"Devastated"

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Dear Mike, This is just to update you on my last letter. I am "questioning". I went to court on July 31st and was awarded spousal support and exclusive possession of the house until the final divorce decree. I really appreciate your site, it has really helped me through the last 2 months and I thank the person who responded to my letter with the lovely poem, which I cherish. I now know that I was not to blame for his dissatisfactions with his life in general and although he wanted to blame me for his problems and wanted me to believe it was all my fault, in reality it is all his problem. His dissatisfaction is within himself and he can not run away from himself, his problems will follow him where ever he goes in life until he learns how to deal with them and resolve them himself. This is the path that he has chosen for himself and I will not follow it for I don't choose it. May he always live with that knowledge in his heart after 26 years of marriage. I will walk away from this with many blessings, the first being the relationship and support I will always receive from our 24 year old son. He has no relationship or communication with his father and although that was not his choice, he prefers it that way now. Another blessing for me is that I have many good memories of the last 26 years, unlike my husband, but again, that is my choice to do so. I have many friends and a loving family 3,000 miles from here, back home, where I will be going as soon as the decree is signed. And best of all, I have a clear conscience, nothing to be ashamed of, I was a good wife and mother. And now I have finally learned to like myself, I am a good person, and I don't need or want him back in my life ever again. I am looking forward to my new journey through life with great anticipation and only a little fear now. I will continue to update you, mike. Thanks so much for just being there for all of us who try to make sense out of something that will never make any sense.

"Questioning"

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Dear "In Pain,"

This is indeed a difficult time for both of you. It sounds very much like your husband has some unresolved issues about fear of commitment that he still has to deal with. I say this because of his comment of not knowing whether he was ever intended to be true to one person. The other side of the coin, however, is that such a statement as he is making is not uncommon coming from someone who is attracted to someone else. Contrary to what you're saying in your letter, I think that it is not in your "couple" best interest for him to continue associating with this other person. "Emotional Affairs" often turn into "physical ones". How can he be fully committed to the counseling that you two are getting which, I assume, is intended to address problems that are between you two, when he is distracted thinking about the other person?

Have you expressed your anger to him yet? I mean in the safety of a counseling setting? You are right that the attraction may die out over time, but it won't happen while he still has "both" of you to boost his ego. He will never know what he is loosing with you, and I do mean financially also, by staying with you. Reality will not sink in till he has to make some sort of concrete decision. Isn't your counselor telling you something similar? Do you feel that the counseling is helping? If not, perhaps you two should go to separate ones.

You do not say how long you are married. Also, I forgot, how old is your husband? What profession are you in? By the way, you say that you have to move out, buy a new home, find another job, etc. Why? Why do YOU have to leave? Don't move out till you absolutely have to. Let HIM find another place. Stay in the house till it is sold, he will probably have to still cover the expenses (depending on how long you've been married). Did you speak with an attorney about your rights yet? If not, you should do so.

That's all I can think of for the moment. You should definitely continue seeing your counselor and perhaps join a women's group. How often do you meet with your counselor? Let me know how else I can help you. I wish you much luck and the strength to get through this thing. I know how hard it is, having been there myself.

Susanne.

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August 13, 1997

Susanne,

A few days ago I caught M. in another lie. He would not admit to spending the day with the other person but I found out he was. We had a HUGE discussion over this and I asked him to choose between me and her. He couldn't decide. but he does Know he wants to continue to see her (he feels if he doesn't find out what feelings are there that he will regret it for the rest of his life. Financially, I stand to gain everything in a divorce (which isn't much) but we are only renting our house and cannot afford to pay rent on this house plus another one. M. is 30 and we have been married 9 years, lived together 1 year before that, and dated 2 years before that. We certainly didn't rush into this even though we were young. what scares me is that he says he has never had feelings like this before, and that's why he feels he must find out what it means. But of course that doesn't make me feel any better. I have made an appointment to see another counselor on my own. we are also seeing one together. This has not come out in any of our sessions yet, so I don't know what he will say. I will keep you posted. You have no idea how much this helps.

In Pain

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Dear Questioning,

I felt really glad on reading that you cherish the poem that I sent to you. I read your update too. Felt happy for you got spousal support and exclusive possession of the house. Hope things will work out your way.

Good to hear that you would be joining your family. I am sure you would feel more secured with friends and family around. My advise for you is not to cut off from your friends. I did that sometime back myself thinking that I can handle any amount of hurt and pain by myself. There I was wrong. Now I realize how precious and valuable friends and friendship are.

I am also going through lot of hurt and pain at this time. Compared to you all the degree of pain I am going through is very less. I am really glad I found this page. I am seeing through my pain by feeling other people's pain. I have sent a question to this site but is not posted yet. May be my question was too long. I think I have to resend it.

"May there always be work for your hands to do, May your purse always hold a coin or two. May the sun always shine warm on your windowpane, May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain. May the hand of a friend always be near you, And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you."

Wherever you go keep us posted. God bless you and Good luck with whatever you do.

'til I find you again

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August 15, 1997

In Pain,

You are on the right track. I'm glad that you are seeing a counselor independent of the one that you two are seeing together. During your sessions with your counselor do you ask for concrete suggestions? If not, do so. If they don't want to help you and tell you that you have to work this through by yourself, shop for another counselor. Most of us use the "eclectic" approach, meaning that we apply whatever therapeutic approach is best suited for the client. As far as your husband is concerned, it sounds like he is still very immature. You now need to let him go through his "thing" and focus on yourself--How to find yourself and the independent girl you once were. Good luck.

Susanne

August 18, 1997

Dear Susanne,

I read your response today thank you for the same. When I was a high school kid my father had a paralytic stroke and was bed ridden. My mother was just a home maker. My father didn't recover from his paralysis. Unlike here High school education is not free. My brother supported me for my high school and to my college and met all my needs. My family is a big one. My brother has done lot of sacrifices for the family. He is the only person in my life who has never hurt me come what may. We were a family of 8 including my parents and he was the only earning member at that time. In my country we don't earn and parallely work unlike here. Education is considered as the foremost important thing in life and hence we get support from the family until we finish our school, college and get a job. (so called parental duty). I am really very new to the word harassment since we don't do that in my country. Don't you think he negatively labeled me by making premature judgement about me?

I have a 15 year son. I want to be a model for him. This is the only reason why I haven't called my office "brother". Had I not had the family today I would have called him long time back or at least wrote to him. I am not afraid what happens to me. Since I put my family first I am putting this off. My son will be kept out of all these. He is a kid and I want him to be a kid. He is my only son. It scares me off if I imagine he will go to college in next couple of years.

