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September 16, 2001
Sorry, I've been away from my computer of about six weeks. Here are the postings I received since mid-August.
I enjoyed this site enormously !!
Thank you.
Paula
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I believe my 40 year old husband is experiencing a mid lfe crises. He
seems to be searching for 'something' all the time. He has been very
successful in business and I think that he is disappointedthat this success
that he has always craved and dreamed about, doesn't satisfy nearly as
much ashe had expected.
The problem is that we can't talk about this because he believes that
mlc is nonsence. How can Ibehave toward him in a manner that would
reassure him, without selling my self out, i.e. 'oh surehoney, go and do
what ever you want'.
Do you have any advise for me.
Sally
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I'm a 36 year old mother of a 7 and 10 year old, and I am going through
a mid-life crisis. Looking forward to wandering through you site.
Kathy
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VT, First and foremost, I don't know where you are in your life when it comes to religion. I know a man that can cure you from everything that you are feeling including suicidal and that is the Lord. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and he will see you through this crisis.
I am 40 years old and never been married. During this year, I had a hysterectomy. Sometimes I feel alone in my life but one thing for sure, I have someone that I can tell all my troubles to. He is my friend when I lonely. You can't worry about things you don't have control of. When the problem is to big, take it to the Lord and leave it. He will surely fix it. Always remember that God loves you and that's all what matters. Find you a hobby and get involved with other interest. My prayers will be with you.
ZT
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I recently became a grandmother for the first time !!!!
This has made me very happy but sad. After all the
years of raising my only child as a single parent ---- struggling to
make ends meet and getting her to college ----
it has all paid off. She married, with a child and working in
a profession she loves. ----- Now it is time for me.
I have been in the Health Care Industry for 20 yrs---- Working in Business
Management in Hospitals, Nursing
Homes and Home Health. I am very good with people, and
have great organizational and financial management
skills, but I am tired of the hospital setting. I
am currently employed with a great corporation but I am really for
a change. I have a Master's degree in experience but I
have never been able to complete my degree. I was
always working to pay for my daughter's education.
What do you suggest for me? What colleges in North Carolina
or Virginia would use my Life experience to help me
get my degree? I have often thought of Human Resources
-- since I have dealt with many people and
organizations in my experience. I do know that I desperately
want to complete my degree. I want to move to
the beach, and work on getting my degree.
Thank you --- I enjoy your website---- I found it listed in an article
in the Virginia Pilot written by Joyce Lain
Kennedy. She was writing about career changes and suggested "google.com"
Bobbye
____________________
Dear GM and all others going through this crap,
I could have written GM's very same letter. Married 11 years, together
17, since I was 15...two small kids almost 3 and almost 5. Just moved to
huge home in another state, got it all fixed up with landscaping, decorating,
and huge playset for the kids. Were trying for 5 months for baby
number 3, and all of a sudden the weird behavior begins. Saying strange
degrading things about me when before he would never have dreamed of it,
said he wasn't proud of me staying at home with my kids, and how he is
tired of "carrying" me all these years, basically telling me I'm a loser.
He is a total workaholic and is leaving me for the love of his life, his
job. He is looking to me and saying that I am the problem in this relationship,
when I have been at home for 5 years with the kids, like we agreed I would
do. I have been dealing with divorce proceedings since may, and it's been
a nightmare/ He still lives with us so I a;m reminded of this daily. I
don't know if he''ll ever wake up or not but surely it'll be
too late. I haven't told me two precious kids and will have to soon.
I think he is crazy. We have had a wonderful relationship and two gorgeous
healthy kids and basically everything life has to offer and he chooses
to divide up everything in half, not see the kids as often and give up
a beautiful home and even a cut e dog and of course the love of a wonderful
wife, for what? Anyway all, you are not alone and these guys are lunatics...good
luck to you all. julie
I have just visited your on-line bed and breakfast. Thank you
so much for the great information I received by reading your articles.
Sincerely
francina
____________________
please help me if you can.
I am a female - 40 years old....have been having numerous affairs now
going on close to 3 years. My husband is a wonderful
man...lover...friend..father. Our problem is money. (or
lack of it)..between the creditors calls - and never being able to buy
anything new for myself or the kids - is making me nuts. I seek out
men of means..they take me out - buy me lunch - and i am overwhelmed.
I have a man in my town that has offered me a "better" life meaning financially.....and I honestly think I have fallen in love with him. What I am not sure if - have I fallen in love with the idea..or truly with him. People will think I am absolutley out of my mind - I am the envy of my friends with my husband....i also have 2 children...13 and 5 - both boys.
