with

Mike Bellah

Shame may be the most crippling emotion of midlife.

 

 

 

 

You may sometimes fail, but you are not a failure.

 

 

 

 

It is the labels we place on ourselves that become self-fulfilling prophecies, resulting in either shame or success.

Overcoming Shame

"Shame," says best-selling author John Bradshaw, "is the all-pervasive sense that I am flawed and defective as a human being." Bradshaw calls shame toxic and says it is the fuel for most compulsive/addictive behaviors. I agree. In my experience, shame may be the most crippling emotion of midlife.

As Bradshaw and others point out, shame is different from healthy guilt. Guilt is the unpleasant feeling we experience when we violate our beliefs and values. We can do something about guilt. We can change our behavior. In biblical terms, we can repent. But shame goes deeper than guilt. It touches the very core of our identity. As psychologist Norman Wright puts it, "Guilt says `I have made a mistake;' shame says 'I am a mistake.'"

And unlike guilt, shame may offer no chance for resolution. Midlifers sometimes struggle with failed businesses or marriages, the loss of physical abilities or attractiveness, and children or careers that do not turn out as expected. Often there is nothing we can do to alter these. Cases like these call not for a change of behavior but a change of mind. Following are some of the thoughts we must embrace to overcome our shame.

You are not your body.

I'm for doing all we can to make our midlife bodies as attractive as possible, but even when we are at our physical peak, we are not our bodies. Most of the really important things about you--your sense of humor, your wisdom and fresh perspectives on life, your creativity, and your care and love for others--are yours completely apart from the body that houses them. So don't let shame cause you to undervalue your most important qualities. You are not your body.

You are not your failures.

We all make mistakes. It's part of being human. But you are not your failures any more than you are your body. The problem with identifying with failure is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's the difference between a football team that tries not to lose and one that tries to win. One who sees himself as a failure is trying not to lose. And any coach will tell you that focusing on defeat usually will ensure it. So don't let shame cause you to consider yourself a failure. You may sometimes fail, but you are not a failure.

You are who you want to be.

At midlife many of us have carried shame imposed on us by the negative labels of others. Yet what matters is not what others say about us, or even what we think they say about us (which, by the way, may be worse than the reality), but what we say to ourselves about us. For it is the labels we place on ourselves that become self-fulfilling prophecies, resulting in either shame or success.

So whom do you want to be in the second half of life? What label will you put on yourself? This time you decide.

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