Susanne, You have suggested me to go for counseling. Since you have suggested I will go. I really don't know what good it is going to bring for me. The only person who can give me peace of mind is my office "brother". He has taken away my wings now I cannot fly. I would be able to fly probably away from him if he puts back my wings. I was up this morning at 3:00. I did a little bit of thinking. I felt my office "brother" could be upset since I called him as a brother. Since I didn't have family around (My brother) during my difficult times may be this man is a special person sent by god as a "substitute brother". Nobody in the entire universe can replace my "Beloved Brother". This office "brother" is just god sent to keep me going during my difficult times. I had written in my apology note to my office "brother" if for some reasons, he cannot reciprocate my feelings I had asked him to respect my feelings. He didn't do both. Susanne, Now I don't expect anything in return from him all that I want to do is talk to him for one last time. My mind won't be clear until then. Thanks for all your help and support. Can you reply me when you find time? Thank You

'til I find you again

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Suzanne, I began a letter yesterday to you and accidentally sent it unfinished. I am trying my hardest to get back on my feet. My spouse however seems like he still loves to devastate me at every convenient spot along the way. He says he's never been happier but has begun to drink after 19 years of sobriety. I have been to see an attorney and begun divorce proceedings because I can not accept the infidelity of the whole matter. He still says that I am fat (I've lost 10 pounds) (down to 135). I have begun attending Alanon which I realize will only help but will this pain ever go away? Devastated

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August 20, 1997

Dear devastated, I know this is a hard time for you, but you are definitely on the right track. Joining alanon is a good thing and I recommend that you additionally explore a women's group in general. You say that you are 135 lbs. Unless you are three feet tall, that is NOT fat!! I suspect that your husband has no other ammunition to hit you with and knows that you are vulnerable about your weight. Don't give him the satisfaction. the next time he hits you with that comment, you tell him that you also like him better when he had....hair.....no stomach, etc. You get the picture. I have a saying that I teach in my Assertiveness Training for Women Classes, and that is..."inappropriate behaviors does not deserve an 'appropriate' response", meaning that you do not behave like Miss Manners when someone is attacking you or putting you down. Just like you never scream back at a hysterical person. It is self-defeating. Know what I mean. Keep up the good work and good luck on your journey of finding your assertive self again. Susanne

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Dear In Pain, I can certainly understand when you say that it especially frightens you when your husband says that "he's never felt this way before and that is why he must find out what it means". At some level it can make you feel that you were inadequate and now he has found someone that is better. This is not true! Do not punish yourself for an irrational selfish statement like that. He is behaving like a 3 year old toddler who wants a new candy in the store. It has nothing to do with your not being "enough" for him. These are all excuses to justify his behavior. Do not tolerate it any more. I mean, how you interpret it in your own mind. Simply think back to when YOU two were going out and he told you how you were the best thing that has ever happened to him Maybe this was a long time ago, but if you think back, I'm sure that you will remember phrases like this being said to you. You must stand up for yourself and tell yourself that you deserve someone who appreciates YOU. Begin to focus on yourself. Do things for you! Go out with friends. But spend time finding the spirited girl that he was attracted to in the beginning. Is your counselor helping you with those issues? You are too young to be feeling so "old"...you have so much ahead of you....go after it!! Don't let this selfish guy hold you back. You'll be surprised how much you will become center of attention once your husband is no longer so sure of himself and where you stand with him. I wish you the best of luck. Susanne

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Dear TIFYA

I too am from a different culture (German) and had a difficult figuring out the nuances of what is acceptable and not. However, in order for you to succeed professionally and personally in this country you must adapt to the rules applicable here. It seems to me that you are "blending" the faces of the two "brothers". Your real brother who is your male role model and who you idolize and your "office brother". This is inappropriate and unhealthy, especially so since your "office brother" has made it clear that he does not want the kind of relationship that you are dreaming about. I understand your need for "closure", but you must understand that things don't always end with a neat solution. Sometimes, there is none, other than what is cannot go on. This may be the case here. Does your real brother know how unhappy you are? Maybe you should arrange for a visit with him. Is that possible?. You say that you want to be a good role model for your 15 year old son, how can you be when you are so occupied with finding and communicating with this man that you think of little else? This is why I recommended counseling to you in my initial response. I think it would be a big help to you in separating out issues and putting things into a better perspective. I wish I had a "magic pill" that would make all this easier for you, but alas, no such thing exists. I can only recommend to you that you get the support and backup that you need to help you find yourself again. Good luck. Susanne

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I have checked into this site everyday and know the pain so many of you feel. Even though I have worked through so much of my pain, the scars remain like a wound. But like scars they fade and we don't see them as much as we once did. To devastated, my ex left me for someone else, he also started drinking a lot more than before, I think for someone who was so happy and going on with his life, he was never really dealing with our problems or his. I went to a wonderful counselor and was able to see my fault in this relationship and close this part of my life. He in turn just went on. He bought a house with her and they lived together not married(this women had chased him for 9 years) But I heard last week she moved out and left him with the house. At first I felt happy everything I had predicted had come true, but then I did feel sorry for him. He doesn't do well by himself. I guess I have moved on further than I thought. I too was emotionally abused. It will take years to get past this, but you too will if you want to get better. I think we all have a basic need to survive and we do have that strength. As soon as we begin living our lives to please ourselves instead of them. Rediscover who YOU are, you will find this new person you will love. So hang in there, prove him wrong you are strong and you will survive a smarter and happier person.. Good luck.. I have a great article that helped me see things about myself, if you would like I could email it you. I have started school in a new city and it's scary, fun, hard and wonderful, but I will survive, I can do anything now. Best of Luck, maggie

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August 22, 1997

Dear Mike,

I read that you found your midlife salvation in some children's books. Of course I am finding mine by listening to Children Songs and Rhymes. These songs and rhymes sometimes has so much of innocence and puts me in a merry mood where I can try to forget about the problems. I read maggie has an article which helped her to see herself. Is there anyway that you can place this article on this page so that everyone can use it. (If maggie can send the article to you). This page is definitely helping to see through the pain by seeing others pain. Any suggestions to find myself?

TIFYA

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Dear Susanne,

Read your response. Though the rejection was painful I have accepted it. It was really painful because it was a silent one. I was dreaming about this now I am not. The purpose of my finding my "office brother" is different. He has misunderstood me out and out. If I am able to clear the things between us then it would be easier for me to move on with my life. I am not expecting anything in return from him. When I wanted to talk to my "office brother" he didn't want to listen to me and didn't give me a chance to talk. I felt this as really inhuman. We may be from different cultures but we are of same human nature. When I send questions to this page the people whom I don't know will response and will show compassion. Showing compassion is heroic. Showing compassion is just human nature irrespective of the color, sex, race and cultures.

I agree I have reached the end of the road where there is no outlet. This is the first time I have ever reached the end of the road. Even I don't have the window which I was looking for when all the doors closed at me. I am also thinking of getting my brother here next summer. I feel so secured with him. I have not told my brother about my unhappiness and I don't intend to. I love him a lot. If I tell him all this it is going to hurt him. I have told this to one of my friends. She is wonderful. I told her quite recently. She is giving me the support and backup that I need. Probably I may be able to find myself with the help of her. But still the pain is alive in me. All the problems do not have solution. I have submitted my problem to god. He has to show me the way. I will move on with his guidance. Your sentence "You say that you want to be a good role model for your 15 year old son, how can you be when you are so occupied with finding and communicating with this man that you think of little else? " hit me real hard and made a sudden change in me whereby I was able to accept the rejection. Now only the pain part remains. I hope I will get over this pain. If I am able to find myself may be the pain might start reducing. Any suggestions to find myself? Thank so much for the response.

'til I find you again

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TIFYA--Maggie's e-mail is maggie.b@usa.net

Mike

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Dear TIFYA, I read your latest response, I too, found so many innocent things that helped me. A friend sent me a small little book by Mary Englebright called "Don't Look Back" it was great. It made me feel happy and I felt a kind of direction from the very simple sayings and pictures. I think each of us can find happiness in something when we allow ourselves to open parts of ourselves that have been closed or hurt for so long. I still look at that book, and have since sent a copy to my friend, who sent it on ,who knows where it is now. I think counseling can be a great way to start our steps forward ,but ultimately we are the ones who must find our own strengths and weakness, I found for me that both have helped me to be a little more compassionate, realistic and I hope a better person to those around me. When my friends told me I would feel better during the very worst, I truly didn't see how....But I did, and you will too. Maggie

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August 25, 1997

Dear Maggie,

Thanks for suggesting such a wonderful and simple and meaningful book. I was able to get that book in the store. I had written you as how my concentration has reduced these days. But I didn't have any problem in concentrating and understanding this book. I felt so happy I was able to concentrate. I will Stick on to children books and songs where I can find innocence and that makes me feel happy. Thanks for your good words too.