I feel like I am about to lose my mind - many letters from women?>
G
____________________
his is so weird. We have been married for 21 years. We have
a daughter who is 20 and in college. All of a sudden, after years
of great love between us....our daughter leaves for college and he finds
a girlfriend at work. But the weird part about it is that he instantly
starts hating me (his wife). After 21 years he says he should have
left 21 years ago. He is obsesses with
younger women and better bodies ( Like he is some muscle man).
He is acting so stupid. I have tried talking to him but cannot make
any sence. He is ready to leave me. He goes to the bars
alot and drinks alot and we no longer have sex. I think it's really
over and I just cannot hang on anymore. Despite all of this....I
do tell him that I truely loved him when I married
him and I loved him for 21 years. Whatever he is going thru...well,
it's killing me. He has nothing good to say about me or our daughter.
Help!!!
BG
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Dear John S.,
I read your story and thought, "Wow, he sounds like the male version
of me!" The circumstances are quite different, but the
emotions you're going through sound exactly the same. Unfortunately,
I have no advice for you. My ex, on the other hand, would recommend seeking
solace in a "girl" nearly half your age who has no recollection of the
Reagan Era... at least, it's worked for him. (After months of reflecting,
he discovered the one thing that was missing in his life was dorm parties!
Go figure!). All kidding aside, I, too, am familiar with that "No Way Out"
feeling. But I've always been a firm believer in the idea that all things
happen for a reason. Perhaps if we think about it long enough, it will
finally dawn on us. In the meantime, if you happen to run across that desolate
island but find it's too big for one person, drop me a line. I'll sublet
the other half...
Crushed Spirit
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To JB and all other readers,
I have done alot of searching to find answers to this major problem
in our life. I'm glad I found this forum and hope that
someone has answers or any suggestions to give me.
To begin with, I am 37...my husband just turned 38. We have been
married 17 years and have 3 children...18, 15, and
13...and 1 grandchild...9 months old. I guess the major problem
started 2 years ago...well that is when I noticed it. My
husband is one who thinks women are to be in "total subjection" to
men and if not, you are rebellious. That all came from how
he was raised! A few years back, I wanted to go to college because
all my kids were school...and he complained that I was
becoming too independant. Well, I quit the Fall2000 semester
after I failed a class and made a D in the others. He has been
going through his little deal too long...and I honestly dont know how
long I can handle it!!! If I go to bed before him...or
without inviting him....he gets ticked off...and will keep me awake
for hours then gripe the next morning cause he is tired and
has to work. He doesnt like me to do anything unless its with
! him!!! And when we do spend time together, he complains
that we never do anything,cause we didnt have sex!!! One day,
we spend about 10 hours together...running errands (for
him)...and later that evening he started fussing...how I never spend
time with him cause we didnt do anything! If I want to do
something with my girls...he gets mad and pouts. He is always
ANGRY at me...and I never know why!! He doesnt talk or
have much to do with me unless he wants SEX. At night, if he
knows I aint going to do it...he completely ignores me...he says
theres nothing to talk about if we aint going to do "it". 2 years
ago, I had a hysterectomy...and yes, hormone change is
difficult...or it was for me. I didnt want him to touch me.
A week after the surgery, he wanted to have sex...I still had staples
across my stomach...he flew off when I told him no!!! It seems
that if I dont have sex, he goes into this RAGE...he is so
ANGRY at me! all the time. Now, I cant stand for him to touch
me at all.&nbs p; When I try to do it...he gets mad cause he
says I aint enjoying it! He has starting getting a tan...listens
to that music he listened to when he was young. He drives around
with it very loud...it is so embarrassing at times. We have always
led a Christian life and now all that matters to him is SEX. I
keep asking myself, "when will this end"? "Will it ever end"...I cant
stand much more of it. He snaps at my kids and company
sometimes. He is very difficult to deal with. He is not
abusive...thank God!!! But there is times that I am scared
of him cause
the way he looks at me. I dont like divorces...but I do think
that we are h eaded there...and I hate to say it, but I think life will
be better for me and my kids. I keep wondering if its all me...he
says it is!! His mom died a year ago....and recently, he told
me it was my fault!! I have been accused of everything.
He says its my fa! ult that he cant erect!! Its my fault that he
cant get
"up" when he wants to. I have such a low esteem, that most the
time I wonder why I am even alive! I have began to hate
men!! Everytime I see one...I cant stand looking at them.
I know they are probably all alike. I am turned off completely...my
sexual desire is at 0. Sometimes I lay in bed at night
and wonder what it's like to be "held" by someone who loves you.
