesn't want to be allienated from his 4 children, but it is so very hard sometimes, even though it has been almost 3 years since the affair. There are still places that I cannot go back to, because of the humiliation I still feel. We go to counseling now, and I often think if we could have gone when things first started going bad, but we just could not see that far ahead. Now, we are just hoping to get past the nightmare, and move on to some kind of new relationship. The old one is gone.

TC

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December 17 , '99

I'VE BEEN WITH MY WIFE FOR 17 YEARS.LAST MONTH SHE SAID SHE WANTED A DIVORCE.SHE SAID SHE 'S MIXED UP AND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS.SHE SAID SHE NEEDS TIME ALONE.SHE'S ONLY 41.I'M 50.SHE STARTED TO GET INVOLVED WITH A MAN 3 YEARS YOUNGER THAN HERSELF.SHE SAID HE COMFORTED HER AND SHE NEEDED THE ATTENTION.SHE SAYS THEIR JUST FRIENDS. I LOVE MY WIFE DEARLY.IS SHE TOO YOUNG TO BE IN MID LIFE CRISIS?I'M LOST

DH

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I have been dating someone who appears to be going through a mid-life crisis. He has not dated anyone more than twice in six years until we met this summer. We have now been dating for 5/6 months. I am a single mother (33) of two young boys and he is 39, never been married and only one long-term relationship that ended six years ago. About two months ago, his previous girlfriend came to town and called him for the first time since she left him six years ago. They talked on the phone for about a month then he went down for a visit--when he left, he was not planning on anything happening but it did. He told me what happened and he said he keeps wondering "What if?" but says he does not still love her. I love this man and normally I would not condone what he has done, however, we had not discussed being exclusive and we did not discuss where we wanted to go with our relationship. In addition, she will be coming back to town (she lives 1,000 miles away) in another month to visit family.

He has been feeling stifled in his career and would like a change, he is thinking about the idea of marriage even though he didn't want to marry his previous girlfriend, catching up with her again and dating me has him wondering. He is also wondering whether he wants a family. His two younger brothers both are married with kids and normally, he goes on with his life here, since it is the holidays, he is getting together with them and doing "family" stuff. He is doing a lot of soul searching. We have had several discussions since I asked what has been going on and we still have a lot of ground to cover.

I am not entirely sure how I can help him with his dilemma. I do not want to lose this man but I also don't want to be a choice that he makes based on location. Any advice?

Hopeful

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I am in love with a man....42....who has been telling me he is in love with me for over 3 months now......He lives in Canada....I have left a marriage of 20 years and he told his wife of 22 years that it was over......he tells me he is not in love with her....that the feelings he feels for me are not the same as for her.....but when she finally said ok and let go.......he freaked out......his 16 and 18 year old kids were going to be with mom - and were mad at him.....and even his mom was upset.....understandable.....but now he is wondering if it is mlc.....and for me....I am 33 -- I know how I feel....I know what I felt FROM him......and it is just not fair to lose it all if he truly is out of love with her.....how do you deternine the difference between mlc and actual loss of love and being in love with someone else? I might add.....that I was not the first affair....however he did say all the others were flings....that he actually fell in love with me......I am so scared, lost, uncertain, and I have moved away from all my family and we had it all worked out practically....I was immigrating to be with him......my two young kids love him too.....this is so hard..... I cannot give names or his addy....but mine is ChatAlot66@cs.com can anyone help us????? *tears*

My husband and I have been together 15 yrs. He told me he still loves me alittle and can't stay with me.He wants freedom. He said he would stay till after the holidays and says I should sleep in the same bed.No sex but he did hold me. He said he would call or come and see me every day. He said he might come back but couldn't make any promises. He said he would miss me and our daughter 15yrs. He is going to be 42 this month and I turned 49 last month. He tells me it isn't my fault, but it is his. I can't quit crying I love him so deeply.