TIFYA

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Hi Marcy, You and I are about one month apart in dealing with our husbands. Mine left in April. We still talk almost every day, he didn't take anything except one suitcase full of clothes. Sometimes he says he doesn't want anything to do with me and sometimes he wants to talk because he misses me. I'm trying to carry on without him, even though I really, really love him. Our therapist told him that he is throwing away something very special. He gets his hackles up and says that it is his mistake to make. Anyway, there doesn't seem to be a formula or a magical way to get your husband back. I do know that the more active my social life becomes, the more it seems to bother my husband. Take care of yourself, Marcy. Phone old friends and don't worry about pushing yourself on others. As long as you are half-up-beat, they will understand.

Perplexed

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August 30, 1997

Dear Mike,

Thank you for your reply. When I was lost in the dark alone a song which was found in one of my recorded cassettes helped me to find myself. Since this song was helpful for me I recommend this song to your Booknook rather to our Midlife fellow strugglers. The artist of the song is "Hayward Justin" and the Album is "Moving Mountains" and the title of the song is "Lost And Found".

'til I find you again

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To Mike, It's nice to see a place that people can go to help others. With encouragement and truly can say I know how you feel. I wonder how many men read this page ,but are afraid to respond, not so much afraid (sorry bad choice of words) But don't feel comfortable expressing their concerns . I know us women can be brutally open and honest sometimes.

When my husband left me I received some very useful looks into the reason men do some of the things they do and we just can't understand. But it helped me look at things that happened with a little more compassion and understanding. His sudden actions made a little more sense, in turn made me able to move on and stop being so hurt and angry. I don't know what do you think ?

Maggie

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"THE STRANGE DREAM WITH THE BEST KICK OF MY LIFETIME !!!!"

From today onwards I am no longer TIFYA. I found myself.

In Dec '96 my life was so much empty and dark. I was wandering in the dark. I thought I found a spark (My Christmas Brother). But that was not enough to light my life instead it further darkened my life. My christmas brother kicked me from the front and I ended up in the tunnel where I had started from. Then comes my husband I took him into the tunnel I thought he would push me out of the tunnel instead he walked beside me feeling depressed when I was depressed. My Best Friend came into the tunnel finding for her lost friend. Nobody told her I was in the tunnel but she was able to feel. First she walked beside me comforting me feeling my pain both of us cried together. I took her for a tour in my heart. Then she came in front of me to lead me out of the tunnel to see the dawn but I wouldn't listen.!!. I didn't follow her.

Yesterday I spent a night with her. She was really upset. First time in my lifetime I saw her so much upset. She Came at the back of me and gave me "THE KICK OF MY LIFETIME !!!!" that made me cry whole night. She didn't comfort me didn't hold me but let me cry as much as I could. After all the crying was over she gave me a hug and told me I want to see a new you when you get up in the morning. It was almost 3:30 in the morning I went to sleep until then couldn't sleep. I had a strange dream. In my dream I called My Best Friend and told her that I cannot open my eyes and I cannot see anything. She in the dream told me " you are pretending if you try hard you can see but you don't want to see " and was out of my dream. Then I called her husband and told him that I cannot open my eyes and I cannot see anything it is so dark in here . He held me for a while didn't say much and was out of my dream. Here I am struggling so hard to open my eyes and to see but cannot open or see. I tried so hard finally I was able to open my eyes and was able to see the new dawn. She gave me the KICK OF MY LIFETIME !!!! I was out of the tunnel and was able to see the sunshine. She is my "Guardian Angel"!!. Today her words are so much built me that I never try to find or communicate with my "My Christmas Brother". But I am going to treasure and cherish the good and sincere feeling I have for him. But the saddest part of all this is that I placed "My Christmas Brother" so high but he placed me so low. I am sure there are people out there who will place me high when I place them high!!!.

Lakshmi

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I bought a bouquet of flowers to my best friend and gave her yesterday. She asked me "What are these flowers for it's not my birthday.!". I told her It's not your birthday but, "It's my birthday". On the occasion of my birthday I have this bouquet of flowers for you. Everyone my friend, her husband and my husband including the children started singing birthday song for me. I was so much embarrassed and felt shy. The table was set ready for dinner in spite of it they all took me out for dinner yesterday "On the occasion of celebrating my birthday !!". I enjoyed every bit of it and the occasion was cherished. Is this some kind of simple pleasure.? I had two birthdays this year already. This time I had a birthday gift of finding myself. I realized what I have been missing all these eight months. Realistically this occasion was needed since I was reborn from TIFYA as Lakshmi.

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September 5, 1997

Maggie,

I have tried e-mailing you because you said you had an article that was very useful. I have never heard anything from you.

Devastated

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I have been happily involved with and living with a man for 10 years. I love him and he loves me back. However, something is missing in my life. It cannot be denied that sex in a stable relationship can be fulfilling. For me, it is. But it is not enough. Extramarital sex adds a different dimension to your life. Recently, I have embarked upon my first such affair. It is not easy, at times demanding. Neither of us wish to give up our stable relationships, so we have no tensions there. I don't regret this affair. I am experiencing such emotional release and passion that I feel alive. A long term relationship cannot deliver the same heightened pleasure. Of course we need to be careful. But what is wrong with two people who have so much love to give, getting together? Better than feelings of guilt, or frustration leading to an emotional disorder, or worse. We are all individuals, don't assume that we all make the same mistakes. I refuse to take on the guilt and values of other people, and would like to know if anyone else feels the same.

Anonymous

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To Alice:

I have been away for several weeks and haven't had the chance to see the column. I got your message asking me to tell you my situation so I thought I'd give it a shot today. I feel like an old timer as midlife wives go. My husband has been at it for a long time and has been quite a severe case. The first time I can remember him acting "weird" was right after Bill Clinton was elected - the first term. That would have been 1992. He got livid that his candidate lost and ranted and raved about it for weeks to whoever would listen. Previously, he had kept up with politics but never been really vocal or involved. He obsessed over that election. From there things went on a very, very slow decline.

He went on a trip with a church group without me. I was happy that he went, not realizing till later that he didn't want me to go. He became quiet, then unresponsive, later irritable, and finally raging. Anything I said made him almost violently angry (although he never physically touched me) and he "couldn't believe the terrible things I said to him and the way I acted toward him." He said I hurt him deeply. I never knew what he was talking about because the things I said were not mean or spiteful. I simply questioned him, trying to find out what was wrong. He twisted everything I said or did. I thought for a while, and he encouraged this thinking, that I was losing my mind. He kept telling me I was menopausal - I had just turned 40 and not near menopause. Everything was my fault and I imagined that there were problems when there weren't. One night he threw the phone at me when our son called and I asked my husband to give him a message. He blew up, screamed at me that I "should tell our son myself because I had all the answers, I was so much smarter than he was and I knew everything." He "couldn't do anything right." I was stunned.

The next day my husband didn't come home from work. I didn't hear from him for over a month and then only because I went to where he works. Our children went to see him and he was very embarrassed but refused to come home. He told them what a terrible person I was - one of the things that he shared with them was the fact that I didn't like the same movies he did. When I picked out a movie, he hated it, and he couldn't live like that anymore. Our kids thought he was crazy. He would sit them down and march back and forth in front of them like a drill sergeant, repeating ridiculous tirades over and over. At times he didn't even make sense. He was quite angry for a year and a half. Previous to this time, he had been a life of the party kind of guy, always smiling, happy and everyone's friend. Now he was gloomy, grouchy, and isolated himself.