Is
marriage just a "sexual" thing...and when it slows down...so
does the marriage. Is there a normal amount of sex to keep the
marriage alive? Is there a man out there that just "loves" to
be "with" a woman without expecting sex? I have changed
too....does the 0 sexual drive have something to do with "mid-life
crisis"? I really need help!! Will I ever feel like doing it
again? Am I abnormal? He tells everyone I aint normal.
If you want to email me...! .it is: bert334@hotma il.com
I really
need some answers. He won't consider seeing a doctor...he says
it's all ME!!! Is it??? Am I 'that' abnormal?????
haha..sometimes I wonder if I'm human.
MLC help!
RLR
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Hi:
I am a 42 year old male, married for 16 years with two children, ages
16 and 14. My wife and I married after she became pregnant
with our first child. Our courtship was short, and in my opinion,
would not have led to marriage if not for the baby.
I have never experienced intimacy with my wife. We have sex, and I
say the "I love yous", but it is not intimacy. I want to be in love
with my wife, and have an intimate relationship, but I don't know
how to get there. There are several things that might be blocking
me from growing close to her, but I'm no expert at determining if
these are effecting my ability to achieve intimacy. Here is an ugly list
of my past and present garbage: *Resentment. I had to get married and therefore
didnt get to date as long as I would have.
* My wife is carrying an extra 30+ pounds which I find very unattractive. I am angry about this, as she knows it makes me unhappy but doesnt seem to have the will-power to change her habits for more than a day or 2. But even before the extra weight, there wasnt any intimacy. *I had an affair about 8 years ago. She found out and forgave me, but it may have effected my ability to reach intimacy with her (have I forgiven myself)? * I am very attracted to other women. I want to feel this way about my wife, but I constantly think about cheating, and sometimes put myself into situations that could allow that to happen again (it hasnt though).
*I am Catholic, and she is a born-again Christian. I don't like that
my kids are being brought up outside the Catholic faith, and that she controls
their spiritual development. This results in us not having a joint prayer
life, as I am mad about the situation.
*She is very active in her church, gives them a lot of our money, and
drives 45 minutes one-way (more money) three times a week to go there.
*Due to a job loss (my own fault-alcohol related, but I did successfully quit drinking over 5 years ago), I don't make as much money as I used to, putting a further strain on our finances.
* I have low self-esteem. No wonder from reading the list above, huh?
The only redeeming thing I can say about me is that I want the relationship
to get better, but I don't know how to let go and feel the intimacy. My
wife says I am a very sweet and compassionate man, which I agree with,
but I need help to allow it to penetrate into my marriage. Any comments,
no matter how blunt would be appreciated. Thanks,
Bill
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I too, am glad I found this site. First comment is that everything I've
read here fills me with human connectedness. We're all not so different.
There is hope for every person here, regardless of their MLC for the simple
fact that they are seeking to deal with life at this stage by communicating
their situations. It is indeed good to know there are others with MLC's,
if you wish to put a name on it.
Gotta say, DH, you made some excellent points to Miserable in Paradise.
To add to that I'd like to say this. I think in the upward climb to gain
many of the material things we would like to have and enjoy, once we have
arrived we find that it wasn't really the material things that we reaped
from our efforts that really meant the most. It was the journey getting
there...the aptness, the skills, the growth and satisfaction of achieving
each step of the way.
Those who enjoy the stimulation of achievement often find themselves
dissatisfied when they arrive. I agree, Miserable, that a
change and new goal would be beneficial and give a new zest to life
for you.
It is wise to think through the pros and cons. Forty-two is by no means
"finished!" But, in my opinion, it would be remiss not to
mention that a degree of age discrimination does indeed exist. You
are fooling yourself if you don't take this into consideration.Proceeding
with caution and careful planning is smart.
I almost hesitate to mention it, but you obviously have a lot of knowledge
to share with others. One option is to package your
knowledge in a creative way and market it online. The challenge would
be there for putting together your product in a creative approach, but
your knowledge is already there and wouldn't have to be researched from
scratch.
In addition, you may well make more money than you ever dreamed
possible, with the added freedom of taking off when you want to, to do
whatever you want that you've never had time for. In addition, you could
begin this online entrepreneurial adventure "Part-time" and not leave yourself
at such financial risk. Just a suggestion.
Now a word to DH. I truly appreciate your point of view and response
to the many women who have shared here. It's always
beneficial to hear where the other gender is coming from!