Heartbroke in Indiana

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Hi my name is Rick I just turned fifty last month. I have been married for over thirty years . My wife and I work in different states and have maintained a very loving and faithful relationship through those years apart. We raised our children and watched them grow to be very successful persons. Many people have asked me how we are able to maintain a marriage with such a distance between us. My answer has always been without reservation," We have a strong commitment with each other" I truly feel my wife is without reproach in her love and desire to honor me. I have always wanted to honor her as well. I has been a great thing for thirty some years. Now comes the problem! When I turned fifty a very lovely and energetic co-worker thru a birthday party for me. She already had my respect for her ability to work circles around most men, and her ability to solve complex problems and have everyone come out winners was impressive to say the least. She even took me out to her favorite fishing spot on the river and we caught some great fish together. I was doing all this with her all the time telling her what a loving wife I had at home. I didn't what to ever mess up my friendship with this co-worker for anything. It was on my birthday she turned up the heat. She had been planning to leave her present relationship for some time and she turned her emotional affections toward me. I didn't have any plans to ever have an affair with anyone, ever. As I became more emotionally evolved with her it turned into an addiction that even today feels like love. There are a lot of things about her that I know I like. There are many things I don't know or maybe refuse to look at in fear of what I might see. Little things like Loyalty, Faithfulness, Commitment, Now I have started the divorce wheels rolling with my wife and seem to be only concerned with myself and my feelings. I was thinking that I was using a clear head in my choices. I don't have myself convinced though. I think I have screwed up so bad I may not be able to recover any kind of real loving relationship with my wife. I most certainly don't want to live in misery and distrust for the rest of my life just to avoid the pain of a divorce. So I ask myself " self" here is a very active thirty-eight year old gal that has a couple hundred thousand dollars in savings, has a great job making about the same as I make, Cooks and eats healthy. Loves to fish and hunt. Loves to play guitar and only likes to hear great music. These are most of the things I love. Except for the eating healthy part. She even has her own shop tools and equipment and gun safe . I honestly feel we can tell what the other is thinking and feeling just by looking into each others eyes. She is most comfortable to be around day after day with no changes in her personality noticed to date. I don't have anything against my wife at all but no I see a chance for all this. Is it to good to be true. After all she knew I was married when she mad the moves on me. What should that tell me about her. confused

RK

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I am a 43 year old male and just found this site by mistake. I have found it interesting to listen to most of the folks writing in asking for advise, and there seems to be a very common denominator in most the letters. I'm no psychologist or have no formal training in counciling in any sort, but I may have some helpful advise, as I have learned the hard way from many of my own mistakes in life.

In my past experiences I have found that the biggest reason for relationships going south is the lack of newness, passion and respect. We all seem to get in ruts with our significant others because of bordom in our relationships; whether it be sexual, our jobs, or the "taking for granted" of our spouses. We have to remember what attracted ourselves to our mates in the first place. It was the newness of it all... the flirtations, our (usually) physical attractiveness of the other party, and our desire to share with that individual. Isn't it ironic that when we first fell in love, we couldn't find hardly any faults in the other person, or if there were faults, we had the understanding to accept them because of the other qualities that they possessed which overrode it. . Physical (albeit "sexual") attraction is usually what got us interested in the other person in the first place. That's how nature works in almost all species. Remember the things we did to try and impress our perspective mates? Remember our manners, our flirtations, our appearance, our respect? I have found that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar!.

Try complementation .

Gentlemen, don't criticize your wives for being overweight. Just joke about it in a loving teasing way. I bet you don't have the same washboard stomach you did when you were 22. We all learn from example. Get your butt to the gym or take the initiative to start your new diet and tell her how good you're feeling about yourself in trying to improve. Chances are she will follow. She will see your newfound energy level and passion about yourself. Ask her (don't' demand) she join you at the gym, and make it fun. Most of the time all a man needs to know is that his wife is making a conscience effort to improve herself and her personal appearance to regain his passion towards her.

Be spontaneous, but do it with her in mind. Don't buy her flowers... Steal her flowers! When was the last time you wrote her a love letter, hmmmm? When was the last time you surprised her by doing the laundry, or cleaning the house, or calling the baby-sitter and arranging a quiet, romantic candlelit dinner at home? Women love that shit! (hehehe) Do you always have to spend every Sunday afternoon in front of the tv watching yet another sporting event? Maybe NFL stands for Not- For- Long as far as your marriage goes!!!

Ladies, when was the last time you flirted with your husband? I mean really flirted like you used to when you were dating? How about a new hair style, a different cologne, or making sure that he saw you glancing at another man at a traffic light? Instead of wearing that same old flannel nightgown, wear one of his shirts when your watching tv and see what happens!