He was a Christian, Sunday School teacher, very involved in church, and he stopped going altogether. He had been a teetotaler and now he began drinking for the first time in 20 years. He had several accidents that I believe were caused because he could not concentrate. He seemed not to always hear people talking to him because he was in his own little world. Several months ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The day after my surgery he came to the hospital and said that he wanted to come home if I would have him. I didn't really feel like talking and was getting ready to go home. I left with my son and he followed us home. He has been there ever since.

Once I exploded and told him to get out and he refused. IRONY! Since he's been home, I have undergone chemo and radiation all on my own. He is still angry at times although it is a quieter anger and has increasingly declined since he's been home. During my treatments, he pretended that there was nothing wrong with me and did not enter into any discussion of it. My children and my friends and family have been a wonderful support, but I have had to let my husband go completely and expect nothing from him. It is very difficult. There was a time when I was sick in bed for 3 days and he never spoke a word to me, let alone ask if I needed anything. During that time he also was in a deep depression. He sat and stared or slept most of the time. If I mentioned it, he saw it as a criticism rather than concern, and he'd refer to it over and over as something terrible that I had said to him. In comparison, my cancer, if it was brought up, was something I'd get over and no sympathy was ever given to me. Once I asked him to take me to the doctor and he asked why I couldn't drive myself. He did drive me but sat pouting in the car the whole time I was inside.

At this point (29 months since he left home) his depression has lifted, but he is still somewhat withdrawn. He can "act" like himself when strangers or casual acquaintances are around. But when it's just our family, he shuts down and isolates himself much of the time. He told me once that he has no feelings, no emotions. Last weekend my son got married and the wedding was outside at our home. We had about 250 guests and it called for a lot of work. My husband worked very hard on it and seemed to enjoy it. (Note: He has always been a workaholic - very common for men in midlife crisis - and hides in work.) He broke down and cried twice which I thought was great. I could count the times I've seen him cry on one hand. Until recently I wasn't sure he would ever feel any emotion again. Feelings are starting to come back. As for physical affection, there is none. For almost 3 years, my husband has wanted no part of sex or touching from me. This is very strange, as our marriage has always been very good in that area. In fact, my husband used to tell me that he never knew anyone who had a marriage as good as ours. We were best friends. Now we very seldom talk to each other. Sometimes he will go for days without speaking.

I have not given up on him. In fact, I have faith that one day he will be himself again. However, most of the time, I do not try to engage him in any kind of relationship. I am tired. I have been through too much and it is now up to him. If he wants to make a marriage, then he will have to make the first step. Maybe in time I will have the energy to feel differently. I am a Christian and I am certain that is the only reason why I am still around. My crutch throughout this ordeal has been God, the Bible and Christian friends, one of the ministers at my church who has counseled me, and my children. All three of them have grown tremendously through this experience as I have. I would never want to go through any of it again, but I can honestly say that I would not change the past if given the chance.

I am a better person today because of it and I like myself much more. I am less self-centered, I have more compassion toward others with problems. My husband did not have an affair or show any interest in other women. His affair was with work. For months he spent 18 hours, 7 days a week, working. God's Word is clear on the subject of divorce. He gives us only one "out" and that is infidelity, and I am convinced that even in the case of adultery, God's first choice is for us to forgive and to try and save the marriage. I don't know if I could do it and I don't blame anyone who gets out when there husband cheats. I am just saying that it takes strength to stay and forgive. It is strength that allows women to hang on, but it feels like weakness.

I discussed this recently with my son who is a young minister and he said something to me that helped me tremendously. I told him I feel like such a doormat and so humiliated because I have chosen not to fight back. He said, "Mom, I understand how it feels, but remember that feelings will fool you. Think with your head, not your heart. You are the victim here and you have chosen to take the high road. God will bless your obedience". That comment meant the world to me and maybe it will help you or someone else who reads this. I guess the most important thing I would say is that if your marriage is important to you, keep trying. I believe that most men will realize the error of their ways and want their life back, eventually. But it is not easy and it could be years before it happens. In the meantime, the best thing a woman can do it work on her life, leave him out of it unless he inserts himself, and lean on the Lord. Pray daily and read the Bible and other helpful books. It truly lowers your stress and gives you peace. I have several books that I could recommend which are very helpful and I have a list of scriptures that I read every day which gave me great release. I would be glad to share any of these if anyone is interested. My email address is pmccammon@oldhometown.org. and I would be glad to write to Alice or anyone and hopefully encourage you.

______________________

Dear Maggie,

I read your question to Mike. I also feel the same way as you do. When I answer some of the questions of men on this page I never get the reply back. I do get responses from women if I answer their questions. Not only men do not feel comfortable in expressing their concerns to others (except Mike here) but also their own feelings and emotions. Have you ever seen a man come out on this page for the second time? First they come out with the question but once replied they never come back. They hesitate or not comfortable in giving their updates also. Don't ask me why I don't know why.

I don't think you became more compassionate and understanding after your husband moved out. I feel you didn't have a chance to show compassion to others when you were with your husband. Basically I feel you are a compassionate and understanding person by yourself. Since you didn't have a chance you didn't realize that. Now you are realizing it since you have so many opportunities to express compassion and concerns. Your husband moving out didn't change your basic qualities. You had them but you were not able to see them now you are able to see them. I feel you are such a great gift to the people who are dealing with pain and disappointments on this page. Sometimes Maggie we reach a stage where we have to fix our own life. If we don't who will.? You reached a stage where other than you nobody else would have fixed your life. You gathered that courage, the me strength and dealt with the pain. The whole credit of fixing your life and showing concerns to others goes to you and to nobody else. But we should be ever grateful to the people who felt our pain and showed compassion and stood by us when it was needed.

Why my Christmas brother behaved the way he did still I don't know. He neither spoke his mind to me nor let me speak my mind to him. Sometimes I feel is he rude? Is he inhuman? Is he not compassionate? I never get an answer for all the questions I think about him since I don't want to prematurely judge him. All the while my heart felt he is a good person hence I have those good feelings. Hence don't ask me why the men behave the way they do I don't know why.

I am still not able to read and answer your questions yet since the only PC I have is broke. Unless the PC is fixed I may not be able to convert your mail to text form and will not be able to read. As soon as I read and answer them I let you know how I felt.

TIFYA as Lakshmi

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Dear CD,

I read the response of Mike for your question. I also feel the same way as Mike does. You should find ways to let go of the fantasy. Getting emotionally attached is easier than getting detached. Does any of your friends know about your affair with your mistress? I strongly feel that you have to talk to one of your best friends who can really understand your feelings. I really understand its very difficult for you to talk about these things with your friends. Sometimes you may feel you may loose the friendship. But most of the time it is not so.

I feel you need some one shoulders to cry on. I am sure you haven't got that so far. I am positive those shoulders are one of your friends. Don't find an email friend. You need one who gives a shoulder to cry.

I am writing this out of my experience. I also never told about my emotions to anybody. I was depressed for 8 months didn't have anybody to dry my tears. One of my friends came as an Angel to my life and dried my tears and gave her shoulders to cry. If I had not had that shoulders probably I would be still in depression today. Please find those shoulders as soon as you can. You can tell and you will tell one of your true friends. You trust me you will be alright after that.

