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I received the following poem from a father who is struggling with an out-of -control 16-year-old. I'm sure many of us can relate to the feelings he expresses so well. He told me I could publish this anonymously and that he hopes to one day finish it on a more positive note.

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Mike,

I appreciated your thoughts on a prodigal. I keep thinking that we are through with this stage, then another one of our children remind us that we are not finished yet--maybe we never will be. I have been re-reading the last couple of days the book Parents in Pain. It's a great reminder that there are so many variables that enter into the personality devlopment and direction that a young adult pursues. We certainly put ourselves through the guilt trip and we need to hear encouragement along these lines. Parents need to hear that it's not their fault. Society, authorities, and even our friends want to put the blame somewhere, and usually the parent is the easy target. Granted, none of us are perfect parents--but ultimately, it is the responsiblity of the child who grows into an adult to make the decision on how they will respond to life. I have been hearing more and more from parents lately who need encouragement. So I get on this band wagon a lot.
Thanks for the topic.

D'Lynne
TSsong@aol.com

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My name is Kathy, I have a rebellious teen, I love my daughter more than anything, but at times I feel I can not go any further. Today I am at that point. She is 17 yrs old. One month and she will be 18. I have been called everything, and all because I am trying to discipline her for disobeying the rules in our home. She is staying with me for the summer because her dad can not handle her anymore. She is not on drugs but if she was I could understand her anger a lot better. I do blame myself because when she was very young I spoiled the kid rotten. That was the worst thing I could have ever done but I can not help that now. Please just say a special prayer for my daughter and myself. I really need God's guidance.

Thanks, Kathy

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I did Kathy. Hang in there.--Mike

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My husband and I have been struggling since last August with our 17 year old boy. He was diagnosed 6 yrs ago with ADHD, but that information did little except to give us a name and a reason for his many "oddities". He repeatedly did things, often borderline destructive things, with no apparant regard for consequences. Our discussions with him didn't seem to change his behavior at all. This past school year, however, his "oddities" became much more than disruptive in our home. He carried his disruptive behavior into school, where by January, he stopped attending completely. I was able to transfer him to a dropout prevention school within our district, where he would spend 1/2 day on a computer doing school work, and then he would have to work at a job 1/2 day. When he began running away from home for a weekend here and there, then taking his girlfriend on a 2,000 mile roadtrip across the country for a week, we had no idea where to turn. Everyone stated emphatically that he was on drugs, and that we must throw him out of our home to teach him to be responsible. Instead, we sought out- very recently, the help of a psychologist who specializes in ADHD children. He helped us to see that many of our son's problems with consequences, choices, decision making, planning ahead, etc. were not entirely within his control and that there is much for us to learn about this strange disability. It is, by the way, covered by the National Disabilities Act and we found out that had we been more aggressive with his teachers, we could have demanded , and expected them to make any modifications necessary to ensure his success in the classroom. I can't say for sure that being able to keep up with his classmates in his high school classes would have kept him from quitting school, running away from home, etc. but it might have. We are at this point preparing to have a psychologist try medication therapy with him in hopes that he will be better able to focus on his work- be it school work or on the job. A a public school teacher, I am well aware that many teachers and administrators believe that ADHD is a nonexistant malady or at best an elaborate excuse to fail. All I can say is that having lived with ADHD for 17 years, and meeting with countless other parents of ADD kids, I know with complete certainty that ADD and ADHD is real. I just want other parents of ADDs to learn all they can about the disorder. It may help you not have to go through what my husband and I have had to go through.

Marianne

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HI

Without getting to deep into the nuts and bolts of my situation ,I would like to say that I thought I had faced the worst with my oldest daughter and that my second child , a girl as well, would redeem the lost of trust that my wife and I had felt when ,in a traumatic series of events ,she left our home several years ago.

With God's help we saw the troubled times through and are on good terms with our oldest daughter ,her husband and beautiful 2 years old little girl.

Unfortunately the time has come when my wife and I are once again in pain over the possibility that our youngest ,now fourteen , has decided to bring herself to adult hood much sooner than we would ever think. She is away at this moment and we are in misery on how to approach the subject and confront her on the information that we received this past week-end.