Do something romantic! Do something outrageous! Something new, exciting, fun, dangerous.. make his blood boil! Instead of wearing panty hose, get yourself a pair of thigh highs for the next time you go out for dinner and don't tell him until he discovers it when you cross your legs at the table with just a hint of the top garter showing (a personal fave of mine!)<grinning>. In the bedroom, shock the bejeezus outta him for a change... leather for example, (or anything your naughty little mind can come up with) and watch his eyes grow wide, and enjoy that impish boyish grin creep across his face! Silk scarves are nice too! Tell him how sexy a man HE is for a change and watch his chest puff out subconsciously. You'll find that all the sudden he'll start opening doors for you again, and maybe even surprise you with those little presents like he used to. If he doesn't bring you flowers anymore, then give him a reason!

These are just of my own personal thoughts on these matters. I hope I have been of some help, and not offensive to anyone. I have learned from experience what could possibly have made my own past relationships work. They may work for you, they may not..... what have you got to loose?

Good luck!!!

MS

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I can't tell you how much this website has helped me....Anyways, after 4 long and awful months, my husband and i are going to marriage counseling. Things are going really well. He was having an affair, and i hope i can get over that. So far so good, we are communicating more now and are more open then ever. Hang in there, and once you start to get on with your own life, they will finally notice what they' are losing. My heart goes out to all of you as well as myself and my children...

RR

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December 25, '99

This is some friendly advice for Rick from one who's been there. When you married your wife, you saw your future of happiness mapped out for you just as you think you do with this new woman. The promise you made to your wife and she to you was that you would forsake all others (and their promise of happiness) because the grass always looks greener on the other side and that is a threat to any relationship. Happiness comes with what you each give to the relationship not when you expect your partner to bestow happiness upon you. You "feel" things with this new person that you aren't feeling with your wife. What you are feeling is novelty. When that is gone and reality checks in, will you still be happy? It depends on whether or not you can live with the aftermath of your actions - namely giving up on a good relationship to join a woman who obviously has no respect for herself (if she did she would not be chasing married men.) On the other hand, perhaps she's helping you to find out that you had a poor relationship and you want her to chase you until you catch her? It's hard, Rick, because that "that lovin' feelin'" is so wonderful. But you can have it again with your wife -- if your willing to expend the energy. Tough decisions. Good Luck!

D.