No doubt counselor may suggest some strategies. But it is also equally important to cry as much as you could until all your emotions are out. So that no emotions would be left behind to go back. I did the same thing. Though the pain of rejection is still in me I can definitely make a living without my Christmas Brother and I am sure you will be able to make a living without your mistress one day (without thinking of her).

TIFYA as Lakshmi

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September 6, 1997

Alice

It has been only a few weeks since he has left and I have had some very tough weeks. I can't believe a marriage that I perceived as good to have suddenly become something he wants out of. He insists he loves the other woman and has basically cut himself off from his family, children, friends, etc. While I am desperately trying to hold on, I am losing the battle. I feel so isolated although I have a ton of supportive friends and a wonderful church family. But I still feel as if this is the only forum where people really understand. My mind plays on me and I just want the pain the go away. Is your love for your husband the same today as it was a year ago? How long has it been for you? I guess I just need a friend to identity with and so far, our stories are very similar. Write back...I am searching for encouragement in a living hell.

Kay

September 8, 1997

Dear Suzanne, I sat and talk with my husband today. He said he has had and empty feeling ever since he left the home and realizes that he made a huge mistake now. The papers have been served and in our state he has 20 days in which his attorney contacts my attorney. He told me over and over again that I really looked nice and he's terribly sorry for all that he put me through. I suggested that I would be willing to do a 6 month separation in which we would see a marriage counselor and see if the marriage is worth saving. He wants to move back into the home and live in the upstairs which has a full bathroom while this is happening because he cannot afford to rent an apartment. Our daughter doesn't want me to let him back into my life because she fears that he will only hurt me more. She may be right but I feel as though I haven't exhausted every avenue unless I try marriage counseling. Twenty-two years of marriage is a long time and I still have feelings for my husband. I'm pretty sure that my closest friend will try to talk me out of this. I haven't said yes or no to it. He has agreed to go back to AA and to go to a marriage counselor. What do you think I should do?

Devastated

September 12, 1997

Dear Kay,

I read your question and your on going conversation with alice. I felt like writing few lines. I really understand and feel your pain. Time only has to heal your pain. I will always keep you in my prayers.

Kay, holding on too tightly to things already lost will not bring them back. Rather, it only will blind you to new gifts and unnoticed pleasures. Don't look back. Try to move forward. Identify yourself. You will discover lot of things you are unaware of about yourself. Are you working now? or do you need to find a job? Go out and reach for some more new friends. Don't ever try to cut off from your friends. I have learned my lesson by doing so. Since you are going through lot of hurt and pain you need somebody to lean on and someone's shoulders to cry. I wish you will gather the strength to move on.

I don't ever believe that 18 years of love will fade away so soon. Your husband is going to come back to you sometime in the future but by then it may be too late for him since you will have moved on. Write to me whenever you feel like either on this page or off the page. I wish I can be some help to you in easing your pain. Here is a little blessing for you.

"As you slide down the banister of life, May the splinters never point the wrong way."

I wish you good luck in whatever you do hereafter and god bless you all the time hereafter. I always felt this page is a blessing for all of us.

TIFYA as Lakshmi

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Dear Devastated,

I read your question to Suzanne. I would like to send you an online Advice. Here it is.

"Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. "

Devastated, at this point it is very important how you feel inside and not how others feel. You had written that you have still feelings for him. If you feel that your marriage is worth saving say "Yes" to your husband.

Its very difficult for a man to swallow his pride and ego (even though he has done a mistake) and stand up and say "It's my mistake" (since most of the time woman would be blamed for all their mistakes). Today your husband is saying it's his mistake and I am sure it will have taken a lot from him to say that. Now the question is for you are you able to bend a little bit and swallow your self esteem and say "Yes"?. This question you have to answer on your own. Before you answer the question think about your 21 years of marriage (excluding this 22nd year) how was it and is it worth saving and also how you felt all those 21 years. Is your marriage worth throwing or recycling (saving)? This you have to decide based on how you feel. I kind of fairly know what your decision would be and I let you know what is that after you decide on your own.

I read your question also. He has said things to you. Devastated, when we are angry and frustrated we say things which we don't mean most of the times. It looks to me as if this is the case here. What do you have to say for this? If he had felt that you are ugly he wouldn't have married you first of all and stayed with you for 21 years. If you make a decision of getting back together next time if he says that again tell him this

"BEAUTY LIES INSIDE NOT OUTSIDE AND WILL NOT LAST FOREVER BUT THE CHARACTER AND QUALITY OF A PERSON SURE DOES".

(I am not being philosophical here and asking people to go for the most ugliest thing in the world thinking that beauty is inside but always we can make a compromise between BEAUTY and CHARACTER.!!!!)

I wish you good luck in making your decision hope you make the right one and don't regret later.

TIFYA as Lakshmi

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September 15, 1997

It's Kay ...and yes my pain is very recent. My husband moved out in August and the other woman's husband has moved out of their home so I am imaging the worst....they are probably together. We don't really have any contact and I am still stunned over what's happened. I have read and re-read Dr Dobson's book and I too and willing to wait for now. But with each passing day, the hurt is a little better and I don't know how long to "wait". God providing for my needs and I am trusting in His guidance daily. My teenagers are trying to live normal lives but they can't hide their feeling 100% of the time. I lie awake at night wondering how my life got to this and I also realize there is nothing I can do. Thanks for the advice and listening ear.

Kay

______________________

Hello,

This is for Susanne. I wrote and you responded on the Q & A page on July 4. You said you'd like more info about my husband. He will be 50 in December. He has always been super active - very athletic, spent much time with out three boys (all married now) playing sports, etc. A great father, he was at times almost physically competitive with our sons but in a positive way.

Yes, his parents are still alive. They had a marriage that was not the greatest. His mother is very domineering; his father super passive. They are in their 80's now and his mother was recently put into a nursing home. Both of them are unhappy being apart even though they never got along and constantly bickered. At least his mother did, his father just sat and basically ignored everything she said.

His brother-in-law, quite a bit older, passed away right before all this started. He had been a father figure to my husband and his death made quite an impact, so much that I was surprised. My husband had not been close to him for years since we live 1000 miles from him.

He also missed out on a promotion at work that he had been groomed for and was "assured" of. Because of politics, someone less qualified got the job.

We both have always been very busy, with very separate interests, but also enjoyed some of the same things together. We had a wonderful marriage and three sons who excelled. He was very proud of them. I have had a lot of strokes due to the fact that I do things that put me in the limelight. I play the piano in my church and I am the director of a amateur touring company which performs dramatic presentations. I get a lot of compliments. Sometimes I felt like my husband may have felt that he was not as good as I was at certain things. This is definitely not the case. He is very talented in many areas, but in a quieter way.

Things seemed to be getting better at a snail's pace. However, recently, our third son was married at our home and my husband seemed to really enjoy doing all the things to get ready for an outdoor wedding. He was more himself than he's been. Once it was over he went into a slump and now he is on the warpath against my son and his new wife. They can't do anything right. He has been very rude to them and criticizes everything they do. He is also badmouthing another daughter-in-law. None of them have done anything wrong. He even accused our son of stealing some things from him. He's acting so crazy. I thought we'd already been through this stage and it seems like he has regressed.

You said he needs counseling. Well, no kidding! However, when I mention it he goes into orbit, yelling and screaming that he will not ever go to a counselor, so just forget it. This is a man who seldom ever raised his voice in 25 years of marriage. He started getting vaguely strange in 1992, but I didn't realize what was going on until he became volatile around Christmas of 1994. He left home in April 1995 and returned February of this year. Now he refuses to leave. (I exploded a couple of times and told him to get out.) Can you give me any clue how much longer he might be this way. Is there anything I can do to help him? Should I basically ignore him or should I try to do what I can for him and show kindness?