Your article found its way to me through a search of the web using all the words that described how I feel at this time. My daughter may ,as the first, be heading down a road that my wife and I had managed to avoid when we where young and in love . The Word of the Bible tells us all we need to know . I am reminded of that through your article .

We will be talking with her tomorrow night . I pray for the strength and wisdom to handle the situation in away that will not snap the apparent thin link we still maintain with her. The trouble here is that we had no idea that she had turned away from us so far . she has not given any indication that she was experimenting with adult experiences , the news and evidence floored us . I do not know why I am writing or sharing this unless it is a desperate cry for help .

We have tried to live a life that would be an example for our children , but the world is so powerful. the influence so strong. We are at a loss.

I only know that I will look once again to the Word for the relief and guidance that I will need to see this through .and hope that she too will one day ,see the true light and learn that we, her parents are her best friend and the only source of unconditional love that she will know as a child in this physical world and that Jesus Christ is the way . That his unconditional love for all of us will make her strong .

please forgive me if I ramble . and thanks for these moments and the article

Vince

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Vince, I applaud your thoughtfulness of your words about your daughter and I feel for you with the rebellion you are having to deal with. My husband and I also have felt the pain of parenting--with our own experience af a runaway daughter. The greatest lesson we have learned (which sounds a lot like what you wrote) was the communication of unconditional love. We have often had to reiterate to our children--that no matter how much they mess up in life--we will always love them. Our love for them is not based on performance. We have seen too many parents discover too late, the value of this message.

D'Lynne

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I'm the mom who wrote awhile back of our 17 yr old son who was diagnosed with ADHD . I feel led to give you an update. He has stopped running away from home; however, his determination to be "independent" means that he frequently shows little regard for our attempts to set limits for him. He will turn 18 in December, and my husband and I are strongly considering giving him his college money (in monthly increments) at that point so that he can move out of our home. We seldom get a decent night's sleep, and more frighteningly, we have begun lashing out at one another in our frustration over him. It doesn't look like he will be attending college anyway, and this seems to us to be the only move we can make to survive . We realize that being on his own will surely mean he will have free access to a hedonistic lifestyle. All we can do is to pray that the lessons we taught him from God's Word all through his childhood will come back to him. Turning him loose and turning him over to the Lord is not easy even though we fully believe in God's ability to change our son. Please pray for us that we will make the decision that God would have us make . We are hurting.

Marianne

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Marrianne, why would you give your son money you have worked for? Let hime move out of the house into the real world, with the understanding that you are there for him, but let him experience real responsibility. How can he gain self esteem, if you set up venues for him? What willhappen when the money runs out? Independence is earned, not given...

MZ

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Hello! Our 16 1/2 year old son experienced his first serious relationship this past summer.On Sept 15th she broke off the relationship.Of course he didn't want to talk to us about it. We gave him his space and privacy. That night when I went to bed I heard him cry painfully in his room. With tears rolling down my face and lump in my throat I needed to decide whether I would go to see him or let him have his time. After the longest 10 min. I decide to knock on the door and ask him if he wanted some company. Just as he did when he was much, much younger he moved to one side of the bed to give me room to lie down beside him. I lay down and put my hand on his shoulder and quietly lay there. After a couple of minutes he started talking about it for the next hour with only a very few comments on my part. In the end he said "thanks,I feel better". With a kiss and a hug I left him to have a short but good night sleep. I guess this is one of the many pains and joys of parenting.

Hilde

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Is there anyone who is dealing with the "empty nest syndrome?--Anonymous

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I once heard that "the hardest part about being a parent is knowing when to let go". As a widowed mom of a just-turned 19 year old son, I am not only dealiing with the typical teenage stuff i.e. drinking, drugs, parties, etc. but also a kid who lost his dad at 13 and "blames" his incorrugible behavior on it. He has repeatedly told me that he "hates life" and that it is not worth living! He has threatened suicide a number of times, even writing me good bye letters. He just want so be with his dad! Consequently, I have been lenient throughout his teen years and while in high school. He is out of school, has no desire to attend college at this point and works some but is afraid to apply for a good, steady job because he does not want to quit smoking pot to take a drug test! He is an only child and his dad and I raised him with morals and standards and somewhere they have all gone by the wayside.