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Response to MS:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR IMPUT. IT WAS VERY NICE TO HAVE A GRNTLEMAN GIVE HIS TWO CENTS WORTH. AND A LOT OF ENCOURAGEMENT. ALL THE THINGS YOU ARE TELLING US TO DO, I HAVE DONE. I LOST 35 LBS, GOT A HAIR CUT, AND A LITTLE SURGERY, TO MAKE HIM NOTICE ME. MY HUSBAND WORKS IN A 99% WOMENS FIELD. bUT HE STILL KEPT SAYING HE HAD A PHYSC, PROBLEM. i WAS NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON OUR 20 YEAR MARRIAGE.wE HAVE HAD A FEW ARGUMENTS, BUT IF HE GOES OUT, AND I WAIT A BIT, THEN GO FIND HIM FOR EXAMPLE, HE IS SO HAPPY I CAME FOR HIM. I THINK BY WEARING THE SEXY CLOTHES MAY UPSET SOME MEN, AS THEY CAN'T PERFORM,BECAUSE OF THEIR MENTAL STATE. MY HUSBAND IS A PRIME EXAMPLE. SINCE I HAVE STOPPED THROWING MYSELF AT HIM WITH CLOTHS OR TALK, AND WENT BACK TO HAVING FAITH !!! AND ALOT OF PRAYER TO GOD, I HAVE SEEN A DIFFERENCE. IT FEELD SO GOOD WHEN HE LAYS CLOSE TO ME IN BED,HE LETS ME PUT MY ARM IN HIS ARM AGAIN,FOR A LONG TIME HE WALKED AHEAD OF ME. I BELIEVE HE IS IN A CHRONIC DEPRESSION BECAUSE OF HIS STATE OF MIND, HE MISSES HIS FAMILY (BROTHERS,SISTERS) VERY MUCH. hE HAS NOT HAD A XMAS WITH THEM IN 5 YEARS. wE LIVE QUITE FAR FROM THEM. THAT IS ANOTHER STORY, BUT THAT WAS THE BEGINING OF HIS MLC. MY HUSBAND IS MY PEACE AND I KNOW I AM HIS STRENGTH. WHEN OUR LOVE AND MARRIAGE IS GOING TRONG WE CAN O ANYTHING, LARGE OR SMALL. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE SHAKKING HIM AND SAY, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT THE PASSION I HAVE FOR YOU INSIDE. BUT I THINK WE AS LADIES NEED TO MAYBE HOLD BACK ALITTLE, THEY ARE GOING THROUGH ALOT. WE NEED TO BE PATIENT, AND YES THEY MAY WEAR THIN, BUT ISN'T YOUR MARRAIGE AND FAMILY WORTH IT. THE PROBLEM WITH FAMILIES TO-DAY,IS AS SOON AS THEIR IS A LITTLE PROBLEM, THEY CALL IT QUITS.WELL OUR PARENTS, AND THEIR PARENTS WENT THROUGHT THE SAME THING WE ARE GOING THROUGH,EXCEPT THEY DIDN'T TALK ABOUT IT. WE ARE GROWING, TESTING OUR STRENGTH, LOVE ,TRUST,COMMITMENT TO OUR HUSBANDS AND WIVES. YES AND WOMEN GO THROUGHT THE SAME THING, AND SOMETIMES BOTH SPOUSES AT THE SAME TIME. TRY DIFFERENT THINGS TO SEE HOW THEY WORK. i FEEL MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND IS GETTING BETTER, BUT IT IS GOING TO BE A LONG ROAD, AND I AM GOING TO TRAVEL IT WITH HIM, AS I KNOW THIS IS WHAT HE WANTS, BUT WON'T ADMIT IT. LISTEN TO WHAT THEY SAY TO YOU, AND TRY AND SEE IF THEIR IS A SPECIAL MEANING IN IT FOR YOU, AND DON'T THINK NEGATIVE ALL THE TIME, WHEN HE SAYS SOME THINGS TO YOU. GET YOUR FAITH BACK , AND TRY TO GET ALL THE DOUBT OUT OF YOUR MIND. THINK POSITIVE, HE CAN FEEL YOUR NEGATIVE VIBES, AND THEY DON'T HELP MATTERS AT ALL. JUST REMEMBER BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL MAN OR WOMEN, THEIR IS A SPOUSE THAT LOVES THEM WITH THEIR WHOLE HEART AND SOUL. MARRIAGE, LOVE, TRUST, COMMITMENT IS THE HARDEST GOAL WE HAVE TO-DAY AS MORALS AND VALUES DON'T SEEM TO BE IN THE AMERICAN FAMILY PLAN ANYMORE. REMEMBER PRAYER,AND FAITH,GOD WILL HELP YOU IF YOU ASK. THANK YOU MS FOR YOUR COMMENTS, I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR VOMMENT TO THIS NOTE. EVERYONE HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS, A JOYEUS NEW YEAR.

CANADA IN THE USA

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To Chatalot66

I think your friend is going through his MLC, and when he wakes up you may be in the cold. I work with a women who is in your shoes, but she got him to get a divorce, then have a child. They attend the same church he did with his other family, they are looked down upon, she just quit her job as she can't take the talking anymore. any way,she is now ralized that if he can leave his first family, maybe he will leave them when he gets to his senses. people going through their MLC< sometimes do crazy things, and WILL REGRET them later, one way or another. i know this may sound mean,but you are his LAST FEELING of youth, and men are the hardest creatures on this earth willing to grow old gracefully. you don't live in Canada,where do you live, and emember he could be playing a game with you and his family. Men do and say alot of wierd things at this time in their lives. be careful, you may get hurt bad, or tell him to go back to his family, as they will always be their, maybe not in body but in thoughts and spirit for the rest of his life.

CI-USA

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Well, I don't know if this quite qualifies as mid-life crisis as all the stories I read have been a married situation. I am single 51,female,actually divorced for several years,and quite content with my life except the feeling that something is missing. I don't know if it;s physical,spiritual,sexual or just plain companionship. I like my job most of the time,yet have an overwhelming urge to run off & live in the tropics. I miss my family, we all live far apart, I have no kids, but have some great friends. I am facing the fact of mortality,am in very good health. Can anyone help me put my finger on it !!! I would love a peer group of good conversation, closeness without ulterior motive,I'm sick of material things,but used to the lifestyle. I wish I knew what I want to be if I ever grow up! Any replies, I don't know about this site,or what to expect, anyway,I've nothing to lose, Gina,Utah

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