I have found evidence that he is searching. A pamphlet or two from a Biblical counseling program on tv. Occasionally when he thinks no one is around, he has been found watching sermons on Christian tv. I know he's trying to find an answer. I also know that he knows (on some level) what is happening and that it's him, not everyone else.

As far as your advice to me to go alone to a counselor, I've been there. Both counselors I saw didn't have a lot of knowledge about midlife crisis - one even said there was no such thing. Both advised me to get a divorce. I have chosen to stick it out. I do counsel with one of the ministers at my church and he has been very helpful. You seem to be more in touch with this "illness" than anyone else. Can you comment?

Also, if there are any men out there who have been through this and survived, please write and describe the time when you began to come out of it. I would like to know what to look for and what to expect. I'm sure it's not a split second kind of thing. What is the length of time that you spent in this state? I'd appreciate hearing from you. Thanks. Write to the Q & A column or email me at pmccammon@oldhometown.org. Thanks.

Paula

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Septmeber 19, 1997

Dear Dave,

Do not resent growing old. Many are denied the privilege.

I was also thinking 40 is an awful number now I have realized that 40 is a fantastic number. When I turned 40 I was thinking I am too old. When I started my first swimming lesson last saturday I realized I am not too old after all.

Dave, there are so many things for you to do in this world which you will not have got an opportunity in the first half of your life. In the later half of your life you can look for those opportunities and can be successful by achieving those.

Good Luck

TIFYA as Lakshmi

______________________

Dear Kay,

I can really feel your pain and can imagine how it would be lying awake in the night without getting the sleep. I did have several of those myself last Dec. Since your pain is recent it would take a while to get Back to your normal sleeping pattern. At this time my advice for you is to keep yourself very busy with the kids and spend most of your time with your friends and family. That way you will have less time to think about the bad moments of your life. Does your family live close by? Have you ever thought of going back to school? It need not have to be one way. I did some voluntary work and now I'm thinking of going back to school. Kay, my sincere advice for you is to keep yourself busy.

kay, I had a job offer in L.A last November I didn't go. Now I think had I accepted the offer I wouldn't be in this pain today since everything happened in Dec. Why I'm mentioning this is things were meant to happen and it happened. There are some things which we cannot prevent from happening and we would not be in a position to do anything about it when it happens. It is the same with your case. Now all that we can do is wish that your husband will come back to his senses before it is too late.

Here is a little blessings for you.

May peace and plenty be the first To lift the latch on your door, And happiness be guided to your home By the candle of Christmas.

Kay, I pray god that this blessing will become true in your life.

TIFYA as Lakshmi

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Dear Devastated,

I'm sorry it took me so long to answer you, but I've been lost in cyber-space. Sorry. In answer to your questions as to whether you should give your husband another chance, I say yes. As you said, 22 years is a long time to give up without a fight. Your daughter obviously is trying to protect you, and herself, from future pain. As much as we should get input from our children, and support when necessary, a decision such as this is between YOU and her father. A you can see from my answers that I've give to other people on this web, I am a strong proponent for counseling and although I don't believe that it solves everything, it surely does help a lot. You and your husband do need to talk about the pain that has been caused to the family by his actions, and he must accept responsibility for it. You also must learn, via therapy, how it came to happen that the two of you drifted so far apart. Although it is no excuse for his behavior, perhaps you were occupied with the house, child, etc, to the point that you did "overlook" him. In all of my research on the subject the fact comes out that men and women develop differently emotionally. That is, at the stage of life that women need nurturing, (usually early in the marriage, men are basically in the mode of earning a living, establishing themselves in a career, etc. Then, when the kids become grown, the woman feels the stirrings of wanting to be more fulfilled, sometimes going to school, work, or just finding things that are happy to please her----independently from her husband. Ironically, that is the exact time that men develop the need to "nurture" and want closeness. I refer to this period as a "cross-over" period. It seems that you are passing each other by, resulting in situations such as yours. Anyway, after all this long drawn out answer to you, I want to reiterate my original position of BOTH of you going to a counselor. Actually, I would recommend family counseling because your daughter too needs to feel that she has to be heard. Shop around for a counselor, don't just stay with the first one. Find one that you feel sympathetic with, and can build a rapport with. It is important that you feel comfortable. Okay? I hope that this helps you some. Feel free to write again if you need more advice. You can e-mail me directly if you want to, since I keep getting lost in Mike's site. Take care.

susanne

______________________

Dear Paula, First let me apologize for the two incompetents (counselors) that you went to. For anyone to say that such a things as midlife crisis does not exist, is absolutely unacceptable and professionally incompetent! Believe me, there are some good counselors out there who are very familiar with the subject. Midlife is not an illness per se, rather a developmental crisis. It is a time of our life when we questions past decisions, and recognize that we will never accomplish all of the things we once thought and learn to let some of our dreams go. Your husband definitely sounds like he's seeking some answers. I am not surprised that he is reluctant to go to a counselor as often in our culture, it is viewed as a "weakness" to seek professional help in dealing with problems. It sounds like he is a very angry man (mainly at himself) and does not really know WHO to be angry at...so he picks everyone!! I suggest that you continue to be supportive, HOWEVER, when he acts irrationally and screams and hollers don't play into it. Tell him that he's being irrational and that YOU do not deserve this type of behavior. That YOU deserve the same respect that you show him. Also, that you are a person who loves him and does not deserve to be the "whipping boy" for his unhappiness. Let him know that there are boundaries of behavior that you will not cross, such as abusive behaviors. Tell him that you would rather be alone that be abused by someone who you loved. Same goes for the kids. To me it sounds like he's totally lost his identity and he's running scared. Unfortunately, all the reading in the world is not going to help him deal with the disappointments that he's trying to come to grips with and the anger that he's feeling in general. Don't insist that he go to counseling, but suggest it as a way to help YOU deal with it better. He may be more willing to see someone if he thinks he's helping you. Unfortunately in these situations there is no easy answer. BOTH parties must want to make things work out. Hopefully that will be the case with you two. I wish you well.

susanne

PS. Why don't you have him read some of the letters in this web-site? He may see himself in it. It's worth a try.

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September 22, 1997

TIFYA as Lakshmi-Thank you for your response. After reading your response, I'm just going to take things as they come. I haven't have the right opportunity to speak with him on a one on one basis. I do think your right though, there is a good possibility that I am in love with him. (Is that why I can't seem to let go?)

To answer your questions- I am single. No children. If I may ask you a question, what was your situation that left you disappointed? I will keep my realizations high and expectations low. cab.

September 27, 1997

My situation has been going on for two months now and he has been out of the house for about 5 weeks. He is still trying for contact with the kids, (15 and 17) but they aren't ready to face him yet. We have very little conversation...and when we do I try and stick to the business at hand and move on. He is interjecting the other woman when he can almost like he enjoys mentioning her name. I am beginning to doubt if he really is in a midlife crisis and really does love and cherish this other woman. Her husband has moved out and she is pushing for divorce. In our state, we have to be separated a year before the divorce so I have 10 months left to go. I just see no hope...he won't go to counseling although the kids and I are. I know he made this choice but why do I feel all the pain and hurt? He's out doing what he wants and devastating two kids at the same time.

My faith in God is strong and I know this will eventually be over one way or the other. My husband has talked about unfilled dreams or anything like that...so I am doubting whether is a midlife or not. He's 38, soon to be 39...