I am currently in a relationship with a man on the east coast and am very serious. We are going to get married this summer and I will be moving there from Calif. I have given my son the option to come along or stay and take responsibility for himself. My problem is that I cannot bear the thought of leaving him on his own! I have put my wants and needs aside and will continue to do so until he gets on his feet. However, as long as I continue to provide a house, food on the table, etc. he makes NO effort to get out on his own! So, I am lost....I am concerned that he will end up on the streets if I am not here to take care of him and I know that is not the answer.

Lost

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Lost--I've included your words on this page because I hope other guests will have some helpful words for you. I do empathize with you. Nothing is harder than the decision you must make. Good luck.--Mike (To write to Lost type prodigal-Lost in the subject box of your email editor).

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Marrianne,

My wife and I are experiencing the same sort of pain you are. Our son used up his access to college funding from us in just one short year of school. We are very resolute in our conviction that it is in his best interest to experience the real world now. We love him very much, and talk with him often (but not enough). He is in another state, and it is very difficult for us. This whole experience with ADD/HD is something else. Our son is in denial about his problem, which just makes it worse. He has been through several jobs and each time just seems to loose a little more ground.

It's very hard for us to find much to be happy about because of our concerns about our son. Our biggest challenge is coping with the issue in a way that lets us get on with our lives. I don't think any parent can afford to be on the emotional yo-yo that we are on now. Changing our expectations, and letting our son know that we love him, but that we are not willing to support what he is doing is very difficult.

You are in our thoughts and prayers.

JD

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I don't have a teenager going through this stage yet -- I have a husband who's going through it! I wonder whether there has been research on whether people who never REBEL as teens go through a really bad midlife crisis? My husband has changed in the past 3 months into someone no-one in the family can recognize -- I have finally come to grips with it by saying it is a "stage" like the terrible two's or adolescence -- there is nothing I can do about it, I need to take care of myself and the kids. After reading your column, I am even more convinced that this is the way to go --especially since he rejects any attempts at understanding on my part. Maybe this will prepare me for my kids' teenage years! :-)

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I was so glad to read your article on the rebellious son. We have homeschooled our children for nine years only to have our oldest daughter become bent on seeking her own way. She is seventeen years old and has gone fromf a very focused young girl to someone who doesn't seem to know which way is up. This has devestated our home. We are so unsure about how to handle all of the conflict. She has always been strong-willed, but never anything like this. It seems she has surrounded herself with friends who are constantly influencing her to do wrong. Anyway, it would be so nice to hear more on this subject. My daughter has expressed some alarming things to us about how other teenagers feel toward life. It seems they have a cynical and purposeless view of their lives. I think some of this thinking has had its toll on her. How do we as parents cope with these issues?????/?HELP!!!!!! Amelia has been brought up in church since she was born but has never made any really close friends. She is very beautiful and many of the girls are jealous. This beauty (outside) has almost become a curse rather than a blessing. I know I am rambling, but we are just at our wits end and don't know what to do next. Except Pray, which we are doing constantly. Please pray with and for us. Thanks,

Charles and Anna

August 29, '99

I feel for Kathy. My own daughter ran away last year at 17. She turned 18, 3 months later. It has been hell ever since. This May , she came to us to start anew and we were so happy, but it was short lived. It seems her apology didn't produce the exact results that she wanted. Her brother is just heartbroken over all of this. He is the oldest and we hoped that she would listen to him, but she is not. My husband is their step-father, only in the eyes of the world, not in my son's eyes nor mine. He has been with us for 14 years and has been their father when their biological father didn't have the time. My daughter ran off to her biological father I think partly out of being curious as to who he is and more to hurt my husband and myself. I fear that she has a mental problem because the anger has gone on for so long. I do not know what to do from here. The poem on your web page was very hard for me to read-it really hit home. The mental health community in my area is lacking to say the least in providing help with this very serious problem. I had no idea that so many families were going through the same heartbreak that we are. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks Bonnie

