Mike Bellah

Top 10 Ways to Tell if Your Friend Is Having a Midlife Crisis

What does CBS's "Late Show with David Letterman" have that my columns do not? No, the answer isn't a host with a full head of hair. In fact, until this column, "The Late Show" had a top ten list, which I do not.

But no longer. Straight from the home office in Muleshoe, Texas--are you ready kids?--here are this week's top ten ways to tell if your friend is having a midlife crisis.

Drum roll, please.

Number 10

He starts clipping out real estate ads for sheep ranches in New Zealand.

Number 9

He wants to quit his job this winter and tour Alaska by dog sled.

Number 8

She informs her family that she no longer does windows, laundry, meals, or takes unsolicited questions.

Number 7

He uses the family van as a down-payment on a red 1996 Corvette convertible.

Number 6

He is seen cruising the local drag in said car, while sporting a flashy gold necklace and flowered shirt unbuttoned to his navel.

Number 5

She announces that she will not be participating in the annual family fishing trip to Colorado this summer, but has booked passage with some girls from work on a Caribbean cruise.

Number 4

He hangs an autographed picture of George Foreman next to his recently won trophy for the over-40 division of amateur hang gliders.

Number 3

She changes hairstyles more often than first lady, Hillary Clinton, and hair colors more often than basketball star, Dennis Rodman.

Number 2

Along with his slightly overweight and balding friends, he cancels this January's super bowl party to beat tom-toms and run naked through a nearby wilderness area in search of his "wild man."

Number 1

Dressed in the seductive garb of your average mid-century farm wife, she starts hanging around mid-western covered bridges.

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