Just a word of my history. Since no one knows me I'll be very open
and frank. I lived for 19 years with a very unaffectionate,
unromantic, and even "unanimalistic" sexually type of man. He basically
was the ruler and I was work mule and mother of his
children. He truly wanted nothing more. He didn't want me to read,
speak, think, and preferred I stay at home and do as he asked. I obliged.
We obviously had occasional sex...due to me, (I can count on
my right hand literally the number of times he initiated sex in 19
years). We had four children together. I was as attractive and as seductive
as I knew how to be and gave him plenty of pleasure. However, it was not
returned. For every hour of foreplay I dished out and he enjoyed, I was
lucky if I was touched longer than 10 SECONDS, literally! There are parts
of my anatomy the man never touched. I tried to, tenderly, at a vulnerable
moment broach the subject. He clammed up for two months....I didn't try
to share it again.
Not bragging, but let me stress that I was a very clean person, dressed
attractively and with taste, was elected most beautiful in
high school, was a very decent and moral person (not passed around
prior to marrying him at age 20.) We simply were not a match. But back
then, he made ME feel unattractive and inadequate. I prayed many a prayer
asking God to take away my sex-drive. He didn't.
Did I play around? Definitely not! Did he? I sorely doubt it. Let's
put it this way, after two months of newlywed life, we had had sex only
twice! And it never got better. I was a good Christian person and divorce
was out of the question. So I tried to please him in all other ways, was
obedient, kind, and was willing to wait and hopefully nuture some passion
between us. Well...I waited 19 years and it never happened!
Our divorce was very devastating and all of the personal feelings of
failure I took upon myself for not being able to warm up this cold and
distant kind of man. He didn't drink or drug or party, was pleasant to
the public (silent, cold, and often cruel at home), worked hard, was clean
to the point of "kissing" was dirty to him, decent, not religious but very
moral.
I will never understand what exactly I did wrong. After the divorce,
I eventually decided to go to college. I assumed (he had me thinking
this way about myself) no one would want me, plus I had four teenagaers
I needed to be stable for.
Being a moral and spiritual person with an enormous sex-drive (by my
own basic nature and from being starved for 19 years) was VERY difficult.
I got into speed-walking five miles a day to work off some of the "tension"
but it only helped to make me more shapely. Well...you get the picture.
Guys came on to me worse. I remained celibate though for a good year---my
journals however were *s*t*e*a*m*y*!
To close this story after a two year friendship with a man I met in
college (and that's all it was was a friendship---afterall he was 10 years
younger than me) we one day "took care of my tension." Three months later
we married (was a first marriage for him) and life cannot be better! I'm
now 52 and he is 42, and although we are no longer newlyweds we still act
like it.
I know from a very personal history how devastating it can be to have
no communication, affection, or physical pleasure and
intimacy. My now husband was overweight when I married him, and was
as starved to feel loved as I was. His weight has NO
bearings on absolute bliss---he is the sexiest man on the face of the
earth to me. We are geared exactly the same. Our
communication is what I'd always dreamed of. I am living the life I'd
always dreamed about.
My regrets? I really don't have any. Except for maybe blaming myself
for a bad first marriage when actually it was no ones "fault". Just a very
poor mix.
Life is a mystery. We cannot always understand it all. But it is NOT
worth being miserable for years. It's too short for that.
MLC may well happen. But I for one will give it all I've creatively
got to see that the man I love "identifies" what it is that's bothering
him. I expect the same of him. And whatever I can do to help, if it takes
meeting him in another town wearing a red wig, hey...I will. (It might
even be a little fun).
If you love your mate, communicate! Pay attention. Nurture desire.
Share your fears, even those you have no name for.
Give them room or "permission" to find what stimulation or challenge
they need to keep their personal life exciting.
My college degree landed me in a hospital department manager job. Well.....my
husband wants to move several states away and do something together he's
always wanted. So here I sit at my computer, boxes all packed, waiting
for him to come and get the second load of our things and we're off to
a new adventure. Sure it's a little scary, but it's exciting and fun too.
And we have each other.
Do I regret throwing away my college degree? Heck no! Money isn't everything.
I want my husband happy. I'm looking forward to the challenge of building
his business with him.
I wish you all the best. Never give up defining what will make you
happy! And go for it. And care about your mates needs, for
goodness sakes. But if a relationship is dead or one-sided or psychologically
damaging to either of you, either correct it, or end it. Why suffer? Life
is WAY too short.
Stillkickin
____________________
Wow, I am feeling both relief and more pain at the site of this column!!