November 20, 2000

Dear Mike,
     Recently while researching for a report, I stumbled upon your web page and I have a few things I would like to say.  My name is Heather and I am 19 years old.  I was kicked out of my house by my parents around the age of 16.   I know what these parents are going through as I also know what the children are going through.  There were times when I did drugs and even dropped out of high school.  I was able to make a change though.  I finished high school and am now enrolled in college.  You could say that this email is an offer for any of those parents.  I may not have the solution, but I most likely can relate to what their child is going through since I went through it first hand.  If they would be interested in talking to me, or asking me any questions, I would be more than willing to help.  I can be emailed at Mistica57@hotmail.com, instant messanged at Mistica59 on AOL, and I would even be willing to post my number for these parents.  I really would like to help and I often feel the the child's view is neglected.  If there is anything I can do please let me know.
Sincerely,
Heather Nicole

December 4, 2000

Kathy,

I sure know how you feel.  My daughter was always throwing the "when I turn 18" line in my face - so a few months before she turned 18, I just allowed her to go.  I cried and told her I loved her, but I let her go on.  She turned 19 this past week.  She will have no contact with her family at all.  She moved in with her boyfriend who, along with his mother, dominates her every move.  But she loves it.  She has so much hate and anger built up inside of her and we don't know where it comes from.  She was loved and spoiled, but aren't most kids?  I don't know where we went wrong, except when we told her she could not do something - then she would go nuts and start screaming and yelling.

It was awful with her here, but let me tell you, it is hell with her gone.  I wish I had done things differently.  I told her she could always come home, but she didn't want to hear it.  I have no communication with her now.  She had her phone number changed and returns my mail.

Good luck. I guess we can just pray and hope they grow up soon.

LM

July 1, 2001

dear mike,
I have been having trouble with my 14 year old son michael for the last few months.  He used to be very good and would be the first to get to church on sunday and wednesday nights.  he would walk or ride his bike if he thought we would be late.  Then all of a sudden he got into sports in school.  I thought this was great and he was so into it.  He was very proud of himself  and seemed to come out of his shell.  He had a whole new group of friends that i had nevr seen before.  These friends have turned out to be the worst thing that could ever have happened to him.  THe girls that hang around him are very questionable also.  He left the computer signed in in his name one night and i could not beleive a 14 year old girl would say such things.  He had a very nice girlfriend and he dumped her.  I just heard from his younger brother that he has been smoking cigarettes.  I grounded him for two weeks yesturday because i beleive he went though my wallet looking for money.  He was the only person in the house when i went to the store.  It was my old wallet because i just got a new one.  i remember leaving the wallet on the dining room table plus a ring was out of it that i had lost a stone out of and it had been in the wallet.  he lied bold facedly.  screamed at me that i was stupid and a stupid bitch etc.  today he left the house 2 times and i had to go find him.  i took his bike to my cousins house and locked it in their garage.  he is likely to have a major blowup when he finds out. he will probably break something of
mine.  That is what he does if he does not get his own way.

He does not have a father in the home.  I am at my whits end.  i absolutely refuse to let this world ruin my child..  I would greatly appreciate any advice you or anyone you know can give me.  The prodigal son doesnt really pertain to michael.  he is too young to "let go".  I pray to god that I can get him straightened out by the time he does go out into the world.  If you would
pray for me i would greatly appreciate it.  i am a single mother and his father is a drug addict.  i used drugs myself over 16 years ago.  I swore i would not raise my kids in that environment.  I moved from california to ny where i was born in a small town in upstate ny.  I got my ged i went to college and am now a social welfare examiner for the county.  I have my own home and just want to bring my kids up right.  We go to a great church and the kids go to all of the youth activities.  Mike still goes to those
willingly.  I know he is a good kid and i will not let him get ruined like his father.  my kids are all i have and i would not be able to take it if they get messed up.  I thought at first that i was just too strict because i would always have to know where he was but i eased up and things just got worse.  Im sorry that im running on so much.  i just really need to talk to someone.  You dont have to respond.  Please just pray for me

Daisy

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Daisy--I just did.--Mike

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