I have read Dr Dobson's book and ordered the books from the Conways but they won't be ship out till mid October. Has your husband left the state now? How do we hang on? How long has your crisis been going on? I want so many things answered but he want talk about it.

kay

______________________

Dear Paula,

Do you know why I chose you to respond? I saw couple of sentences written to Alice that your husband could not concentrate and he seemed not to always hear people talking to him. There was a time when I felt the same way. This is because of some failures in his life and also I feel that he has been repeatedly hurt by something or someone where there was no chance for the healing. Now the wound is so deep that he is in depression. (He has taken the failures, the broken dreams too deep into heart)

I really not only feel your pain but also I can feel your husband's pain. You have also gone through a lot and those times you wanted your husband beside you which you didn't have. That's really hurtful for you. I very much feel and positive that if your husband were not to be in this situation of depression definitely he would have stood beside you during your surgery and so on and so forth. Now I very much feel that neither you should ignore him nor you should leave it to himself to come out of the depression. You had the best of him now you have to have the worst of him too. Put yourself in his shoes and see the things. Supposing you were in his position and everybody walks out on you how would you feel about that?. It's very difficult for a human being to be more patient than what you already are. But when I read your letter I feel that you are little more than a human being also with regards to your qualities. If you do not help him lift out of the depression nobody ever will. I have two suggestions for you.

One of the suggestions is as already suggested by susanne that if you can some how make him to see this page. I am positive this is going to help him.

The other suggestion is you have to try to make him feel positive about himself. Right now he is feeling so much negative about him and that's where all his anger is coming from. I feel he is thinking that nobody is ever be able to see and recognize his positive side. Now you should prove him wrong. Try to make him feel positive about himself. For now don't ever ask him a question as "What's wrong with you?". Don't give him a chance to think that something is wrong with him even though there is. Try to converse with him in such a way that it reminds him about the positive things he did for the family prior to this. Open the positive side of him and show it to him. If you don't do this he will never be able to see the positive side of him again. Whatever positive way you may do but still he would be twisting going back to his negative side but don't loose your patience one fine day he will definitely think that there is someone who can see his positive side and that very day he will be out of his depression. Paula, However, the pay-off is worth every single moment you spend on being a caring partner. I really know you have to modify yourself to do this. When your husband is depressed you have to make him know that he is not alone and he is loved and cherished and you're there to encourage, applaud and cheer him on. one-deed-a-day will multiply. Nurture him in this crises caused by forces beyond his control. I want you to know the following.

Understanding each other is another very important factor. Marital love, at times, requires you to put yourself in your partner's shoes and understand that the differences that divide you are the differences of two unique personalities - not the betrayal of your hopes and dreams.

I read your husband lost a promotion and lost his father figure. Both of them are really a great loss for him. This is really so much hurtful for him. You have also written that he is more talented in many areas in a quieter way. Did you ever tell him that? Bring out and open those talents in him again. You have asked how long this is going to take? This depends how patient you would be without exploding. I very well know this will be very very difficult for you but the pay-off is definitely worth. Until the situation is improved keep doing the things that he likes it doesn't matter if you have to sacrifice your own likings. One great quality your husband has he never cheated on you that very well shows that he still loves you a lot. He may not be able to show that today but will treat you as his angel once he is out of this situation. If you have further questions on this please feel free to write to me. My aim is here to see that you are out of this situation as soon as possible.

Good Luck

TIFYA as Lakshmi

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Dear cab,

Thank you for responding to my answer. You are making me open up all my feelings again.(It is so much painful but I don't mind may be it would help you somewhat in dealing your feelings.)

I met this man during my difficult and painful times. He had a smile that used to heal my pain. Cab, he is really god sent. I thought I read his smile. Did I read it wrong? I don't know. Unfortunately my office were to move to a different location. There were only few days left. Neither I was able to communicate with him nor I was able to control my feelings. It was so much hurting me to get separated from him. Last few days I waited for him in the office lot to have some final glimpse of him and I was nervous to talk with him. Was this wrong? I don't know. My office finally moved and we were separated. I always had a feeling that he liked me. Did I feel it wrong I don't know.

I called him from my new office but again I was nervous to leave message. Everyday I used to have a call on my old machine without a message. I assumed it was him. Did I assume wrong I don't know. I didn't want the sun to go down on unresolved feelings. Right or wrong I called him and finally left a message saying that I needed to speak with him. Finally we were able to converse he told me that he was having some lunch plans that particular day and he will think about this and also told me that as far as he is concerned we haven't done anything wrong. After that he didn't call me. Of course I didn't wait for long. Next day I decided to meet him in the office. This was Christmas time I got him a gift and engraved as "To My Brother ----". I gave him the gift and wrote a little note saying that for some reasons if he cannot reciprocate my feelings I had asked him to respect my feelings. Again I was not able to communicate verbally with him. I told him that I would be calling him. I left message on his machine. I waited for his call. He didn't call me. He never spoke his mind to me and didn't give me a chance to speak my mind to him. I didn't want to end this way if it is an end I wanted that to be proper. After a month I called him to see how he felt. He got so upset and said things to me which hurt me so much and I became speechless and he hung up the phone. I don't know why he was upset.

1. Did I rush? - yes. (If I were to be in the same office I would have waited for the right moment to speak with him but I was unlucky) 2. Did he look at me just as a friend - I don't know. 3. How did he feel about me? - I don't know. 4. He was almost ready to meet me when I called him first time. But when I called him second time he was upset. Did he not like my meeting him near his office? Did anything happened in the office after I left? Did anybody said anything that embarrassed him in the office? Why he is so much humiliating me by shutting me off? Why did he accuse me? Is he afraid of the people in the office? Does he have my gift still? Did he like my gift? There are hundreds of questions in front of me for all the questions "I don't know" is the answer since we didn't exchange our minds. I will never be able to unload my heart to him. (I always felt like sharing my personal things with him I don't' know why I felt that way) I have written several letters to him which I never mailed since I don't want to further upset him. Sometimes I look at those letters and tears roll down. If I have a chance I am prepared to do anything to fix this. But the truth is I am not going to get one more chance. I don't know what he went through after I left the office. I also feel sorry for him. I wish the people around him are not making his life miserable.(Always people will look things with wrong eyes and don't let us live.)

Everything went wrong and left me disappointed that's all I know. Cab, you get only one chance, do it right for the first time. Try to verbally communicate however hard it is. It's very difficult to say the three worded phrase "I love you" but say it at the right minute. I have a feeling inside me that it is going to work out for you. I felt glad in knowing that you are waiting for that right minute. But don't let that minute pass you by. Can you write to me as how you felt about my tragic end? Also keep giving updates with regards to yours. Would you mind writing me little more about you both? Do you have any clue about how he feels about you?

I wish you all the best. But again don't forget to do this with high realization and low expectation. Don't wait for too long also since a silent emotional bond is going to develop between the two of you. Without your realization you will have attached to him too much and then it becomes very difficult for you to get detached from the bond if "NO" is the answer from the other side. However do wait for the right minute and don't rush. Also Cab, if you fail to verbally communicate then you will never come to know how he feels about you. I wish you will get all the answers for all the questions you have for him unlike me where "I don't know" is the answer for all my questions.

TIFYA as Lakshmi

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Dear Mike,

I really understand how much it is hurtful and painful for the readers of this site to come out with questions here since I was one of those myself. But Mike, I want them to know that the answers that are found and printed here are to serve to raise a whole set of new questions there by we can have an on ongoing conversation that may somewhat help in solving the problems.