I have read some of your stories and my broken heart cries out to you and
for you all. I thought there could not possibly be any other people
out there in this world going through the same thing I am and yet, here
you all are. I really don't have much to offer except that my 36-year-old
husband has kept all of his resentments to himself for over 13 years of
marriage and then used them against me to have an affair that he continually
lied about, even though I could see the writing on the wall. I asked
and asked and he told me that I must be losing my mind and what was the
matter with me? We have three children, prayed for each one to be
born but the last. The youngest is a surprise gift from God, our
only son. I know my husband is not the type of man to see his son
as a way to carry on his name, that ego thing, if you know what I mean.
I did think, though, that he would see his family as complete and feel
satisfaction in that and blessed in that. I was so wrong. He
has his priorities in the wrong order to sustain a family. His job
comes first. He comes second and maybe, the children third, then
me and God somewhere in the distance. I have tried to accept that
fact that he has told me since he started the affair that he does not love
me any more and does not want to commit to me, but I question him about
that since he claims it has nothing to do with the ow. He does not
make sense. If he loves this ow and does not want me for sure, why
still keep me hanging on? I had to ask him to leave two weeks after
I proved his affair (since he would not tell me the truth) because his
heart stayed hard and his physical presence was all that was here anyway.
His mind, spirit and heart left me and went to someone else. He has
for the last year pulled away from me and this family, he started the affair
when our youngest had just been weaned. I was looking forward to
an improved physical relationship with him and had told him that about
one month, I think, before he pursued another woman. He says she
is married with two kids but I think that is a lie, how could he call her
on weekends and see her so often as he has, and may still be seeing her?
There are many other things to add
to this story but I don't have time or space to do that, I will say
that I have been to counseling alone, have also gone with him and he is
noncommittal and noncommunicative about his part in things. I am
starting to dislike him, actually. He is mean to me, not physically
abusive but emotionally and verbally. He is out of the house now,
almost three months and our children are devastated by this. He does
not have to see how bad. He works the same hours he always has, despite
being told by his boss to take all the time he needs to get his life back
in order. I have been attempting to fix this marriage alone since
February of this year, while he has been lying and involved with someone
else and no light is at the end of this tunnel. I feel like an alien
somewhat but seeing this website has helped me to see I am not alone. I
am sick of men and mean no offense to those of you who are men, but I am
going to sit in the corner now and lick my wounds and build my family back
up.
God bless you all.
Strongenough
____________________
JB
I am so glad you have finally found peace with yourself as I've followed
through your trials. It has been 11 months for me and I'm getting better
with my Zoloft. I've tried to go off them but after 2 days do nothing but
cry still. Next week would have been my 33rd anniversary so this month
isn't easy. My divorce will be final in January 2002. This is a nightmare
I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My husband is acting like he is 25 again.
Maybe because we married at 16 and 20 he never sowed his oats..who knows?
I just know that too much has happened and I could never go back with him
now. That is so sad to me as we were very happy for so many years. I have
learned that life goes on and with time I will be happy again.
God Bless all those hurting hearts,
MCS
____________________
Hi,
My wonderful husband of sixteen years took me out to dinner, mad passionate
sex after, packed his bags and left for a hotel to figure out what he wants
to do with his life the next morning. I could not believe this nor
could our family or friends. We have the best sex life and our world
is fun with the kids all out of the nest. My husband has been so
good to me, no fighting or issues. I have been so blindsided with
this it took me three days to get out of bed. He is going to
a counselor, who says he is going through a mid life crises and needs
to solve issues that happened in his past. He is saying he loves
me but, does not want to work on the marriage until he gets his self worked
out. He says our marriage is perfect, it's not me, it's him.
I am seeing another counselor. He says he has never and is not cheating
on me but, is asking female friends to dinner. He says if I need
to get on with my life, and he looses me when he figures himself out he
knows he will regret it for the rest of his life. Help! Is
their a time frame I should keep? We have been the love of each others
lives. How do I treat him now ? Patience or Ignore him? He
wants to see me and talk to me but, not work on the marriage! I'm so axious
and confused please shed some light. How do men do this? Maureen
form B.H.,Ca.
____________________
My husband of 54 years of age got a new secretary last year after having the same one for 28 years, This girl played him and he fell for her. I think at i point he was going to leave me for her. She played him and me. She was a sexpot that couldn't do the work but my husband kept her there and admittedly played house with her. I fought and fought and finally got him to fire her. He then went into a fantasy world for the following year. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but I think he is still obsessed with her. Will this ever end. I also went to counselling and am involved in my own life except he wants to do everyting with me - he is so very very good to me that sometimes I think he is tricking me. Can this happen to a man without having an affair or can this be an infatuation gone into an obsession?
GB
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