TIFYA as Lakshmi

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Hi Lakshmi,

I know you have only the best motives for writing to our guests, and I appreciate that. Just remember to be patient. People take a while to open up and to change (I did).

Mike

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Hi Mike, it's old blind Pam again. I wanted to check in with you to see where your head was at this week. I was intrigued in that you were talking faith and acceptance. Just this morning I received a letter from a prophesy master of whom I had discussed employment. He responded by giving me his sympathy for my condition, then proceeded to tell me that if I would remove sin obstacles from my life, I would regain my vision. I wrote back to inform him that I would not promote his theology in any form. I am curious if others have any astute responses to this kind of theology. Pam

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Hi Pam,

I don't know if my answer is astute, but I do have one; it's hogwash. Bad things sometimes happen to good people; there's no sin involved. It's just that simple.

Mike

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September 29, 1997

Dear Jana,

I think you should show your husband your question along with asking all of us what we think. Then you should sit down and discuss your feelings sentence by sentence and see how he feels about all you've said. A good man...one worth keeping...will want to discuss your feelings and want to understand. He's the one that needs to know exactly how you are feeling. Good luck,

Someone who cares

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Dear Kay,

I very much understand and feel your pain. You are going through this much of pain since he was a part of you for all these years. You still love him and that's why it is so painful for you. Talking to people, Sharing with people, Reading, Changing your life style, spending time with your family(parents/brothers/sisters) and friends are some of the things that would ease your pain. But the truth is time has to only heal your pain.

Kay now kids are the most important thing for you. If you seemed worried and hurt they would be hurt too. For the kids sake you have to be more stronger. Your kids will be going through the same amount of pain. The earlier you try to move on kids will do too. You are not alone we are all here to pull you through this. Any time you feel like writing your feelings, and if you have any questions just do so. We will keep you in our prayers. I hope god will give you and your kids enough strength to move on. May the Lord keep you in His hand And never close His fist too tight.

Lakshmi

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TIFYA as lakshmi-Thank you so much for sharing with me. I believe what you did in your situation was very courageous. I can feel for your hurt and pain. I like to believe how you touch people, need it be positive or negative in their life they will remember and they will also remember how they dealt with it. And that is something they have to live with. The way I'm looking at this, you gave him a gift (of your heart) which is very precious. Its a shame that he couldn't understand the magnitude of that gift. I do hope one day I can be as courageous as you and share my feelings with this person that I would like in my life.

I did see this person early last week (had a quick dinner) I feel like there is this invisible wall that I won't climb and nor will he. More of the unknown.

Please keep in touch with me. I enjoy your words. cab

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September 30, 1997

Dear cab,

Thanks for responding. Your words meant a whole lot to me and I treasure those. I always looked for someone on this page "REALLY TO KEEP IN TOUCH". I really kind of liked your quick responses. I'm also kind of person who give quick responses to people. Somehow I like it that way. Would you mind exchanging our emails and keep in touch out of this page? Please let me know.

TIFYA as Lakshmi

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Dear cab,

Thanks for responding. Would you like to keep in touch off page? If you would like to email me directly write to this forum page and Mike will give you my e-mail.

TIFYA as Lakshmi

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Dear Ms. Confused,

I am referring to as Ms. Confused as is not an unique alias on this page. Is chatting, or surfing wrong? If I say yes then the whole world has to be blamed. Confused, it's not wrong as long as you put a limit or a boundary. You (everyone) have to put a limit in order to protect yourself and your job but is definitely not wrong.

You have written that you don't want to end your marriage. If you want to have an affair with the one you met on internet then you cannot perfect your relationship with your husband with fidelity. In which case your marriage won't be complete. The ideal of complete marriage is only with absolute fidelity. Don't you want to have a complete and a perfect marriage?

I really understand your need for meeting and talking with the new people. This is mainly because when the children move out they create just vacuum in the house. Added to that if your husband do not show any emotions then you feel so much rejected. If I may ask you a question how are the things between you and your husband? Do you have a caring understanding and loving relationship with your husband? Are you missing anything in your married life? It's better to recognize pitfalls if any early and work at eliminating them. Talk things over with your husband. Make sure that the communication channels are always open, uncluttered and free flowing.

Now one of the choices you have is to admit the mistake and put an end to the one who you met on internet. Since you have this going on for nearly over an year it's not easy for you to forget. But there are hundred other ways for you to move on. Good luck in making your choice. Let us know how you do.

TIFYA as Lakshmi

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October 3, 1997

Hi Bob,

Even I feel the same way as Mike does. You have to find your identity.

In addition to finding your identity add a spicy good humor to your life. Laugh merrily, laugh often and even the grouchiest of partners will slowly learn to laugh with you. Then watch the relationship soar! and also a positive attitude towards life gives your relationship a rosy complexion.

"Your little girl" is just 8 years. Doesn't she inspire you? You (with your wife) can have so much of exciting moments with her before she leaves your home to college. If this time pass by you don't get back that again. So wake up!!

Tell us if this made any difference in your life.

Good Luck Lakshmi

October 10, 1997

Hi Afraid,

I understand what you are going through. Afraid, Marriage is an enriching life-long learning process and life is full of adjustments. Sometimes when you truly love a person you have to place that person's interests, needs and likings above your own particularly when he/she is going through difficult times. That's what you are trying to do but try harder nothing is impossible when it comes to true love. But don't blame yourself for his frustration. Try to find out what he is thinking and what is the actual cause for his frustration. "Disorganization" may not be the only cause for his frustration.

Be patient (I have to work on this myself!). Postpone your need for instant gratification and tune into his radar especially when you know that he is going through a difficult time. You have mentioned in your question that you are disorganized. Try to work on that I want you to know that indirectly here you would be working on your relationship. Don't be afraid to ask your partners advice to implement this change(or any) in your life. Acknowledge for the things he does for the family by open appreciation. Do things for him without being asked. These things not only going to please him but also will definitely do his self-esteem a world of good.

I think settling for a loving, caring and long term relationship is worth more than just a romantic relationship. What do you think? I want you to know that no marriage is perfect. It would be missing something or the other. All that it matters is what do we want to settle for and then finding satisfaction in that.

Good Luck I hope things will work out for you.

Lakshmi

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October 17, 1997

Hi Mike,

When I was blaming myself, hurting myself and hating myself for what happened one of my friends gave me a very good net site. It helped me a lot in finding myself. I'm giving this location for your readers. The location is http://ester.com

When I was going through this weeks column of yours Everything I Ever Needed to Know in Life I Learned in Boy Scouts the words "I still look to friends when I'm unsure which trail to take in life" is so true. When I'm going through such a deep pain the only people I have beside me are my friends. I want your readers to know no matter what good or bad happens in their life don't give a second thought to unload. No matter what friends are the one who stand beside you, guide you and see you through the pain.

You have asked about the view of closing the Q & A II page. It's a good idea since most of the readers might be expecting a pro to answer. But I have one thing to say to your readers before for whatever the crisis they might be going through Divorce, counseling and affairs are not the only answers for the problems. There are other ways to work out the relationship. One other suggestion I have for your readers is a book called "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus" which narrates why the men behave the way they behave and women behave the way they behave. That's a great book to workout on a relationship.

If the Q & A II page is closed I may not get an opportunity to answer any of your questions. Thanks for sharing your problems and giving me a chance to show some compassion and give my opinions/views and answer some of your questions. If the page is closed see you all in the crisis forum.

Lakshmi

Click here to view my policies for responding or here to respond to something on this page. Please type "midlife crisis" in the subject box of your e-mail editor.

See the Midlife Crisis Forum for November-December 1997.